#agonizing
I've been too far out all my life I think
And not smiling but... but agonizing.
They rang to see was I alright, was I
OK
I smiled down the phone, told them I
was fine
That I was reading a bit, watching TV
Out sunning myself in the back
garden
What I didn't tell them I suppose, was
the real truth
That my Demons they were keeping
me entertained
They were sitting on the fence right
now watching me
Like great big Birds of Prey.
"Are you keeping yourself fit", they asked, " getting enough exercise ",
" Yes!", I smiled again, "I do daily runs
around the garden"
Of course, this too was a fib, a lie
The truth was it was really my
demons again
Who were chasing me around the
garden
No! Me! I wasn't smiling, I was just...
just agonizing.
"Are you eating enough ?" they asked
"Yes, I am", I replied again smiling, " I
had lots of food in the house
What I neglected to tell them was of
course, the truth
That really it was my demons who
were eating me
And Boy! were they having a feast.
"O!", I thought to myself, " when this
whole thing is all over (the virus
crisis)
I gotta get myself a woman
Some lovely sweet pretty lookin'
thing
She'll save me from my demons
They'll find her more appetizing
Can eat her first instead of eating me".
Jul 1, 2020
Jul 1, 2020 at 10:05 AM UTC
It's better to have loved and lost than never having loved at all
I'm calling ********
To have someone convince you to let them hold your fragilest parts?
Then look you in the eyes as they let them fall to the floor?
Leaving you wondering why you weren't enough?
When my bed is cold from the lack of your body heat?
How about not being able to stop seeing you missing from every new memory?
I'd definitely log those under "never having loved at all"
But wouldn't I do it again, wasn't it all worth it?
For the way you cradled my head in your arms humming softly as I fell asleep?
Learning from you the meaning of passion?
Falling deeper and deeper in love every second I saw you smile?
Singing our hearts out together in every car ride?
Yes.....
Yes, it was worth every agonizing moment
Jun 13, 2020
Jun 13, 2020 at 1:48 AM UTC
I am kept awake until dawn arrives
Close to clawing out these open eyes
Near to dreams
Far from sleep
Further from the relief I seek
Every night feel taunted
The empty walls of my room
Space beside me sneers silently
Sunrise is coming soon
Sprawled in an asymmetric shape
Restlessly flipping pillows
In bed screaming
Into fistfuls of blankets
Drowning in sheets that billow
"You lost him!"
Written everywhere
Each and every item you touched
It's agonizing how I'm forced to see reminders
As if I did not already miss you too much
May 5, 2019
May 5, 2019 at 5:21 AM UTC
I have written poems about rising.
It’s a good subject for poets.
Isn’t a poem itself a rising?
We spend much time revising
what we write and what we do.
There are so many good words ending in izing.
I could write a whole poem
using words symbolizing
so much of life -
it’s absolutely tantalizing.
I watch and read about all the polarizing.
It is a cool oasis lingering here
synchronizing
my words with my feelings and thoughts
realizing the heart of who I really am
comprising ways of saying my truth
without moralizing.
At times it is agonizing -
all this analyzing
how I belong and how I don’t
if I’ll join others or if I won’t.
I look at that guy Jesus
and how so many obsess
about his blood and sacrifice
all the while not recognizing
it’s not so much about our sins
and his need to atone as it is
about the good he did
who he sat with and loved,
the seeds he sowed
who he stopped to touch
on the side of the road.
I find obsessions with power
really unappetizing.
I’d rather spend my time rising
from darkness into light
or embracing my sadness, exercising
and emphasizing what is energizing.
When I do that, it is quite surprising
how creative my muse is helping ME
to also rise.
Aug 2, 2018
Aug 2, 2018 at 10:38 AM UTC
The sun rises yet again
Reminding me of the start
Of another day I have to spend
Without your sweet smiles
And warm embraces.
May 12, 2018
May 12, 2018 at 4:14 PM UTC
Her eye's cast down like a beaten pup
She didn't dare bother looking up
She watched the ground, her every step
The anguish over her face just crept
The wind from her lips swept
The agonizing moans as she wept
What woeful sounds of regret
Her closet is bulging where the skeletons are kept
She had years ago, locked it up tight
Really late in the black of night
For even she couldn't stand the sight
She had already paid the price
So she figured she had the right
With those skeletons she could no longer fight
So every day she can be found
With her head firmly pointed down
Eyes forever fixated on the ground
Wearing her darkness like a shroud
May 16, 2016
May 16, 2016 at 12:57 PM UTC
Down in the depths of the hole, there's no sound but the beat of my heart
And my dark charred thoughts
That drip like black oil
That everything it touch's, it stains and soils
Thoughts of death and gruesome memories
From them there is no where to flee
So I lay in the bed curled into a tight ball
Just waiting to hit the bottom of the fall
There is no one to talk to, no one to call
No one knows how this inky darkness flows
How it consumes the soul and continues to grow
I'm imprisoned in theses bones, this skin
Is this how the end begins
I've prayed for love and light
But I've only been given glimpses of that site
Any happiness I have fought for is snatched away
In just a short few days
So now I pray
For death and a shortening of my years
To live a long agonize life is my fears
Not one month goes by that tragedy doesn't strike
It's like trying to get through life on a trike
You pedal really really hard but get no where
To tell the truth I just don't care
I want to become totally unaware
Apr 10, 2016
Apr 10, 2016 at 7:56 PM UTC
i find myself agonizing about how my son
or rather his physical blood skin organs and bones
have decayed
into apparent nothingness
Apr 12, 2015
Apr 12, 2015 at 11:33 AM UTC
It settles in my skin
refusing to leave
Not wanting to hurt
but it hurts so deep
its sharply edged wooden point placed inside of me
I'm suddenly apprehensive,
Not wanting to scream
....I want to scream....
scream so loud but I'm silenced
By my agony
My lips are tied and zipped
I try to untie and unzip
Its agenda to destroy me is so formidable,
that it only neglects me with no other sensation
But serenity.
© S Y A
Dec 30, 2014
Dec 30, 2014 at 11:49 AM UTC
Silence
Heavy, familiar
Crushing, agonizing, choking
tugging at your core, breaking you down just like before
Demanding, entrapping, piercing
Clamorous, turbulent
Noise
Oct 23, 2014
Oct 23, 2014 at 9:41 PM UTC
You make it impossible to fall asleep
And agonizing to stay awake.
Every miserable moment that passes
Helps me to understand
That I'm no closer to finding out
Where you've gone
Than I am to finding my voice.
Sep 23, 2014
Sep 23, 2014 at 4:12 PM UTC