#anorexic
This heart aches deeply, and it feels like no one see's me.
My worth is defined by a scale and an empty stomach,
No, I can not love myself more when nobody else does...
When did skinny become beautiful in my eyes, when did this chill feel so good,
At what point did I romanticize this disordered mind,
I'm flawed and hurt, incomplete.
I stare into the mirror and see ugly and bad, a waste of space, a thing to be replaced...
No, don't cry when I'm gone, don't shed a tear, I'll be fine- I just need someone to hear...
It's been 2 days without food and I'm not good, but I'll cover it up and say I'm okay.
Under 3 blankets and shivering, I become dizzy, I need to look as empty as I am inside,
But don't mind me... I'm fine.
Mar 31
Mar 31, 2026 at 5:46 PM UTC
It's been 49 hours.
49 hours since...
These inner demons ran rampant in my head,
There's no escape from this coldness,
The shivers continue as I lose size...
This fear is shown in my eyes,
My mind tells me lies, and I believe them.
The pain in my abs from over-exercise,
it hurts a lot, my heart is weary, yet I can't stop this.
Just know "I ate"
"I'm okay"
"It's only 5 more days"
My body is not okay, yet I still do this...
When will I learn, now or never?
Is there even a forever for me?
Mar 31
Mar 31, 2026 at 5:43 PM UTC
I should eat, I should allow it,
But the numbers float around my head...
I wish I could lose, yet I wish I could be normal too.
My brain is an anomaly to all who witness this...
The calories control me and the emptiness holds me tight...
Can I fight this? Will I win, these questions pester me within...
This Brain wants me gone, and I agree, but no one else can see me, for me...
Mar 31
Mar 31, 2026 at 5:41 PM UTC
"Weigh yourself!! Starve" They say,
There's an orb of Madness inside of me.
Rinse & repeat, Rinse and repeat.
"There's no time to eat!"
The chaos takes over,
These Symptoms consume me!
"No way out, No way out! "
"Are those feeble attempts done yet?"
"you are mine to take, mine alone."
My phantom roams. This soul is gone.
"coward, you're a coward!"
I continue on.
"Sound the alarms, you're done!"
Huddled masses in a corner, crying out in fear.
Where can I go from here?
"up, up, up! Those masses shout.
"save yourself, hurry now!"
Do I dare to take these steps?
....I must find myself.
Mar 31
Mar 31, 2026 at 5:35 PM UTC
Why would I eat if the lies inside me fill me up? 'Til there's nothing but half-truths trapped inside. I plead, scream, beg for someone to hear my cry but it's locked deep within me.
The pain I feel when I look in the mirror; why? Why do I hate myself?
Hate my hair,
my hips,
my thighs,
my stomach,
my smile.
I won't look anymore.
I can't bear to see who's staring back.
Shatter the mirror!
Distort the already broken image.
How much more damage could I do to myself before I'm through?
The scale wails when I approach; the fourth time in a day. When the numbers fall, I let out a sigh of relief, but when they rise…
What can I do?
What would you do if you couldn't be you?
Everyone's words are pointless. If its not the voice inside my head it doesn't matter. Nothing can satisfy my need to feel empty—to feel proud of the monster I’d become.
Jan 13, 2025
Jan 13, 2025 at 10:44 PM UTC
Recently I came to the conclusion that our body's are perfect, it's taken a long time!
The fact is we are all truly beautiful and diverse in shape and size.
I no longer look at the symmetry; lips, forehead, broad or narrow faces, chins, noses, jaw, eyes, cheekbones, how clear and smooth is the skin; how tall or small the frame.
I've come to realise that over time, these comparisons are a form of physical nostalgia; just a combination of shapes reminiscent of the many people we have loved or admired throughout our lives, and that our body image has become a measure of our perception of our physical self, our feelings, our positively and our desires.
I've come to the conclusion that all vessels embody the beauty of the individuals they carry; because everybody is both body and soul.
Feb 11, 2021
Feb 11, 2021 at 10:08 AM UTC
My lover has a scar
Just above her hipbone;
It's not a small ****
a forgotten accident.
They're words -
Straight lines she etched
Deliberately,
Slowly,
Painfully.
I trace my fingers softly,
Not to wake my love,
But I can't soften their bite.
Words of cruel warning,
An order, imperative.
Commanding, even faded,
Echo a silent scream.
They mock me, mock us,
For they still have a hold:
She is only half mine.
They hurt me, cold,
Like unblinking eyes,
Knowing that she stares back
Every day.
I barely brush them,
Intruders on soft skin,
Indelible scripture
Of darkness within.
And they keep whispering:
don't eat.
Sep 30, 2020
Sep 30, 2020 at 11:43 AM UTC
I'm hungry but I don't want to eat
I'm weak
or fat
or both
Judgment
from me and others
But I don't know what they're thinking
I assume
I assume they think
I'm gross
and fat
and lazy
I could just be healthy
I could exercise more
Or eat fewer carbs and more protein
But I guess
I am lazy
because I'd rather just stop eating
I know it's bad
I know it's dangerous
But my brain and my insecurity don't communicate
I'm insecure
lazy
gross
unhealthy
FAT
Mar 15, 2020
Mar 15, 2020 at 3:09 PM UTC
Looking at your body
I catch feels
It must be so nice
To feel real
“I’m beautiful just as I am”
You figure
Telling me things like these
Get me triggered
Setting goals for myself
In front of the mirror
Seeing my reflection
Checking out my figure
Under 110lbs
Yes to less, no to bigger
Remembering things like these
Always get me triggered
Mar 13, 2020
Mar 13, 2020 at 10:16 AM UTC
for anyone struggling with self-image
She has a comely form
and a smile that brightens her dorm . . .
but she’s grossly unthin
when seen from within;
soon an entire campus will mourn.
Yet she’d never once criticize
a friend for the size of her thighs.
Do unto others:
sisters and brothers?
Yes, but also ourselves, likewise.
My lovely wife Beth has struggled with an eating disorder for many years. I wrote her a poem titled "Is the Mirror Unkind" soon after meeting her. She was always much lovelier in my eyes than the reflection she saw in the mirror. And she was always much more generous with other people than she was with herself. The flip side of the golden rule is that we should treat ourselves as well as we would have others treat us! I hope anyone struggling with "self reflection" problems will be as generous to themselves as they are to others. And anyone who can sympathize with Beth can sympathize with themselves (hint, hint).
Keywords/Tags: Self Image, Mirror, Anorexia, Anorexic, Eating Disorder, Inferiority Complex, Low Self Esteem, Self Worth, Self Harm, Cutting, Anxiety, Depression, Hopelessness, Suicide
Feb 26, 2020
Feb 26, 2020 at 7:47 PM UTC
i want to be pretty
i want to be thin
i want to be
only bones and skin
i want people to worry
when i walk by
i want people to wonder
how i'm still alive
i don't eat for six days
and feel guilty on the seventh
i purge for three more
and binge on the eleventh
i wish you would worry
i wish you would care
if you don't, one day
you won't see me there
i'll die of starvation
messed up, insane, wrong
but you won't even notice
that i am long gone
Feb 3, 2020
Feb 3, 2020 at 4:55 PM UTC
loving an anorexic is hard, i would assume. borderline impossible. how can you love someone who has so much hatred for their body?
my first relationship ended because he was sick of watching me spit pasta into napkins and hide bread in my sleeves
he cheated on me and i watched the most cliché stereotype turn me angry and spiteful
he told me he couldn't love someone who loved their eating disorder more than they loved him
i want to be angry about this, but i can't
he was right. i was always going to choose ed over him
i would rather die from starvation than let go of my eating disorder for him
in that sense, he wasn't the only one who cheated.
Dec 5, 2019
Dec 5, 2019 at 7:32 PM UTC
I don't have an eating disorder
But
I eat one meal a day
I don't have an eating disorder
But
I cant eat more than 700 calories a day
I don't have an eating disorder
But
I have to skateboard at least 5 hours a day
I don't have an eating disorder
But
If I don't know how many calories is in something I can't eat it
Sep 17, 2019
Sep 17, 2019 at 11:35 PM UTC
Every meal is hard to swallow
With you present at the table
My stomach rumbles
Yes, in pain
The swifty of my ways
I absolutely hate eating with you
Yearn to I do, retch
The unpleasant time
In which should be my fathers
My hero, NO MATTER WHAT
You take his place at the table
But never, will you EVER have a place in my heart
Ruined it you have for yourself
Many not once a time
including grandmother, has she despised you.
Mar 11, 2019
Mar 11, 2019 at 7:38 PM UTC
Bony parts bruise faster.
I think to myself.
I look down at my arms. They are tinted yellow from the fading bruises.
Fatty parts bruise harder.
I think to myself.
I look down at my thighs, they have black spots scattered over them.
I sigh and touch my collarbones protruding from my body.
I stack the coins. I can fit 17 on each collarbone.
I look in the mirror and I know I am looking at a hollowed out skeleton, but all I see is me .. just as I've always looked, grey, boring, ordinary...
Mar 11, 2019
Mar 11, 2019 at 5:18 PM UTC
i am broken
like a carousel off its axis;
lost,
because I have to figure out how to fix this
shattered mind
with no blueprints for what a stable one looks like;
hopeless,
in a world that shoves happiness and recovery
down my throat anyway;
someone
who lives only for the sake of others
those who mistakenly believe i can be saved;
soulless,
because for all that i feel
none of those emotions touch me
deep enough to pull me out of this void
i'm living in.
i am.
dying
and already dead inside.
Jan 27, 2019
Jan 27, 2019 at 2:36 PM UTC
Through and through my mother is anorexic
You would be too if your environment was toxic
I can’t help but be sad when I come home late at night
And she’s asleep on the couch with tear stains from a fight
I bring back food from the restaurant I work at
She says she can’t have it because she’s too fat
Eventually she caves and I get her to eat
Fish, broccoli, fries, and red meat
She tells me it’s too late at night to eat snacks
Although she’s a normal weight her bones still sound like they crack
It’s now 1 am and I go to turn off the tv
She quickly wakes up and stairs blankly right at me
“Leave it. And turn the heat on”
She says to me, fighting a yawn
Before I leave I notice the wrappers
A caloric binge had clearly trapped her
And tomorrow I’m sure the cycle will repeat
As the image of my mother withers and retreats
Jan 5, 2019
Jan 5, 2019 at 2:38 AM UTC
Are you're doing it in a healthy way?
Are you watching what you eat?
Yeah.. That's why I didn't have a bun with dinner.
What I didn't tell her is that watching what I eat means
watching what i would normally eat sit on the shelf
watching what i would normally eat go to others
watching what i would normally eat shrink off my body
She says I've gotten smaller
My coworkers say I've gotten smaller
I don't see it
When someone asks if I've eaten I just avoid the topic or say I've had enough
If someone is concerned I laugh and say "I'm back on my anorexic ********
Jan 2, 2019
Jan 2, 2019 at 2:53 PM UTC
"Everyone wants to be a little anorexic" she says
"You know, like, in a glamorous way, like fashion friendly anorexic"
I bite my cheek and nod, pretend to agree
All I can think of is waking up to stars dancing on the ceiling
Pale skin with bruises of unknown origins
And battered feet on and off the scale
Almonds in Ziploc baggies
Bite marks on fingers
Hair down the drain
Measuring crunches by the marks they leave on your spine
And battered feet on and off the scale
Enough water to turn organs into boats
Eating an apple with a fork and knife
Desperate hands grasping for ribs
And battered feet on and off the scale
Standing and the world going dark
Coughing around shots of apple cider vinegar
Carrying an emergency rice cake for weak spells
And battered feet on and off the scale
Enough green tea to drown organs
Sugar free gum to mask the smell of decaying organs
Whatever nail polish covers yellow and purple
And battered feet on and off the scale
How many calories are in toothpaste
Thinspo blogs
Pillows squeezed between thighs
And battered feet on and off the scale
Is today the day my heart gives out
Waking every day in a new body
Fingers clasped around wrists
And battered feet on and off the scale
Notebooks filled with numbers
Purple crescents under eyes
Fingers clasped around forearms
And battered feet on and off the scale
Elbows knocking into hipbones
Being scared of your own reflection
Lies to get out of dinner
And battered feet on and off the scale
The stench of *****
Oxygen that tastes of Splenda
Fingers clasped around biceps
And bleeding feet on and off the scale
If this is your idea of glamour
Then you can have it
Nov 27, 2018
Nov 27, 2018 at 12:48 PM UTC
We grew up together
Two peas in pod
You were my sidekick and I was yours
My one true platonic soulmate
So how did I let this happen?
How did I not know what was
Happening behind the four walls of your mind.
Behind the baggy sweaters that
Were suddenly "fashionable" all year round.
But if I think back carefully
Maybe I didn't miss it
Maybe I just ignored it
Ignored how when you got back from your
Summer in France the snug hoodie I gave you
Was no longer very snug
But rather hung like an ornament
On the thin frame of your body
Or how your legs began to resemble sticks
With a thigh gap most girls would die for.
Maybe I should have known the first time
You refused to eat your favourite ice cream
(chocolate mint chip) because calories!
When you told me you were in hospital
You said you were sick
But not in the way I thought you were
Because you didn't have chicken pox
Or pneumonia or bronchitis
You were sick in way that was much more twisted
You had a sickness of the mind
One that toyed with your thoughts
And messed with your sense
Until your body was wasting away.
I must admit at first I was angry
Because how could you keep this from me
I was your best friend and
You never told me your biggest secret
However then I was shocked
I could not understand
how you were in so much pain
And yet I did not know.
How had I cried for months
Proclaiming pain and suffering
That I believed no one could relate too
And yet here you were
Silently proclaiming the exact pain .
Oct 12, 2018
Oct 12, 2018 at 2:17 PM UTC
It starts with a slip,
A turn of the cheek.
Simply forgetting to fit,
A meal for your body to keep.
You see, at this point,
It isn’t really starving.
For I forget only when I’m not hungry.
But the problem is,
I’m so used to being hungry
That I can’t tell the difference.
I thought I was better,
Until my boyfriend asked why he’s never seen me eat.
Until I was asked when the last time I ate was.
Until I faint, and I’m reminded to eat.
But now when I eat,
I have an Apple.
But I get sick,
Because it was too much food.
I can’t keep anything down,
So I have no choice but to not eat.
And so the cycle repeats.
Aug 21, 2018
Aug 21, 2018 at 1:11 AM UTC
It's funny how when you were younger, you would say in your mind,"I would never do that." Here I am doing all the things I said I wouldn't do, self harm, anorexia, suicidal thoughts.
Jul 19, 2018
Jul 19, 2018 at 2:08 AM UTC