#absentfather
i find myself unable to sleep,
crippled.
lost
confused
this anxiety riddles me with questions
memories
& fears.
i rememeber the first time you touched me
i felt needed
i felt at ease
i felt comforted
your hands felt like home
your words sounded like a song
i felt alive.
i felt love,
or atleast, what i thought to be love.
why did i find home in your hands?
why did your hands offer me a place my father never did?
why did my fathers hands feel like foreign land
and his voice sound like an empty room?
i found missing pieces of my father in you
in your touch
your voice
your laugh
the moments of touch felt like pleasure unleashed
but when you would leave
i would cry and try to scrub,
scrub my sins away
scrub my hate away
scrub the distaste away
scrub my own skin away,
because it felt foreign.
why did i find pleasure in sin?
why did i find joy in the pits of hell?
why?
why are you here again,
touching me.
loving me
searching for a release in me.
i should have said no,
but i never knew how to turn down love
or what looked like it.
Apr 24, 2016
Apr 24, 2016 at 5:44 PM UTC
To my dear father
“To My Father”
I will always hate you for the childhood I was meant to have but never did.
And the cruelest part?
No matter what, I will always be your child.
I carry you in my body,
your eyes, your hands, your feet, pieces of your face.
People who know you don’t need introductions;
they see me and trace me back to you.
I blame you for being absent,
for making yourself unavailable to me and my mother.
I will never pity how your life ended.
I will always place others above you.
Truthfully, all I ever wanted was your voice.
Just one “hello”.
One “how are you?”
Nothing more.
I wanted a hug.
I wanted you to ask me how I was doing.
I never needed your money.
Your voice was always enough.
And yet
despite everything,
I still pray that one day you will call.
Just once.
And tell me you’re sorry.
Sorry for making life hit me so hard, so early.
Sorry for forcing me to grow up before I understood right from wrong.
Sorry for stealing the ease children my age were allowed to have.
Sorry for not being the father I could bring my achievements to.
For making me work harder than I should have had to.
For denying me the security every child deserves.
And do you know why I hate you most?
Because childhood cannot be relived.
I will always hate you.
And I will always believe in karma.
When it comes for what you did to my mother
and the other women you hurt,
I pray you reap everything you sowed.
And I pray
above all
that my siblings and i are never made part of your punishment. Because we are innocent.
Mar 20
Mar 20, 2026 at 12:36 PM UTC
He said he was going out to get milk… and never came back.
What's the true story Mr ? Did they lie or did you ? They say father hood is a blessing yet you ducked like it was a bullet .
You come back waltzing into my life like you didn't dogde it , And now I'm supposed to act like you accepted your blessing ?
Fatherhood is cool so you became uncool ,
A father is his daughters best friend so you chose solitude .
Now you come to me with stories like we are friends but you never wanted a friend .
I hope you are happy Mr because I'm the happiest I can ever be.
I used to stay up at night then you know?
Calling out to you "Still waiting on that milk, Dad." Yet I never once saw the milk , but I bet you saw the cow ! Because I see kids around you drinking lots of it.
Jul 29, 2025
Jul 29, 2025 at 2:13 PM UTC