#acollection
I am woman hear me roar.
No.
I am girl hear my cry.
First love is supposed to be pure,
Not secretly wondering how I ended up with you behind me, whispering lines from “Shape of You” into my ear as you grind into me.
I thank God that it was never real *** because we both know that if it was that way then I’d be the one who’d truly have to pay for our baby.
How do two hands move from a heart to the infinity symbol in the back of my car become your hands figuring out how to make me come while all this time I’m wondering if this is how a girl becomes a woman.
“Squeeze my hands to get rid of stress” verses “put my hands where you want them,”
Where has my innocence gone?
I wonder everyday as I see you walk through the school with a new girl wrapped around your finger, baby does the smell of my citrus perfume still linger in your mind?
Because I still remember the innocence of your hand in mine, your arms surrounding me reminding me what ‘love’ feels like.
But is it love when I go home every night to fall asleep crying because of all the shame and guilt I feel and wake up in the morning wondering if it will all be the same again today?
I’d promise myself and pray to God to give me the strength to say no tomorrow but as soon as tomorrow became today I’d fall for your mud eyes all the same and end the day in pain and tears.
The first love is supposed to kiss your scars not give you reasons to reopen them because when I see you with your arm around her shoulder and hand near her **** I begin to wonder if you’re falling into the same exact loop that you swore you’d never fall into after me.
When I told my therapist about you she said the line between consent and **** didn’t seem straight and I don not have the amount of bravery it takes to explain
How at fifteen, I hesitated to agree to our golden rule “do unto others as you would have them do to you" because I didn’t want your hands on my body unless we were dancing in the dark.
But I’d agree, just because that’s what you wanted and girls are supposed to want what boys need.
So how do you explain five months of crying myself to sleep all because a younger me thought I could keep you if I would simply agree.
May 10
May 10, 2026 at 9:41 PM UTC
one of my earliest nightmares was the British red coats marching into my family's house and killing everyone but me.
My parents assured me that it was fine, that their little six year old would be alright, but then why am I still plagued by nightmares?
My family, friends, dying at the hands of a stranger wearing a hood that show scare younguns but then explain to me why I still reach to touch the ones I swear I've lost.
Or bolting upright in the middle of the night, seating, a soundless scream escaping my throat as I hit the ground hard only to realize
I'm on my bed,
somehow not dead even though this is the ninth time I've had this dream this month.
I'm ashamed to admit that I still sleep with a nightlight even though I know my parents are right and there is no reason to fear the dark night
But I still do.
Every sound startles my eyes into sight as I try to spot where I heard it from, only to discover that I have embodied terror.
In November I moved into my parents room and my dad moved to my bedroom
but somehow it didn't help the sense of doom I felt as I pull the covers over my body, waiting for the next boom of thunder.
Each night finds a new nightmare, whether it's mom dying or me holding a lifeless baby in my arms, crying it doesn't matter because
at least I know it's coming for me
not them.
I've started using concealer to hide the bags under my eyes because I'm barely surviving off two hours of sleep
A friend told me to sing worship songs in my room so 'the demons can't sleep either'
and that's one of the most satisfying four hours of sleep I've got.
just as I begin to wonder if the
nightmares have stopped coming
I get
three
in
one
night
myself, *****
mom, shot while I am tied in a chair,
and my best friend murdered, my ****** telling me later that it was because
"she was strong enough to say no"
once upon a time I had arms to hold me and a voice that spoke comfort when I woke, trembling,
but now those same arms and voice cause
so many
of the nightmares
I've learned to call dreams.
Apr 23
Apr 23, 2026 at 9:34 PM UTC
Research shows that children and teens have the possibility to conquer their OCD tendencies
But here I am, age 16, and I still haven’t broken free.
My therapist argued that it was possible that I didn’t even have OCD at all, just small habits that fall under the OCD stereotype–
Yet here I am
Pencil in hand, ready to write
But not until I find the perfect line, perfect rhyme.
Now here I am wondering if this is even the right time to share about my so-called “habits”
Because “it’s all my call” but if I don’t tap the wall 30 times I won’t sleep well at all.
Or you can choose not to, but turn down the fan or your family won’t get a good number in the immigration queue.
But don’t forget to walk down the stairs with your left foot first, and on the larger step make sure it’s left then right, because we’ve been doing this for four years now, Karis.
But at school it’s right, then left, so you’ll end with the right foot on the ground, which is your left.
All these “habits” with the hope that I’ll someday cut the rope which binds me to the demons who control my “habits.”
Someday I will make them bow but that time is not now
Because I’ve lost the rhythm and rhyme that I started with
Every morning I pray to God to free me from this cycle and yet–
I’ve been through trial and flame and the only person left to blame is myself.
And the pills in my kitchen drawer that add to the bills as my parents refill my pill dispenser.
Yet I take them
Over and over and over.
Research shows that children and teens have the possibility to conquer their OCD tendencies
But here I am, age 16, and I still haven’t broken free
Down my family’s stairs
Left, right, left, right
Down the school’s stairs
Right, left, right, left.
The idea of breaking free from my “habits” once gave me hope
But these tendencies have become the best way to cope
Research shows that children and teens have the possibility to conquer their OCD tendencies
But who am I if these tendencies are not a part of me?
Apr 25
Apr 25, 2026 at 5:52 AM UTC