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#1940
You lay there in the hospital bed blind and legless. You depended on your hearing to discover what was going on around you. Your leg stumps were bandaged and as you lay there you felt like so much meat on a butcher’s bench. You had visitors now and then like Donald and Guy, but few others. Your house had been bombed in the air raid and your maid had been killed. You lay there going over it in your mind, how your lover Clive had been killed in Dunkirk, how you and he made love that last night together before he went and joined his regiment. Now a memory, and you doubted anyone would make love to you anymore. Donald had brought along with him the other day a man named Philip with him whom you didn’t know. He was soft spoken and asked questions. You wondered what he made of you sitting in the wheelchair in the open air of the hospital, blind and with bandaged leg stumps. Anthony another friend of Guy’s who you met a few times came once, but hardly spoke, and you could imagine him gazing at you with displeasure. He talked about the war and about his engagement in war work of some sort. You lay there and it was all going around in your head, but you were glad you were now alive and not dead.
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Feb 26, 2025
Feb 26, 2025 at 3:26 AM UTC
Grace and Visitors 1940.
Grace felt down to feel her two leg stumps; her legs had been cut off or what was left of them once the bomb had done its worse during the London blitz. She felt bandages, felt the pain, wriggled her toes not there, tried to think them still there, but they were no longer there, just space where they were. Grace couldn't see, she was blind; no sight to see legs not there now, unable to go *** unaided; that's what it felt like to her being down graded.
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Aug 8, 2019
Aug 8, 2019 at 6:09 PM UTC
Grace Felt Down 1940.
Noises around and I am blanket bathed. I stare up but see only darkness my blind eyes bring. The nurses talk between themselves as they wash me intimately. My leg stumps are unbandaged and air gets to them. They talk about a new young doctor. I think about nothing but everything. I sense them wash me. Dampness refreshes me. I vaguely remember the bombing and then nothing. I wish Clive was alive and here with me. Philip came yesterday and talked to me. He is Guy's friend and works in the Foreign Office he said. He wants to take me out for dinner. I am half a woman now. The nurses dry me gently then rebandage the stumps and dress me and wheel me out into the sun. I sit alone with birdsong sounds nearby. I am undone and want to cry.
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Jun 1, 2018
Jun 1, 2018 at 3:14 PM UTC
Grace and the Blanket Bath 1940
They had unbandaged her leg stumps. Her blind eyes saw only darkness. She could hear their voices and feel their fingers and air on bare flesh. She lay on her back trying to make sense of their words. One spoke of healing and another of measuring for artificial limbs. One voice sounded Irish. A young nurse she assumed. She replied to questions they asked. She lay there quite exposed. She wondered if her maid had suffered in the bombing. Clive whom she loved and made love to had died at Dunkirk the year before. One voice became distant then disappeared. The nurse(she assumed) was attending the stumps. Grace stared into the blackness and heard on the ward other voices on the air. She seemed embraced by the cold arms of despair.
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Apr 8, 2018
Apr 8, 2018 at 12:07 PM UTC
Grace and Unbandaging 1940
On the retreat through Belgium you tended to a young soldier wounded by machine gun fire across his abdomen. He lay there on a stretcher unconscious. He needed a doctor but none was there. You unwound the bloodied bandages. His arm was hanging loose and a bone was poking through. He was still unconscious. A fellow soldier suggested they move on as the Germans were not far away. You rebandaged him. He was pale. You got two stretcher bearers to take him to the nearest ambulance. They walked off with him across the muddy ground to a battered ambulance over the way. Move on the sergeant called Jerry's on his way. You moved into the ambulance and off it went. The soldier lay there unaware of the place or time or danger. You watched him there without worries or care.
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Apr 4, 2018
Apr 4, 2018 at 2:43 PM UTC
Retreat in War 1940.
Charlie said about going into the small French town. You'd been told about the street of brothels. There were other soldiers walking up and down the street. Girls milled about in flimsy dresses or tight skirts. Charlie and you had never had *** before but neither told the other. Charlie went into one such place and you followed. There was a bar and tables and some chairs. Girls were with soliders getting them to buy them drinks then take them upstairs. Charlie bought the drinks. Dark beer stuff. Two young girls came over and spoke in a broken English about buying drinks. They moved themselves against you both. You sipped the beer. Charlie drank a couple of mouthfuls and went off with the thin faced French girl. You stood there with your glass of beer looking at the girl left behind. Your father who had been out in France in the first war said to avoid those places or you'd get the pox. She said about going upstairs. You said you couldn't not today. She rubbed herself against you. You gulped at your beer not knowing about *** or what to do.
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Mar 30, 2018
Mar 30, 2018 at 3:09 AM UTC
Night Out in a French Town 1940
Grace remembered an explosion a flash of light then darkness. The darkness never went. She knew she was awake by the sound of voices and people passing by. She called out. Some one came to her and took her hand. It's all right you are in hospital the soft voice said. Hospital? Why am I in Hospital? Your house was hit in the bombing the other day the voice said. She stared where the voice came from. Why can't I see? The doctors are not sure but it maybe just temporary blindness the voice replied. Grace felt down her side. I can't feel my legs? The voice hesitated. They had to be amputated. A shock ran through her head. She tried to sit up but she couldn't. Both legs? The voice was soft in reply. Yes they were a mess crushed and trapped. She couldn't take it in. What about my maid she was in the house? She was killed I am sorry to say the voice replied. Grace stared into blackness. The sounds about her seemed far away. We will do all we can for you. I wish I'd died she murmured then turning away she cried.
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Mar 28, 2018
Mar 28, 2018 at 12:13 PM UTC
Grace Remembered 1940
I wish, I could time travel to 40s.   When, Imagination used to be colourful Songs, filled with presence Ponds, serene deep And, The sky, clear blue. I wish, I could time travel to 40s. To witness, How, The Humans were made Guinea pigs WHO started to crawl Penicillin promised its magic. I wish, I could time travel to 40s. When, Mustache use to rule this world Charlie was my smile Icon ****** has nonsense to tell And, Albert was lamenting. I wish back, days of 1940s. When, Trust has everything to do.
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Feb 21, 2018
Feb 21, 2018 at 9:33 AM UTC
Time Travel
Dunkirk 1940. Clive died there on the beach. I remember the last night we had together before he went off with his regiment. I had given my maid the night off so we could be alone together. We made love a few times then talked then slept. After the War Grace he said we must marry and settle down and have a family. But he died. I lay here now in the hospital blind and without legs and left only the memories of Clive and I. Anthony and Guy visited today they said Philip had gone on business for the government and would see me later in the week. I sat in wheelchair as they spoke outside in the afternoon sun trying to picture Anthony as he spoke. I'd only met him a few times before. Guy was his usual self boastful humorous full of his upper-class jokes. Now they have gone and I am here alone. The memory of Clive chokes.
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Jul 4, 2017
Jul 4, 2017 at 7:52 AM UTC
DUNKIRK 1940.
There are cries and the sound of rushing and voices high. I stare into the blackness with my blind eyes and turn my head following the noise. I sit up balancing myself on my leg stumps hands each side of my hips. What's going on? I call what's happened? Someone comes beside my bed. Girls got bombed in the jam factory the voice said many killed others covered in hot sugar. The voice went off I wanted to get up but I could go now where without legs. I lay down again peering into the darkness wishing Clive was there not dead some place or where is Philip? I lay my head on the pillow wanting him there beside me on the bed making love to me inside my head.
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Jun 30, 2017
Jun 30, 2017 at 3:48 AM UTC
LOVE INSIDE MY HEAD 1940
Philip came to see me this afternoon. I was outside in the afternoon sunshine. I felt it's warmth on me I didn't expect him to come I expect nothing these days. It all seems the same in this darkness. I don't know what he looks like a nurse said he is good looking. My blind eyes focus only where I hear him. He held my hand and kissed my cheek. He lit me a cigarette and we sat in silence for awhile smoking. When we did talk it was on matters of me getting artificial legs and where he'd like to take me. All I could think about was Clive and how we made love that last time. Now he's dead and I'm here blind and legless. For some reason out of the blue I whispered to Philip make love to me when we can and he said when we can. I don't know why I had said that I suppose I wanted to see if he would even if I had no legs and no sight he would want to and he had said when we can. I imagine nothing now not that or having those legs to walk with but in a bed being made love to. The ward is quiet now the other patients sleep just me here alone wanting a future of sorts but not now that will keep.
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May 11, 2017
May 11, 2017 at 11:36 AM UTC
GRACE REFLECTS 1940
The nurse shows me where Grace sits in her wheelchair out on the lawn in the afternoon sunshine. Her blind eyes peering up towards the sun she cannot see. A blanket covers her leg stumps from view her hands are in her lap idle. Hello Grace I say. She turns her eyes towards me away from the sun. Philip? she says reaching out to me with a hand. I take her hand in mine and kiss her cheek. How are you? I say kneeling down on the grass beside her. Depressed and bored she replies squeezing my hand in hers. Other patients sit on chairs or in wheelchairs talking to others or sitting alone taking the sun. Shall I push you around a bit away from the chatter? I say. The scene's the same to me where ever we go she says moodily sit beside me go get a chair she adds. I go back inside the ward and borrow a chair and take it out and place it beside her and sit down. Cigarette? I say. She nods that'd be good she says. I take out a packet and take out two and place one between her lips and one in mine and put the packet away. I light both cigarettes with a lighter and we puff away. She isn't very talkative. I talk of things I have done (except what is secret hush hush stuff). She talks of her day stuck in the ward in the dark being washed and toileted listening to the radio on the ward playing dance music or talk of news and war. I study her as we sit wishing I could take her out again for dinner or just to sit in St James's Park and be alone. I miss Clive she says **** the War and Dunkirk why did he have to die? I don't know Grace the whole show is going to *** I say. If I had my legs I could fend better for myself she says. They did talk of getting you artificial legs when I was here last I say. But when will that be what with the War and such she says. The sun is warm and the sky a bright blue clouds drift overhead. I try to sound optimistic but it sounds quite lame. Will you make love to me when we can? she whispers. I blush but she cannot see. When we can I reply looking up at the sky.
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Apr 28, 2017
Apr 28, 2017 at 10:31 AM UTC
PHILIP VISITS GRACE 1940.
The nurse shows me where Grace sits in her wheelchair out on the lawn in the afternoon sunshine. Her blind eyes peering up towards the sun she cannot see. A blanket covers her leg stumps from view her hands are in her lap idle. Hello Grace I say. She turns her eyes towards me away from the sun. Philip? she says reaching out to me with a hand. I take her hand in mine and kiss her cheek. How are you? I say kneeling down on the grass beside her. Depressed and bored she replies squeezing my hand in hers. Other patients sit on chairs or in wheelchairs talking to others or sitting alone taking the sun. Shall I push you around a bit away from the chatter? I say. The scene's the same to me where ever we go she says moodily sit beside me go get a chair she adds. I go back inside the ward and borrow a chair and take it out and place it beside her and sit down. Cigarette? I say. She nods that'd be good she says. I take out a packet and take out two and place one between her lips and one in mine and put the packet away. I light both cigarettes with a lighter and we puff away. She isn't very talkative. I talk of things I have done (except what is secret hush hush stuff). She talks of her day stuck in the ward in the dark being washed and toileted listening to the radio on the ward playing dance music or talk of news and war. I study her as we sit wishing I could take her out again for dinner or just to sit in St James's Park and be alone. I miss Clive she says **** the War and Dunkirk why did he have to die? I don't know Grace the whole show is going to *** I say. If I had my legs I could fend better for myself she says. They did talk of getting you artificial legs when I was here last I say. But when will that be what with the War and such she says. The sun is warm and the sky a bright blue clouds drift overhead. I try to sound optimistic but it sounds quite lame. Will you make love to me when we can? she whispers. I blush but she cannot see. When we can I reply looking up at the sky.
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138
Guy and Donald visit me in the hospital grounds where I sit in a wheelchair in the warm sun. My blind eyes look towards each one as they speak. Philip's away a few days he told us but he'll be back within the week Guy says. Where has he gone? I ask. Can't say hush hush but he'll be back Guy says. Back safe Donald adds. Where is safe in this war? Good point Guy says taking my hand but he will back. How are you getting along? Donald says. I am to be measured for artificial legs I am told I say. That'd be good Guy says back on your feet again. Not my feet though I reply I'll have to fit them on each day and take them off at night before bed. You'll manage Guy says you are a determined woman who knows her mind. Am I? not sure I have that mind any more lost my legs and my sight and Clive. Someone up there has it in for me I say. Yes the Germans Donald says and you will show them you have courage and will not let them see you down. I wipe my eyes with a handkerchief from my dressing gown pocket. Shall we push you around the grounds? Guy says. It is all the same to me I can't see anything I say. It is silent for a few moments. Look Grace we have to go keep your chin up Guy says. Yes be strong Donald says. Then they go after kissing my cheek and I sit feeling undone and weak.
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Apr 7, 2017
Apr 7, 2017 at 4:11 AM UTC
AFTERNOON VISIT 1940
Life changing the Blitz bomb took my sight and my legs. Clive gone too at Dunkirk. I recall our last kiss as the train left London. I sit in this darkness. Hospital smells around and voice sounds. Morning Grace a voice says. My blind eyes turn around to the sound. Who is it? I enquire. Doctor Clay I have come to see you and see how your stumps are the voice says. They're painful I tell him. Nurse we need Grace to be lying down. Between them they lift me on the bed. Fingers lift my nightdress and unwrap bandages. Fresh air hits the leg stumps. His fingers examine what is left of my legs. They're healing very well he tells me. Soon we will have someone sort you out for new legs he informs. I thank him. He goes off and the nurse (small fingered) now attends to some fresh bandages. As her fingers touch my thighs I recall Clive touching me there too that last time before he left for the War. I stare out into dark cold spaces and a far away shore.
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Mar 10, 2017
Mar 10, 2017 at 9:12 AM UTC
LIFE CHANGING 1940.
I hear birds singing and feel the warm sun on my uplifted face, I have been wheeled into the grounds of the hospital I hear voices of others I cannot see my blind eyes turn in the direction of sound, I still have Philip's words about marriage in my ears and it unsettles me as we hardly know each other and I without sight or legs would be a burden on him and I do not want his pity although he says it is love, I have told no one about his proposal it seems too unsettling to talk about it yet but I sit here and look into darkness and feel empty inside as if I have opened a door and blackness entered into me and I feel lost, I am dependant on others on things which others cope with on their own and when they will and can while I have to be taken places and lifted or carried to the toilet or bath, I hear someone talk as they pass by another replies far off the hum of traffic and a nearby laugh.
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Feb 6, 2017
Feb 6, 2017 at 4:17 AM UTC
GRACE'S LOST SOUL 1940.
Philip has come to wheel me around St James Park. I feel the warm sun on my face. He wheels me in silence along paths I cannot see; past people talking then we come to a stop. We're by the lake, he says. I can hear the ducks, I tell him. I move my hand along to my leg stumps and pull the blanket over them. Are you comfortable? He asks. Yes thank you, I reply. How are the leg stumps? He asks. Healing so I am told. I stare in the direction of his voice with my blind eyes. Good I’m glad, he says. There is silence for a while; I listen to the sounds around me. Grace I want to ask you something, he says. I turn towards where his voice is: what is it? I ask. Would you marry me? He says softly. Marry you? I say bewildered, you hardly know me nor I you. I know, but once we get to know each other better would you? He says. I sense he is leaning close to me. Why would you want to marry a blind woman without legs? I ask. I love you, he says. How can you love me when you don't know me, I say irritably. I love what I do know, he replies. His hand touches mine; I feel it there warm and soft. how would you cope with me? And where would we live? I ask. I will engage a nurse at the start until your legs are healed and you can have artificial legs; we can buy a house in the country, he says convincingly. Are you saying this out of pity? No of course not, he says, I love you. He kisses my cheek; the first kiss since Clive kissed me last time the morning he left with his regiment and died in Dunkirk. I put my hand where Philip has kissed me. I can promise nothing, I say, staring into darkness, but maybe if things turn out as you say. As I speak my voice sounds far away.
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Jan 4, 2017
Jan 4, 2017 at 3:02 AM UTC
ANOTHER SORT OF KISS 1940.
Philip has come to wheel me around St James Park. I feel the warm sun on my face. He wheels me in silence along paths I cannot see; past people talking then we come to a stop. We're by the lake, he says. I can hear the ducks, I tell him. I move my hand along to my leg stumps and pull the blanket over them. Are you comfortable? He asks. Yes thank you, I reply. How are the leg stumps? He asks. Healing so I am told. I stare in the direction of his voice with my blind eyes. Good I’m glad, he says. There is silence for a while; I listen to the sounds around me. Grace I want to ask you something, he says. I turn towards where his voice is: what is it? I ask. Would you marry me? He says softly. Marry you? I say bewildered, you hardly know me nor I you. I know, but once we get to know each other better would you? He says. I sense he is leaning close to me. Why would you want to marry a blind woman without legs? I ask. I love you, he says. How can you love me when you don't know me, I say irritably. I love what I do know, he replies. His hand touches mine; I feel it there warm and soft. how would you cope with me? And where would we live? I ask. I will engage a nurse at the start until your legs are healed and you can have artificial legs; we can buy a house in the country, he says convincingly. Are you saying this out of pity? No of course not, he says, I love you. He kisses my cheek; the first kiss since Clive kissed me last time the morning he left with his regiment and died in Dunkirk. I put my hand where Philip has kissed me. I can promise nothing, I say, staring into darkness, but maybe if things turn out as you say. As I speak my voice sounds far away.
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116
As I turn my blind eyes to the sun(I feel its warmth), I think of the Degas paintings that Clive took me to see at a London gallery: the colours and the figures and the shades of blues and pinks. Now it is just a memory, and as I sit here in the hospital grounds in the wheelchair, I have a sudden panic knowing I will never see again, never see a rainbow or see a blossom or see the sunrise, and know that Clive will never come again, not since his death at Dunkirk, and that last kiss, that last time of making love, and I know I shall never make love again, and feel with my hands to where my legs used to be, and feel the bandaged stumps, and feel them there, my fingers moving over them. The sun is still warm on my head, and when I turn my face to the sun, I sense a kiss from a while ago, and will I kiss again? I ask myself and I want to know.
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Nov 29, 2016
Nov 29, 2016 at 7:53 AM UTC
EYES TO THE SUN 1940.
I am lifted by two nurses; (I hear them talk to each other) and stare at each in turn with my blind eyes, hoping they won't drop me. They lay me on a trolley, and then push me on the trolley past others, and voices and sounds coming and going. Where are we going ? I ask. To see Doctor Quinn, he wants to see how the leg stumps are healing, a nurse says close to me. How are my stumps? I ask. They seem to be healing quite well, a nurse says, but the doctor wants to see for himself. I lie quiet after that and we enter a warmer room, and I grab sounds as I pass trying to make a picture in my mind about where we are. We come to a standstill, and a man's voice says: ah, Miss Meadows, I am Doctor Quinn, I am here to examine your leg stumps to see how they are healing. I say nothing; I just nod my head, and wait. I sense his fingers unwrap the bandages, and I feel his fingers near my skin; he removes the bandages, and fresh air hits my skin. Yes they look fine, he says, his fingers touch me, lifts the stumps one after the other: I think we can soon decide about maybe artificial legs. Artificial legs? I say, imagining god knows what. You will need to learn how to walk again in a sense of course, he says, but it will come and we will have you on your feet again I am sure, he says, but it will be a time as there is a huge demand at the moment in wartime for them as you can appreciate, he adds, not giving me a chance to speak. Right nurse re-bandage fresh bandages, and keep the stumps clean. He goes and I lie there thinking and looking into darkness with a dumb stare.
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Oct 26, 2016
Oct 26, 2016 at 4:29 AM UTC
GRACE'S DUMB STARE 1940.
I am lifted by two nurses; (I hear them talk to each other) and stare at each in turn with my blind eyes, hoping they won't drop me. They lay me on a trolley, and then push me on the trolley past others, and voices and sounds coming and going. Where are we going ? I ask. To see Doctor Quinn, he wants to see how the leg stumps are healing, a nurse says close to me. How are my stumps? I ask. They seem to be healing quite well, a nurse says, but the doctor wants to see for himself. I lie quiet after that and we enter a warmer room, and I grab sounds as I pass trying to make a picture in my mind about where we are. We come to a standstill, and a man's voice says: ah, Miss Meadows, I am Doctor Quinn, I am here to examine your leg stumps to see how they are healing. I say nothing; I just nod my head, and wait. I sense his fingers unwrap the bandages, and I feel his fingers near my skin; he removes the bandages, and fresh air hits my skin. Yes they look fine, he says, his fingers touch me, lifts the stumps one after the other: I think we can soon decide about maybe artificial legs. Artificial legs? I say, imagining god knows what. You will need to learn how to walk again in a sense of course, he says, but it will come and we will have you on your feet again I am sure, he says, but it will be a time as there is a huge demand at the moment in wartime for them as you can appreciate, he adds, not giving me a chance to speak. Right nurse re-bandage fresh bandages, and keep the stumps clean. He goes and I lie there thinking and looking into darkness with a dumb stare.
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95
Guy and Philip are with me on the grass in the hospital grounds. I'm in a wheelchair, they are nearby. I hear them, but not see them with my blind eyes, but look in their direction. Take me? I ask. A car ride into the countryside for a picnic, Guy says. And where am I to go if the call of nature comes? I say. I'm sure there'll be a inn nearby or hotel for you to use, Guy says. And who will help me and carry me without my legs? I say, becoming annoyed. There is silence. Never thought of that, says Philip, touching my hand (I assume it is Philip). It is bad enough in here with nurses around to get attention and get there on time, let alone in some countryside, I say. Yes sorry about that, Grace, Guy says, back to the drawing board. Maybe we will have to settle for somewhere nearer, Philip says. St James Park is nearest, I say, there will be fine. They agree and we are silent for a few moments. How are you coping? Guy asks suddenly, leaning closer to me. Not easy being blind and without legs, stuck in hospital until I can find somewhere to live and a nurse or someone to help me, I say, looking in the direction of Guy's voice. The bombing has left a lot of people homeless, Philip says, maybe once your stumps have healed sufficiently you can stay at my place, I can arrange for a nurse or two to attend you. Live with you? What would people say to that? I say. As a guest, he says, all above board nothing underhand. I look towards his voice. We'll have to see how things go, I reply, thank you Philip. They talk of other things; I listen: talk of the War and bombings and Churchill's speeches and rationing and so on. I think of another life when I could dance and see and make love to Clive before his death at Dunkirk, and that last time we had *** and it was so hot, and now I feel utterly depressed that I can't be bothered to listen to the rest.
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Sep 22, 2016
Sep 22, 2016 at 3:55 AM UTC
NOT LISTEN 1940.
Guy and Philip are with me on the grass in the hospital grounds. I'm in a wheelchair, they are nearby. I hear them, but not see them with my blind eyes, but look in their direction. Take me? I ask. A car ride into the countryside for a picnic, Guy says. And where am I to go if the call of nature comes? I say. I'm sure there'll be a inn nearby or hotel for you to use, Guy says. And who will help me and carry me without my legs? I say, becoming annoyed. There is silence. Never thought of that, says Philip, touching my hand (I assume it is Philip). It is bad enough in here with nurses around to get attention and get there on time, let alone in some countryside, I say. Yes sorry about that, Grace, Guy says, back to the drawing board. Maybe we will have to settle for somewhere nearer, Philip says. St James Park is nearest, I say, there will be fine. They agree and we are silent for a few moments. How are you coping? Guy asks suddenly, leaning closer to me. Not easy being blind and without legs, stuck in hospital until I can find somewhere to live and a nurse or someone to help me, I say, looking in the direction of Guy's voice. The bombing has left a lot of people homeless, Philip says, maybe once your stumps have healed sufficiently you can stay at my place, I can arrange for a nurse or two to attend you. Live with you? What would people say to that? I say. As a guest, he says, all above board nothing underhand. I look towards his voice. We'll have to see how things go, I reply, thank you Philip. They talk of other things; I listen: talk of the War and bombings and Churchill's speeches and rationing and so on. I think of another life when I could dance and see and make love to Clive before his death at Dunkirk, and that last time we had *** and it was so hot, and now I feel utterly depressed that I can't be bothered to listen to the rest.
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111
Philip has come to the hospital and taken me out to the St James Park near Big Ben; (I was already dressed, one of the nurses dressed me). We're near the pond and ducks and swans, he says. I gaze to where he says and see only blackness through my blind eyes, but I hear people and voices and ducks. I'm in a wheelchair; he is sitting beside me on a bench. I feel his hand take mine: how are your legs? He asks. The leg stumps are painful, I say, they are some days more than others. He strokes my hand. What are you doing at the Foreign Office? I ask. Can't say, hush hush stuff, he says, what with the War on and that. I turn to where he is trying to give an impression of sight: do you really like me? I ask. Of course I do, he replies, wouldn't be here with you otherwise would I? I suppose not, I say. I feel his hand hold mine gently. Clive was like that holding my hand. But that was before we had *** and before he died at Dunkirk. Not just stringing me along are you? I say suddenly. I wouldn't do that, he replies, what makes you think I would or am? Just wondering what you see in a blind woman without legs, I say. I think I love you, Grace, he says, from that first time I saw you. Love me? I say surprised, staring through blind eyes at him, gathering each of his words into my mind. Yes, I do, he says, his voice more certain. How do you feel about me? he asks. I am unsure and look away into another darkness and say: haven't thought about that; I have been in such a state with the blindness and losing my legs, I haven't thought about anything else. He says: of course you have; I didn't mean to cause you more stress. He is silent and I hold his hand tighter not wanting him to go off. You are kind and have been so helpful to me and I should have thought about you, and I have, but feelings are such complicated things, I am in different world, I say. I shut up and I feel him kiss my cheek, and he says: it is fine. We sit and I hear ducks and people and his hand stroking mine.
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Jul 27, 2016
Jul 27, 2016 at 3:39 AM UTC
GRACE IN ST JAMES'S PARK 1940
Philip has come to the hospital and taken me out to the St James Park near Big Ben; (I was already dressed, one of the nurses dressed me). We're near the pond and ducks and swans, he says. I gaze to where he says and see only blackness through my blind eyes, but I hear people and voices and ducks. I'm in a wheelchair; he is sitting beside me on a bench. I feel his hand take mine: how are your legs? He asks. The leg stumps are painful, I say, they are some days more than others. He strokes my hand. What are you doing at the Foreign Office? I ask. Can't say, hush hush stuff, he says, what with the War on and that. I turn to where he is trying to give an impression of sight: do you really like me? I ask. Of course I do, he replies, wouldn't be here with you otherwise would I? I suppose not, I say. I feel his hand hold mine gently. Clive was like that holding my hand. But that was before we had *** and before he died at Dunkirk. Not just stringing me along are you? I say suddenly. I wouldn't do that, he replies, what makes you think I would or am? Just wondering what you see in a blind woman without legs, I say. I think I love you, Grace, he says, from that first time I saw you. Love me? I say surprised, staring through blind eyes at him, gathering each of his words into my mind. Yes, I do, he says, his voice more certain. How do you feel about me? he asks. I am unsure and look away into another darkness and say: haven't thought about that; I have been in such a state with the blindness and losing my legs, I haven't thought about anything else. He says: of course you have; I didn't mean to cause you more stress. He is silent and I hold his hand tighter not wanting him to go off. You are kind and have been so helpful to me and I should have thought about you, and I have, but feelings are such complicated things, I am in different world, I say. I shut up and I feel him kiss my cheek, and he says: it is fine. We sit and I hear ducks and people and his hand stroking mine.
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Just when you think your mind has accepted a situation, it betrays you, and asks: why have you lost your legs and are blind? And how will you cope and gives a picture of many mornings, when you will wake up, and see nothing again, never see a sunset or sunrise, never walk or dance again, and it brings you down and depresses you. When I wake up this morning, that is how it is, that numb darkness, that disorientation, that lostness. I hear footsteps on the ward, near my bed. Morning Grace, how are you this morning? Who are you? I ask. Sister Wellings, come to see how you are, she says. Depressed and fed up, I say, putting on a grumpy face, staring towards where I think she is. Not surprised at that, she says, I'd be depressed and fed up, too, if I lost my legs and was blind, but you are a fighter, Grace and will overcome this just give it time. How much time? I ask. I sense her hands move the bed covers back, and her fingers feel along the bandaged leg stumps. As long as it takes, she says, I was on a ward last month where we had soldiers wounded at Dunkirk. Did you? I say, my boyfriend died at Dunkirk. The thought wounds me, and I almost choke on the following words: we were going marry. O God, how sad and now this, she says, as her fingers take off the bandages. I feel her hands move over the stumps. They're healing well, she says, soon have the bandages off completely. I recall Clive touching my thighs, and his fingers moving over where she moves now. Then what? I say, can I have artificial legs? Of course, I expect in time, she says. I try to imagine walking on legs not mine, trying to balance and trying to imagine Philip watching me and wondering what he would think then, and would he then just be a man amongst men?
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Jul 22, 2016
Jul 22, 2016 at 2:24 AM UTC
MAN AMONGST MEN 1940.
Just when you think your mind has accepted a situation, it betrays you, and asks: why have you lost your legs and are blind? And how will you cope and gives a picture of many mornings, when you will wake up, and see nothing again, never see a sunset or sunrise, never walk or dance again, and it brings you down and depresses you. When I wake up this morning, that is how it is, that numb darkness, that disorientation, that lostness. I hear footsteps on the ward, near my bed. Morning Grace, how are you this morning? Who are you? I ask. Sister Wellings, come to see how you are, she says. Depressed and fed up, I say, putting on a grumpy face, staring towards where I think she is. Not surprised at that, she says, I'd be depressed and fed up, too, if I lost my legs and was blind, but you are a fighter, Grace and will overcome this just give it time. How much time? I ask. I sense her hands move the bed covers back, and her fingers feel along the bandaged leg stumps. As long as it takes, she says, I was on a ward last month where we had soldiers wounded at Dunkirk. Did you? I say, my boyfriend died at Dunkirk. The thought wounds me, and I almost choke on the following words: we were going marry. O God, how sad and now this, she says, as her fingers take off the bandages. I feel her hands move over the stumps. They're healing well, she says, soon have the bandages off completely. I recall Clive touching my thighs, and his fingers moving over where she moves now. Then what? I say, can I have artificial legs? Of course, I expect in time, she says. I try to imagine walking on legs not mine, trying to balance and trying to imagine Philip watching me and wondering what he would think then, and would he then just be a man amongst men?
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I am wheeled into the sunlight (being blind it is the sun I feel not see) and am placed on the grass. A voice says: I'll be back for you later Grace; if you need to *** call out. She is gone, and I am left to my darkness and sunshine's warmth. I reach down and feel along my thighs to where the leg stumps begin; bandaged up and feeling painful. I touch the end with my shaking fingers wishing I had my legs again and could dance with Clive one more, but he is dead in War's hold. I am here staring into blackness, hearing voices from afar, and a slight breeze ********* my hair. Philip was good to me at the dinner date, patient and kind, even when I was moody and tired and sensed others staring at me in the restaurant as I sat there propped up in my chair like some broken doll. Excuse me, a voice says to my right: what happened to you? How'd you lose your legs? I turn to gaze at the place of the voice, female, young sounding. Caught in a bombing in the Blitz, I say. Shame that; lost my house and my mum and dad and I was out at work, she says. Sorry to hear that, I say, wondering who she is and what she's doing here. Why are you here? I say. She gets nearer to me: got burnt when the jam factory I worked in got bombed and the fecking jam and sugar sprayed on us; some were killed, but I survived, she says. How awful, I say. I feel tired, and depressed, and wish to heck she'd go away.
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Jul 16, 2016
Jul 16, 2016 at 2:37 AM UTC
ANOTHER WOUNDED 1940.
We'd danced until late and the went off to some restaurant Clive knew and later a club still open then Clive walked me home as we stood outside looking at the night sky I said do you want to come in for coffee? you have coffee? he said yes a friend got it for me I said all right he said and we went in and had coffee and the we ended up in my bed after *** we lay there and he said about after the War we could marry Grace Grace are you awake? a voice says to my right I stare where the voice sounds yes I'm awake I say looking through blind eyes at darkness can I have a look at your leg stumps and give them a wash down? the voice says who are you? I say Nurse Rogers I've been away back today yes of course I say sensing her pull back the blankets and lift up my nightgown and unbandage the stumps I feel her cool soft hands against my skin it is ages since Clive did that to me rub my legs after *** sometimes before I muse as she removes the bandages and rubs the stumps how are they? I ask they are looking all right clean and no sign of infection she says I want it to be Clive doing that but he died in Dunkirk and lies elsewhere now sleeping the eternal rest so they say I muse tears coming to my eyes am I hurting you the nurse says no no I say just memories coming back of some one I loved who died o sorry about that she says so much death these days what with the War and bombing we had a lot in last night when they bombed the docks I say nothing I pretend it is Clive touching me his hands moving about my legs and thighs I sigh and wipe my eyes.
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Jul 9, 2016
Jul 9, 2016 at 3:46 AM UTC
THOSE DAYS OF TEARS 1940
We'd danced until late and the went off to some restaurant Clive knew and later a club still open then Clive walked me home as we stood outside looking at the night sky I said do you want to come in for coffee? you have coffee? he said yes a friend got it for me I said all right he said and we went in and had coffee and the we ended up in my bed after *** we lay there and he said about after the War we could marry Grace Grace are you awake? a voice says to my right I stare where the voice sounds yes I'm awake I say looking through blind eyes at darkness can I have a look at your leg stumps and give them a wash down? the voice says who are you? I say Nurse Rogers I've been away back today yes of course I say sensing her pull back the blankets and lift up my nightgown and unbandage the stumps I feel her cool soft hands against my skin it is ages since Clive did that to me rub my legs after *** sometimes before I muse as she removes the bandages and rubs the stumps how are they? I ask they are looking all right clean and no sign of infection she says I want it to be Clive doing that but he died in Dunkirk and lies elsewhere now sleeping the eternal rest so they say I muse tears coming to my eyes am I hurting you the nurse says no no I say just memories coming back of some one I loved who died o sorry about that she says so much death these days what with the War and bombing we had a lot in last night when they bombed the docks I say nothing I pretend it is Clive touching me his hands moving about my legs and thighs I sigh and wipe my eyes.
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