#absense
"out of sight, out of mind" they said
then why do i still think about you?
Jan 1, 2020
Jan 1, 2020 at 9:07 AM UTC
In the midst of talking to my friend girl.
She mentioned that she's been waking up in the middle of the night.
Cold, unable to go back to sleep.
We talked for a while longer, being our normal silly selves.
Then she asked a not so unusual question but unusual question.
She asked if she could borrow my heart, that she sought somewhere warm, comfortable.
That here lately she hasn't been able to find such a place.
Without hesitation I gave it to her. The blurred line of going through such lengths expecting the same sincerity to be returned.
Ensuring that she would at least get a good night's sleep if nothing else hoping to put her mind at ease.
We went for days, months even without so much as a single word being said.
Given the things she'd normally go through it was quite understandable.
What ever was mine I would have given until I found myself waking up later and later night after night.
My dreams no longer existent. Without realizing I found myself in the same predicament.
In search of a peace of mind.
It wasn't until she appeared out of the blue.
It put my mind at ease to see her happy, fruitful.
We talked for a while.
Laughing about everything that went on while separated from each other.
But when the topic of sleep came up I asked about my heart.
I noticed a brief hesitation.
Choosing to confess without saying too much, she gave my heart back.
Worn. No longer able to fit where it once came.
When asked what happened she turned her attention to someone else.
Seeking the same affection
Feb 22, 2017
Feb 22, 2017 at 9:45 AM UTC
*Tell me how all this, and love too, will ruin us.
These, our bodies, possessed by light.
Tell me we'll never get used to it*
- Richard Siken
there are two facts upon which you ground your love:
1. you are damaged
2. they are going to leave
you do not come screeching out of your mother’s body believing this about yourself
you learn how
over time
over minutes and months
over years
you meet people and take them into yourself
wrap them in your chest so deeply
you know they will never escape.
they may exit your life
walk away,
go where you can’t find them;
but not the presence of them
the core of them
the feeling of them inside of you
beating and glowing and sighing
like a heart
not that. that will stay. you’ll make it stay
you’ll teach yourself to grip onto those final remnants
the way a dying person grips onto breath
you will hold and hold and hold
not letting go, not knowing how to
you’ll grow a well of absence inside yourself
and nurture it into a great and incredible yearning:
this hall of memories within you
these faces you cannot forget
you will call it grief. you will call it
mine
the girl who shows you the truth is
ballet and brilliance
you watch her sideways on the bus
where she sits with her mother,
face swathed in light,
profile outlined in radiance
like the ring of a solar eclipse
and you have only been around the sun
nine times
but god,
the quiet, uncomplicated
beauty of her,
the straightforwardness of
her warmth—
she is the first person to whom
you are not biologically linked who sees
something more in you
she notices your fire and tends to it
until it becomes a towering
blaze
but the last night you see her
you are sure you are going to die
caught in the seats of theater
in front of a stage on which
this girl dances
like she has nothing left to give
but love
and an utter lack of
fear
the last night you see her
she embraces you
and her hair is curled
and her lashes are lined
and her lips are rosy
and you could scream out with what you
feel
but cannot explain
the last night you see her
the elevator doors close
between the two of you,
splicing your longing,
sending you off onto your own
barren continent
the last night you see her
you learn that you love
and people leave
and that the people you love leave
and that this is a truth you almost
cannot bear
[*how to turn my grief into something
powerful
how not to equate my longing with something
flawed, something ugly
how to
rise again
how to
survive*]
these are the things you ask yourself now
when you are naked and alone in your loss
these are the questions you stay alive to answer
because yes, you are damaged
and people leave
but that is not everything there is to
this filthy-heavenly existence
you cannot seem to
escape
you carry your sorrow like an old handbag
but you are growing tired of its weight
preparing to incinerate it and spread the ashes
the way you spread your devotion:
bravely, and now,
without remorse
you are learning that you are damaged
and wonderful, scarred
and sacred
bruised
and divine
they are going to leave
but you will go on in spite of it
you will go on because this is
all you have
you and your heart
and your overwhelming forward momentum
your love
Jan 11, 2017
Jan 11, 2017 at 1:45 PM UTC
His demise, caused by his mind,
Was hardly fair.
But the universe doesn't cater,
Neither does it care.
My father, oh father,
You once had much to say;
But you lost hold of your mind,
On one fateful day.
Your sickness,
It was adamantly there,
That's why I won't complain about this burden,
Which is wholly mine to bear.
Deep down in the ground,
You now lay,
And I wish I'd known you more, for
All I have are distant memories of play.
Little boy,
Dutiful father,
Playing together,
Without a bother.
I know where you hid,
Where you went,
You became lost in your mind,
Wholly spent.
But still,
Sometimes I let myself ponder,
What we could have had together,
If you mind was not forced to wander
Nov 25, 2015
Nov 25, 2015 at 2:25 PM UTC
He had dark curly hair
And always-smiling eyes
Everytime I picture him now
He grins at me
But he's long gone now
Taken by the wind of youth
And family
Removed from my side
As time was passing
If I were to see him again
There's no telling what I would do
Would I cry?
Would I ignore him?
He was my best friend
But he's gone again
As if I never knew him
As if we were never friends
Oct 27, 2015
Oct 27, 2015 at 10:16 AM UTC
Heights
Im afraid of heights
They asked me what made me shake
And I just told them heights
But really, really truly,
I must say thats a lie
I am scared of falling
From the cliffs or from the sky
Or maybe really, truly,
Into someones mind
Because everyday I think of us
And how we used to be
Heights dont truly make me shake
Just the absence of you and me
Dec 18, 2014
Dec 18, 2014 at 8:17 AM UTC
I was too busy dealing with everything else
To realize you were a crisis
So I swiftly
And utterly too efficiently
(With a practiced hand, no less)
Swept you away
Today
(Far too little, far too late)
I sat down to breathe
And the crushing blow
(The almost crippling loss)
Of your absense
Hit
In the morning, I'll resume life
At top speed, no doubt
(Which you resented for its- my- rigidity)
But for tonight
I'll sit still with you
(Isn't that what you wanted anyway?)
Sep 2, 2014
Sep 2, 2014 at 11:06 PM UTC
I hold you so deep in my heart
When I listen to my soul
Your constant ringing,
Is still guiding my every step.
You have left me and even if not by choice
The anger, The sadness,
Is still drumming in sync with my heart.
Your memory is like a withering flower.
Slowly starting to bend
slowly, dying
What am I to do?
I share my water, my food, even my love.
But your time is up
I hold that dead flower so gently in my hands
But still it crumbles
Being the fool that I am told I am
I try to mend the broken petals back together
In hope that somehow
You will bloom once again
Into the beautiful flower
That I remember you to be
That is still in my dreams...
Apr 22, 2014
Apr 22, 2014 at 4:11 PM UTC