#cptd
every year around my birthday,
i'm reminded how you'll never get another.
our enter/exit days now tethered.
and i'm still not at peace with this.
honestly? i might never be.
it shouldn't have happened, but it did.
we shouldn't have happened, but we did.
i have regrets, but not that. never that.
today we light candles in your honor,
crying over happy memories like a prayer.
i don't know what you'd think of my changes,
but i'd like to imagine pride on your face.
you knew me how i knew you--
crazy, wild, silly, considerate, noble, fun.
it's been a tough journey since our high school days
but i feel like i'm slowly getting back to that place. back to who i am;
somebody you'd recognize.
i still watch old cooking shows on tv;
every so often your dad appears and i get sad. sometimes he mentions you because you were still alive when it aired. but then i remember the food poisoning and laugh. and laugh and laugh and laugh. and smile.
i think about the pier and the boardwalk.
i think about the sun on our skin and the feelings in our hearts then.
salads have never tasted quite the same.
i think love was the special ingredient.
i'm so blessed to say we never truly had any bad times.
i kissed your spots and you kissed my scars.
we held hands at the beach despite my fears of the surf. you never minded.
we checked out the same cute girls and laughed about it because there wasn't a jealous bone in your body.
that was the first and last time i ever felt so seen and heard and safe with a man.
and you weren't even a man yet.
but you were a good one.
you're still in my phone contacts.
i still consider you my friend.
i don't know if you thought of me at all during your last years and months,
but i'll be thinking of you forevermore.
you're a hard one to forget.
Feb 13
Feb 13, 2026 at 3:16 PM UTC
Even if harm wasn’t deliberate, your nervous system still had to carry it.
And when it is? Oh, you’ll feel it.
You’ll feel it in your bones, your flesh, your entire being.
It might come in waves or flashes; strike out of nowhere.
It will knock you out without you seeing it coming.
It will take you down if you let it.
It’s sinking feelings and creeping inklings.
It’s physical ****** memories that eat at you in the back of your mind and the bottom of your stomach.
It’s discomfort in your own skin, for as long as it's still yours.
It’s knowing people by their footsteps and it’s saying what you need to just to get by unscathed.
It’s having to be your own guardian angel.
Feb 13
Feb 13, 2026 at 3:14 PM UTC