#borderline
Beyond my disordered mind,
the inner child cries terrified.
See past the splitting
all good all bad.
Please, do not see me as only that.
Look past my anger that stems from, fear.
Look past my violent words,
my dear.
Look past what outside looks so crazy.
My need for reassurance,
that you don't hate me.
Look past my constant ups and downs,
look past them please,
and show me how.
Look past the borderline personality.
Look past it all,
but not past me.
See me not for what I have,
Please see me instead,
for
who.
I.
Am.
May 14
May 14, 2026 at 1:40 PM UTC
Am I to be touched but never caressed?
Am I to be kept close but never let in?
Am I to be a burden to all and solution to none?
Am I doomed? Cursed?
An empty wound?
I hold this pain in my hands
When I try to release, it burrows deeper
I fear my future
I fear the loss I will face
Inevitably, my love will be lost within the muck
I just wish to rest my head
Nestled between the wings of my nonexistent mother
I crave a past that has never graced me
Am I to be lost to time?
Am I to be found alone?
Am I to remain terrified of life itself?
Am I?
Apr 26
Apr 26, 2026 at 10:22 PM UTC
"so what's it like?" they asked
and i stared, eyes blank
trying to figure out how to word
what it feels like to want to die
every 30 minutes.
i sit there trying to figure out
how to explain the raging,
encasing,
drowning feelings,
trying to explain
how even happiness can be so painful
"terminal,"
i finally say after a long moment of silence,
"the doctors expect me to die in 8 years."
the silence that follows is deafening,
shock evident on my friends face,
and i shrug.
i do not care.
i have accepted my fate.
Apr 24
Apr 24, 2026 at 8:54 AM UTC
I often sit in the pouring rain
I seldom feel free from pain.
Emotions crashing tsunami now
cascade upon me then I drown.
Emotional state in disarray
I have felt happy, but it rarely stayed.
Fleeting only just for a moment
the next thing I know, again I'm broken.
Oh what I would give for some reprieve.
I'd give anything to not be me.
Can't I just be someone else?
I just cant get along with myself.
If I could change though,
to someone new
I wonder, would that girl hate herself too?
Maybe my soul is the thing thats bad
maybe its not my mind going mad.
But if it truly is my soul corrupt
then I have no choice, but simply to give up.
Mar 10
Mar 10, 2026 at 3:05 AM UTC
Drifting farther from the shallows,
surrounded by waters that taste of salt,
convinced that every fracture was entirely my fault.
I wear my shame like iron,
a heavy, rusted chain,
apologizing to you for bleeding in the rain.
Shattered glass—something broken,
too ruined to be mended,
thinking my love wasn’t enough
and my capacity had ended.
With the shift, my pain curdles,
and the salt then turns to fire.
I saw you as the architect,
the cold and heartless liar.
How dare you leave me standing here,
a ruin in your wake.
How much did you expect
a human heart was meant to take?
I curse the day I met you,
a target for my blame.
I’d burn every memory
till nothing left remained.
Foolishly convincing myself I could forget
how your skin tastes,
only to end up haunted by your ghost
in every stranger’s face.
Yet even as the lightning strikes,
the storm begins to blur,
and I find the precious memories
begin to reoccur.
Anger slips like water
through the fingers of my fist,
and I’m reaching for the very thing
I swore would not be missed.
Plagued by all the things
I feel so passionately—
guilt from all the chaos,
highs and lows I keep repeating,
and dragging you along
to share the burdens that this curse brings.
I realize that many times
the battles were not worth it.
I’ve made mistakes
and punished you at times
you didn’t deserve it,
expecting that my hurtful words
be excused, and then rewarded.
Forget the rage,
the bitter words,
the storms we put ourselves through,
all the damage from the
“I hate yous” and “I love yous.”
I’d do anything to show you
that my heart beats only for you.
My problem is I’m cursed to run,
but my compass only points toward you.
Feb 8
Feb 8, 2026 at 11:51 PM UTC
a simply regrettable sin.
since i was a kid,
it never changed, i mean: i still own all my thoughts.
however, i imagine things i used to think i would never.
i swear it’s the same, yet it’s all so different and far from me.
Aug 23, 2025
Aug 23, 2025 at 6:27 PM UTC
I know that I'm not well
I just hope that they can't tell
Even if they did
I might just tell them that I fell
We'll both put on a show
I'll pretend that I'm okay
And you'll pretend
That you really want to know
Dec 1, 2025
Dec 1, 2025 at 3:22 PM UTC
How odd,
I never want to die
when I think I actually might
only when I
think I might survive
Dec 1, 2025
Dec 1, 2025 at 2:12 AM UTC
I will take this moment
Clutch it between my teeth
Bite down into its seams
And even though
The burn is bittersweet
Nothing else
Will ever matter more to me
Than loving this moment,
This life,
As violently as I need
Sep 12, 2025
Sep 12, 2025 at 9:16 AM UTC
Led by only moonlight.
I wander till im lost.
I find myself in a forest
untouched by all but frost.
Its quieter than death itself
I'm afraid to even breathe.
I can feel the eyes upon my back.
I try, but fail to scream.
So lost now, what do I do?
I dont know my
Left
from
Right.
The darkness seems to compress
I search for a source of light.
I look for any kindness within,
the demons surrounding me.
****** vile, hate and rage
are all that I can see.
As I sit down
and hug my knees.
I pray " please someone find me"
Jun 26, 2025
Jun 26, 2025 at 6:51 PM UTC
the isle is surrounded,
one if by day, and
too by night,
a thickening paste
of fog, condensed humidity,
and the mind smiles that
interloper explorers would sail
past by us, unawares,
for the waters are merely a
dirtier shade of green grey,
a "path" to follow and we
would be spared the noisy
pollution of politics and
and injections of identity
that divide, the tirades of
the overly righteous chest
beaters, who never question
their certainty, their compasses
always broken pointing their
"only one way"
sail on, sail past. this piece of
quiet tranquility, a place that
has just one of everything, a
sufficiency, a rejection of excess,
and the only melancholy is
the finality of passing of
the day lillies,
b u t,
the multi-colored irises, the
flowering of azaleas, rhododendrons, and the brevity
of the cheery cherry blossoms
of those;
secure, safe we are, assured that
their peaceful return is guaranteed
by the firmament and its secrets,
that, along with the overwhelming
greenery of this spot, for the
pleasuring enjoyment of all,
even the fog's quietude,
its surround sounds silences the anxious rapid heart beating,
slowed by one thought only:
Here,
herein is,
here within
lies the truths of
shelter
S. I. 2025
Jun 17, 2025
Jun 17, 2025 at 10:51 AM UTC
Internal journalist
Pitiful moralist
Brave declarations
Cleverly made
My words are a weapon
An army attacking
Myself - but my friendships
Are casualties laid
May 31, 2025
May 31, 2025 at 10:42 AM UTC
I love
I hate
I yearn
I ache
The pain
The chase
Eyes and ears and taste
The hands
That shake
Making love to my mistakes
Regret
Remorse
Embracing my own corpse
Change
Sorrow
Waiting for tomorrow
Paranoia
Trust
Drenched in pixie dust
Manic
Placid
The future's dipped in acid
Hope
Unrest
Bricks inside my chest
Friction
Freedom
Lies that I believe in
Tears
Laughter
Curate my own disaster
Chalk
Frost
Skin made up of moss
Tide
Concrete
Death before retreat
Time
Space
Stuffed inside a case
Fraud
Truth
The difference between the two
"I'm fine"
It's true
And if you actually knew
What could you even do?
May 26, 2025
May 26, 2025 at 4:41 AM UTC
existing only in the memory, in the mirror
sublime image, a dotted line
wanting, crashing, writhing fatally
imaginary conversations, air drawings
no friend to call mine, intimacy denied
crunchy brain turning to foam
classes blurring, ears ringing
banging the floor till wrists are bruised
profanity, cruelty, pretty girls hating
feeling unwanted by boys (and the girls)
invisible or dissolved?
dishonoured, disgruntled, disillusioned, disenchanted
how right I was all alone
my subconscious mind sending tremors
disconnection with my own spirit
"I am" I constantly whisper to myself
in the little gaps of time I'm not dissociated
fully aware of my material,
not a vaporised form
that I assumed from the treatment of others
vapours solidify, vaporise, dissolve and vanish
Mar 30, 2025
Mar 30, 2025 at 2:30 PM UTC
Borderline Personality Disorder...
It's this thing that lurks in the shadows, a feeling that doesn't quite always manifest the same way.
BPD...the silent killer.....or maybe that's what all diseases are. I'm not so sure.
What I do know is that I never expected to make it past 18 much less to 23. What I do know is that BPD has a mortality rate of 8-10%. What I do know is that I'm scared.
Scared that one day the hidden thoughts of my mind, those things we like to keep in a box, will soon find their way to the frontal lobe of my brain and send my consciousness soaring.
Scared that one day I'll finally get tired. Then, I'll get tired of feeling tired and then I won't be tired at all anymore.
Scared of my ability to hurt others even more than I hurt myself.
What I find to be the sick irony of the whole situation is that BPD manifests solely from immense abuse. You cannot be born with it, the mannerisms are all learned. Therefore, I am now forced to bargain my existence, tiptoeing through memories that should be long forgotten.
Trying to remember what my childhood was like while overcooking my breakfast.
Trying to shower but my brain continues to replay that time she raised her hands to me.
Trying to sleep....but my brain doesn't allow that comfort much anymore because those thoughts find their way into my dreams.
When we struggle, they like to remind us that "we are not alone". Yet when I dream at night, I am the one to close my eyes. When I walk into a restaurant, I am the one that can't sit with my back to the door anymore.
I want to give a special shoutout to everyone who played a role in me obtaining this diagnosis. If it weren't for your years of abuse, I wouldn't be living through the single most wonderful years of my life.
Without you, I'd be free and freedom from ourselves is much easier said than done.
Mar 16, 2025
Mar 16, 2025 at 9:09 PM UTC
can't wake up,
it´s not a dream,
trying to escape it,
with no way out,
just dissociating,
disconnecting from the world,
the feelings,
the thoughts,
from everything,
entering the void,
a simple retreat,
only I am there,
a time out
May 20, 2025
May 20, 2025 at 11:10 AM UTC
Your life is an interrupted story,
No more than short-term blaze of glory.
It’s a metaphor that hits heavily,
‘Cause you’re your perfect mortal enemy.
Tunnel vision hides altered reality,
Your mind took up self-destructive morality,
Each feeling you’ve got is as deep as the ocean,
You lie to yourself that it cannot be poison.
When stars explode, the light is healing,
As it’s all dark you crush the ceiling.
You feel chills going down the spine,
You’re burning out, lost track of time.
And there’s no scream, it’s a silent battle.
It is vain to fix something that’s fatal.
You’ll never know why dead divine
Still haunts you and whispers: «You are borderline»
Apr 14, 2025
Apr 14, 2025 at 3:00 PM UTC
I have this part of me,
A glaringly large part of me,
That I must hide from the world.
Symptoms, thoughts, feelings, and emotions
that I have to cram into a little lunchbox.
By the end of the day this little box weighs
a hundred pounds,
And I alone unpack it's contents
every night.
It's exhausting.
And I'm tired.
Feb 15, 2025
Feb 15, 2025 at 3:34 PM UTC
the bus is coming
and it’s raining outside.
i’m cold,
and my shaking fingers are
shooting missiles toward you from
fifteen miles away.
texting is the worst form of communication.
the bus is coming
and it’s raining outside.
can’t you ever answer the
******* phone when i call you?
do you even love me? do you
care that i’m in pain?
do you care that i’m waiting here,
alone, cold,
while you have your car and
some other ***** snuggled up under your arm?
the bus is coming
and it’s raining outside.
what am i supposed to do,
leave you when you say you don’t care about me?
others have told me that i’m resilient
and i don’t want to make liars out of my friends.
i can take this. i can take this.
i’m not afraid of pain.
keep hurting me. tell me to **** myself
and i’ll kiss your calloused fingers
and worship you like nothing else.
i am on my knees
and the lentils you had me kneel on
are beginning to cut through my skin.
baby? do we still call each other,
baby?
the bus is coming
and it’s raining outside.
do you remember that morning
when you called me a fat ******* *****
because i spilled coffee all over the kitchen floor?
do you? because i do.
and i would crawl through the coffee and the
scattered glass like a dead man does through hell,
trying to get to something better
but knowing they never will.
the bus is coming
and it’s raining outside.
i am not crazy.
well, i am crazy.
but i’m not crazy here.
here, i need you to hear me.
don’t just say you do-
actually do it.
pull my heart out and look how it
pulsates with love.
every beat was made for you
and you just won’t look.
you won’t listen.
the bus is coming
and it’s raining outside.
i have put my hands
through blazing fire to
soothe your enormous ego
and you can’t pick me up
from the ******* bus stop.
**** what’s a girl got to do
to find a man that will
lick her wounds and devour
her fears? am i not worthy of love?
should i just **** myself?
the bus is coming
and it’s raining outside.
i’m a mistake. i am unlovable.
i am a ruined being left alone by God to
suffer in this hell we call life.
everything he says about me is right.
i’m difficult. i cry too much. i’m too depressed.
i’m crazy. i’m crazy. i’m crazy.
the bus is coming
and it’s raining outside.
what was i thinking?
i don’t need a man. i don’t need anyone!
i am more godly than anything up in the sky
or beneath the earth!
i am the vacuum of space
and i’ll suffocate those who think
i’m anything less than perfect.
why won’t he pick up
the ******* phone?
the bus is coming
and it’s raining outside.
i check my phone.
it’s 7:11pm.
the bus isn’t coming.
i don’t think it ever was.
Oct 27, 2024
Oct 27, 2024 at 8:33 PM UTC
When I stand at the ocean shore
I can look far in the endless horizon
It's the mirror of the emptiness inside
Storms come up and Followed by sunshine
That reflects my mood swings inside
It changes faster than day turns to night
The Ocean shore marks my emotional borderline
If I step over, I could drown
But if I stay, the path will be dark
The waves mark my friendships
Try to hold on to them, but in the end they break
But some are not like waves, they are who will stay
I take a photo of this view in black and white
Do I like the endlessness or the ocean shore
I can't like both, so I have to decide
I build a few lines with Stones
The Wind and time tries to destroy the lines
But they will stay, like my scars
Aug 18, 2024
Aug 18, 2024 at 7:23 PM UTC
How do I explain
That my emotions are painful
That happiness is euphoria
That anger is blinded rage
That love borders obsession
How do I explain
That my emotions are my enemy
That sadness is suicidal thoughts
That pain is an agonizing fire that consumes me
That emotions are a hurricane
That merged with a tornado and tore away at my body from the inside out
And eventually, reach the people around me
How do I explain
That my actions aren’t always under my control
That is the only thing I can feel
Without wanting to break
Is the pain of my own doing
How do I explain
That everyone leaves when I break
Because if you’re in my vicinity
And don’t head my warnings to leave me alone
I lash out with hurtful words and actions
That’ll hurt and break you down
Only for me to regret them soon after
And take it all out on myself
How do I explain
That being alone when I don’t want to be
Turns into an intense battle
A vicious war with myself
To not break and lash out at the ones I love
And to instead remember to stop and breathe
To process reality rationally
How do I explain
That I can’t do things like everyone else
That the simplest task
Become a life or death situation
That it makes me want to scream
How do I explain
That my mind is broken
And I hope you don’t leave
Because the monsters in me are terrible
And I’m still learning to control them
How do I explain
That I fear the love I’m shown
Even though I crave it
That part of me trusts the people close to me
And another part can’t believe a word they tell me
Tell me how do I explain
The mind that is ruled by different personalities
That all feel the pain of a single disorder
That’s so stigmatized by the world
How do I explain
Borderline Personality Disorder
Apr 1, 2024
Apr 1, 2024 at 11:14 PM UTC
Breeze bellows,
leaves echo in
quivering psithurism,
dithering like
unbroken smoke,
this approaching omen goads.
Dozing crows
slumbering in rows,
droves of locusts'
silenced drone,
almost comatose in repose;
nighttime overtones
choir of toads'
raspy croaks
answered by alto
of crickets' orchestral strokes.
Gust encroaches;
robed boughs
cloven open,
bring into
scope and focus
me juxtaposed,
suspended apropos.
Although motionless
and petrified in stone,
provoked by zephyr
coaxing to and fro;
swaying pendulous
and no longer frozen,
locus gently thrown.
Death rattle moan
evoked from throat,
reflex can't say no
to rigor rigidly posed,
final sigh in silence,
awoken vocal,
expelled and disposed.
Smote by
morose emotion,
gun loaded then exploded
by neurosis,
now bloated
necrosis decomposes
into gross ochre.
This trophy
and this ode
both an opus to
my inability to cope;
romanced i proposed,
eloped and betrothed to
my own
inappropriate composure.
Pocket full of posies
plucked when luck bestowed
and tears in a cup, a toast;
crying copiously,
tempest runneth overflowed,
eyes swollen and soaked.
Dipped my toes
in the coast
of this ocean's
amorphous folds,
gripped by undertow
holding control of my soul;
swiftly shipwrecked in
shallow shoal,
an old atoll.
On sandy floor,
water burrows roads;
digging, carving, roams
through unmarrowed
silica and sandstone
eroding into a cove.
A host for
opal geode trove,
enclosing a
technicolor rose,
from the depths
a glowing mosaic shone
Unopened lotus floats
on foam
of lapping waves,
a boat;
prone to no
grandiose notion
or motive,
adrift as wind stokes.
I suppose
this only shows
the total corrosion
into which I dove,
the only foes to oppose
are those of burdens, so
only weightless can I atone-
I must let go.
Mar 11, 2024
Mar 11, 2024 at 11:02 AM UTC
Internal monologue,
to self, a note:
prose and poetry
I wrote
to what I loathe,
every word I chose
a potent seed of
grief I sowed.
Sturdy oak's
branches, limbs,
and stoic bones
turning into woes of
a weeping willow's roots
overgrown and exposed.
Grain of timber groans,
bends and bows
in billowing wind blown;
a coat of leaves
in ribbons, clothes,
cloaking grove and
hanging rope below;
around my neck,
coiled and closed,
asphyxiating, chokes.
Ungasping,
thrashing throes,
no breath can flow,
slowly losing hope;
devoted to
an unspoken oath,
towing this
floating ghost and
shadow of an ego
dangling alone
on threadbare throne,
only home
I've ever known.
So what, to this world,
do i still owe
and why can't I
just
let
go?
Feb 9, 2024
Feb 9, 2024 at 2:21 PM UTC
I was floating in honey.
The viscosity of the substance
Made it so that, while I still needed to work
To keep my head afloat,
I had a little extra support.
So I didn't have to do it alone.
And it was good.
But my temperature began to rise.
I became too hot too fast, and,
Because of my actions
I started to destroy the beneficial parts
That the honey needed to remain useful and healthy.
So the honey reacted:
Threw my melting self out of its jar.
I tried to jump back in
But the honey firmly ******* its lid back on,
And my charring fists
Fruitlessly pounded on the boundary
The honey had erected.
Then as my body and brain burned,
The other honey jars disappeared-
Distancing in acts of self-preservation.
I knew how I could get my temperature
Back to baseline.
I just needed a little help
So I could work to get back to my normal self.
But my actions had pushed away what I needed.
So I accepted the fate I had caused,
And allowed my body to fall to ash.
Nov 20, 2023
Nov 20, 2023 at 9:05 PM UTC