#babysister
I spent a lot of time missing you today. That one song came on that always makes me think of you. And I can't help but wonder if you're proud of me. I missed you more today than I think I have in thirteen years. I wondered if we'd be on this trip if you were here. I wonder if I'd yell at you for using all my stuff. I wonder if you'd cry on my shoulder when the boy at school doesn't love you back. I wonder if you'd roll down the windows with me and sing your heart out. I wonder if you'd look up to me or if you'd learn from my mistakes. I have a lot of thoughts on my mind tonight. Most about you. And I wonder if we'd go out together. I wonder if you'd have a crush on that boy in our church and I wonder if you'd be begging to wear makeup like I was. I wonder if you'd look like me and mom. I wonder a lot. I hope you know that I spend a lot of time thinking about you. And a lot of my decisions factor whether or not they will get me closer to meeting you.
Sep 20, 2014
Sep 20, 2014 at 12:12 AM UTC
Dear Braylin, my dearest sister
never did I think
that you were ever possible
Never did I wonder what'd it be like
to feel your hand wrapped around my finger
Never did I feel strange about leaving to visit my father
Because my little bea,
never did I think that you were ever possible.
I used to be satisfied with our cousins
running around after them like they were little princesses
Only now I see-though I love them without question-
Now I see that they can't compare.
Darling you are beyond any princess that could compare.
I knew from the moment I saw you that you'd be special.
I'd been waiting by those doors for half an hour when I finally saw you
You were screaming and covered in white but I didn't care
I couldn't think
As we all crowded around the window
to watch as my stepfather-your daddy-cleaned you up nice
I felt tears in my eyes, but I pushed them back
when our brother held me for the picture, I wanted to push him away
I was so mad at him
I was mad because I was scared
scared that he would put you down like he does me
I still am
But I won't let you hurt
I'll be there when you cry
I wipe the tears away from your eyes
Eyes that I soon found out were blue- like mine.
Only your's are darker, a deep dark blue like the deep ocean
I could stare at your eyes, your face, your beauty forever.
That's what I thought- the first time I held you
As the tears finally streamed down my face, and everyone laughed
Everyone laughed, but I didn't care for once
All I could think of was the miscarriages that mommy had
So many babies she lost
I had tried to not get my hopes up with you
but my worries were in vain
here you were, sleeping in my arms
they all talked about how I'd gotten you to quiet down
they were impressed
I wasn't very surprised
It seems almost like a common thing now
not that I can calm you down- you're so adorably spoiled-
but that I can connect with you
that you love me
I know you do, like I've never known anything before
never did I imagine that you were possible
but here you are, and here I'll stay
It makes me sad to think, in just four years
I'll have to leave- I've never liked thinking about growing up
but you make it even worse
When I start college, you'll be only four years old
What if I can't always be here?
What if I miss something?
What if you forget me?
Don't ever forget me, Bea.
I'll never forget you, I'm staying strong for you
I'll go out, and live, and make a future for myself
Because I want you to have everything you want in life
and I want to be one to help with that.
Never did I think you were possible
But looking into your deep blue eyes,
I know that anything is possible
I'll prove it.
I'll make me dreams come true
no matter how impossible they seem
We thought you were impossible
now look where we are.
Nothing is impossible
Apr 16, 2014
Apr 16, 2014 at 10:19 PM UTC