#despondence
I’m sorry I got that question wrong.
I’m sorry I can't move on.
I’m sorry I'm not smarter.
I’m sorry I couldn't be stronger.
I’m sorry how I take on as much as I can
only to ***** it all up.
And I’m sorry I couldn't find the man
inside my empty cup.
I’m sorry I waste my time away
trying to find a dreamy way
to happiness
when of course,
there's no such thing.
I’m sorry I don't talk much anymore
or that I let on how my heart is sore
from all the roughness
and how it keeps beating
without a source.
In fact, I must confess,
I am dying under boundless stress.
Each day my depression attacks,
reopening these countless cracks.
So many times have I walked this hall
feeling so weak and so small,
bracing for a final fall
just waiting till my lifeline snaps,
like any second I’ll collapse,
but of course I never do,
I know better than that.
But if I were to give my final words today,
this is exactly what I would say.
But that I won't undergo
I suppose you’ll never know
how sorry I am that there's nothing I’m on top of
and for dormantly letting endless piles of work tower above.
And how I’m sorry for caring more than I should
and letting myself be so consumed.
I’m sorry for impeding the impedeless
and for hoping in the hopeless.
And finally,
most especially,
I am sorry
for wanting to be so important
and that I became nothing but torment.
I am sorry for wanting so hard to be heard
when it's clear I’ll only ever come third.
I’m sorry for thinking I could matter
or that I could make things better.
I am sorry for believing
that I could amount to anything
at all.
Mar 7, 2025
Mar 7, 2025 at 9:01 PM UTC
Blank space was left
Empty bowl was bereft
Occupied mind is what it was
Numb heart is what it has
Staring
Not thinking
Surviving
Not living
Surrendering
Everything
Surrendering
Nothing
Alive but dead
Covered in red
Slowly flowing
Losing everything
Gaining something
Hearing nothing
Beats gone
It's done
Such a relief
As the thief
Runaway with it
Never again you'll meet
Willingly
You let it be
Finally
You are free.
Jan 6, 2018
Jan 6, 2018 at 6:33 AM UTC
A white paper
Not a single letter
Lies in there
Lies you cover
Heart thumps
Foot stomps
Nervousness
Hide the mess
Truth in dark
Killed the spark
Hope is dead
Life ended
Secret
You kept
How long
You'll live wrong?
Jan 6, 2018
Jan 6, 2018 at 6:27 AM UTC
Suffering alone
Cracking bones
Calling home
Wish to have won
The past battle
Not left with little
Little courage
Little torn page
Little piece of heart
Making it hard to start
Start a new life
Just pull the knife
Push until they drop
Until the flow stop
Silently cry
Until eyes are dry
Until it's done
Until I'm gone
Such a fast escape
From this world I hate
Jan 5, 2018
Jan 5, 2018 at 12:01 PM UTC
Understand
That I don't want
To be known
But be understood how I've grown
Quiet at times
Giving birth to certain rhymes
In my head where no one
Was there to see no sun
Just the demons whispering in my ear
Dancing with the rays of my fear
How I find solace in darkness
And solitude in my peacefulness
How my nightmares keep haunting
Their promise so enticing
Understand that I pretend to be busy
To ease the loneliness inside of me
That I sleep in the middle of something
Cause it's the time my demons are attacking
How overthinking envelopes
Pushes me to slopes
Tightening the ropes
Taking away my hopes
Suffocating
Choking
Until I'm drowned in melancholia
Until I'm consumed by paranoia
Understand
That when I say I'm fine
I mean I don't want you to bother
With me and that I'd rather
Deal with this alone
Than burden you with my thorns
Thorns that chain me
Thorns that pain me
Then rip me apart
Shredding my heart
In the process
Leaving me lifeless
But it's okay
It is how I will ever stay
Lifeless, motionless, numb
Let my body succumb
To infinite oblivion
Killing my emotion
Understand
That even I can't understand
How I will survive
How I will thrive
To live and be alive
To not dive
To continue breathing
To stop from writhing
With the pain spreading
In my body taking
Over me
Over is me.
Jan 5, 2018
Jan 5, 2018 at 11:58 AM UTC
People never realize,
Or recognize,
The touch of a broken soul.
The despondence,
Fear and need,
Skilfully masked beneath.
Pain never shows,
On their poker faces.
How battered they still fight,
Still live.
Dec 15, 2014
Dec 15, 2014 at 11:54 PM UTC
You're picking at me
like scabs of my mistakes
Disappointing you
is easy;
and admittedly-
pleasing.
We're careening down the mountain
and you've cut the brakes.
Your medication give you the shakes
and I twitch in my sleep
Your love is cheap
and the wine is sweet
and I awake the next morning
with a migraine from both.
What a gracious host.
I'll try to make ends meet and
you'll half-heartedly sing me to sleep.
We'll do the whole **** thing
again on repeat
week after week.
Nov 24, 2014
Nov 24, 2014 at 10:02 PM UTC