#argh
3/20/2020
One against the world.
Fighting your change.
Would anyone care if you made it?
Wouldn’t they rather you fail?
Oh, they’d feel better about themselves.
One against yourself.
Fighting His change.
Would you care to let go?
Who are you even working for?
Your progress has to be between you and God.
One against your past.
Fighting your change.
Would it make a difference,
If you turned the boat around?
Could you even find your way back?
One against emotions.
Fighting their change.
Doesn’t the anger feel good,
When it wrecks your life?
Don’t you think you should hate hate?
One against a soul.
Fighting the change.
They need you, you know.
You aren’t what you’re meant to be,
It’s about time you changed course.
You’re almost ready,
So I’ll give you more time,
But I can’t promise it’ll last forever…
Oct 28, 2020
Oct 28, 2020 at 12:38 PM UTC
1/2/20
Waiting for this is like watching someone,
Who’s struggling to lift heavy objects.
Knowing there’s work to be done.
But I’m defiant, as when a mob objects.
I see exactly what I dislike in me,
I guess, maybe I could toss it out.
Motivation comes so slowly,
But small steps are how you start.
So I’ll show you who I am,
But I’ll keep the darkest inside.
I’ll hold it back like the Hoover Dam.
Oh, how long can I go on looking dignified?
I’m in the middle of a drought,
In denial, I hold onto every drop.
Yet I haven’t figured it out,
That emotions aren’t meant to stop.
So I’ll give myself a chance,
I’ll give kindness a try.
I’ll surrender like France,
I’ll give into love and comply.
What is my own goodness?
But like a pile of wet leaves,
Or worshipping a false goddess,
Fruitless, like unsuccessful thieves.
Who am I? Who do I want to be?
I know who I was; I’m glad it’s in the past.
Yet these pains, I’ve gotten nowhere, you see?
Just when I thought I’d see the end at last.
When will I stop talking,
And move into danger’s range?
When will I stop writing,
And begin this wretched change?
Jan 27, 2020
Jan 27, 2020 at 9:01 PM UTC
11/7/19
Why do I shrug off their compliments?
I hate words of affirmation,
I don’t know how to react or what to say,
But they’re exactly what I need.
Without praise, I’d feel worthless,
But positive public attention is almost worse.
I feel puffed up or manipulated.
But is humility shooting down an applauding crowd?
“Shut up and say thank you,” they tell me.
That’s how to master humility.
So I’ll take what I can get,
And I’ll work at giving it in return.
I have so much love inside,
That I’m afraid to show.
But blasting out compliments,
Is hardly the wrong way to go.
Jan 27, 2020
Jan 27, 2020 at 8:59 PM UTC
8/27/19
Somehow I had it figured out that
If I made it as miserable for you
As it was for me
That then I would have happiness
I stepped into the scene
Chaos in the air as
I prepared to do the deed
Metaphorically raising the axe
But then I looked into your eyes
And saw a piece of myself
How could I let that happen
To another scared soul like me?
Jealousy runs love away from me
It’s hard to want the best for others
But if I knew what I wanted
Isn’t it also what they need?
Do unto others as you
Would have them do unto you
Why does that sound so easy?
Because all I want is a friend
Truth is, I’ve learned so much
But I learned the hardest way possible
I’d rather keep it all to myself
And watch you struggle like I did
Though it makes me feel better
It can only last so long
And it always ends with everyone
Hating me as if I had swung that axe.
Sep 5, 2019
Sep 5, 2019 at 11:05 AM UTC
8/16/19
God, you put me through a refining fire,
Where I stood, you desired to enquire.
After burning away the junk and ****
One ***** drop was all I could brag.
Oh God, it’s easier to trust you when
You pour out blessings again and again!
But what about the times I wish to forget?
How can I trust you when I’d rather reset?
When everything is out of my hands,
When I’m caving under the demands,
That’s when I need you most, Lord.
I guess I call out only when I’m floored…
Yet even when I don’t trust like I should,
Oh God, You are still forever good!
I’ve felt your Spirit now more than ever,
Prying my thoughts apart like a lever.
Sep 5, 2019
Sep 5, 2019 at 10:59 AM UTC
6/22/19
I committed no crime,
So why then do I run?
Maybe I’ve run out of time,
And I can’t stand to be outdone.
As I run, I leave clues,
To divert anyone who stalks.
Random things like clews,
I’ve changed basic characteristics.
Maybe I’m bad at leaving ’em, unless
The detectives are bad at reading.
But they find me nonetheless,
As I try to explain this misunderstanding.
I argue my case – innocence,
They are not convinced.
I plead guilty – acquiescence,
They pick up on the nuanced.
Why is everything backwards?
No one understands me.
Headache and confusion afterwards,
With me no one seems to agree.
But then the detective joins me,
They don’t turn me in.
I can’t grasp it, should I flee?
My emotional reserve, dried like a raisin.
Jun 22, 2019
Jun 22, 2019 at 6:22 PM UTC
5/7/2019
God, stop me at once!
I've been telling you what to do,
And there's no telling what that will do.
I lack so much in experience.
I'm so demanding,
And yet so indigent,
I order things like I'm a sergeant.
But I'm the opposite of outstanding.
I want you to work for this "god of self,"
But you're more than I could ever think.
I live and die in one blink,
I can't escape - overtaken by time's engulf.
So why do I try to be,
The boss of all of you?
I master nothing of value,
I'm just riding along in this derby.
Oh God, humble my prayers.
I've always known what I wanted,
Boldly I asked of you - undaunted.
But here is one of the answers.
I ask, and ask, and ask!
But I never listen.
Now the light bulb is on like Edison.
My pride exposed - is grotesque.
You speak in a quiet voice,
Not because you're weak,
But because we must seek.
I've gotta come to you by choice.
May 8, 2019
May 8, 2019 at 4:53 PM UTC
4/28/2019
That smile you showed,
When he was left out.
Half a second, eased the load,
Brought him from his hideout.
You care for him, to the last,
Even when he's distant.
When he thought he was outcast,
You included him in an instant.
But he selfishly wants your attention,
He craves more, he can't be alone.
He'd do anything in this situation,
But his stupidity swirls like a cyclone.
He becomes like a turbulent child,
Throws a fit to get his way.
Others are easily beguiled,
But is happiness really underway?
Can the void in his heart,
Which was drained long ago,
Be filled when he becomes a bogart?
These actions damage his precarious ego.
He needs your presence;
People who truly care,
Enough to make a difference.
But he can't even tell you're there.
"Father, show him who,
You've sent them into his life,
Even though they're few,
They cut him deep like a knife.
"Let them show him his faults,
He must see for himself,
Let them open the vaults,
Show him what's on the shelf."
You see how he is corrupted.
Despite his rotten core,
Could he be accepted?
You must help him to explore.
It's not what he does,
That determines his fame.
Love sees past broken pieces,
It passes on no shame.
Overcome by greed,
Not a healthy place.
Back-stabbed and buried,
Not a way to run the race.
Overcome by pride,
Not a purposeful existence.
So much left untried,
Not gaining any distance.
He was not satisfied,
So he took a mile.
I know he was terrified,
Cuz I was he - the whole while.
May 1, 2019
May 1, 2019 at 3:19 PM UTC
4/19/2019
I’m too skinny to be mean,
So why do I walk with swag?
That’s not maturity, I’m so green.
They say, “Work out, you’re such a scrag.”
I should try to smile more,
A scowl doesn’t draw people.
But the outside reflects from the core,
So change is not that simple.
Jesus change my heart,
Fill me – no, overflow me!
I need all of you to start,
To erase this mood of gloomy.
I’d rather be a nice guy,
I wouldn’t have to worry.
My old image – it’s time to die.
My turn to forget my history.
I’m still worried about my image,
I thought I climbed over that!
This culture values the savage.
In Your face, they’ve spat.
I’d rather be a decent fellow,
Someone readily trusted.
I’m quiet, I don’t bellow,
This way I was made, but I’ve resisted.
I was raised to be a gentleman,
What does that mean?
Call me a madman,
Act like Christ, when not even seen.
I’m done with looking tough,
I want nothing to do with grim.
I’ll act in a way devoid of mischief,
Even if I look like a weak victim.
But going back to culture;
I don’t want to slip into the throng,
I won’t blend in and become a vulture,
Feeding off the weak, don’t make you strong.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick,”
An interesting concept.
People these days are all talk,
That they are wrong, they’d never accept.
Even when I’m hated,
By Christ, I will show humility.
It’s not that complicated,
An extension of His credibility.
Apr 25, 2019
Apr 25, 2019 at 8:02 PM UTC
4/18/2019
When I feel like hanging out,
Everyone is out and about.
But when I need to get away,
They all seem to want to stay.
God bless my introversion,
Because the other way is confusion.
I dislike the way I am,
Don’t compare me to a clam!
You’ve got me wrong,
Though at times I look strong;
Inside, I’m contorted into a wince,
Praying constantly for more competence.
At the end of a long day of stress,
I sit and mull it over – attempt progress.
I wonder why I am so put-down,
Feels like I’m on the edge of breakdown.
Then I think of the days previous,
Everything becomes obvious.
I need breaks from people,
That’s always been the principle.
In the moment, it’s easy to slip up,
And think I can do this ’til sunup.
But I am weak when it all comes,
I quickly forget my problems.
I have unlimited limitations,
It’s hard to turn down invitations.
People can’t expect much from me,
But I can’t just blame my anatomy.
It seems a daily and vicious cycle
Splurge and crash, it’s becoming critical.
Balance doesn’t seem practical,
Why am I so hypocritical?
Apr 25, 2019
Apr 25, 2019 at 4:31 PM UTC
4/15/2019
I need a way to let my anger out.
But there’s not even a thing,
That I can think to be angry about.
I need to slow down my breathing,
I need a way to calm myself down.
Tonight my mood is the definition of seething.
My face in a perpetual frown,
I fear what I may appear to be.
Resolution can’t wait until sundown.
I can’t believe the benefit of this hobby,
There’s a beauty in the uses of poetry.
Truly a calmer person, not just a wanna-be.
Time to end this miserable soliloquy,
I think I’ll go for a walk.
Life is better spent, not being solitary.
Apr 25, 2019
Apr 25, 2019 at 4:30 PM UTC
4/7/2019
When to my face you confront,
Slow I am to speak.
My thoughts are not apparent,
My ideas you cannot seek.
But when through technology,
My stupidity sometime shows.
Repulsive terminology,
Erupts, I suppose.
Today I am puking nonsense,
Why don’t I shut my mouth?
All previous confidence,
Has decided to head south.
Where has my solid filter gone?
I’m not usually this way.
I feel no one could be drawn,
How long will this stay?
None of my poems have humor,
Why must I write with purpose?
This is such a ******
Will I ever lose my serious?
Apr 25, 2019
Apr 25, 2019 at 4:29 PM UTC
4/4/2019
When I question,
Where do I go?
Who can give a suggestion,
What is there to show?
I am overtaken by exhaustion,
My head bowed low.
Greed no longer my intention,
I am ready to know.
I am fed up with always taking,
It is time for me to give.
I’m done with all this faking,
I must truly forgive.
Help me start the rebuilding,
It’s time I truly live.
It’s not just me who’s crying,
Others are more secretive.
I cannot take others’ problems,
I could never care enough.
It’s easier for he who condemns,
To empathize is truly tough.
Uncomfortable the situation becomes,
When stories are devoid of fluff.
Flirting with the doldrums,
Is not my favorite stuff.
God, if I am to have aid,
Then let it be only you.
I know you have already paid,
Even if sin appears to continue.
I need you to pursuade,
Only you can change a view.
You’ve already made the trade,
Now there’s nothing for me to skew.
I’ve made the decision,
To step down from my pride.
Now guide my vision,
Show me who is outside.
I am only an illusion,
You are all that is inside.
Without you, all is confusion,
All is clear, with you beside.
God, how can you see beauty,
In the vilest thing and enemy?
I fear for my own security,
But it’s not only about me.
To accociate would make me *****
I can’t stand all their blasphemy.
Oh, my rotten mentality,
Erase my faulty dichotomy.
If I am to reach the world,
With your gospel message,
Let your plan be unfurled,
Show me partners on this voyage.
It’s not just me who’s called,
And the others are not in shortage.
I am no longer troubled,
God is our advantage!
His army is not just of one,
He is Lord of thousands,
If you stand still and listen,
Your heart heavily pounds.
His power matched by none,
His enemies He dumbfounds.
The victory He already won,
All by His commands.
Apr 25, 2019
Apr 25, 2019 at 4:27 PM UTC
Far moost o' me
three score minus one year
tethered upon terra firmae where
planet Earth doth veer
(spins upon the global axis
(tilted 23.5 degrees from the plane
of its orbit around the sun),
terrestrial genesis (perhaps accompanied
for Pete's sake by Gabriel
blowing his horn) in all honesty unclear
boot more oven concern
points to thermonuclear
and/or subnuclear
war, particularly at forefront
of thine primate noggin
actively hypothesizing
theoretical armageddon,
when non plus ultra gravitates
with e pluribus unum necessitating
each individual to bend over
and kiss his/her rear
goodbye unless total merciless queer
hue loss atomic fallout immediately
incinerates e'en
the moost savvy profiteer,
which aforementioned prognostication
arose from overbear
ring hazy, hot and humid
dangerous heat spell near
lee approximating insufferable
temperature nearing triple digits
(along Eastern Seaboard
of United baked States
makes this human,
an immediate convert to climate control
(though he happened tubby already)
basking, glorifying, and luxuriating
within delightful 60º Fahrenheit mere
really expressing gratitude for such
creature comfort donning my
stretched out birthday suit,
(yet thee moost comfortable leisurewear
then thrift store "special bag
mountain of clothes
as mooch as Yukon sales,"
no matter mine ill mannered
mirrored reflection doth jeer
at such a sorry sight, and/or
laugh reading interlinear
monologue colloquy,
which message gleaned between lines,
and should this poem be red aloud,
thy ******** passion linkedin
with humming HVAC, ye would hear
courtesy hove cochlear
(hollow tube in the inner ear)
sensitive to deafening sounds...so beware!
Jun 30, 2018
Jun 30, 2018 at 4:02 PM UTC
It's been a while.
Since I wrote a poem.
But not since I wrote about you.
I write about you all the time.
Every once in a while,
I forget why.
Then I remember why.
I remember you,
Or I see a picture.
I see your blond hair.
Your blue eyes.
You're the reason I have a type.
I think of your adventure,
And your shyness,
And your varying range of emotion.
I think of all these
Random memories,
Floating around in my head.
Like ping pong.
And capture the flag.
Like long flaring lights and computer bags.
Like fire escapes,
And hiding under tables,
Like missing you in winter with eyelashes like a fable.
Like long walks in the dark,
And hidden dark handkerchiefs with white polka dots.
Like plaid checkered jackets, even when it's hot.
Like cargo shorts and a white fedora.
Gathering under the arch like it's an agora.
Hiding that handkerchief between the flora.
God, I miss you more and more.
Months til I see you,
I'm down to only a few before.
I almost can't wait,
It makes me feel sad.
The fact that I'd leave,
Just like that.
Just so I could see you again.
It's Valentine's Day
And I'm here without you.
And I wish more than anything,
For that to not be true.
Feb 14, 2018
Feb 14, 2018 at 10:05 AM UTC
relinquishing emotional fixation
toward material trappings:
gold and silver upholds true value
capitalist money tree
thrown down upon the gaunt lit alter
of caterwauling treasure seekers
within briny current sea circulating currency
countless denominations cashiered
their legal tender to grant
rich Midas, who straddles diamond
compound billed as sacred kant
tickles with dollar signs motley crue
scrambling towards drawbridge gate
pedestrians malingering hungry thirst
for wealth of nations to satiate
inexorable appetite for wanton money to amass
fuels reverence for all that glitters even brass
whence madding crowd behaviour cruel and crass
deplorable if perceived from one way looking glass
fool hardiness to revere what beast called cash,
lucre, green back
can buy - sweeping across world wide web
scarring globe on fast track
toward accumulating high excess lavish life style
and parade with pomp and circumstances while
ninety nine percent of less wealthy live hand to mouth
envying those billeted behind sealed mansions
east, west, north and south
except this dollar less chap, who could not give
a rat’s ****
for hearing ka-ching melodic sound twenty four seven
that does swoosh
in burlap sack clothes and bank accounts
preferring to slog and push
along the boulevard of broken dreams
that resembles nothing but mush
yet preference prevails to forego
attachment to government sanctioned loot
freeing mind and body trying to cherish
voluntary simplicity which does suit
this quest for knowledge seeking writer,
who disparages against his horn to toot
nor imposing personal philosophy gives reason
exuberantly to exhale
versus vacuity and purposelessness sans
blind faith soul asylum toward holy grail
goading most people to persevere millions
of bucks over hill and dale
despite owning next to nothing, yet detaching
psychological bond that doth choke
ability to experience unfettered psyche likened
to an oxen with iron bound yoke!
Nov 8, 2017
Nov 8, 2017 at 9:04 PM UTC