#audio
Audio File: https://soundcloud.com/prttybrdpoetry/i-thought-i-could-swim-until-you-stopped-me-from-drowning
in the middle of my silent days
you ran interference through thoughts whose only purpose
was to run interference through
anything good
or possibly good
that made its way into the rotation
of random pain
keeping me rooted firmly
on the backhand of a smile
snapped in place like the snapping of
my bra in the hands of middle school
boys that found it awkward to walk
when my puberty
kick-started theirs
so, 'SNAP'
there goes my dignity in that
seemingly innocent violation
that no one ever calls by name
where silence gives them permission
to make fun of my already mortifying
body changes that
took me from innocent and invisible
and ****** me into the spotlight so no one would notice
the way they were mortified
with their own reactions to my puberty
I hid behind oversized sweaters and sarcasm
never looked a boy in the eye
stopped talking
so maybe I could
pretend I was invisible and happy
or at least not naked
beneath these people who stole from me
without repercussions...
it lingers...
fast forward
through being made painfully aware that a size 10 was massive compared
to all my size 5 friends
but they were 5'2" not almost 5'8"
they still looked like a board
not a pinup girl from old-timey calendars
but fat is fat wherever it happens to land under thin skin
collecting into silent reservoirs
of self-loathing ammunition...
it lingers...
fast forward
through the first time 'no' held no meaning
shocked into silence and tears
still whispering... please...don't
as words were less weapons and more entrapment
where a body betrays in unwanted reactions
used as proof against my truth
or my perception of truth
or...it must be true because if I
really didn't want it...
but fear and panic can garner the same
physical responses as passion
and it would be too many years before I knew that...
it lingers...
fast forward
to the last time I knew I was beautiful
and the only time I ever let a friend
convince me that going home with these guys was ok
she wanted company and
she was my ride
she never did get lucky
I...
got a cracked sternum where his chin held me down
I kept my voice this time
but the music was so loud
my words remained unheard
no still held no meaning
my wrist bruised in his hand
one hand frantically stretching clothes out of the way
while my free hand struggled frantically
to keep those same clothes at my waist
but...
spandex is unkind on so many levels
somewhere in this fight with his
knees bruising my calves into position
he was thoughtful enough to
somehow, someway
utilize a ****** whose wrapper
never made into the trash
I know this as I followed my friend's
gaze first to the shiny torn package
then twist into what looked like pride
and on the way home
before the bruises turned purple
I told her... and she laughed
it lingers...
she said if that were true
and he stopped to put on a ******
why didn't I escape his hold
but his grip never changed
and when he took those 3 seconds
to rip it open with his teeth...
I was trying to wriggle free and keep my shorts up
and scream over music playing way too loud
I couldn't look at her
or show her the bruises when they appeared
I shouldn't have to prove myself to a friend
I lost more than my dignity
on my 21st birthday...
it lingers...
But at least I knew I didn't deserve it...
that time
but if I wasn't pretty or thin or
anything remotely attractive
maybe it would never happen again
but...
fast forward
to wisdom earned and extra curves
but hating oneself never diminishes
without draining that pool of self-loathing
so, fast forward
present-day and my mom's voice mocks my dreams
she always told me that, when they care,
what I look like doesn't matter
but...
she never mentioned what would happen
if I was the one who didn't care
I learned that when I can't see past
my incessant imperfections
that I'd never believe anyone would notice
when I try to drown myself
in that pool of past truths
that my withdrawal into the
abyss of pain
could possibly ever matter
if it doesn't even matter to me
but...
it lingers...
and every time I hide from the world
masking my pain with silence
stepping out of the way trying not to
burden people with my shame and weakness
I still cannot fathom
if when the people that crawl into my skin
ripping my truth into that pool of lies
can't be bothered noticing my silence
searching for a safe-enough distance
then, how could... why would... anyone else
See,
I've grown accustomed to not mattering
to myself
trained into the seeming safety of silence
where I grate my self-esteem
on the very invisibility I had longed for
so many years ago
I care so much
but it never makes sense
when someone cares enough to notice anything I do,
especially when I'm trapped in my own darkness
but to bring it to my attention is so rare
that I find myself absolutely perplexed
I don't know what it's like to be seen
or... I didn't
but...
you saw me
you saw my distance
and tried to understand my pain
you told me I changed
and answered when I asked you
to tell me how
I am invisible
it's how I cope with heartache and broken trust
disappointment and pain
unfortunately, it's also how I cope
with personal joy and
anything that might resemble pride
I feel, but the invisibility...
it lingers...
so, today...
when in the middle of my silent days
or weeks or who knows how long
I've been drowning in the abyss in slow motion...
today, you ran interference through thoughts
whose only purpose
was to run interference through
anything good
or possibly good
that made its way into the rotation
of random pain
keeping me rooted firmly
on the backhand of a smile
your honesty, reflecting the truth that
I'm likely the only one who
actually doesn't notice my own withdrawal into isolation
was as surprising as that first
snapping of my bra
but I found my voice enough
to apologize for the shame I didn't earn
yet so freely project onto everyone
touched by the perception of invisibility
in which I hide
but you saw me
and proved I am not invisible
you cared enough to notice
and...
it lingers
Sep 12, 2020
Sep 12, 2020 at 5:20 PM UTC
Calm sleep day
Urban brick
Birdsong, windy leaves
Inexplicable bagpipes
Lift soul brave
Raw harsh demand
Rise, rise and stand
This is life and beauty
Silence
Wind
Leaves
Motorbike engine roar
Jul 1, 2020
Jul 1, 2020 at 10:35 AM UTC
With the right voice
Everything is poetry
© 2019 MJL
Mar 12, 2019
Mar 12, 2019 at 7:50 PM UTC
i'm sorry, I say
i swallowed myself whole
late last night
when no one was looking
rather
when I hid myself away
i ate myself
down past the bone
up to the neck
made wings of my thoughts
and made my getaway
my body is gone
i never missed it
but for when the absence of it
ached so hard I remembered
these wings made from
the flesh and feather of thought
can't carry the weight
of my head forever
Sep 6, 2018
Sep 6, 2018 at 8:50 PM UTC
In the audio recording you sent me
An hour of touching yourself
punishment for misbehavior
you giggled and cried at the same time
The "Oh, fuck"'s
"dear, God"'s
They built up inside
screaming for the pain to stop
With a trembling whimper.
"This is fun, but I can't wait 'till it's over"
If only you had said this sooner
In the daylight
We could have known
Time was running out.
We were never so honest
as our ***
Not even to ourselves
May 12, 2018
May 12, 2018 at 11:06 AM UTC
O' K AVI
MY CONFESSIONS
( LYRICAL)
LINK in BIO
I wish I was more than what I turned out to be,
I wish I was who they always wanted me to be
another lie in this sea of corpses hanging on to each other,
without any dreams or sight,
I wish I was as dark as night,
so they could see the flaws in every light,
I wish there was no need to pretend that I am no one yet,
but they know not to forget,
what they once wanted me to be,
I wish I was free in this world locked in chains and scars,
I wish I wasn't a machine and had a heart,
that everything was more beautiful than how they claim,
these empty words that fall down on my conscience like winters rain,
forming icicles that dangle over my head waiting for me to speak,
I wish I was weak,
so I could give in to their desire and leave,
tear a hole in my head and bleed
away
every thought they want to ******
I wish I was young again,
so, I could be afraid of the things beneath my bed,
instead of the voices inside my head,
I wish I was dead,
so they could stop counting my every breath,
I am not, what I have always pretended to be,
I am too cold, and they are too old,
to see,
beyond the rainbow where colours still dance in peace,
I wish I could leave,
I wish I could breathe,
in this hollow they call my home,
I'm so alone,
wandering inside my head all alone,
I wish I could mourn but I won't,
it is I who chose not to wage war on the strangers,
that have made me a prisoner within my own skin,
I wish I wasn't always burning,
for I cannot feel the pain no more.
Jul 30, 2017
Jul 30, 2017 at 10:28 AM UTC
https://soundcloud.com/aviisevil/lyrical-in-genuis ( visit this link )
Jul 17, 2017
Jul 17, 2017 at 3:50 PM UTC
Listen to America? by graff1980 #np on #SoundCloud
https://soundcloud.com/graff1980/america
Jul 30, 2016
Jul 30, 2016 at 3:59 AM UTC
The last words of the lines of this sonnet are the same as those of a sonnet by Edna St Vincent Millay, "What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why...". There is no other connection between the two poems.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I cannot sleep tonight, and you know why.
You know how many weary hours I've lain
upon my bed and listened to the rain
lashing the window, and the mournful sigh
the wind makes. You have heard mine in reply.
I know you know the reason for my pain.
I know you know why, over and again,
I've wept out loud. I know you saw me cry
as I remembered carving on that tree
your name and mine. You were the only one
I needed then. You know, just as before,
how much I need you yet, but you have gone.
Only your spirit now still lives in me,
and I can never hope for any more.
May 19, 2016
May 19, 2016 at 4:59 AM UTC
two bodies
pausing in virtual realities
colors tangle
as love falls
effortlessly.
(b.d.s.)
Apr 30, 2016
Apr 30, 2016 at 7:49 PM UTC
You punched your mother in the face for trans rights.
you're really moving up
found out you had ******
want to switch majors
skip town
leave your girlfriend and move in
with the affair
Good job.
you thought it was all an uphill from the bottom
like a country song
lost your grandma
lost your daughter
lost your job.
the roller coaster isn't that simple.
you'll lose your whole life here, kid.
go get tested, you'll figure it out.
smoke cigarettes, get a psychiatrist.
have another panic attack, they're good for ya.
punch your mother in the face, don't even get locked up
count the cuts on your hands
watch the blood pool around your knuckles
you did it because she wouldn't let you call your partner "they".
"Call her an It if you have to, just not they."
well you should have taken that as signature.
left her there wrong.
been higher and mightier,
but you recorded her.
caught it all on tape.
and now she's blocking the door.
She's softer than you remember
weaker
it isn't hard to get her off you
to move her
she can't hold you back.
she can't even cry.
you scream and she won't listen
still you're wrong
millions of voices are wrong to her
"society doesn't think that way nick.
YOU think that way."
"they'll stop saying they, if
YOU stop saying they."
Maybe that's why you fought so **** hard that night.
protecting the audio recording.
of you leading an army
alone
at your own mother.
Apr 19, 2016
Apr 19, 2016 at 11:23 AM UTC
Perhaps you’ll remember,
though most of us don’t
recall our earliest days.
What relative scale could you use
to describe the things you saw
and the things you felt?
It seems too unreal for a mind
you would one day call mature
and an intelligence
deemed sufficient.
If you could, would you choose,
and what would you find,
if you could retrieve these moments?
when a warm, familiar heartbeat
kept reassuring time,
in a comforting bed at blood temperature,
when hands twice your size
would cradle you completely; move you
from bath to crib,
when loving giants would come
when you called,
to sing or to soothe your pains,
when sleep held dreams of this and more,
in a language we all have spoken,
Beautiful to hear, forgotten on waking
May 14, 2014
May 14, 2014 at 11:38 AM UTC