#catholicguilt
up until you are four feet tall
you think you're gonna be the next ****** mary;
every day you comb your hair with soap-dry fingers
and dress up like the sky.
you practice raising your hand and using it
to press the cumulonimbus waiting between your lips
gently down your throat;
you practice being clear;
you practice cursive till it's circuitry
at lunch, you fold airplanes with precision,
cover them in crayon script and
throw them toward the floaters
in your vision, past birches
and the pale afternoon moon.
your worst will dive to a floor stained with pizza grease;
your best will only sit indefinitely
on the reachless windowsill
of the school cafeteria
you and your best friend
practice getting married at recess,
gathering dandelions and buttercups into sloppy bouquets
till she gets stung by a bee
and is led inside through gray hallways.
you play statue on the grass in a dark green jumper
and look for white clovers while you wait for the bell
your third grade teacher has you
dressing 'venial sin' and 'mortal sin'
in lemon-scented ink that burns your lips
but not the page;
it makes you taste petrichor
writhing in your teeth, hear downpours
against the wild soil of your esophagus and cheeks,
and in a few years you'll try to bury your guilt
with acorns deep in that sandy ground
you're used to laying upside-down on your bed
wondering if jesus ever lied to mary and joseph
about climbing trees under bethlehem's star,
if he let their branches color
his books green, his hands purple.
you wonder if it's sinful
to scar notebooks how you do, how he did:
quiet, inhaling--
--
at five and a half feet tall, you still feel
like how jesus' notebooks probably weren't:
you allow the dots on your i's to dangle too far to the left,
your clothes and hair and sky to be scorched
by prism fragments and setting suns
and, sometimes, you let the clouds between your lips talk for you,
and, sometimes, every syllable is a promise from god after the flood
but sometimes you kneel in back pews
and recite a tenth hail mary
and think about whether she ever held a hand
that was stained yellow from the petals of palm-warmed flowers:
and sometimes you're blank again
Sep 22, 2024
Sep 22, 2024 at 2:20 PM UTC
forgive me, mother
for i have sinned
i let the boy you warned me about in
not just into my body
but into my thoughts
my breath
my dreams
i let him press his mouth against my skin
i told myself it was love
that maybe if i stayed quiet enough
still enough
holy enough
God wouldn't see.
but i felt Him watching.
and i felt my dignity dying
the weight of every lesson you've ever taught me
raining down onto me in an instant
be pure for your husband.
be good.
be better than your temptations
i tried, mother.
God, i tried.
but he held me in his arms like
i was a sacred artifact
and i wanted to so badly believe i was
even if just for a moment
even if it was all a lie
afterwards, i wiped the lipstick from my mouth
as if it could undo the way i melted when he crooned my name
i lit a candle.
i knelt on my knees until they ached
i whispered apologies to God
in a dark room, wearing clothes that smelt like him
i haven't looked you in the eye since, mother
i'm not even sure if it's shame
or the fear that you'll see the truth
written on my skin like scripture:
that i wanted to be touched
that i wanted to be chosen
even if it meant i'd be ruined.
so forgive me, mother
not because i deserve it
but because i now understand
i'll never be whole again
because i feel him in the places
where a rosary should rest
because i know now what i'd done
and i hold it as i hold a hymnal in church.
because of the words stuck inside my throat.
forgive me, mother
i let him in, i let him in.
Jun 8, 2025
Jun 8, 2025 at 10:54 PM UTC