#despondency
sunlight has washed itself out overnight
silent hours, keeping some to himself
now it's grey, like a flatlined beat
ignoring rushing white coats
while she sits planted
in the middle
of the hall
yawning
and then
I see my job:
to look beyond
what's dished up
be in the driver's seat
and make something
good from this day
and every day
Mar 30
Mar 30, 2026 at 8:12 PM UTC
Kneeling at an altar to depression
Genuflecting to the ideals of loss
Dreams left behind that eternal question
Beleaguered joy borne, burden, cross
Enshrining truth within a tomb of memory
Monk of a religion that believes in naught
Master of realities adrift in bombastic theory
Servant to whimsies of mercurial thought
Spirit seeking purpose, eyes beseech heaven
The void swells, in answering angelic voice
Alighting the soul with renewal, redemption
And hopeless fantasy becomes simple choice
Jun 8, 2025
Jun 8, 2025 at 10:37 AM UTC
Was water my lover?
And due another question
Of mercy and its lover, so your...
A choice made; a house of blessings?
A church that ****** my brains out
Named clergy's epistle
A wish I followed till kingdom's come's pout
I fear you like a smile in the world...
Awkward promises
To begin an ending that thought more
Than the race of love, before it loses
A handsomer prayer, for a devil called forth...?
Shame, we run like your future
Silver tongues, golden lungs
Longing for tomorrow, like a few was certain...
To wish again; who is mere and who is strong?
This kiss cost me, a mercy's shadow
Simple risk's and rises of sincerity, found
With a second prayer, of wind and rain to owe
That asked, is it all right to admit allowed?
Tales of presumption, a city of angel's
Quiet was my need, like a chat to lead
The service of an ideal, that keeps you well...
Acts, deed and time, to look far ahead
The sound you swim with...
Poise, can a fish remember your hands?
Or the feet of austere powers, that meant...
A look of life, to and with the might of lands
Swallow our pride?
Thus said the fury of anger:
Liberty is a long run with a heart full of shied...
That a season has its own for a care to wonder
By and asked the spirit of me...
In the mind of mercy
Is a wisdom to know, sharing is energy
With the time to say, is love waiting on history?
Thank you, for a prayer
I stir in the hands of another
I take for worth, and the beauty of care
Which when asked, why is God a timidity to bother?
Feb 9, 2025
Feb 9, 2025 at 4:18 PM UTC
The teeth are brittle and break away.
Blood spills and leaves me…
Alone. It’s been getting worse since May.
Flowers that used to give me color, just remind me of Gray. The sea can’t grow,
no co-sign for my loans,
and tangents never helped me anyway.
The question of “Why?”, equaled ex’s that got eliminated, division from dimensions, so nothing Remains. I can’t integrate happiness into dysfunction, but my voices want to play. They’re constant and fill me with dismay. Help is so far away, it’s just another sign of my exponential decay.
He keeps feeling broken day by day.
This life isn’t a game but us demons keep giving him the play-by-play. The thoughts never go, they stay, drowning his stupid *** again and again until night turns day.
Pills and people are needed but unable to change his way. “Is it possible to substitute U?” He wasn’t needed anyway. He’s so ******* annoying, just call him Billie Kay. What’s the going price of a casket in this age and day? No one will notice him gone,
they couldn’t even say his name.
He appears most likely in Hell, it’s a praise day.
Nah we won’t even hurt him, he ain’t worth the flame.
Bit by bit he’s already done, with so much exponential decay.
Dec 10, 2024
Dec 10, 2024 at 3:36 PM UTC
#
*Prairieland grass--
bent over towards the ground
by the dry, Fall wind
as the subtle warmth
of a teasing Sun..
Submits itself to the
now impending Winter..
where grass and seed
sleep in dormancy
as the subzero wind
prepares the ground
to receive snow.. upon snow
upon snow.
..And there is this temptation
to draw feelings and conclusions
from any one certain part
of the whole.
And those feelings and conclusions..
--they feel so very real
Because they were based upon the real;
but only a part of the beautiful whole..
And though, even one part of the whole
is as real as every single other part..
It is in itself, incomplete.
Just as the bent-over prairiegrass
under the snow is incomplete..
It is Spring now.. sweet, struggling Angel
All things become new.*
#
May 11, 2023
May 11, 2023 at 4:41 AM UTC
tedious tardy sleeps are the latest commodity
my advisor‘s eulogized,
though I have dealt with it
for as long as ever.
since I do that exceedingly well.
just once I’d wish to sink into bed,
shut my eyes for a shielded moment,
and find myself revived afterwards.
perhaps my life is
too cluttered with uncertainties,
so my bedlam body unlearned to be happy.
instead, a high demand of despondency
is expected to be appeased by
the insomniac stakeholders of my remains.
Jul 23, 2020
Jul 23, 2020 at 1:19 AM UTC
there she hangs
my most appealing branch
bonding with a full-grown oak tree
what a fine firm fit
she enjoyed splendid foothold
one could say
according to her blooming children
far from decay
and her healthy membrane
enveloping the sturdy stem
that no wind can shake
silently screaming
pick me, pick me!
fine
I will pick you
as long as you promise me
one last time
that you will stay
firm
never let go
so I can
fit
like my head in god's bulge
as I hoist myself onto oblivion’s clasp
into the deadliest of heavens
I’m tired
untie
when you find me
untie
Jul 20, 2020
Jul 20, 2020 at 5:23 PM UTC
a fog of uncertainty
or mist of opportunity
discouragement of the fearful
passion of the pathfinders
boredom of the erudite
opportunity of the ready
despair of the overcome
pride of the calm conqueror
crumbling of the thoughtless
savvy of the thinker
rebellion of restless seas
wisdom of the calmer waters
coarseness of the unmodified rocks
refinement of a rare diamond sage
repeating dirge of the pessimists
excitement of the optimists
shock of the confronted
pragmatism of the realists
dissatisfaction of the takers
fulfillment's flame in the givers
empty shell of the ever selfish
and balm of those who
to the bewildered
smile kindness
May 1, 2020
May 1, 2020 at 12:30 PM UTC
In a very distant land I believe there is a
King; he is old decrepit and withered; no
Servants and no Knaves beside him; no
Queen to be the solace of his miserable
Being; he perched upon his throne and
Do nothing but beholds his sank in
Calamity Kingdom; the old tokens of His
Might and Sway may still be visible;
Bearing no power though; his mantle is
Crimson but dusty and shabby;
Somewhere even stiffened and resembles
A crust; his skin is placid and paled and
Peeling with flakes which fall and mound near au pied of his throne; no sounds
Resound but his moans and groans
From pain or from despair or some other
Misery is not known; but the thing that is
True is the fact that he suffers and craves
For the former boons; he wishes his plight
Was restored to that of an ephebe; but
Alas; leave all thy hopes thou King since
Long Ago of Nothing; forsaken is thy
Kingdom, come no prosper to thee nor
Posterity will thrive nor any herb will reside
These barren lands of yours; for we reap
What we sow and when thou sowest
Tempest
Thou shalt reap the sprouts of
Despondency
Dec 18, 2019
Dec 18, 2019 at 2:55 AM UTC
I wandered for a moment, surrounded by the white tunnel
In which I smelt the metallic tang from stainless steel
Travelling in the open air.
Glancing, I saw the disarray: nurses dashing in assistance, paramedics charging through the gaping doors with emergency cases
And doctors immersed in the plight to save lives.
I slid a door open,
Discovering an image so brief and profound,
A man, varnished with red, ached as it
Dripped through his hair -
Hesitantly, he settled sideways,
You could see his hurts were spinal.
He had fallen from an engine,
Dragged along the grating metals,
And as he lay, half sentient -
To his bed came a woman,
Who stood and sighed,
Her lips were writhen
As the sun had risen.
How desolate it was,
As she lied near the thundering waterfall of his heart,
Only to realise,
They were on the eve of their marriage.
Feb 25, 2019
Feb 25, 2019 at 1:15 PM UTC
_it ***** doesn't it? feeling like you're not good enough, no matter how are you try._
Dec 1, 2018
Dec 1, 2018 at 6:01 PM UTC
_i've spent my whole life making other people happy when all they did was leave._
Dec 1, 2018
Dec 1, 2018 at 6:00 PM UTC
_just close your eyes
you'll be alright_
Dec 1, 2018
Dec 1, 2018 at 6:00 PM UTC
Apathy stabbed me in the gut
Depression rode my back
Despair bound my legs and arms
Desolation, a sneak attack
Sorrow blinded reason
Deprivation, rode me down
Gloom, in every corner
In sadness dying, drowned
Knives and swords, and worse
The bad downside, to the up
Wielding every weapon they can
A half empty, poison cup
It seems so very simple
"Pick yourself up" I was told
"It's all in your head" my boy
then why o why my friend
are life, and people, cold
Feb 23, 2017
Feb 23, 2017 at 1:11 PM UTC
Life is short,
Life is quick.
But there’s always a wonder of sort,
even when it looks dreary and bleak.
Sep 29, 2016
Sep 29, 2016 at 3:53 AM UTC
(Early Mornings)
It is 4:10 AM
Here i am, facing you...
Haven't showered...haven't brushed...haven't gurgled
Too early to look...but, i could not resist seeing
This person with disheveled hair
Eyes are not too willing to open
Avoiding the uncertainty surfacing...slowly but surely
Making itself known, this morning so early...
An empty shell, is what i could see
A looming nonentity...
No coffee yet, but, the eyes already speak
You don't answer, your looks are so bleak
That is how you tell me i am stubborn
But i've been this way since birth...so torn
You tell me, i am just in denial
In front of you, it is like, i am on trial
But, i am just a mortal
Maybe we are both tired
How can we ever go back to being inspired?
Maybe you'd rather shatter into pieces...like i would,
I'd carefully gather your shards...would you gather mine, if you could?
Now, later, tonight, tomorrow...we always face each other
There are days, when i look at you, you make me smile, i feel better!
But, most times, i hate the reflections, they make me glare
And i so despise the thoughts that ensue...i counter your stare
..... I close my eyes, with a plea,
A blink could not erase, the images that i see..
I have never wanted separation
And yet, Fate brought me here, in isolation
You're my silent pal...my silent witness
You say nothing when i become senseless
I leave you in the morning
I come home from work in the evening
And i find you still here... on this wall
Welcoming me home...where i just sit, or stall
Faint jazzy sounds comfort me
A few hours rest...late at night...i sleep...i am free
Then, again, the alarm ruins the stillness of the moment
Robs the dawn of its precious silence
And i rise...to drown anew in despondency...in self pity,
Or is this lunacy?
All i see is gray...and black
Be it dawn...or dusk.
If ever i surrender
I'd be swamped with the stark truth, the reflections you offer
...this can't be a facade,
...in front of you, it's just too bad
I am
U n m a s k e d...
....I am weak, powerless...i crawl
Over and over, i struggle not to fall,
Over and over, i look at you... but, just the same..i fall.
(January 22, 2015)
Sally
Copyright May 2015
Rosalia Rosario A. Bayan
Jul 9, 2015
Jul 9, 2015 at 5:29 PM UTC
To write, to write
Yes these words do excite...
A sleeping giant of sorts
Whose brow has not been tested
And how carefully invested -
Scrambled verse is attested
To a rhymic riddled head
Apr 29, 2015
Apr 29, 2015 at 9:18 AM UTC
Even my shadow seems golden in the abyss that I call my residence;
even the water seems solid, frozen by silent darkness.
My screams seem like whispers,
their echoes alone reside with me.
A pariah in misery, clad in the darkness of despondency,
I shrivel like a dying flower with every passing moment.
I am my own confidant,
I am my own adversary.
Since, I am trapped alone in this dark monotony.
I calm myself with the vanishing memories of summertime kisses;
I hurt myself with a hope of an escape.
With bites inflicted by my own teeth,
I’m a carnivore for my own flesh.
Yet my hunger is rendered frail,
since I still cage my soul inside this torturous chamber of flesh and blood.
I’m an unskilled hunter,
longing for my prey.
I still breathe breaths of biting indifference.
The unforgiving air slices my trachea like a sharp metal,
yet the cuts aren't lethal enough,
to free the trapped bird that my soul is,
yet the crimson isn't abundant enough to choke my lungs in my own misery.
The cage formed by my bones,
still restrict its flight.
Perhaps I will be my own escape.
Perhaps I will free the melancholy bird,
without the ****** of my tainted body.
But I am a reckless mother,
who let her child fall into this labyrinthine chasm.
I’m the almost lover,
guilty of somebody else’s union with darkness.
My carcass remains bruised and broken,
yet it is not putrid.
I still exist,
but in a different form.
The dark entities now rejoice,
for they are free to dance around me.
Embracing darkness with open arms,
I see no golden shadow anymore.
Since the light responsible for it being cast,
was extinguished by my own sinister blood.
Its golden ember now lost in crimson.
And that is how;
I witnessed my shadow’s demise.
Nov 19, 2014
Nov 19, 2014 at 10:25 AM UTC
Despondency...
painful monotony,
familiar quilt-
morphing into me
weaving waves
of tidal loss-
an itchy loneliness
Sep 16, 2014
Sep 16, 2014 at 8:23 AM UTC
For sustenance we trudge on
Just to sustain
This callus equilibrium of fragile crystals
swaying in the wind, falling constantly
Employing the cleverest techniques of fleeting upward momentum
Short-lived displays of affection bleeding the small offering received at birth
endlessly replayed to our children's eyes
Despondent indentured servants scribbling through skin and tendons
Just to feed their families the rice they can no longer grow
And sending these fairy tales to the rosy-cheeked offspring of their oppressor's store bought dreams
To keep the oppression alive .
To operate at peak efficiency.
To transfer honest muscle through wire mesh.
And fatten.
And enfeeble
Enforce the prerequisites to match the scale's testimony.
Testify! Oh, Lord. We thank you for this meal stolen from our inferiors.
Please Please Please.
We demand pleasure. IT IS REQUIRED.
For if we feel sadness, then we have failed.
And we'll lay down what we don't have space in our engorged bellies for.
It will be placed, with all due honors, to our greatest shrine.
Where we are honest with our real Mother.
Where the proud, twicely worn, footwear of our warrior-spiritless cows rests
Where erections limp as collapsed towers, respected by false jihads, sleep.
Where dream's plastic refusal composts never; nourishing nothing.
Where potential is pure impotence.
The bed we all share.
Aug 11, 2014
Aug 11, 2014 at 9:23 PM UTC
My mind broke on Saturday night
shattered shards of control splintering through
what remains of a battered, weary psyche
slicing, cutting
thoughts spilling everywhere
slicing, cutting
thoughts spilling everywhere
SLICING, CUTTING
emotions bleed out
the sightless eyes of many
staring at me
as i fight the demons
that have escaped
staring at me
as i fight myself
staring at me
as i lose.
I don't want to fight anymore
i don't want to
i don't
i can't
staring at me as i fall
the demonic reflections vanish
everything fades
until i, too
am gone.
Jul 12, 2014
Jul 12, 2014 at 9:07 AM UTC
I don't feel like myself today
Maybe I stayed too long in bed
I feel vacant, my soul trailing
lazily over my head
I don't want to Be
Today
I don't want to see
Today
Characteristics are gone
Today
Only an entity
Today
I am my own enemy
Today
I could be my own best friend
but why even pretend
Everything around fills me with dread
I wish I could have stayed in bed
Connections are dead
Today
Wish that were me instead
Today
Tomorrow is a short blink away
I'll open my eyes after
Today
Apr 25, 2014
Apr 25, 2014 at 12:40 AM UTC