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#excerpt
Sententious -ness - as a memory lane in the rest home. Commit your works unto the way truth makes, and your thoughts shall be established. - mind-up, game-on, - psuedo sci-psy-psi surfers - versus cowboys, and creeps Trust in truth with all your wit and courage. Breathe. Each in an out from here on out - a cough an'spittle swaller - callit alla adjustaknot, a'ight Sententious old men spew galling shame on systems existing still to instill the heart, drip by drip- instilling peace of patience informing con courage, mental-gut-genug from heavy duty hero worth displays, bend and prove the worth, be lead in proven paradox, and laugh - Imaginary worlds are possible, not real. Imagining is mere what ifing, in deed. As when a man sees a wombed man.. -selah'alslates wiped, right, -to compute the vacuum for the spin, the emptiness must seem to breathe, hmmm, how can men lie to make believers, by believing lies, by God, I believe that's right. Or could be. Ask and accept the first sensible answer, on a per-usual rate per using faces, as messengers come with news, ahoy, what of the night? Night's gone at dawn. All's well, sacrifice worked, the sun rises not in vain, again. -stretcht point t' flat permeable thinness- next to nothing be ing tween ever and us, meaning nothing, but to the child, seeing the Liberty pose, as she is about to fling her torch, to burn all we left behind over there over there… -geo measured First World War, for the secrets saved at Pergamos, leaked in mandalas made in sorted sands aspirational spirals of winding patterns escape, A big Hualapai man, face as dark as the Christ robed and crowned, hung at Volta Santa de Luca, by that face, in memories of passes, clefts in rocks, to see the backside of all we hoped to do dying in sorrow and confusion, and grappo by the gallon Juaquin and Ezelda, Hualapai Survivors just barely getting' by fifty years ago, now, I see him painting with sand, and feel him praying… say this -- dedicated to his spirit, the idea of the man. Which panta rhei - evokes in mind, same ford affording this not the same flow, these stones are far shinier, this time, the old steps have been washed out and faded as spells cast to drive purple fringed, white witches away - bloodoheysus in de face o'de luca - gone y'lyin' lyin' whatchacallem Delirium Tremors, imagined, on acid, here a statue with a machine gun, under which I played, dedicated to another Hualapai veteran, reminds me, Sammy, the Apache, whose brother Jonah was a barfing drunk in jail with me one night in May, 1970.. Jonah was a Korea War vet,… he reappears to give me continuity… persistence in bending lost time to be redeemed, by observation, ask was that day applied to the cost of today? Free time, take all you wish to spend, how little could we know of the life to which the monument was dedicated, the year my mother was born, 1928, when the last who knew Sam Swaskegame came to the big parade, to unveil the dedicatory mon-u-ment idolizing the willing ness to use the science of war… to tame the wild… chaos set to tempo, left, left right left - 76 trombones, 30 were bass brazen trumping rah rah rah unveiling the composition representing spirits, one of a soldier, standing tall, unafraid, brandishing grenade, grinning, gonna getcha; one of a sailor, waving his hat; one of a Colt 1895 machine gun, aiming at the future, neither soldier or sailor saw coming, one facing south, the other north, as the gun aims west at the sunset. The parade took fifteen minutes, from the fire station on Fifth and Beale to the courthouse and jail at the top of Fourth Street… when the last who knew Sam Swaskegame, laughs the tears irony makes, "Lest We Forget", we who served the story told to keep the flame alive, see that man? Really, son of a man, he was just a boy, ready made warrior from conquered locals, tamed by Crook. Sam Swaskegame, died at Marne, for my country, five weeks before the the holy day we celebrate, to show our boys and girls, this is why we fight, so we can make heros to inspire you. -------- Sam Swaskegame, a member of the Hualapai Tribe, who was killed in action at the Marne River campaign battle of Blanc Mont, France on October 7, 1918, … 35 days before the end of WWI From <https://doughboysearcher.weebly.com/kingman-arizona.html> ------ There could be a picture here. I played in the shadow of that grenade, as a boy in the Boyett-Dancer Keltic Nordish clan, I walked past the jail, almost every day, and I was afraid of the men behind the bars. I had seen some of them, drunk, -- I was a child, they always laughed, when I stood and listened to them rant, like I understood a single word. Sam Swaskegame, Sam I am sure, I knew Sam, from Green Eggs.\ thus the war memorial, E. M. Viquesney posed, the grenadier same stance as Lady Liberty, supposed to remind us, the children born long after dead Indians could be remembered as Doughboy's dads and granddads and uncles Sententious "full of meaning" (a sense now obsolete);
0
Apr 11
Apr 11, 2026 at 8:31 PM UTC
Weighing Nothing on Rt. 66 -
Sententious -ness - as a memory lane in the rest home. Commit your works unto the way truth makes, and your thoughts shall be established. - mind-up, game-on, - psuedo sci-psy-psi surfers - versus cowboys, and creeps Trust in truth with all your wit and courage. Breathe. Each in an out from here on out - a cough an'spittle swaller - callit alla adjustaknot, a'ight Sententious old men spew galling shame on systems existing still to instill the heart, drip by drip- instilling peace of patience informing con courage, mental-gut-genug from heavy duty hero worth displays, bend and prove the worth, be lead in proven paradox, and laugh - Imaginary worlds are possible, not real. Imagining is mere what ifing, in deed. As when a man sees a wombed man.. -selah'alslates wiped, right, -to compute the vacuum for the spin, the emptiness must seem to breathe, hmmm, how can men lie to make believers, by believing lies, by God, I believe that's right. Or could be. Ask and accept the first sensible answer, on a per-usual rate per using faces, as messengers come with news, ahoy, what of the night? Night's gone at dawn. All's well, sacrifice worked, the sun rises not in vain, again. -stretcht point t' flat permeable thinness- next to nothing be ing tween ever and us, meaning nothing, but to the child, seeing the Liberty pose, as she is about to fling her torch, to burn all we left behind over there over there… -geo measured First World War, for the secrets saved at Pergamos, leaked in mandalas made in sorted sands aspirational spirals of winding patterns escape, A big Hualapai man, face as dark as the Christ robed and crowned, hung at Volta Santa de Luca, by that face, in memories of passes, clefts in rocks, to see the backside of all we hoped to do dying in sorrow and confusion, and grappo by the gallon Juaquin and Ezelda, Hualapai Survivors just barely getting' by fifty years ago, now, I see him painting with sand, and feel him praying… say this -- dedicated to his spirit, the idea of the man. Which panta rhei - evokes in mind, same ford affording this not the same flow, these stones are far shinier, this time, the old steps have been washed out and faded as spells cast to drive purple fringed, white witches away - bloodoheysus in de face o'de luca - gone y'lyin' lyin' whatchacallem Delirium Tremors, imagined, on acid, here a statue with a machine gun, under which I played, dedicated to another Hualapai veteran, reminds me, Sammy, the Apache, whose brother Jonah was a barfing drunk in jail with me one night in May, 1970.. Jonah was a Korea War vet,… he reappears to give me continuity… persistence in bending lost time to be redeemed, by observation, ask was that day applied to the cost of today? Free time, take all you wish to spend, how little could we know of the life to which the monument was dedicated, the year my mother was born, 1928, when the last who knew Sam Swaskegame came to the big parade, to unveil the dedicatory mon-u-ment idolizing the willing ness to use the science of war… to tame the wild… chaos set to tempo, left, left right left - 76 trombones, 30 were bass brazen trumping rah rah rah unveiling the composition representing spirits, one of a soldier, standing tall, unafraid, brandishing grenade, grinning, gonna getcha; one of a sailor, waving his hat; one of a Colt 1895 machine gun, aiming at the future, neither soldier or sailor saw coming, one facing south, the other north, as the gun aims west at the sunset. The parade took fifteen minutes, from the fire station on Fifth and Beale to the courthouse and jail at the top of Fourth Street… when the last who knew Sam Swaskegame, laughs the tears irony makes, "Lest We Forget", we who served the story told to keep the flame alive, see that man? Really, son of a man, he was just a boy, ready made warrior from conquered locals, tamed by Crook. Sam Swaskegame, died at Marne, for my country, five weeks before the the holy day we celebrate, to show our boys and girls, this is why we fight, so we can make heros to inspire you. -------- Sam Swaskegame, a member of the Hualapai Tribe, who was killed in action at the Marne River campaign battle of Blanc Mont, France on October 7, 1918, … 35 days before the end of WWI From <https://doughboysearcher.weebly.com/kingman-arizona.html> ------ There could be a picture here. I played in the shadow of that grenade, as a boy in the Boyett-Dancer Keltic Nordish clan, I walked past the jail, almost every day, and I was afraid of the men behind the bars. I had seen some of them, drunk, -- I was a child, they always laughed, when I stood and listened to them rant, like I understood a single word. Sam Swaskegame, Sam I am sure, I knew Sam, from Green Eggs.\ thus the war memorial, E. M. Viquesney posed, the grenadier same stance as Lady Liberty, supposed to remind us, the children born long after dead Indians could be remembered as Doughboy's dads and granddads and uncles Sententious "full of meaning" (a sense now obsolete);
Continue reading...
158
But I am here, wrestling with this dredging operation, digging up tons of sand that require dumping, and I ask, inquire, beg: Who will take this detritus off my hands, once more, now uncovered, now recovered, the soil is already soaked and can absorb no more, the soul is already soaked and can absorb no more, the weakened heart, damaged and occluded, suffer cannot bear twice the outrageous misfortune
0
Jul 19, 2025
Jul 19, 2025 at 3:01 AM UTC
Excerpt(1)
It’s not about what I need from you or want from you. I’m not asking you for anything. It’s what I don’t want. I don’t want you to spoil our connection because you have trauma that you haven’t dealt with and I know that you feel the same way. I do have trauma and I do have pain, But when I speak to you it is always from a place of healed energy and it is always from a place of healing intention. I respect and admire your solidarity and your independence, That is what makes you so beautiful to me. I know that you do not want me to speak to you from a place of healing because you want to do that work yourself. I innerstand. I wish that I could help you to see me in a better light and understand me so that we could fix this. I cannot open your mind or shift your perspective because you ask me not to deepen this connection. You have ingrained into your head that I do not respect your boundaries- all the while- missing the clear sign that I do respect your boundaries when I leave things out of a conversation with you. We try to read in between the lines of each other but we are not books. We are not meant to be read. People often try to calculate or read situations and conversations, but forget that we can speak with more than our mouths and our body language. We are the universe acting out against itself and working in favor of itself in tandem. We are so much more than the words that you have tried to reduce us to. I wish that you could understand me better so that I could take your pain away. You want to feel through this and to be in the pain because you crave the growth and that is another thing that I love about you. You are a ******* warrior so please don’t ever think for a second that I don’t see you and respect you. Adversely; while accepting no responsibility over the pain that you’ve caused the both of us, You shut down the opportunity for healing. You want to know what it is that you have done so wrong, But if I were to dissect a conversation and tell you each part that tore open a healed wound… I wouldn’t be respecting your boundaries. You asked me not to deepen this connection so I can’t explain what it is that you’ve done. This prevents me from healing from what you have done. You get to work on healing what it is that you have done within yourself, but I will never forget the feeling of my chest caving in on my break from work. I won’t forget crying and opening up to a complete stranger in the parking lot because she saw me falling apart and I was all alone, as this experience has cost me everything. I won’t forget, the powerful feeling, somebody that didn’t know anything about me -sitting down to ask me- “what was troubling me?” In the most loving way. Fully holding space for me where you couldn’t. A very kind angel of a woman; who had other things to do with her day, made time to save a sobbing, broken, child from the middle of the street. And yet you couldn’t stand to hear me speak my truth for five minutes, All while shaming me and wishing that I could stand in my power and assuming me to be weak in some way. You were preventing me from standing in my power by trying to control the situation. I have never once claimed to be a perfect person or to be fully healed but I know that I am balanced because I spend every day of my life balancing myself. Every day has ups and downs, every week has ups and downs, every month has ups and downs. I deny NO FAULTS in this matter, but I am HYPER-aware that you do not know what my faults are. You have not opened yourself up to hearing me acknowledge my issues. You have created the ones that, you THINK I’m having in your head based on your perception of self, all whilst screaming “projection” from the rooftops and pointing at others. Anxiety is consuming. It’s hard to fathom that somebody could be giving you information from a place that you’ve forgotten about. I only wanted to warn you and I only wanted to protect you. You only wanted for me to stop trying to protect you; until you realized what it was I was trying to protect you from. The only person who can protect you is yourself and Source, yet Source placed me in your path. If you had only tapped into your intuition and followed the signs, you would have understood sooner. There could have been less pain. Hypocrisy. You encourage me not to people please, but ask me to bow in silence before you while you relieve your own anxieties so that you can go about your day while leaving a heavy weight on my chest. You thought that you had conquered me in that moment. In your mind, you had faced something you needed to face and you were breaking through to the other side! This was going to project you in the right direction! This will remove the heaping weight from your chest! This was going to bring your clarity. Transference. Instead, you felt me pull away; energetically and physically. You realized that you couldn’t have your cake and eat it too. But you were fasting anyways, funny how we’re both always fasting these days. Or is that just anxiety and an upset stomach? Is that just bad choices and poor communication? You felt a weight over the next few days, Because what goes up must come down. You left that weight with me, but it always finds its way back. Obedience. You expressed your need to control things and for people to bend to your will. You clearly communicated what you wanted and expected and were shocked when I tried to tell you where I stood because this wasn’t about me, it was supposed to be about you today! I sensed that in asking what you did wrong you were already preparing a response and not open to actually listen, my intuition said “say less”. Silence speaks volumes and communication can be conveyed through just a look, especially when I look into your eyes. There is intense honesty and passion in all three of them. The things that you can’t verbalize are written in your retina. As your brain scribbles them out I can see them inside of those eyes. I see you wholly and I know that somebody did that to you. Someone taught you this. Maybe a defense mechanism or maybe a learned behavior. Boundaries. Don’t talk about it. Swallow that pill to avoid hurting me, but don’t forget, “that’s people pleasing.” “Respect you” and “please you” is a very thin line with you. Sure as I am your mirror, you think the same is true about me. I was working hard at my prosperity; feeling a silly little sigh of relief, that maybe I was crazy and the communication and confrontation wouldn’t occur that day. My dreams and intuition both told me that it would. People in my physical reality said that it wouldn’t; they had high hopes that it wouldn’t, out of selfishness. Fearing what they would feel or how it would affect them, they have been gaslighting me for months. Who will ever respect my boundaries? My needs? My person. Only me. I can only trust myself. Don’t they always say “It’s lonely at the top.” It doesn’t have to be. On the battlefield. You saw me and came directly towards me, while I had five minutes to myself to dance and feel free. You stopped in on my day to put me back in your cage. Mind you, I had fiddled that lock open two weeks prior and found my freedom. You came back to make sure that the lock was secure. I was fine one minute and my boss watched me being happy and free and helpful. Then she watched me being shackled by you and then she watched you storm through like a wrecking ball, leaving me at disadvantage to my own pockets and essentially hers. And then I watched you all day, watching me. You were pulling at my energy when I was trying to pretend you didn’t exist. You stunted my growth and my productivity for the need to propel yourself forward. I am not the enemy and I am not to be conquered. We could have helped each other to move in the same direction, but you NEEDED, You demanded to be 10 steps ahead of others. Congratulations commander. The medal of honor you have earned is associated with a casualty. Greed. I watched you watching me, looking to see if I was watching too, questioning what it all means and if you made the right choices, said the right words. You didn’t. There were no right words. Until that point you did all of the talking and so did I, but neither of us really heard anything other than our own minds stirring. We are so alike that it hurts. To absolutely face yourself hurts. You confuse me so much. I read cards and people effortlessly, but I like the mystery that is you and I don’t like to pick it apart too much. I know that the pages will turn on your time. That’s the respect that I have for you, that you can’t see. Victim mentality. You talk about Victim mentality, but you don’t acknowledge that you keep acting like I’m doing something to you…. Don’t you remember that you did this to me? You started all of this. You triggered it. You were thinking with organs other than your heart And you expected me to follow suit, on your terms. You treated me like a play thing because you didn’t See what was right in front of us both. Once you set this in motion there was no way to turn the wheels back and I couldn’t help myself. I wasn’t supposed to. And because I didn’t help myself in that moment, I helped us both in a greater sense. Thank me instead and thank the universe for this while you’re in Noché Oscura del alma. Know that there is a purpose behind it, even though you don’t understand that purpose, yet. Baggage. I know that things are happening for me and not to me, but it is my deep diving into the pain and into my dark feelings that allows me to be the creative person that you admire. It is the darkness that I have endured that helps my light shine so bright. You cannot have half of me because I do not give half of myself to anyone. I am a whole package. I come wrapped as such. If you cannot accept this package, as is, it does not come in parts. You cannot find any other like this package, it is one of a kind. If you cannot accept my darkness and my baggage then there is nothing more to say. Every person who has ever come into my life has had to accept both parts of me and the ones that have are still by my side. I have 15 year friendships. Nothing that is good or worth it is ever easy. The things that we put time and effort into, they strengthen and they stay. I would like to face adversity together, but for now you want to do that alone so I respect you, and I release you. But I’ll never let this go. This will be something I remember for the rest of my life, for the rest of my lovers, for the rest of my friendships, and for the rest of eternity. Any pain that I have felt in this connection will reverberate throughout my entire being for the rest of my existence until I find myself in this situation in the next life again with you. Every time we repeat the cycle, it becomes harder and harder in the next life, but the story becomes greater and greater each time, until we get it right. Surrender. Our love story is so great. The notebook pales in comparison. Many will cry watching this love blossom including the ones who doubted and including the ones who believed. It is going to shake us both to our core, but at some point that’s going to start to feel good.   If we allow it. We just have to learn to let go of control. The divine creator knows our true purpose and we need to learn to surrender to that because everything else up until the moment that we do, is resistance. You are resisting the change as the momentum is picking up and you’re propelling yourself in the wrong direction by trying to hold onto control with something that does not want to be tamed. I think about lecturing you; but instead, I write it down, because it’s a lecture that I need to read to myself. Sure as I am your mirror, I am doing the same things wrong as you. Just open your heart and learn how to truly love people as they are asking to be loved People deserve that, but if you can’t love me the right way just let me go. I cannot keep going on this winding road with you. You energetically are still attached to me, even though you tell me the opposite is true and it hurts us both. I cannot live in shadows and I will always speak my truth. I’m selective with who I share my energy because I do not want everybody to know how I move in this world, but I am always honest with those that are around me. I keep my hands at 10 and 2 But I’ll let you control the gas pedal because we are driving at your pace, I’m comfortable with this until you slam on the brakes and we both realize, a moment too late, that I’m not wearing a seatbelt. My heart exposed and my person untethered, I’ve been ejected. Don’t bring the sunflowers to my funeral. You have taken all of the sun out of this for me. Nothing can grow here, They will only wilt in a few days. Useless. What’s the use of this gift. You can’t heal what’s already dead. I’m scared that not right now, means not in this life. I don’t want to do that again. Losing you is losing hope. You are the reason that I come around. You are also the reason that I stay away. © KD 10/2/22
0
Feb 4, 2023
Feb 4, 2023 at 1:14 PM UTC
10:2
It’s not about what I need from you or want from you. I’m not asking you for anything. It’s what I don’t want. I don’t want you to spoil our connection because you have trauma that you haven’t dealt with and I know that you feel the same way. I do have trauma and I do have pain, But when I speak to you it is always from a place of healed energy and it is always from a place of healing intention. I respect and admire your solidarity and your independence, That is what makes you so beautiful to me. I know that you do not want me to speak to you from a place of healing because you want to do that work yourself. I innerstand. I wish that I could help you to see me in a better light and understand me so that we could fix this. I cannot open your mind or shift your perspective because you ask me not to deepen this connection. You have ingrained into your head that I do not respect your boundaries- all the while- missing the clear sign that I do respect your boundaries when I leave things out of a conversation with you. We try to read in between the lines of each other but we are not books. We are not meant to be read. People often try to calculate or read situations and conversations, but forget that we can speak with more than our mouths and our body language. We are the universe acting out against itself and working in favor of itself in tandem. We are so much more than the words that you have tried to reduce us to. I wish that you could understand me better so that I could take your pain away. You want to feel through this and to be in the pain because you crave the growth and that is another thing that I love about you. You are a ******* warrior so please don’t ever think for a second that I don’t see you and respect you. Adversely; while accepting no responsibility over the pain that you’ve caused the both of us, You shut down the opportunity for healing. You want to know what it is that you have done so wrong, But if I were to dissect a conversation and tell you each part that tore open a healed wound… I wouldn’t be respecting your boundaries. You asked me not to deepen this connection so I can’t explain what it is that you’ve done. This prevents me from healing from what you have done. You get to work on healing what it is that you have done within yourself, but I will never forget the feeling of my chest caving in on my break from work. I won’t forget crying and opening up to a complete stranger in the parking lot because she saw me falling apart and I was all alone, as this experience has cost me everything. I won’t forget, the powerful feeling, somebody that didn’t know anything about me -sitting down to ask me- “what was troubling me?” In the most loving way. Fully holding space for me where you couldn’t. A very kind angel of a woman; who had other things to do with her day, made time to save a sobbing, broken, child from the middle of the street. And yet you couldn’t stand to hear me speak my truth for five minutes, All while shaming me and wishing that I could stand in my power and assuming me to be weak in some way. You were preventing me from standing in my power by trying to control the situation. I have never once claimed to be a perfect person or to be fully healed but I know that I am balanced because I spend every day of my life balancing myself. Every day has ups and downs, every week has ups and downs, every month has ups and downs. I deny NO FAULTS in this matter, but I am HYPER-aware that you do not know what my faults are. You have not opened yourself up to hearing me acknowledge my issues. You have created the ones that, you THINK I’m having in your head based on your perception of self, all whilst screaming “projection” from the rooftops and pointing at others. Anxiety is consuming. It’s hard to fathom that somebody could be giving you information from a place that you’ve forgotten about. I only wanted to warn you and I only wanted to protect you. You only wanted for me to stop trying to protect you; until you realized what it was I was trying to protect you from. The only person who can protect you is yourself and Source, yet Source placed me in your path. If you had only tapped into your intuition and followed the signs, you would have understood sooner. There could have been less pain. Hypocrisy. You encourage me not to people please, but ask me to bow in silence before you while you relieve your own anxieties so that you can go about your day while leaving a heavy weight on my chest. You thought that you had conquered me in that moment. In your mind, you had faced something you needed to face and you were breaking through to the other side! This was going to project you in the right direction! This will remove the heaping weight from your chest! This was going to bring your clarity. Transference. Instead, you felt me pull away; energetically and physically. You realized that you couldn’t have your cake and eat it too. But you were fasting anyways, funny how we’re both always fasting these days. Or is that just anxiety and an upset stomach? Is that just bad choices and poor communication? You felt a weight over the next few days, Because what goes up must come down. You left that weight with me, but it always finds its way back. Obedience. You expressed your need to control things and for people to bend to your will. You clearly communicated what you wanted and expected and were shocked when I tried to tell you where I stood because this wasn’t about me, it was supposed to be about you today! I sensed that in asking what you did wrong you were already preparing a response and not open to actually listen, my intuition said “say less”. Silence speaks volumes and communication can be conveyed through just a look, especially when I look into your eyes. There is intense honesty and passion in all three of them. The things that you can’t verbalize are written in your retina. As your brain scribbles them out I can see them inside of those eyes. I see you wholly and I know that somebody did that to you. Someone taught you this. Maybe a defense mechanism or maybe a learned behavior. Boundaries. Don’t talk about it. Swallow that pill to avoid hurting me, but don’t forget, “that’s people pleasing.” “Respect you” and “please you” is a very thin line with you. Sure as I am your mirror, you think the same is true about me. I was working hard at my prosperity; feeling a silly little sigh of relief, that maybe I was crazy and the communication and confrontation wouldn’t occur that day. My dreams and intuition both told me that it would. People in my physical reality said that it wouldn’t; they had high hopes that it wouldn’t, out of selfishness. Fearing what they would feel or how it would affect them, they have been gaslighting me for months. Who will ever respect my boundaries? My needs? My person. Only me. I can only trust myself. Don’t they always say “It’s lonely at the top.” It doesn’t have to be. On the battlefield. You saw me and came directly towards me, while I had five minutes to myself to dance and feel free. You stopped in on my day to put me back in your cage. Mind you, I had fiddled that lock open two weeks prior and found my freedom. You came back to make sure that the lock was secure. I was fine one minute and my boss watched me being happy and free and helpful. Then she watched me being shackled by you and then she watched you storm through like a wrecking ball, leaving me at disadvantage to my own pockets and essentially hers. And then I watched you all day, watching me. You were pulling at my energy when I was trying to pretend you didn’t exist. You stunted my growth and my productivity for the need to propel yourself forward. I am not the enemy and I am not to be conquered. We could have helped each other to move in the same direction, but you NEEDED, You demanded to be 10 steps ahead of others. Congratulations commander. The medal of honor you have earned is associated with a casualty. Greed. I watched you watching me, looking to see if I was watching too, questioning what it all means and if you made the right choices, said the right words. You didn’t. There were no right words. Until that point you did all of the talking and so did I, but neither of us really heard anything other than our own minds stirring. We are so alike that it hurts. To absolutely face yourself hurts. You confuse me so much. I read cards and people effortlessly, but I like the mystery that is you and I don’t like to pick it apart too much. I know that the pages will turn on your time. That’s the respect that I have for you, that you can’t see. Victim mentality. You talk about Victim mentality, but you don’t acknowledge that you keep acting like I’m doing something to you…. Don’t you remember that you did this to me? You started all of this. You triggered it. You were thinking with organs other than your heart And you expected me to follow suit, on your terms. You treated me like a play thing because you didn’t See what was right in front of us both. Once you set this in motion there was no way to turn the wheels back and I couldn’t help myself. I wasn’t supposed to. And because I didn’t help myself in that moment, I helped us both in a greater sense. Thank me instead and thank the universe for this while you’re in Noché Oscura del alma. Know that there is a purpose behind it, even though you don’t understand that purpose, yet. Baggage. I know that things are happening for me and not to me, but it is my deep diving into the pain and into my dark feelings that allows me to be the creative person that you admire. It is the darkness that I have endured that helps my light shine so bright. You cannot have half of me because I do not give half of myself to anyone. I am a whole package. I come wrapped as such. If you cannot accept this package, as is, it does not come in parts. You cannot find any other like this package, it is one of a kind. If you cannot accept my darkness and my baggage then there is nothing more to say. Every person who has ever come into my life has had to accept both parts of me and the ones that have are still by my side. I have 15 year friendships. Nothing that is good or worth it is ever easy. The things that we put time and effort into, they strengthen and they stay. I would like to face adversity together, but for now you want to do that alone so I respect you, and I release you. But I’ll never let this go. This will be something I remember for the rest of my life, for the rest of my lovers, for the rest of my friendships, and for the rest of eternity. Any pain that I have felt in this connection will reverberate throughout my entire being for the rest of my existence until I find myself in this situation in the next life again with you. Every time we repeat the cycle, it becomes harder and harder in the next life, but the story becomes greater and greater each time, until we get it right. Surrender. Our love story is so great. The notebook pales in comparison. Many will cry watching this love blossom including the ones who doubted and including the ones who believed. It is going to shake us both to our core, but at some point that’s going to start to feel good.   If we allow it. We just have to learn to let go of control. The divine creator knows our true purpose and we need to learn to surrender to that because everything else up until the moment that we do, is resistance. You are resisting the change as the momentum is picking up and you’re propelling yourself in the wrong direction by trying to hold onto control with something that does not want to be tamed. I think about lecturing you; but instead, I write it down, because it’s a lecture that I need to read to myself. Sure as I am your mirror, I am doing the same things wrong as you. Just open your heart and learn how to truly love people as they are asking to be loved People deserve that, but if you can’t love me the right way just let me go. I cannot keep going on this winding road with you. You energetically are still attached to me, even though you tell me the opposite is true and it hurts us both. I cannot live in shadows and I will always speak my truth. I’m selective with who I share my energy because I do not want everybody to know how I move in this world, but I am always honest with those that are around me. I keep my hands at 10 and 2 But I’ll let you control the gas pedal because we are driving at your pace, I’m comfortable with this until you slam on the brakes and we both realize, a moment too late, that I’m not wearing a seatbelt. My heart exposed and my person untethered, I’ve been ejected. Don’t bring the sunflowers to my funeral. You have taken all of the sun out of this for me. Nothing can grow here, They will only wilt in a few days. Useless. What’s the use of this gift. You can’t heal what’s already dead. I’m scared that not right now, means not in this life. I don’t want to do that again. Losing you is losing hope. You are the reason that I come around. You are also the reason that I stay away. © KD 10/2/22
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I was just a tall glass of something you don’t remember ordering. You thought you wanted someone who would wait around. You thought you wanted someone who was okay with you running around as long as you came back to them at the end of the day. Did you enjoy every argument? Did you enjoy all of the wasted moments that could have been us laying together and tracing each other’s bodies? I have a whole new body now. I walk into the room and people pay attention, not because I am loud. Because I demand it. I am worthy, and **** good looking. This cup is dripping with condensation and everybody is out here sweating in this heat. I look **** good. But you don’t know this version of me. I spent so much time trying to blend in and mirror the people around me, you never got the chance to drink me in. Do you see me now? Can you taste it? The taste of regret, metallic on your silver tongue. Hurt me with your judgements. Hurt me with your words, but never in the bedroom where I ask that of you. Coward. You wanted me to be weak so I would bow to you. If I EVER bow, you’d better lay a pillow down, knowing that an empress doesn’t belong on the ground. You looked for me everywhere. “I like this one’s mouth” “This one makes good conversation” “This one does what I ask” “This one has nice legs” So stitch them together. Enjoy your busy life of rushing back and forth from bed to bed and door to door to appease your needs between all of your sally dolls. None of them will hold a candle to me. What I bring to the table could feed a nation. I possess the things that matter; I even possess the things that don’t. I’m not for these streets, I’m just in them. Looking for new avenues. I become the opportunist and you become lost. You missed your exit long ago, because you were too busy looking for the gas station with the best price. Now the road has been winding for miles and miles and there seems to be nothing around. No sidewalks, no side streets, no signs. Your gas is approaching E. It’s suffocatingly humid and it’s getting dark. You’re thirsty. Don’t you wish you had that tall glass of water? It’s not where you left it. Someone else understood the value of water and gulped it down, every… last… drop. They even put their mouth on the cup that was meant for you. The one you specifically asked for and forgot about. That person is absolutely satiated. Wherever you end up, I hope you find a cup and learn to fill it yourself. The servers are tired and it’s closing time. ~ KD (2023) ©
0
Feb 4, 2023
Feb 4, 2023 at 12:40 PM UTC
Thirst
I was just a tall glass of something you don’t remember ordering. You thought you wanted someone who would wait around. You thought you wanted someone who was okay with you running around as long as you came back to them at the end of the day. Did you enjoy every argument? Did you enjoy all of the wasted moments that could have been us laying together and tracing each other’s bodies? I have a whole new body now. I walk into the room and people pay attention, not because I am loud. Because I demand it. I am worthy, and **** good looking. This cup is dripping with condensation and everybody is out here sweating in this heat. I look **** good. But you don’t know this version of me. I spent so much time trying to blend in and mirror the people around me, you never got the chance to drink me in. Do you see me now? Can you taste it? The taste of regret, metallic on your silver tongue. Hurt me with your judgements. Hurt me with your words, but never in the bedroom where I ask that of you. Coward. You wanted me to be weak so I would bow to you. If I EVER bow, you’d better lay a pillow down, knowing that an empress doesn’t belong on the ground. You looked for me everywhere. “I like this one’s mouth” “This one makes good conversation” “This one does what I ask” “This one has nice legs” So stitch them together. Enjoy your busy life of rushing back and forth from bed to bed and door to door to appease your needs between all of your sally dolls. None of them will hold a candle to me. What I bring to the table could feed a nation. I possess the things that matter; I even possess the things that don’t. I’m not for these streets, I’m just in them. Looking for new avenues. I become the opportunist and you become lost. You missed your exit long ago, because you were too busy looking for the gas station with the best price. Now the road has been winding for miles and miles and there seems to be nothing around. No sidewalks, no side streets, no signs. Your gas is approaching E. It’s suffocatingly humid and it’s getting dark. You’re thirsty. Don’t you wish you had that tall glass of water? It’s not where you left it. Someone else understood the value of water and gulped it down, every… last… drop. They even put their mouth on the cup that was meant for you. The one you specifically asked for and forgot about. That person is absolutely satiated. Wherever you end up, I hope you find a cup and learn to fill it yourself. The servers are tired and it’s closing time. ~ KD (2023) ©
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51
Cold sheets Restless mind and a heavy chest What a painful trio That sings to a moonless night What kind of sorrow could be caught up in a loveless night? Wet eyes spilling on pillow billings Bed swallowing the body whole What emotion would ever make an adult coo Like a baby calling from their lonely cot What glee to make us all fools
0
Jan 8, 2022
Jan 8, 2022 at 10:39 PM UTC
Heartbreak At 11:22pm
Despite the amount of moisture the playground gets, footfall would not just let the green of the grass bloom. Like the receding hairline of a balding middle-aged man, the green patches of grass, unevenly spread across the field.
0
Nov 22, 2021
Nov 22, 2021 at 4:02 AM UTC
Balding
Little lamb, lone in the brush Without a mother’s feed. Who is to groom the gloss Of her delicate clothing? Little lamb, who sings to me, Unlettered melodies, Why does she wag forth These eyes of rust— In pensive gloat ache Sipped sinews of her throat? Little Lamb, bleating to bleed, Ventures frail, tender limbs Deep within Tophet’s Vale. Meek, she slips in buried sheets. Little Lamb, orchid chewed to root Bask and bathe the moon Twixt her thighs. Splayed upon pastures Nourished with tears. Wine spilled into the milk of being. She drinks the rich grain.
0
Jul 28, 2021
Jul 28, 2021 at 4:42 PM UTC
To The Earth
Tawny days hanging from the sweet autumn breeze are sheltered in corners of my mind I just can’t dare to go to. I hide from them, never closing my eyes—never looking inward. I open them into another haze, though. The dimmest streetlight in the most darksome alley. But between blinks, my eyes burn in golden, and images of remote places flicker in. Patches of brown leaves on the ground, fragments of Shakespearean poetry carved on trees, a lonely grove between mountains, and a magic lake by my hiding place… “You would never understand,” I had said to him after weeks of sleeping under willows and sneaking in the cottage through the window. “You don’t know what’s it like to be chased for crimes you didn’t do!” The soldiers had been drawing nearer to the towns about, and I had been left with no choice but to flee from the fate that being an outsider threw at me. “Don’t go,” he had said before my fears revived in my head, killing all peace.....
0
May 10, 2021
May 10, 2021 at 4:32 AM UTC
The little sunshine.
You and me, we share no stories, no convergences. There are no bridges binding together the extremes we breathe in. There are no constellations connecting the dots of our reality. There are no heartstrings holding us together. There are no poles to measure the distance by which we are apart from each other. There is nothing common between you and me except the fact that we dream under the same blanket of darkness, shades of that blanket might be different at times yet, you shiver, sweat and squeeze just like me. You and me, we share no stories. What we share are just some nightmares, nightmares we can't ever swap. -Prachi
0
Apr 9, 2021
Apr 9, 2021 at 12:24 PM UTC
// an excerpt from my journal named as nightmares
"I cannot afford to miss you anymore, to soak in my tears any longer, my body pruned, and wet. I hoped to drown. Which I did, In the memories of you. It seems as if I suffer more and more as time passes. Watching as the sky turns gold to grey in what seems as a matter of seconds, I’m too lost to count the numbers on the clock. I can almost start to say “its been years” I think that’s what pains me the most, to watch as the seasons change, to see this world without you by my side, to lose my balance and fall, because you're too far to catch me. You’ve been in the corner of my eye daily, fleeting glances of your back as you walk on by puts weight onto my chest. I slow my tired bones in hope to catch the look on your face, then other days I’m practically sprinting when I see your feet under the crack of a door. It hurts so much that when I begin to start thinking about it I begin to get a headache. I’m then frantically thinking of all the memories of us, all the words, all the touches, everything. My brain is constantly tired from discarding newer memories just to remember what we ate one year, three months, two days, and sixteen seconds ago, together. I let it hurt, I think thats what I’m afraid of most; forgetting you, I almost did and realized it was chaos. I ached terribly at first, but it had yet to reach my body physically, now I shake, my heart beats frantically looking for a way out, if only it could leap out of my chest, just to get away from you, it clenches tightly when you’re mentioned because the very essence of your stupid name tears it apart all over again."
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Apr 21, 2020
Apr 21, 2020 at 12:48 AM UTC
Tired
"I cannot afford to miss you anymore, to soak in my tears any longer, my body pruned, and wet. I hoped to drown. Which I did, In the memories of you. It seems as if I suffer more and more as time passes. Watching as the sky turns gold to grey in what seems as a matter of seconds, I’m too lost to count the numbers on the clock. I can almost start to say “its been years” I think that’s what pains me the most, to watch as the seasons change, to see this world without you by my side, to lose my balance and fall, because you're too far to catch me. You’ve been in the corner of my eye daily, fleeting glances of your back as you walk on by puts weight onto my chest. I slow my tired bones in hope to catch the look on your face, then other days I’m practically sprinting when I see your feet under the crack of a door. It hurts so much that when I begin to start thinking about it I begin to get a headache. I’m then frantically thinking of all the memories of us, all the words, all the touches, everything. My brain is constantly tired from discarding newer memories just to remember what we ate one year, three months, two days, and sixteen seconds ago, together. I let it hurt, I think thats what I’m afraid of most; forgetting you, I almost did and realized it was chaos. I ached terribly at first, but it had yet to reach my body physically, now I shake, my heart beats frantically looking for a way out, if only it could leap out of my chest, just to get away from you, it clenches tightly when you’re mentioned because the very essence of your stupid name tears it apart all over again."
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5
nakikita ko ang pinaghalong sakit at galit sa kanyang mga mata, “nasaan ka nuong kailangan kita?” nanlalabo na ang mga mata ko dahil sa mga namumuong luha na nagbabadyang bumagsak, “nuong panahong kailangan mo ako, kailangan ko rin ang sarili ko..”
0
Apr 11, 2020
Apr 11, 2020 at 1:30 PM UTC
kailangan
I trudge along for what seems like an eternity. With each step, I fall further into the pits of despair. Pretty soon, I fear, anxiety will consume me and shatter whatever flicker of ambition is left. Maybe I should just give up now and lay here in these woods until the vultures decide to make a meal of my remains.
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Mar 9, 2020
Mar 9, 2020 at 12:33 PM UTC
forfeit
It's a crying shame The pursuit of our own wealth lights a flame That makes greed a game that lets the whole world burn As the world turns, the whole world burns Money was invented for trade But now those bits of paper twist hearts, make slaves Turns a saint to a sinner A child to a killer His finger on the trigger of a money game
0
Jan 7, 2020
Jan 7, 2020 at 9:26 PM UTC
Money Game - Ren
"Everyone is leaving the past, and you want me to stay?" I asked.
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Jul 25, 2019
Jul 25, 2019 at 5:03 PM UTC
Untitled
“It’s becoming tougher to love you every time you hurt me. It’s becoming tougher to trust you every time you betray me. It’s becoming tougher to be vulnerable every time you exploit me. It’s becoming tougher to lend you my heart when it feels like an open wound in your hand. You taunt me every opportunity you find, brag about my flaws occasionally, criticize and act cold at times. I am tired of visiting the restroom as though it is my sanctuary during occasions, shedding tears and walk out numbing my heart. We ought to be encouraging, loving and supporting one another and not pushing the other down to rise. But the heartaches are becoming often and old wounds are being reopened. It’s becoming tiring to experience it over and over again. I guess for it to not hurt anymore, it shouldn’t matter anymore.”
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Jul 24, 2019
Jul 24, 2019 at 9:38 AM UTC
Prose: Excerpt from a letter; It's becoming tougher to love you
One day, you will find yourself standing alone on the same street you were standing with him few months ago and it will hurt less this time. And you will realize that he wasn't even there with you in the first place.
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Jul 13, 2019
Jul 13, 2019 at 6:00 PM UTC
Untitled
"It would hurt me", he whispered softly under the protective blanket of the night. He held her closer in his arms, "You are my everything." He paused. "It upsets me to see you unhappy. I want nothing more than your happiness..." Another pause. "So I understand if you left. If you left me, if you left this world." He struggled to find the right words. "I'd understand but it would still hurt."
0
May 5, 2019
May 5, 2019 at 10:32 PM UTC
stay
All the songs always told me When you know, you'll know And I know I know that I've Done this before But I also know that it's never Felt This Right So come on little heart of mine Let's give this One More Try Come on you beaten golden thing Give it one more try.
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Mar 26, 2019
Mar 26, 2019 at 10:24 AM UTC
Excerpt: A Long Time Ago
I'll be the hero I never had. The live I lived without a dad. The paths I took without a guide. All these questions when you died.
0
Mar 18, 2019
Mar 18, 2019 at 9:45 AM UTC
Bye, gone hero (18/03/2018)
when you smiled, stars were born and each time, i knew that they would shine for you.
0
Feb 9, 2019
Feb 9, 2019 at 5:17 PM UTC
shine for you
i never thought i could fall this hard. i never once in a million years ever thought someone could actually love me back. but you my dear, oh you showed me just that. you showed me that i was lovable, i was wanted and i wasn’t worthless. i remember the first time you met my parents. they had a front on, but later that night you were holding me whilst i was hysterically crying because my parents are breaking their teeth on liquor bottles and having their monsters come out and have a fight. you showed me that you weren’t ever going to leave my side. i remember when i thought about all the possibilities of you just playing a trick on me, then you pointed out every single little thing you liked. i remember all of our stupid little arguments, it painfully reminds me of my relationship with my sister. except the one big difference; you didn’t leave me on my worst days. some people don’t believe in love, but if that’s the case, than what exactly did we have? because that was all love. i believe that the human mind can thrive without feeling every emotion, including love. i think when we don’t feel love, we shut down. i remember the first time we met each other’s friends. your friends took me in as a little sister the second they met me. and my friends made sure you knew what would happen if you broke my heart. i remember our biggest fight. an old friend was getting a little touchy, and you beat the **** out of him. i remember i wouldn’t talk to you for a few days because i needed to calm down about it. but you didn’t get mad at me, in fact you still texted me good morning and good night every single day. we had our ups and our downs. but i guess some girl who you had met and been friends with for 1 month can make you feel happier than someone you’ve been with for 2 years. i remember you looking me dead in the eye and telling me there was someone else. i don’t think i ever could hate you for putting me through this pain. all i have for you is love, and i may have accepted that we are done, but my heart still aches for you to kiss me at 12 am every single day because you wanted to be the first thing that made me smile every day. i remember the aftermath of our breakup, your friends still treat me like their little sister you know? they still defend me in every way and make sure i’m not doing anything stupid. i ask them about you every once in a while. but i just want you to know; we were in love, but i hope you’re happier with her.
0
Jan 30, 2019
Jan 30, 2019 at 3:23 AM UTC
excerpt from a story i’ll never write
i never thought i could fall this hard. i never once in a million years ever thought someone could actually love me back. but you my dear, oh you showed me just that. you showed me that i was lovable, i was wanted and i wasn’t worthless. i remember the first time you met my parents. they had a front on, but later that night you were holding me whilst i was hysterically crying because my parents are breaking their teeth on liquor bottles and having their monsters come out and have a fight. you showed me that you weren’t ever going to leave my side. i remember when i thought about all the possibilities of you just playing a trick on me, then you pointed out every single little thing you liked. i remember all of our stupid little arguments, it painfully reminds me of my relationship with my sister. except the one big difference; you didn’t leave me on my worst days. some people don’t believe in love, but if that’s the case, than what exactly did we have? because that was all love. i believe that the human mind can thrive without feeling every emotion, including love. i think when we don’t feel love, we shut down. i remember the first time we met each other’s friends. your friends took me in as a little sister the second they met me. and my friends made sure you knew what would happen if you broke my heart. i remember our biggest fight. an old friend was getting a little touchy, and you beat the **** out of him. i remember i wouldn’t talk to you for a few days because i needed to calm down about it. but you didn’t get mad at me, in fact you still texted me good morning and good night every single day. we had our ups and our downs. but i guess some girl who you had met and been friends with for 1 month can make you feel happier than someone you’ve been with for 2 years. i remember you looking me dead in the eye and telling me there was someone else. i don’t think i ever could hate you for putting me through this pain. all i have for you is love, and i may have accepted that we are done, but my heart still aches for you to kiss me at 12 am every single day because you wanted to be the first thing that made me smile every day. i remember the aftermath of our breakup, your friends still treat me like their little sister you know? they still defend me in every way and make sure i’m not doing anything stupid. i ask them about you every once in a while. but i just want you to know; we were in love, but i hope you’re happier with her.
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1
I tried so hard. I tried to be pretty and funny and spontaneous. I tried to be better for you. I know you’re not supposed to change yourself for someone, but I honestly feel like you were bringing out the best in me. You didn’t make me change myself. I chose to. So it hurts that I still wasn’t good enough for you. You didn’t try very hard. You didn’t have to. I was head over heels for you, and you knew it. You abused it. Now you’re gone, and I can’t even recognize myself.
0
Jan 23, 2019
Jan 23, 2019 at 11:01 AM UTC
you changed me
They say that the good things in life are worth waiting for,” she says. “Are they?” “Definitely. The wait ***** but when the good things finally come, you appreciate them way more. So when life gets rough, just remember that. Remember that it’ll get better soon.“
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Jan 23, 2019
Jan 23, 2019 at 10:54 AM UTC
Life