#defense
Missiles split the dark —
My city trembles and answers.
Thunder, then silence.
I will not turn away my eyes —
But my heart is pounding hard.
May 13
May 13, 2026 at 9:41 PM UTC
Here I am, thinking again
Trying to figure out how to win
The best offense is a good defense
Hold that thought, love will knock you off the fence
What looks good now may not last
Everything that happens is in the past
No turning back, no wishing for change
Just trying to understand why life is so strange
Hold on to your heart, get a tight grip
Love is the blisters that come from a whip
Leaving a mark for all lovers to see
Only bleeding for you and me
C.E. Uptain
4/27/26
May 1
May 1, 2026 at 4:43 PM UTC
I feel like writing - the feeling is itch-like.
Perhaps something aesthetically unconvincing
to feed the algorithm or better yet, something
carefully designed to invoke irate criticism.
“You aren’t the boss of me!" I’ll be thinking.
It’s my understanding (ok, a 15 year old told me)
that younger GenZs go to dances and just stand around
because GOD FORBID someone takes a pic
of them looking stupid while dancing.
I’m genZ but I want to shake myself apart on the dance floor.
I don’t stand looks - I switch it up with..
“If you think I look stupid
- I don’t look stupid -
your FACE looks stupid. (I sneer)
I can stop dancing any time
but you’re stuck with that face.”
Of course, that's an old insult - as old as teens themselves
but sometimes you have to go with the classics.
.
.
A song for this:
Get Him Back by Fiona Apple
Cassandra by Florence + the Machine
Jan 15
Jan 15, 2026 at 10:34 PM UTC
My words dig deep
And do they strike true.
My tongue is a weapon,
I don't always use
It can harm and main
Deeper than any physical wound.
My words can heal, harm...
Or haunt you.
Aug 19, 2025
Aug 19, 2025 at 9:20 PM UTC
Explaining the me of me.
Always been detailed oriented
It’s who I am, it’s part of me.
I pound my chest
Try to get point across
Voice in earnest tone
I get offended
When accused
Of being defensive
My opinion,
On defense mechanism
Is that it is an
Explanation mechanism.
Defense goes up
When it seems
You won’t even listen
You say you hear
I say you do not hear, Hear
Rather, you turn your cheek
To my offering of just listen for once.
So, rather than
Defense accusations
Think in terms of my
Imparting to you who I am
My thoughts, my feelings.
I want you to know me
As I want to know you.
An idea, a conversation evolution
Open it to new possibilities.
Ask a question, make a statement
But…rather than answer initial
Point of subject
Go back, dig, become a reaper
What is reason the matter
Took spoken form?
Discover the prompt
Of initial point of discussion
And, talk about it.
Defending oneself
With defense mechanisms
Nor acccusations of defense
Is simply a dead end.
Why is it essential to
To send attack claiming
Defense, what is it in you
Cannot face?
Translating defense mechanisms
Into positive outcomes
By investigating the crux
Of the defense
By both individuals
Seems a more positive approach.
A defense of sorts on either side
Is just that,
Does not change a thing.
Just listen, rather than accuse.
Let me be heard
Just, please listen to hear, Hear.
I want me to be part
Of life’s prisms
To travel into the intricacies of being.
If not allowed to talk
To share my inner-most self
Staying locked in my self-prison
Is not where I want to be.
May 1, 2025
May 1, 2025 at 2:08 PM UTC
Often times those of us that disturb peace,
Are making up for the lack of our own.
I used to look upon the scarred and hurt,
With disgust.
The world had taught me,
There was no place for those who can't defend themselves.
You need no excuse to stand and fight,
Let us defend the scared,
To make up for every little sin.
Apr 11, 2025
Apr 11, 2025 at 9:56 AM UTC
All of us hide
Behind smiles that tell everyone,
I’m fine
So they don’t even have to ask
If they did ask,
How are you?
The reply is the same, monotone,
Programmed into us
Just like our niceties,
Our polite evasions.
Our quiet defenses distract,
Destroy
They push others away,
Before they’ve even had a chance
To try.
How are you?
I’m struggling, drowning,
Help me, please -
Listen to me, even though I don’t
Have the courage to speak.
Jan 1, 2025
Jan 1, 2025 at 10:55 PM UTC
Our best defense against the devil and his tricks
Is to quickly procure and utilize a spiritual fix
To don an aura of humility relying on God's grace
And ardent love for Him will put the devil in his place
The war is raging inside our souls
Love and passion stir the coals
We fight against enemies unseen, but quite real
Eternally fighting for another soul to steal
Defend us in our weakness, rid us of all vanity
Lift us up as we struggle in our humanity
The flesh is weak, and the mind may doubt
But the spirit is willing, and the heart is stout
Come to our aid against the sea of foes
And hold us firm while the mighty wind blows
Rely on God and others to find the strength within
To hold fast against temptation and fall not into sin
Sometimes we may falter and sometimes we will fail
But fear not: in the end, Good will always prevail
Sometimes we must fail, and our failings teach
Us to lean on Him and to learn how to reach up
We have been blessed with great love and passion
Help us channel this energy in a healthy fashion
If you feel pinned and you're up against the wall
Just summon up a hearty spiritual battle call
And cry out: "Who can be compared to our God?
For He is my vision to see through the glamour of sin's facade"
Dec 13, 2024
Dec 13, 2024 at 8:39 PM UTC
iNNER THOUGHTS BECOME INTENSE
aS THEY PICK APART IT'S OWN DEFENSE
mAKING DOOM PREDICTIONS AT IT'S OWN EXPENSE
fINDING A NEED TO RELIEVE SUSPENSE
hENCE THE ARRANGEMENT OF LETTERS INTO WORDS THAT MAKE SENSE
tHE TRANSLATION ITSELF IS A JUMBLED MESS
tHE CRANIUM FEELS FAR TOO DENSE
wHAT IS THIS NONSENSE?
lOVE AND HATE IN THE SAME CONTENTS
rUSH TO TAKE OFFENSE
cAN NEVER GET IT OUT BEFORE THE CRACK UP AND BREAKDOWN COMMENCE
©2024
Jul 18, 2024
Jul 18, 2024 at 8:11 PM UTC
Finite compassion
Finite love
Finite reason
Finite recognition from above
Finite beauty
Finite realism
Finite money
Finite working system
Finite education
Finite brain cells
Finite investigation
Into the finite comprehension skills
Finite common sense
Finite self preservation
Finite self defence
Finite coherent mission
Finite greatness
Finite days to live
Finite forgiveness
Finite directive
Finite relevance
Finite cooperation
Finite presence
Finite revelation
Finite patriotism
Finite rules
Finite fixing 'em
Finite scruples
Finite healing elixirs
Finite work on problems
Finite cure backers
Finite beneficial algorithms
Finite action
Finite lessons learned
Finite reaction
Finite your turn
Finite grandeur
Finite effective comedy
Finite healing laughter
The same can not be said about tragedy
Finite answers found
Finite coping skills
Finite middle ground
Finite deserved kills
It's obvious I could go on and on
But I just dawned on me that I've always had
Finite fuucks to give
©2024
May 12, 2024
May 12, 2024 at 12:40 PM UTC
Part I
There are parts of me I will not give you, Stranger;
But these parts are not many.
I have always been comfortable in vulnerability.
Or perhaps, I have weaponized it—
To destroy not kingdoms but boundaries:
Confuse the prey and ****** the predator,
until they are one and the same.
Part II
But if I expose my soft underbelly to anyone,
Can it still be considered vulnerability?
How must it feel to be scarred
Again and again
Battered and wounded—
Yet the flesh never hardens against incursion?
To have so much weakness so plainly to see
Easy to touch, even more to make bleed
Bear witness against the truth
Yet shatter all of the doubts—
What lies in the middle, then?
What will the law of averages reveal?
Is that soft underbelly truly so honest and real
Or is it another form of camouflage
Designed to mislead
As the fanfare protects the executioner?
Part III
The armor of insight is deception
Deception that strives to please
For distracting the audience is crucial
To being this kingdom to its knees
So in revealing the war strategy to her enemy
Can a commander be
Part IV
Just who is the enemy, and why does he lurk about?
Sep 6, 2023
Sep 6, 2023 at 2:14 PM UTC
hand cranked
re-imagined 35mm slides
Rough Trade posters
on the wall
Pepsi and premade sandwiches
on the counter
aperture: wide open
he sees her often at the multiplex
there she flirts
from the third row; second seat
sheer blouse
hands in elliptical motion
pointing toward
silk chiffon shells
the invite in a tilt of her mouth
lip; gloss
eyes hidden from the light
a prayer before intermission
celluloid reliquary
reveals God's plans
lest her trifling with him
cause a miss in changeover
enraging his self-regarded audience
the walk back to his car
one long montage of her lacing up
May 24, 2023
May 24, 2023 at 10:02 AM UTC
I thought I knew you but I guess I was wrong
And all the kind words you had were just lies all along
I burned the bridge because I got carried away
I wish you didn't exist in my mind that way
-AJT
Jul 22, 2022
Jul 22, 2022 at 8:02 AM UTC
When I am seen, I flinch within.
My self makes a choice
between fight or flight
and I'm no fighter
and flight is a risk
that I'm not in a fit state for taking
so I freeze in place,
hoping the sight of me
won't cause offence
or, worse still, curiosity
and, worse case, sympathy.
Just pass by me.
Nothing to see here.
Mar 9, 2022
Mar 9, 2022 at 5:26 AM UTC
And then he said,
in an almost whisper,
‘is this where you start to drift away?’
I could feel
the swelling of emotions
in my throat
and the heat of my tears forming
as I replied ‘no’.
My heart hurt because he knew me so well.
He knew I pushed away
when I was hurt by someone.
This man who knew my soul and loved it.
Knew.
He knew exactly what I would do.
And that is what I did.
This time
it was away
from him.
Dec 12, 2021
Dec 12, 2021 at 8:40 PM UTC
My feet were too big
so the glass slipper wouldn't fit
I hated housework
so no band of merry dwarves
I had frequent nightmares
so no peaceful sleep interrupted by a chaste kiss
I liked my hair short
so no prince tugging at my hair
Words, too often, hurt
and I am a bigger beast than any man I've met
No tiara for me
I will settle for a sword
No hero for me
I will be my own hero
No fairy dust for me
I will conjure up my own
Dec 28, 2020
Dec 28, 2020 at 4:35 AM UTC
I listened to an Eagle
speak through a body
that personified the land
he hunted over;
a body stressed, defensive—
fragile.
In his eyes I saw Reorder,
the burning furnaces
of Universal energy,
the power of stars,
and a coming heat.
Nov 11, 2020
Nov 11, 2020 at 9:46 AM UTC
Anxiety.
Shes taken so much from me.
I placed her on people
And situations.
But it was simply her and I,
Our voices shaking.
From the beginning,
I tried to escape her.
But she was so rooted
Inside of me.
My only release
Was to turn it all off
And trust the ground
In front of me.
Simple things,
Simple moments,
Became nightmares
And real fears
To look someone in the eyes
And try so hard to feel
absolutely
nothing
I could say it was the loss
I could say it was that night
But its not true
On the best day
With the best people
She tells me
I'll never be enough
And I can feel it,
I feel her right now.
Its the only way she let's herself out
I breathe
Steadily
Unsteady
My heart races
And slows
So that I start to feel sick
And you're looking at me
Wondering
What the hell im thinking
And I just want you to see
That I'm strong
But she's winning
As I sink
And I plan for her arrival
I look for the softest ground to land on
I try to inhale the fresh air
Until it fills my lungs
But the room starts to fade
And I know its her time
I count to 10
But usually don't make it to 5
And when I wake
To faces I've never known
They look away and laugh
And I just wish I was home.
I pick myself up,
Dust myself off
And fight the urge to explain myself
to the people that can't see her.
Oct 26, 2020
Oct 26, 2020 at 9:03 PM UTC
I hold her tightly
Her skin against mine
Soothing her pain
For I am to blame
for the scars inscribed
on those innocent thighs
And my words are the bullets
that tore right through her
It was my name
etched into the tears
I forbid she shed
And I who introduced
that strong body, to Abuse
But still I wrap her
in apologetic arms
Seeing the beauty and worth
she has always had
We join forces
stilling the battle of two
I am whole,
on my own
in my own
forgiving, loving embrace
Aug 22, 2020
Aug 22, 2020 at 1:17 PM UTC
Through the tunnel, distant voices.
Through the tunnel, I see them.
Through the tunnel, the shadows strafe.
Through the tunnel, raging noises.
Through this tunnel all danger is funneled... does this keeps me protected and safe?
The inner walls, are drab and dreary.
The inner walls, comprised of the past.
The inner walls, lined with scars and sores.
The inner walls, are tired, weary.
The tunnel is caving? Yes, from pain I was braving from words, actions, and more.
A foxhole, a foxhole, only as good as its structure.
A foxhole, a tunnel, only as good as its shelter.
A tunnel, a defense, only good when intact.
A defense, a defense, will fall when punctured.
This defense mechanism is a curse and will worsen the person it was meant to protect.
This defense, this defense, is a watery grave.
This defense, this foxhole, is filling up fast.
This foxhole, this trap, no longer has purpose.
This trap, this trap, was not meant to save.
Jun 28, 2020
Jun 28, 2020 at 2:17 PM UTC
You kept on pressing down
as if my heart couldn't break at all
As if the pressure you applied
would not take it's heavy toll
You kept on pressing down
as if my body could absorb
Every blow and every insult
rebounding off your inner wars
You kept on pressing down
not believing I'd react
But now it's me who's pressing down
and you who's on your back
May 2, 2020
May 2, 2020 at 2:35 AM UTC
It’s about your inflexion
and how you deal with rejection
how you go straight to deflection
cause you never learned about confession
only perfection by selection
since you refuse all objection
like you need to have protection
like you can’t allow inspection
Mar 7, 2020
Mar 7, 2020 at 5:00 PM UTC
You say I caused the end too
But I never remember choosing someone over you
Feb 18, 2020
Feb 18, 2020 at 6:00 PM UTC
It's been storming for a while
Can't you hear the window panes shaking
Can't you feel the house shivering
From the bitter wet cold...
I think something is leaking
My heart has a crack
Now it's dripping onto the floor
It's been storming for a while in there
I feel the thunder roar
The howling of the wind
I can feel my heart freezing
Then I feel that strike of lightning
One sharp crack
Breaking down the roof of my heart
Pouring rain
Pain...
Maybe that house needed to burn down
In the howling rain
I can build it up again
Better than before
A warm place inside
During any weather
Even the worst storm
Jan 16, 2020
Jan 16, 2020 at 4:13 PM UTC