#ambivalent
I’ve never been good at asking for what I need
when I do, I fight myself every step of the way
it doesn’t seem to come out right—
or maybe I just don’t say the right words
maybe I’m not being seen or heard
is there a misunderstanding,
or do I feel misunderstood?
I don’t know—
maybe it’s all in my head
what I do know is that I don’t have the energy
to fight to be seen
maybe I’m just being dramatic
maybe I feel rejected
I don’t know if that’s sensitivity, or if my feelings are actually valid
I feel a missed bid for connection
I feel as if I am giving more than I am receiving
at times, it feels as if there’s no reciprocity
I desire, want, and need
to not feel so alone with another human being
I don’t know if I’m being irrational with this,
or dismissive to myself
I have an intense want to avoid and withdraw
I don’t know if I’m just being sensitive
I just wanted ten minutes of time, and it seems as if there’s no time at all
I expect myself from others
and let myself down when I don’t receive that
maybe I have unrealistic expectations of others
maybe I am asking for too much
maybe I am just being sensitive.
May 31, 2025
May 31, 2025 at 7:47 AM UTC
Silently, I wade through a dead sea
Forgoing the attempts, forlorn-
At regaining what I once believed:
To be real, to be deceived
The gambit run, when
Hearts are burning.
The faults of our stars,
Are that they linger
So far away.
And the crux of our minds,
Their aptitude for replay
Aug 15, 2023
Aug 15, 2023 at 2:53 PM UTC
that we may fall
to arms
blades sharpened
on the grindstone of hate
atlas stands
shouldering the weight
that their words
were willed to do wicked deeds
he weeps
at the long suffering
at length and still here
Nov 24, 2020
Nov 24, 2020 at 10:30 PM UTC
Paint me in new colors. I am tired
of my usual half-attempts
at dragging this out. Why
do my hands feel so heavy?
Lead numbness dragging
hours into days
I try to scraps off my old moldings but I'm
stuck in this feedback loop of
what will break me slowly because
I want to be here, but
at the same time I don't.
Ambivalence
kills. It seeds itself
under my skin and I can't
tear it out.
Ambivalence
will be the death of me.
May 10, 2018
May 10, 2018 at 11:34 PM UTC
Peace and Tranquility is what existed before you came
But you stepped in once more
Making my heart create chaos with every rapid heartbeat
Leaving me indecisive between my fragile heart and wise mind every step of the way
You leave me ambivalent, conflicted, entangled within a cobweb of emotions and thoughts
Contradicting one another and tearing me apart
Feb 20, 2018
Feb 20, 2018 at 3:50 AM UTC
I'm ambivalent
Ambivalence is the state
Wherein a person is torn
Between two opposing decisions
Will I stay or Will I go?
Will I laugh or Will I cry?
Will I live or Will I die?
Torn between two opposing decisions
That can cause me my life
These are questions I ask myself
Everyday...
I'm ambivalent...
Jan 7, 2018
Jan 7, 2018 at 10:38 AM UTC
In a bed of cosmic stars
I floated on the winded lake
lighted as the thunderstorm rolled
holding peace as a new born babe
so close that no one snatches it away
Now in a bridge waving
the passersby as they sink
to that very bed of green grass
where locusts escape the evil
eager shores that kiss and appease
that very spark of tranquility
the quietness of the resolved soul
where my feet pace to finish a race
the life wire of ambivalence
at the door where it all makes sense
In bed with the cosmic stars
I live unknown and invisible
the underlay of my natural matter
where I exist as a mere human being
estranged to the world and it's effects
Jul 12, 2016
Jul 12, 2016 at 4:39 AM UTC
I can't even tell if I've really gotten over you or I'm just numb to the fact that I've not forgotten you
Sep 11, 2015
Sep 11, 2015 at 8:00 PM UTC
i am ambidextrous – i can count how many times you’ve hurt me on both hands and i am ambivalent, i love you but i hate you
there is a certain ambience i recall in flashbacks and unspoken memories, however it fades as quickly as my smile when your name is mentioned
there is so much ambiguity in your eyes when you gaze at me – i stopped marvelling over you and your thoughts and instead marvelled over myself
who am i, without you? what am i, without you?
i am a life of ambition
you are a life of indifference
Jul 20, 2015
Jul 20, 2015 at 6:19 PM UTC
the mindset that you bring to it
the taste of your thoughts
a lick would slide down your throat
like a fish headed back to
water
Apr 10, 2015
Apr 10, 2015 at 4:20 PM UTC
Standing stock still as your eyes
bored into mine.
Ambivalent of whether i should
stay here or leave.
Ignorant about the situation
i have been in.
Screaming in my blank face
i'm just hopeless.
Tears remain unshed inside,
i broke apart.
Watching you feed the flames,
i stepped right in.
the moment i was engulfed i knew
that i was home.
Dec 18, 2014
Dec 18, 2014 at 4:48 AM UTC
Love and Hate is what I feel
I love you as a friend
I hate you as a human
All else is ambivalent
I have told myself
To give up
Yet what is this?
A feeling that is welling up in my being
A voice
You can save him, it says
But what if I cant?
What if it turns out just like before?
I cant take the same risk
And do the same mistakes
I'm terrified
The history is my greatest fear
For it made me feel excruciating pain
Now, I'm asking you
Are you willing to accept me
As the one to escort you
Towards the world I've come to know
That will surely somehow
Make you feel so free
Because I'm already so CONFUSED
You've been taking me inside an endless whirlpool
Mar 19, 2015
Mar 19, 2015 at 8:55 AM UTC
Life is truly better alone,
and yet I write in the journal that he gave to me.
Mar 13, 2015
Mar 13, 2015 at 12:10 PM UTC
My languid darling,
With your videre as you pass by
Pausing, freezing, looking back at me
Through harmonical movements
That made it seem as if you were dancing
Turning here and there ambivalently
Trying to ease your own boredom
As you listen to the sound of music.
Jan 28, 2015
Jan 28, 2015 at 12:00 PM UTC
I have my doubts when you're not here
But they fade away when you appear
At times I feel like you don't care
Then you prove me wrong when you are there
You say sweet things for one minute
The next it's like I don't exist
I'm so confused, what should I do?
I lose my sleep with thoughts of you
"I'm happy with you" that's what you said
But then you say I make you mad
At times you'd walk away from me
You'd crawl back later and say "Sorry"
You treat me like I don't mean anything
You say my flaws are what you're hating
Later you tell me I'm perfect like this
It's not my fault I'm weak to the beasts
Sometimes I want you to leave me alone
But then all night I'd stare at my phone
I want you bad but I hate the pain
It's like I'm drowning in the pouring rain
I'm never sure of what you want
You make me want to get up and run
I love you too much to let you go
But please, I beg you, don't give me false hope
Jan 19, 2015
Jan 19, 2015 at 10:42 PM UTC
You brought back a part of me that I've shut down
Emotions locked and sealed away
Never to be felt, or touched by another soul
Reminding myself not to give in to bliss
That it could be snatched away at any time again.
But then,
You show me sides of yours that I've never imagined existed.
And when you said those words...
*~ You're a rose without thorns,
Delicate, innocent and pure
Seeing the lips of yours curve into a smile lights up my day.
You care for me like no one else does,
You hide yourself under a cloak full of sorrows
But I see through you
And I would not let myself live,
If I ever ruined your life and future.
Because I love you and I'll love you till the end.~*
I was left speechless
With a glimpse of light trying to break free
That sudden feeling of warmth in your chest
In a state of ambivalent
I'm learning how to adapt to the emotions of yours.
Jun 26, 2014
Jun 26, 2014 at 12:31 PM UTC
Eyes in hues of green and gold
Mesmerizing flecks to which
My gaze was stubbornly fixated
Crimson lover and ebony spirit,
Why did you me so
Hungry and bereft?
We met one cold December hour
And your voice indelibly painted
An awe-inspiring tapestry
Upon the hollow corridors
Of my heart
You said Yes
I remember the very gasp
Even the nuances of your
Angelic voice
I have committed to memory
But nothing cripples your will
Like the magnetic pull
Of a golden-tressed *****
Oh, how you covet,
How you steal and you gorge
You pummeled me down
Into an abyss of no return
But when my ashes are strewn
Across the vast fields
Of God's Heaven
They will not remember me
Or my mangled remains
For I am just another victim
Of your sagacious convictions
A singular pearl
On a long string of beads
So pure but marred
A beauty but scarred
They will admire
And exalt to the skies
They will bellow their song
To the thousands listening
But they will also weep
A funeral march so poignant
Dew drops from their eyes
Awaken the fallen
And with them I rise
Mar 23, 2014
Mar 23, 2014 at 3:17 PM UTC