#bipolar2
The times would
shift
and
break
to change bringing a
range
of emotions and feelings.
It was kind of
strange.
I had to
arrange
my
brain
to remove the
pain
for a
wave
of thought,
for a brief second
until my life was
naught.
Dec 5, 2020
Dec 5, 2020 at 2:19 AM UTC
Friends and family often ask me what suffering from bipolar is like
I always give the same cookie-cutter response.
It is comprised of really high highs
It also has really low lows and
If you are fortunate enough you have periods of baseline.
I have never been able to explain that complexity in my head.
I was never been able to explain the pain and suffering that has been happening for over 8 years.
I was never able to explain that the lows are sometimes last months or years of hate and self-loathing.
I was never able to explain the thought never stops you can not eat, sleep, or breathe without feeling pain.
I was never able to explain that you feel like your drowning and
you are using all your energy to stay afloat that it is easier to just give up some time and sink.
I was never able to explain that everything is spinning out of control that you cling on to anything you can.
I was never able to explain that the hurtful thing I caused to myself
was out of survival to show to myself I could still control
something, anything in a place that feels like you will never feel stable again.
I was never able to explain how the highs are not highs they are a
monster dressed as an angle that seduces you to believe that things are better.
I was never able to explain how that demon pushes you past all your limits until you find yourself alone and drained.
I was never able to explain the addiction to the feeling of happiness that comes on occasions with the highs
I was never able to explain that after living in darkness for so long the high is all you can ask for even if you know it will hurt you.
If I had to explain to people now what it is like to suffer from bipolar disorder is like, I would say it is exhausting.
The thoughts never end.
They never stop no matter how depressed or manic you are.
You lie awake all night because you can not silence them.
You wake up before sunrise because your awoken by the racing of the thoughts.
Your brain never stops.
You are left on the floor immobilized unable to do anything but listen to your head feeding you lies.
You are left with a body that can no longer function.
You are left exhausted and that feeling never goes away.
If I had to describe bipolar disorder in one word it would be
Exhaustion
Oct 15, 2020
Oct 15, 2020 at 1:36 PM UTC
i'm basically either homicidally happy,
or suicidally sad
but sometimes, i'm a bit of both
Jan 28, 2019
Jan 28, 2019 at 1:16 PM UTC
day in, day out,
all the same
eating,
sleeping,
playing games
sometimes I look
at these **** walls
and in a way,
I hope they fall
but then I take
a look outside
and it just makes me
wanna cry
it's so **** cold
I'd freeze to death
so here I sit
and waste my breath
I feel so useless,
so **** lazy
I can't get out
i'm going crazy
I look outside
pray for relief
but the weatherman
says "wait a week"
but it has been
a couple days
don't think I can
go on this way
I have to break out
from my mind
or I won't make it to tonight
Jan 21, 2019
Jan 21, 2019 at 11:38 AM UTC
sadly, I'm sadder
in this moment than I was
just moments ago
Jan 15, 2019
Jan 15, 2019 at 10:22 PM UTC
existence is pain
and all my daily pursuits
just leave me empty
Jan 15, 2019
Jan 15, 2019 at 9:36 PM UTC
Another day, another ache
my mind is just a total blank
I punch these keys, to no avail
but won’t allow myself to fail
I feel so useless, feel so dumb
I struggle, but the words won’t come
a waste of space, a waste of time
I lost that spark I had inside
I used to have so much to write
sometimes it’d keep me up at night
now where it was, there’s just an ache
my mind is still a total blank
still punching keys, to no avail
another try, another fail
I’m such a failure, i’m so dumb
these ******* words won’t seem to come
a waste of time, a waste of space
my failure stares me in the face
or maybe at another time
I can put something in these lines
or maybe some good tunes would help
no, i’m just lying to myself
I lost that spark I had inside
my life is just a waste of time
Jan 6, 2019
Jan 6, 2019 at 7:34 PM UTC
I wake up every morning
and try to be fruitful
do something, say something
try to be useful
but I realize at the end of the day
that I’m just filling time
with these meaningless things
I play games,
I write things,
exercise,
get some sleep
feel the burn,
toss and turn,
then I rinse and repeat
and if, for some reason
I didn’t get up
then it’d all be the same
‘cos no one gives a ****
my love says I need help,
and that ****** me off
‘cos I know there’s no pill
that can make this all stop
when you have no desire
too tired to live
those antidepressants
aren’t gonna do ****
Dec 23, 2018
Dec 23, 2018 at 10:41 PM UTC
I failed my attempt at a routine today
I struggled to sleep and I got up too late
but at least I worked out, got my muscles warmed up
still, I never feel like I did quite enough
then I ate some oatmeal, just a half of a cup
but since I got it down, now it’s trying to come up
now my girlfriend is grumpy, don’t know what to do
‘cos she ran out of smokes, so I failed at that, too
I really don’t know where I’ll come up with cash
it’s not like I can pull a few bucks out my ***
so I guess I’m just ****** not a thing I can do
I’m so over today, I want it to be through
Dec 23, 2018
Dec 23, 2018 at 12:25 PM UTC
I toss and turn as things I’ve said
play on repeat inside my head
and feel the burning sting of shame
that shows no signs of going away
these past few days I’ve been a *****
to think about it makes me sick
instead of showing gratitude
I’ve had a ****** attitude
I don’t know how I could forget
that lately I have been so blessed
most every night, I fall asleep
beside someone who cares for me
and every morning, I wake up
she makes a *** and brings a cup
and she reminds me with a smile
that she’ll be there for quite awhile
in life, I never thought I’d have
somebody that could love like that
she truly treats me like a King
I don’t do much of anything
I have to show my gratitude
and change my ****** attitude
I have to treat her like the Queen
that she has always been to me
Dec 22, 2018
Dec 22, 2018 at 12:11 AM UTC
I don’t want to do this
I just want to hide,
just curl up in a ball
while I wait here to die
I don’t know what to say
when you ask me what’s wrong
I wish I could tell you
but I’m just not that strong
the truth is, that
I just don’t feel like living
in a world so judgemental,
so cold, unforgiving
I give it my all
all this world does is take
and it still makes no difference
It’s always the same
I could just disappear
and no one would lose sleep
there’d be someone there
in my place in a week
I just don’t want to do this
I just want to hide
I’m curled up in the darkness
just waiting to die
Dec 20, 2018
Dec 20, 2018 at 1:52 PM UTC
fat
until I lost some weight
now people fear I’ll waste away
too quiet
‘til I speak my mind
now they’re all ******
wish I would die
wear too much black
wear pink one day
now everyone assumes I’m gay
work out an hour,
now I’m crazy
I take a break
now i’m too lazy
the truths I tell
become a lie
all people do is criticize
too meek
too weak
an ***
too crass
It doesn’t change
until I die
nobody will be satisfied
Dec 15, 2018
Dec 15, 2018 at 9:05 AM UTC
aside from shame, i think fear is the worst feeling there is
it’s one of the ones that physically affects you
it causes intense pounding in the chest, but not from your heart beating
no it more like someone banging on the inside your chest cavity as if it’s filling up with water and they’re drowning
it makes you weak at the knees, and fingertips
your whole body is jumbled with muscle jerks and trembles
and my gosh
your mind
imagine being stabbed in the skull in eight different spots all at once
over and over and over
and you go mute
unable to express any of this outwardly
you just look odd
but your body is in flight or fight mode
and you’re just choosing to sit
and that’s what you do
you sit in it
let it eat you up in every way
terrified out of your ******* mind
Jun 21, 2018
Jun 21, 2018 at 3:11 PM UTC
i hate the way my stomach feels when it’s literally caving into itself, you know? like when you got suppppper close to your first kiss at church camp the year before your grandma died? and then it felt the same way the year she did die and you let that 22 year old feel you up on your first kiss even though you were only 12. sort of like the time you had your first true heart break, you know when he showed you what it was like to not be taken advantage of, and then time that he did take advantage of you? or the time he cheated? or how the night your soul broke because of it and your mom and sisters literally held you down and wept the whole time, begging you to not do this to yourself. you know the build up and drop you get doing a new drug for the first time, and then the 1000th?
yeah it honestly makes me sick, and it’s not just my stomach that’s affected.
Jun 21, 2018
Jun 21, 2018 at 1:45 AM UTC
today i woke up and felt somehow smaller
smaller in the sense that the warmth from the flame inside my belly has gone lukewarm
smaller like my voice, just yesterday, was booming and running at a million miles an hour, and today i’ve cleared my throat 32 times so far because it keeps coming out as a whisper and getting stuck behind my teeth
i mean smaller because food is nonexistent today, only lithium touches my tongue
the only thing that hasn’t retracted at all are my thoughts
no those have stayed loud and clear and plenty at that
but everything else just seems sort of small
Jun 21, 2018
Jun 21, 2018 at 1:44 AM UTC
i waited for you to come back
and you never did
and i know you didn’t do that to hurt me
but my chest is tight and my eyes are wet and i can’t stop these thoughts
thoughts of not being enough of a reason for you to come back up the stairs and hold me
thoughts of being a little girl and waking up and walking thru the house to find no one
you can’t fake that kind of empty
you can’t fake that kind of fear
thoughts of how because of this, i hate myself
i hate myself for allowing this meaningless act to make or break my entire day
i hate myself for letting irrational fears of the little girl inside me dictate my self worth
i hate that now that you’re back my butterflies have been replaced with razor blades
i hate that now i can’t look you in your eyes because i’m scared that perhaps maybe my thoughts are right, and your eyes will confirm it
and in all honesty i’d rather look at the ground and i hate myself, than to ever meet your eyes and have them hate me
Jun 20, 2018
Jun 20, 2018 at 11:38 PM UTC
my first thought when i look at you
is
oh my gosh, he’s so beautiful
my first thought when you look at me
is
oh my gosh, he doesn’t get to experience that same thought
and instantly i’m filled with both guilt and pure sympathy
because how dare i not be enough for him
and
how dare he not be able to have someone that is enough for him
(looking in her eyes)
he gazed upon the inner galaxy, that sets within her. wdym
What does he do? does he kiss her? tell her she’s beautiful?
by then she says “I love you” and you say it too.
Words, Actions, Art, or Poetry..
can’t express the feelings given, and the feelings received.
she’s the world, the beginning of the family tree in which you’ll protect and care for.
just like how you cared for her in the very beginning...yet again,
your mind has thoughts like these constantly, all because of a simple glance in her eyes.
the galaxy that makes you who you are, but most importantly what you want to be.
Jun 20, 2018
Jun 20, 2018 at 11:35 PM UTC
you can’t tell me that i don’t hate myself
when i’m upset and the only image in my mind is that of hurting myself
when the constant thought running through my head is me dragging a razor blade over every surface of my body
i feel as though peace will come once i’m covered in a thick dark sticky layer of red
Jun 20, 2018
Jun 20, 2018 at 11:33 PM UTC
the joy that had risen in me is abruptly deflated
the rise of emotion had my body electrified for hours, and still my bones feel as though they are shaking, buzzing, reverberating with the left over ghosts that represent my happy
and it hurts
i’m so good at preparing for the worst
it could be years away, and i’ll get a hint of defeat, and ill be ****** if i wait for my demise
no, i’ll make it known the second it crosses my ****** up mind
Jun 20, 2018
Jun 20, 2018 at 11:29 PM UTC
shattered starlight is seeping from the holes i made
it is a sure sign of my defeat
im here with a blank face unable to process the hurricane of emotions wrecking my insides
not a single thought is one i’m able to capture
so here i lay
in a puddle of pulverized universes
dimming ever so slowly
Jun 20, 2018
Jun 20, 2018 at 11:26 PM UTC
what the **** am i supposed to do
i feel so empty
the thought of trying to pick up the pieces i’ve scattered around me makes me sick
my stomach aches with self hatred and guilt
and not anything that i can think of can make it go away
in all honesty i would be better off killing myself.
that sounds like a better option than getting high
or getting help
or getting ******
than any of it.
maybe tonight that’s what i’m supposed to do.
end it all.
Jun 20, 2018
Jun 20, 2018 at 11:21 PM UTC
my hands look thinner
i guess you could say i’ve been working out
working out how many days i can go without
without nurturing myself properly
i just hate eating, and i just love looking great.
Jun 20, 2018
Jun 20, 2018 at 11:14 PM UTC
i just want to go home
but home has only ever been a feeling
a feeling of longing
a longing to go home.
Jun 20, 2018
Jun 20, 2018 at 11:11 PM UTC
i feel like you put a gun in my hand
you put a gun snug against the side of my head
pulled the hammer back
and then grabbed my hand and wrapped it around the grip
and walked away...
i feel like if i come back
i’m gonna be locked in the closet with the gun again and i just can’t..
Jun 20, 2018
Jun 20, 2018 at 11:07 PM UTC
i just REALLLLLLY need to know
why the ****
me
feels the need to totally encompass
my
with nothing but horrible negative thoughts and memories
GET THE **** OUT
Jun 20, 2018
Jun 20, 2018 at 10:43 PM UTC