#ativan
Dina?
Deanna?
Deena?
What was her name?
A diminutive of something
Or a shortening.
And I don’t even think that I am close
I miss you.
a small concrete table
white
a group of girls
Smoking and smoking and smoking
Trading lipgloss
I don’t remember what we talked about
But I do remember that the meds made you so
Hungry
“Are you gonna eat that?”
That’s how it begins in such places
Passing off a cig
Or trading processed food
Or just giving it away.
Have a lie down
or hand over the pill stored in your cheek
for someone
needier.
You said after your second plateful of anything
Make sure you let me know if I start getting fat
I tried not to follow you around
We had breakfast
Cigarette breaks
lunch and dinner
I could have sat with you all day and night
But I let you roam like a yearling
talking too much to too many people
Spinning around in the hallways
The skinny girl
on the floor doing a striptease on her back
in the streaming sunlight
I could tell
That you got paid for this at some point
Even the imaginary boa scared these boys
You loved to talk about God
I, however, do not
You loved a ****** ******
They were your favorite
and would reminisce with the junkies
Always sitting close-by
You claimed that you could make a man cry
By what you could do to his body
I can only imagine
what you’ve done so far
At your age
and you have a kid
I know
that you’re frightened
to be alone
with your mother
She’s so small
You wouldn’t want to hurt her
And I see her
that one time
with candies and soda
that you made her bring from
the 99 cent store to share
with all these people that don’t like you
that she is
a tiny thing
Yes
anyone could crush her
I see your point.
Deena
Dina
Deana
I can’t remember your name
You’d wake me for breakfast
Or, I you
You said the voices never stop in your head
Not just voices but other strange noises too
You acted like it was
a drag
But in fact you were **** scared
I can hear sounds too I offered
Bells
And Strings
Faint Voices calling my name
Offering succinct advice
Can’t everyone?
Leaning against a wall
with you at my feet
I saw your head snap
To the right
I said
Don’t worry
I heard that too
And you were so relieved
You grasped my feet in gratitude
You said that you are three.
Dread is the bad one
a male
And another
a ****** female who’s name
I can’t remember either
I suggested that there were more
Perhaps.
I met the ***** and I did not like her
at all
In anger I returned your sweatshirt
And you said
You know she’s terrible
I told you that
Take back the shirt
It’s cold
The men here don’t understand
our
Relationship
They assume that it’s lovey
Their minds are blown by
Companionship in difficult circumstances
Holding hands might help you through
You never know until you try
You loved to have arguments over the Bible
I would make a lot of noise to shut it down
I cannot listen to that
You would talk on that phone on the wall
With the father of your child
About god
You missed your boy’s
first day
of kindergarten
You called him on that phone to make sure that he got the plastic truck
or some such toy in your absence
I wonder when you gave up your life
When an injection of Ativan in your ***
and a night
In an darkened empty room
Bound
became an ideal resolution.
You couldn’t figure out
why you had a lump on your head
And I explained that
it was the result of
banging it repeatedly
against the wall.
Side effects of Lorazepam include:
Little recall
You seemed to have a plan.
Visiting and writing up the coast
The Dean Moriarty of Hospitals
But what about your kid?
The doctors say you can’t leave until you’re well
I couldn’t even tell what’s wrong exactly
Or what he’s really trying to tell you
Other than too much too soon
But that’s every girl in LA
Isn’t it?
You said that
It
Emerged at age 24.
I think about your son.
I can’t believe that you have one.
And your mother
Who adopted you.
What did she in fact bring home?
Deanna.
Dina.
When they called to say that my car was here
That I could go
You covered my neck
With kisses
And said Thank You Thank You
I Don’t Know
What I Would Have Done Without You
What is your name?
Dee.
D.
Just the letter.
I remember
Thank you.
Jan 6, 2019
Jan 6, 2019 at 4:22 PM UTC
here comes number two
this time I didn’t want to be through
this is the second overdose
at least I’m not comatose
first I had this headache
but then I felt my back ache
my hands were kinda trembling
my legs wouldn’t stop bending
my head began to tighten
my mom needed to be enlightened
I tried to talk with her
all my words were blurred
they asked if they could help in a way
I just needed to keep my body at bay
it was hard to breathe
I knew I needed to leave
in the car came more spasms
I don’t think she even fathomed
this is what happens you see
when you need meds to be
they ask me how much I took
to overdose on lithium
I just gave an astonishing look
I didn’t do this for fun
I’m here because I’m seizing
on a dose that was wrote
by my doctor you see
so I could finally be
normal to me.
you just lay me here to quiver
and you’re in here faking
this alarm is awakening
BP one forty three over ninety four
I’m convulsing, almost to the floor
my heart rate is up to one fifty
this could not be anymore ******
you wanna give me ativan
after I tell you they said no benzos
plus I’m on this other,
atypical antipsychotic
oh, I forgot to mention that other overdose.
I don’t need to frolic
in a white pill sea
that’s now beneath me
I just want this to stop.
this constant convulsing
the unwanted tightening
it goes from bottom to top
over an hour later
it finally chose to stop
when the blood work was fine
my heart was on a normal line
May 22, 2015
May 22, 2015 at 9:27 AM UTC