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#dogfight
My office gave me a computer so I could work from home (during the Covid crisis) They also gave me a work phone as my job entails taking calls from the public, It's strange but I've been doin' this job for years And I've always had this stammer... this funny stammer Yet luckily I've always been able to get by I've never let it bother me that much But now though, since working from home I'd noticed my stammer was getting progressively worse Maybe it was all the isolation, the lack of interaction with others But I found myself struggling with words/sounds that had never bothered me before It was beginning to become a real worry What was I gonna do !!! So I started to take a drink or two, a couple of glasses of wine along with a can (or two) of beer And listen to some music on my own phone Hoping it would relax me more Sometimes it'd work, sometimes... sometimes not But then one day... one day Lana del Rey came into my life Yea! I discovered the songs and music of Lana del Rey What a voice and the things she could do with it, it seemed so effortless What an Enchantress She'd transport me off to some other world faraway So between work calls, in the gaps in-between I'd have her songs on and be watching her videos on YouTube I used lose myself in her world Now I didn't care anymore about work or phone calls or whether I stammered or not Suddenly I was Mr. Cool driving down a motorway in LA with my sunglasses on in my Chevy Malibu Or maybe hanging out, chilling with Lana's crew (maybe on a thirteenth beach somewhere) And when she'd be singing something melancholy, something blue I'd be there comforting her saying  "I know Lana, I understand, sure Me! I'm a King of Melancholy too". Well one Friday I was feeling kinda happy and good about life I'd survived another week in the job and had a long weekend to look forward to as I had Monday off And yes! I'd had a few drinks as well and was away again lost in Lana land I had her songs on and a video was playing Suddenly I felt I needed to go for a *** So I put Lana on hold saying "Excuse me Lana" But then... just then my work phone rings, there's someone on the line, I say to myself I better take this call I'll get rid of him quick (famous last words) I don't know if this guy was lonely or just liked the sound of my voice But I just could not get him off the phone Sometimes the phone calls they'd remind me  of the old Air Aces back in World War I In their biplanes, shooting at one another, those dogfights in the sky (They should have had us wearing bomber jackets) But if this guy was an Air Ace, then he was the Red Baron I couldn't shake him, just couldn't get him off my tail, could not get him off the phone He's like... he's like feckin Columbo (the detective off the TV) It's like he's finished, he's just going out the door But then he turns around and comes back with another question "Can I ask you...this... Can I ask you...that... Would you mind answering this question... Just one more thing... Just one more question.... One last question.... One final question... You're very good, can I ask you.... Sorry for taking up all your time but can I ask you.... You're very knowledgeable, it's great to get someone you can talk to, so you're saying.... Is that the way it works, can I ask you..." At this stage I'm bustin' to go to the loo It's getting to emergency stations, my poor bladder What am I going to do!!! Should I excuse myself and tell him I've got to go to the loo But that's not very professional, I'd never ever done that before Anyway I'm thinking I have no other alternative But then suddenly... suddenly I spy this empty bottle on my shelf It's an unusual bottle with thick glass and it has this lovely wooden capped cork which can be easily pulled out and put back in again (I kept it 'cos I thought it might come in handy if I had a corked bottle of wine And the cork got messed up with the corkscrew I could put any surplus wine in there) So I'm looking at this bottle and... I have an idea "Desperate situations call for desperate measures", I think "You gotta do what you gotta do, And of course, their always saying you should be creative and innovative in your work" So I take down the bottle, tell Lana to avert her eyes I take out the cork, unzip the fly of my pants Get my Old Boy out and start peeing into the bottle I'm mightily relieved and I'm thinking Ha! Ha! Go on you ****** ask me another question, I don't care now....I'm free!!! I'm proud of myself "What a Pro !" I'm thinking, The next thing a whole lot of *** comes flying out of the bottle, like a bottle of champagne gushing out Shooting out all over the place, all over my pants and my shirt I'd miscalculated the amount of *** and the size of the bottle I never knew I peed that much (well you learn something new everyday) And the guy is still talking to me on the phone And all I'm thinking is "Jaysus I'm after peeing all over myself" And finally... finally, at long...looong... looooong last the guy, he gets off the phone, halleluia!!! I'm left there completely deflated, soaked in my own *** Broken and disconsolate, all my illusions shattered No longer am I Mr.Cool driving down a motorway in LA No longer am I either Mr. All-understanding Melancholy Guru Man No! Now I'm just... just some guy whose after peeing all over himself I look at my phone and there's Lana looking back at me, still on hold I switch her on again, she's singing that lovely song "Love" She does that lovely little shimmy with her shoulders for a second Then she gives me that cute little wink and the lovely smile I think to myself "Well, at least Lana still likes me" But I feel guilty, I feel I got to explain, got to apologise "Sorry Lana", I say, "I guess...I guess they don't make heroes like they used to". Then I start to think 'This working from home is really fraught with danger, lucky there's no cameras on these computers or they'd be saying "I don't believe what I've just seen, what's that feckin' eejit doing now" But then I think "Still, the customer went away happy, I didn't let it faze me too much, I saw it through... me and my funny stammer...what a Pro! Maybe I was... maybe I am...a hero after all.
0
Nov 24, 2021
Nov 24, 2021 at 5:46 PM UTC
bardo
Working from home
My office gave me a computer so I could work from home (during the Covid crisis) They also gave me a work phone as my job entails taking calls from the public, It's strange but I've been doin' this job for years And I've always had this stammer... this funny stammer Yet luckily I've always been able to get by I've never let it bother me that much But now though, since working from home I'd noticed my stammer was getting progressively worse Maybe it was all the isolation, the lack of interaction with others But I found myself struggling with words/sounds that had never bothered me before It was beginning to become a real worry What was I gonna do !!! So I started to take a drink or two, a couple of glasses of wine along with a can (or two) of beer And listen to some music on my own phone Hoping it would relax me more Sometimes it'd work, sometimes... sometimes not But then one day... one day Lana del Rey came into my life Yea! I discovered the songs and music of Lana del Rey What a voice and the things she could do with it, it seemed so effortless What an Enchantress She'd transport me off to some other world faraway So between work calls, in the gaps in-between I'd have her songs on and be watching her videos on YouTube I used lose myself in her world Now I didn't care anymore about work or phone calls or whether I stammered or not Suddenly I was Mr. Cool driving down a motorway in LA with my sunglasses on in my Chevy Malibu Or maybe hanging out, chilling with Lana's crew (maybe on a thirteenth beach somewhere) And when she'd be singing something melancholy, something blue I'd be there comforting her saying  "I know Lana, I understand, sure Me! I'm a King of Melancholy too". Well one Friday I was feeling kinda happy and good about life I'd survived another week in the job and had a long weekend to look forward to as I had Monday off And yes! I'd had a few drinks as well and was away again lost in Lana land I had her songs on and a video was playing Suddenly I felt I needed to go for a *** So I put Lana on hold saying "Excuse me Lana" But then... just then my work phone rings, there's someone on the line, I say to myself I better take this call I'll get rid of him quick (famous last words) I don't know if this guy was lonely or just liked the sound of my voice But I just could not get him off the phone Sometimes the phone calls they'd remind me  of the old Air Aces back in World War I In their biplanes, shooting at one another, those dogfights in the sky (They should have had us wearing bomber jackets) But if this guy was an Air Ace, then he was the Red Baron I couldn't shake him, just couldn't get him off my tail, could not get him off the phone He's like... he's like feckin Columbo (the detective off the TV) It's like he's finished, he's just going out the door But then he turns around and comes back with another question "Can I ask you...this... Can I ask you...that... Would you mind answering this question... Just one more thing... Just one more question.... One last question.... One final question... You're very good, can I ask you.... Sorry for taking up all your time but can I ask you.... You're very knowledgeable, it's great to get someone you can talk to, so you're saying.... Is that the way it works, can I ask you..." At this stage I'm bustin' to go to the loo It's getting to emergency stations, my poor bladder What am I going to do!!! Should I excuse myself and tell him I've got to go to the loo But that's not very professional, I'd never ever done that before Anyway I'm thinking I have no other alternative But then suddenly... suddenly I spy this empty bottle on my shelf It's an unusual bottle with thick glass and it has this lovely wooden capped cork which can be easily pulled out and put back in again (I kept it 'cos I thought it might come in handy if I had a corked bottle of wine And the cork got messed up with the corkscrew I could put any surplus wine in there) So I'm looking at this bottle and... I have an idea "Desperate situations call for desperate measures", I think "You gotta do what you gotta do, And of course, their always saying you should be creative and innovative in your work" So I take down the bottle, tell Lana to avert her eyes I take out the cork, unzip the fly of my pants Get my Old Boy out and start peeing into the bottle I'm mightily relieved and I'm thinking Ha! Ha! Go on you ****** ask me another question, I don't care now....I'm free!!! I'm proud of myself "What a Pro !" I'm thinking, The next thing a whole lot of *** comes flying out of the bottle, like a bottle of champagne gushing out Shooting out all over the place, all over my pants and my shirt I'd miscalculated the amount of *** and the size of the bottle I never knew I peed that much (well you learn something new everyday) And the guy is still talking to me on the phone And all I'm thinking is "Jaysus I'm after peeing all over myself" And finally... finally, at long...looong... looooong last the guy, he gets off the phone, halleluia!!! I'm left there completely deflated, soaked in my own *** Broken and disconsolate, all my illusions shattered No longer am I Mr.Cool driving down a motorway in LA No longer am I either Mr. All-understanding Melancholy Guru Man No! Now I'm just... just some guy whose after peeing all over himself I look at my phone and there's Lana looking back at me, still on hold I switch her on again, she's singing that lovely song "Love" She does that lovely little shimmy with her shoulders for a second Then she gives me that cute little wink and the lovely smile I think to myself "Well, at least Lana still likes me" But I feel guilty, I feel I got to explain, got to apologise "Sorry Lana", I say, "I guess...I guess they don't make heroes like they used to". Then I start to think 'This working from home is really fraught with danger, lucky there's no cameras on these computers or they'd be saying "I don't believe what I've just seen, what's that feckin' eejit doing now" But then I think "Still, the customer went away happy, I didn't let it faze me too much, I saw it through... me and my funny stammer...what a Pro! Maybe I was... maybe I am...a hero after all.
Continue reading...
102
Burly bleak plumes roll out aloft corn Where the dragon fell post spin and ditch A wretched hulk of ruin splintered and worn Amongst endless blanch green fields which Arc with a gust and apart where he treads, Dragging his silk cape afar from flame Clueless and concussed to a near house he heads With a tattered scarf that constricts yet ***** about his mane Black fists of cloud had boomed around him as they soared His beast spat metal fire whilst the pale sky turned dull The zipping ballet of warfare smiled throughout as motors roared Gnashing its teeth and making forgotten martyrs of them all Shuddering not from demise rather conflict as a whole He is as content with death as he is to survive Just not burn the world and condemn his soul A horror; men of rule seem keen to keep alive An agrarian self-dines rancorous and crocked Half sat, improperly perched from where he was shot Monsters had come for him once before this day They took his spouse and his daughter and then took them away He can hear but does not hark to the battle aloft It is now like the rain and the trees in a gust But to the boom and the shake he stands with a cough And as he cites the invader he sees he must do what he must The grower limps out with a Chassepot in his arms As the airman’s hands reach up and he falls to his knees With beads on his brow the man pleads with met palms The crofter sees naught but a Prussian blue monster disease The pilot knows his death, ‘Ich bin nicht sicher, wo ich will gehen?” The old Frenchman just sniggers as he thinks never again With the rifle’s slug now spent and the horror sent back to his hell The farmer mumbles to himself, ‘je dois me chercher une pelle,”
0
Sep 13, 2014
Sep 13, 2014 at 9:54 PM UTC
aaron-wallis
Seeds
Burly bleak plumes roll out aloft corn Where the dragon fell post spin and ditch A wretched hulk of ruin splintered and worn Amongst endless blanch green fields which Arc with a gust and apart where he treads, Dragging his silk cape afar from flame Clueless and concussed to a near house he heads With a tattered scarf that constricts yet ***** about his mane Black fists of cloud had boomed around him as they soared His beast spat metal fire whilst the pale sky turned dull The zipping ballet of warfare smiled throughout as motors roared Gnashing its teeth and making forgotten martyrs of them all Shuddering not from demise rather conflict as a whole He is as content with death as he is to survive Just not burn the world and condemn his soul A horror; men of rule seem keen to keep alive An agrarian self-dines rancorous and crocked Half sat, improperly perched from where he was shot Monsters had come for him once before this day They took his spouse and his daughter and then took them away He can hear but does not hark to the battle aloft It is now like the rain and the trees in a gust But to the boom and the shake he stands with a cough And as he cites the invader he sees he must do what he must The grower limps out with a Chassepot in his arms As the airman’s hands reach up and he falls to his knees With beads on his brow the man pleads with met palms The crofter sees naught but a Prussian blue monster disease The pilot knows his death, ‘Ich bin nicht sicher, wo ich will gehen?” The old Frenchman just sniggers as he thinks never again With the rifle’s slug now spent and the horror sent back to his hell The farmer mumbles to himself, ‘je dois me chercher une pelle,”
Continue reading...
32