#childlikelyfragmented
i smell like diet pills i might've
gone to therapy and lie, she said
i was doing great. everyone says that
but my parents are me. i'd rather
chug mcdonald's cola and forget
the taste of ***** i miss
my parking lot. i miss
staining the car seat
my father says i am going bald
i say you haven't seen the most of it
let's see how this turns out
i dissociate my way
to the future. no one knows why
i'm crying. no one knows i'm crying
i can't stuff a vacuum
i can't let bleed a dried out
i can't breathe my mouth is bad
who knows there are things
worse than suicide -- i do
and i'm doing it
because no one is letting me die
everyone is so ******* selfish
why can't i be?
my life has gotten significantly worse
since eight years ago
the thoughts of killing myself
has always been my only solace
i'm so sorry that you don't matter
nothing you say or do
would ever soothe me
you can stop me
truth is, you're the one who stop me
over and over
again. what atrocity
to drag one no longer fit for living
hope isn't a morphine
it's just a playground
for adults who had unhappy
childhood
the world is spinning
footsteps
people keep breeding
making money, spending
getting a job, dressing up for the boss
trying not to get ***** get ***** anyway
losing weight, gaining a tenfold
changing mirrors
dropping out of school
never leaving home
trying to escape the hands
always got caught by the eye
the walls are covered with ears
there's nowhere to run to
i'll always be found out
as if i did a some kind of grave crime
Jan 12, 2019
Jan 12, 2019 at 3:37 PM UTC
how dare you not have mint chocolate chip available on my birthday, do you know how many years i and my mother
wait
to have the mint chocolate chip ice cream of our life? answer me, baskin robbins
although i know her eating such sweet flavor is only a figment
i can't wish on my birthday candle
the only birthday candle i got
was from a sushi joint
mother, i didn't get a single present
not even now, not even tomorrow
i'm going to
the future with my boyfriend
he's called dean, also god, also gpa
all i want is to die
my boyfriend's real name is diploma
i wonder
if i'd ever want to date a boy
all i want is to die
answer me, baskin robbins
do you also want me to die? you've known me
for all my life
i don't remember
i don't remember
the joy of being born
mother, did i laugh when i escaped your womb? did i even smile?
you must've been aware of that
right
i want to go to a baskin robbins outlet where they have mint chocolate chip
Sep 13, 2017
Sep 13, 2017 at 5:56 PM UTC
xix. but if i were to die by my own hands (my honest dying note would probably mention my uni life) would he turn a blind eye like he always does or would he erase me as if i was never there? i'll never know because i wont die just because i want to. i'll never know, of course, because i'll live and graduate and i'll be the one who forgets him, not vice versa
the only reason im here is to run away & i failed, so i keep seeking for ways to flee, i keep fighting my own shadow. why would anyone study their soul out just to get into the so called best uni in the country that is far away from their home, i wonder as well. my intention was not to study, i wanted to die. im breathing fine. sometimes i get too excited it's so uncomfortable & when i fall it's a dry and dusty abandoned well, you know that my vision stays in the ground. doesnt the soil look lovely, i wonder as well.
the only reason im here is because i am alive, i dont know why it is so obvious to other people yet it's an epiphany to me. i shouldnt be alive today. i shouldnt have survived 2014, let alone 2015 & 2016. it's almost may and now i start to think how nice it will be to be old and have more space for peace rather than keeping chaos as a pet.
this is embarrassing, sure, but sometimes i think i need to feel embarrassed. do you get what i mean, because i kinda dont. anyway, if this is something i can be proud of, i'll without any doubt brag to my parents and post it all over my social media. ive never liked bragging online, but if it's so good i'll think so hard of why not and still not get any good answer. it's a curse for vain people to get trapped inside a body with low self esteem. (fact)
maybe i made a mistake when i entered this uni. all i could think of was death, i didn't think i would be alive until halfway to graduation. now i dont worry about when i'll be able to die anymore, i just worry about when i'll be able to properly study just like the student i used to be. i just worry if i can graduate on time, i just worry if i can graduate with honor. how naive this kid is, i hope she remembers how she totally ruined her grades last semester. (no i dont mean thats the right pronoun i just go with the flow)
there is no flow, of course. why am i saying these things on a poetry website rather than on my rant blog, i wonder as well. i worry about the future & now all the pictures have me in them. i have many regrets about the past but they are a part of what makes me myself. (certainly not a claim that i have a clear sense of self) as for the present, i dont really like being here. i still feel like it will feel so great to not exist at all. but im breathing in anticipation. is it believable, my looking forward to the future, i wonder as well.
Apr 22, 2017
Apr 22, 2017 at 11:13 AM UTC
xviii. i grow like a pimple
only that i stay
permanent stain, perhaps
concealer
Dec 13, 2016
Dec 13, 2016 at 2:19 AM UTC
xvii.
my dear neurosurgeon
failed to find my eyes,
he only looked
at my mouth, my
left jaw,
whine a little,
and gave me analgesic - i f
orgot what's the na
me - that replaced my f
ace with the mo
on. it's moon face. still
present until this very moment
just because my body wants to
remember. i
maintain my diet like there's
no tomorrow but actually there is &
boy did it
grace my stomach with a
crying gift, an angel's tears,
an angel lives near the volcano
everything turns sour.
i wasn't hurting at that time.
now i am. turning not only
my face to the moon, my whole body
is the moon, even my
fingers are the moon
but they are the crater part so
when i touch a boy he
disappears - when i
touch a girl i disappear.
i've never wanted to be a boy,
only some nights
i am so fragile i become masculine.
it's not that i've never felt
feminine, i do, every time
i am catcalled i do, every
time my father kisses me like a jewel
i do, every time my brother
treats me like a marionette
i do, every time i'm seen as angry i swear i do.
my mother is angry all the time but
that doesn't do anything about
her womanhood - her husband
still sees her as a good, and yes, the eyes
of a man
are like the sun, nothing at all
like mine.
my eyes are the only part of me
that is not the moon, that is pluto.
i've been to so many doctors
i am very sure it's not
the minds nor the medicines.
it's funny
that
my dear neurosurgeon
didn't even graze my skin -
the only time a knife
tore my epidermis open
it was a slim box cutter.
i've been to so many doctors,
i am very sure.
Jul 16, 2016
Jul 16, 2016 at 6:09 AM UTC
** xvi. where do you go when your house isn't home?
i ******* crawl out of my body, swim infinite miles of the ocean, stretch my neck to the skies, replace my head with the moon. i ******* yearn for your presence, try to break the mirror with my weak stare, can't go further, fitting room doesn't fit whatsoever, all the buttons escape from my ***** and hair falls like tiny dandelions in a rainstorm.
i grow potatoes in my mouth, when i speak i smell of my root, when i am on my period i talk about stomachache at dinner table, when i search for space my tummy is the balloons at pingkan's 8th birthday party which i couldn't bring home. blow the candles i forgot to make a wish for a moment the fate seems seamless, bright red lipstick, brown mascara, outfits i can't ever wear to school, or to be honest, not anywhere because when i try to walk, every step is a ******* hysterical cry, when i use my toes every cell in my body violently shakes.
my house isn't home. my house isn't home. my house isn't home. my house isn't home. my house isn't home how do you know that? how did you barge into my clichés? how dare you claim something that even i won't bring myself to think about?
i ******* crawl out of my body, not as soon as possible, i do it right now, right ******* now so i know the years i've spent trying to nourish the flesh i don't really own are worthless, the years i've devoted myself to my worldly lover are the ones that have been consuming my tiny soul, if you ask me now of course no one is satisfied, no one is satisfied until i don't want to call you mine anymore.
i ******* crawl out of my body.
in a desperate attempt to make the hideous pleasing to watch, i sell blindfolds on the street, i light the matches in the rain, i dream of dead grandmother and christmas feast. i turn into a cold statue, i left the tenderness for stupid microorganisms, my divorced bones blame me for everything i did not do. i used to do the right things now i just do nothing, it's ******* useless anyway, i can blink five thousand times and still believe that time is what the clocks and calendars say. (my grandmother was a buddhist.)
i ******* crawl out of my body. i don't want to experience this anymore, i am not into this kind of thing, i long for your presence, all i've got from this building is an infinite count of absences. my body is a building, it has no level, no room, no door, no window, no furniture. my body a giant concrete boring box, i do not even live there anymore, nobody lives there anymore, they are all gone to a poppy field in the middle of nowhere (actually somewhere, only that i am not invited). i ******* crawl out of my body, did that answer your question?
i ******* crawl. out. of. it.
Jun 22, 2016
Jun 22, 2016 at 8:39 AM UTC
xv.
###
how do i survive
with metal hangs in my jaw
and plastic melts in my eyes,
both are lacking
what a body is supposed to have:
balance,
balance,
balance?
and with balance they never mean
everything goes the same way
in the same day,
the same pace,
the same face,
the same chemical formula to and fro
all over the place from tip to toe.
balance is never anything they mean.
it is never the thing it is supposed to mean.
it is not the seventh cranial nerve,
nor the sick tongue nor the dotted gum.
not a moon instead of a head,
nor the medicines,
nor the warm water,
nor the faces they make to know how it feels like,
(spoiler: they still don't know, they can't ever possibly
with heart as hard, no desire to learn,
no passionate dreams mentioning equity,
not once does it cry about what intersects with the music
they play so skillfully)
###
it is not the misplaced lips,
not the nonfunctioning left side,
not the one smaller eye nor the other bigger eye.
you cannot tell what i was born with.
you keep guessing wrong
that i was born with angry hands
desperately trying to hide the void where
every sincere smile is overthrown
and each tooth has their own problem for me to solve.
all the days you are a persona and i am the property:
i have been busy preserving what's inside,
carefully guiding my cells in place,
while you cheerfully break it
little
by
little
because of what appears from the outside:
even from the inside i can tell
i am ****** up so very horribly,
and with that alone, every adolescent can
pull a great show
of thousand jokes.
Feb 24, 2016
Feb 24, 2016 at 7:31 AM UTC
xiv.
The heat is
heavy and a
gold,
though different from wha
t
I learned in high sch
ool.
I stopped sleeping
with the lights
on. I stopped wa
king up to a smooth,
even sleepiness. I
stopped admiring sunrises.
In high school
there were girls and only girls.
An all girls school
wasn't that much
extraordinary. A
lot of
people don't un
de
rstand, bo
ys were not practical un
til
you want u
s pregnant.
I wish we started being extinct,
right here and
now. I wish we
started earlier. I
wish
we
'd start at all.
Back then
I drew a lot.
I wrote some
things I can't
write anymore, nev
er ever
ever
ever
ever
ever
ever
Jan 7, 2016
Jan 7, 2016 at 3:27 AM UTC
xiii.
Kisses, tongue and hickeys
Growing ******* pure as a saint
Curious skin, curious chirps
Sins bright as a sun
Secrets in the nights, regrets in the thighs
Can we unlearn something once it has been done?
Lips barren and unmoved
For wisdom is more valuable than rubies
Cheeks pale as a paper
Written down, your name
Oct 12, 2015
Oct 12, 2015 at 2:00 PM UTC
xii.
big hips; small hips and long, skinny legs
people and the worlds inside them
pointing at the screen
which movie should we watch?
the last time i watched movie alone
was divergent
it was an insane ride
and my parents picked me up
knowing i had lost a thing
but they didn't ask
and i didn't tell
i was ***** by poetry
-- i am holy
just like lilith, eve, and mary --
watch out i am trying to heal
so what if i am romanticizing
illness! i am not ill
enough
to lose
my eyes see clear
anabelle, tickets sold out
the people; in hijab, in short skirt
in high heels and slippers
their faces
i see them clear
it looks the same like that friday
just feels different
it has been months
a relatively insane ride
so cathartic
my land may well be a big cathedral
or some sweet mosque
with all the gods
praying to each other
with cold soup in their tongue
and stale milk they offer
to the homeless like us, you know
home isn't really the walls and roof
that keep you from rain and sundust
home is the rain and dust and your sunburned hands and the acnes on your face and
the wounds on your knees
you got when you were learning
to bike
Oct 9, 2014
Oct 9, 2014 at 10:39 AM UTC
viii.
I first really learned that
Promises are meant to be broken
When I was fifteen.
Maybe that's too late.
Maybe that's too lame.
It was a doctor,
Or not anymore. I think he was one of
Those malpractioners,
I think he told us
He used this supernatural blah blah.
I don't know how
He did get to our house,
Sitting so comfortably
And drinking the offered tea.
Actually I don't remember what
He was drinking.
I just remember that he
Looked like typical
Male dentist here. With short hair
And white glasses and tight clothes.
Oh I think I just made it
Up. Memories are not
For the bad. Though
His eyes were not
Lovely at all. They were
Intimidating. They did not
Shine at all. Those eyes stared
At mine. I think his voice
Sounded like a drunk's. The
Question he asked, just answer
Honestly, don't be afraid, he said
He would not tell my dad.
Doubt was out. I could not
Lie. I learned that one later.
So soon, soon after.
I was fifteen. Not that young
To be able to sense
Danger. I am not
Exaggerating. My mind was
A treasure and still is.
Not that you'd be rich
With it. But I really don't have
Anything
Else.
I think the questions he asked
Were simple. But there was this
One **** he said
I did not need to worry about;
That I could trust him
That he would not tell
Anyone. You know,
Adults were not scary.
They are.
I know this might not
Be the question that
Makes you hesitate in
Front of the person you trust.
But my mind was a treasure
And still is. I don't
Have anything
Else.
*"If you feel troubled, whom
Would you tell about that?"*
The answer was actually
I would not tell at all. But
My treasure
Could not be discovered.
I could not lie but I had to.
I stayed silent
For a moment. He kept
Saying I could trust him.
So I did.
My brother, I answered.
That was the truest
I could say. And it was
True. I did tell
My brother this and that,
Though my treasure
Was always safely kept.
I think. I think then
They discovered that I had
That but apparently they were
Not interested in my
Treasure-play. I doubt
They even understand
At all.
He said to dad
That dad needed to
Deepen the parent-child bond.
He said to dad
That I should not
Trust my brother more.
He said to dad
That there must be
Something wrong
With me
And this family.
He said to dad
All the things
He'd said to me
He would not.
I don't understand
How my dad could still
Wish me to be a doctor
After that.
Aug 1, 2014
Aug 1, 2014 at 11:53 PM UTC
vii.
I was 10 when I thought
seven years from then I would marry
a super blinding-kind-of-rich 82
year old
dying
man.
It was a normal thought.
He would be sitting
on a park bench.
It would be
a calm afternoon.
I would sit
beside him and we would
share a heaven-like
smile. We
would talk
about warmth
and love
and life
and death
and hope and I
would remind him
of the sweet old days
when his deceased wife
was still
together
with him.
He would love me
like crazy but I
would never
do. I would just
pretend and
gain his family's
trust and wait
for him
to die.
I would be filthy rich
at such a young
age.
And, once again, it was a normal thought.
I swear it was a normal thought.
What's funny
is
today is the
day
said and I
can't
even
talk
to
people.
Jul 30, 2014
Jul 30, 2014 at 12:11 PM UTC
vi.
just how much love
which existence
should i lie about?
Jul 29, 2014
Jul 29, 2014 at 2:05 PM UTC
v.
the teenage girl
overcoming fears
rising
head first
nonexistent rock bottom
mistakenly thought as sky ---
for her
only gravity
is suitable
Jul 28, 2014
Jul 28, 2014 at 4:19 PM UTC
ii.
I have heard Sia's voice
First was on Titanium's music video
Which I clicked out of bore
Second was-- There was no second time
(Maybe there will be)
I cannot remember how Sia sings
All I want is to hear
Holly covering songs
(Somehow Holly reminds me of Zac)
Holly's voice is not the kind of sound
You would fall for in a second
It is true love you will feel --
How John said it is just perfect;
Like falling asleep
Slowly, slowly, then all at once
(I don't know how many times
This has been mentioned on hellopoetry)
I didn't really read romance
But M said (not to me),
If you want to write romance,
Write it like John did TFIOS
(Not that I want to write romance
Or write anything worth reading)
And this would appear as boring
And random, but no:
I remember, M said that
Usually the sentence that begins with
'Honestly'
Doesn't really contain that much honesty
So
Honestly,
Those above (and below) aren't really the things
I wanted to talk about
(It's confusing, if you think about it more)
I don't know anymore
How many times this Sia's Chandelier
(Holly's cover, of course)
Has been repeated
(Over and over again)
I remember, my favorite before this was
Marina and the Diamonds' Teen Idle
I remember Holly cut some part of the lyrics
It reminded me of Zac
Or was it Gwen?
I really like mixing up things-
Really
I like being here
The locked door of the bathroom
Makes me feel safe
And the toilet seat
Has known me
Better than myself
It is like a mother, or an other self
Who just accepts me for who I am
It knows the most of me
How I move, cry, and smile and laugh
How I sing, how I scream
Even how I grow, how I fall and die
How I tried to ********** and gave it up
How I became me, how I am me
And not only hows but also the tiring whys
It knows
It accepts
But I will leave
Soon
And this bed and this messy room
And the hidings and the accidental leakings
And the family's warmth and their love
I will leave
Soon
Sorry not sorry
That I am happy
To leave
Soon
iii.
There is no place to hide
So **** false identity
I will soon be forgotten
So **** shame, **** filter
They say people are people
Because of their secrets
Because they are mysteries --
It's my wish to be nothing
I want to let go
I want to let go
It's hard to be a human
I am too complex to be none
I once thought
I wanted to be an amoeba
And I think I still want it
It is a lot better than to have these organs
Especially this brain
I don't like this brain
It manipulates me
It controls me
It thinks for me and without it I am stupid
When would I be free?
I want the freedom to think
Brain, don't control me
Let go of me
Let go of me
All I want is honesty
I want truth
Live in truth, breathe in truth
Know only how to
Say only the truth
**** fears
I am afraid
To be nothing
To tell anything
To know anything
When I made this account
I forgot to rehumanize
People other than me
(Not that I did rehumanize myself)
I didn't expect you all
To be so human
**** fears
I am afraid
Jul 27, 2014
Jul 27, 2014 at 8:41 AM UTC
(i.)
the frail kid
singing sand
brand new friend
leaving already
developing meaning
the word lonely
a killer pool
tattoed arm
naked as ***** baby
insecurity never felt
that pure
fishes and sisters
the kindergarten
now collapsed playground
right milktip, left milktip
how could you miss
the ones you do
not even
remember?
the hell keeps
leveling up
Jul 24, 2014
Jul 24, 2014 at 3:56 AM UTC