He chose you.  I hope you know how lucky you are. I tried so hard to be it for him -- hell, I wanted it to be him so badly -- but I just never was.

Don't worry, even though you have no reason to. I know my place, and so do you.

He loves intensely. Fully. As compelling as the moment you first saw him and it felt as if the stars finally aligned in your favor. As strong as the gush of wind whenever it storms. As overwhelming as holding his heart in your hands. As powerful as the waves that meet the shores. As hard as I stupidly fell for him. Am falling. But trying to let go of.

So when you doubt that love... Just don't.

Don't be bothered when he replies a few hours too late, just be glad that he makes time for you. Don't act affected when he puts his other responsibilities before you, it's just that he's always been an overachiever. He's so used to juggling everything on one hand that he forgets he has yours to hold through it all. Swallow your pride, and accept that he will always be occupied. Don't compare yourself to his past lovers, or the other girls, including I, who are so gone for him. You aren't competing with shadows anymore.

I wish I could call him mine, but he's all yours to adore. It's you, and it will always ******* be you.

And I hope you know he loves playing chess. Half the time he devotes to studying is actually spent playing that geeky game. Tease him about it because you love seeing him smile. He drinks ridiculously copious amounts of alcohol but he'll never admit to it. He eats food off the floor. He denies his crazy ways since he just wants to bicker with you about something. He says the quirkiest statements but appreciates it when you let out your peculiar side with him. He'll never let you open your door on your own. He'll wait for you. Always. He claims he's shy, but God knows he could charm anyone's pants off.

Do me a favor: *don't be afraid of loving him, and the love he could give.

Watch out for weak-minded people
that pray on the weaker,
to feed their hunger
for self esteem.
to build them-self up
to be something they are not
for they lack human nature,
rely on selfishness
to guide their decisions.  
The lead people  to dead ends
just so they can advance
they hate change and
unless its their improvement
these people will drain you
there thoughts will consume you
and soon you will be a shadow of your existence.

My hope is gone,
I don't feel very strong ,
Making it work always seems wrong,
Sitting in a room where I feel I don't belong,
Trying to understand where I went  wrong,
What am I hearing those voices in the air,
They're always telling me to be very scared,
I look around the room but there's nobody ever there,
Lonely and afraid that I'll never see the happiness of a day,
The cold room is Damp,
Theirs a smell in the air,
I try to figure out how I even got here,
I stop and I think,
Then I realized,
I put myself here.

I've been silent for hours
I don't wanna talk to anyone
Talking to them would be useless
Talking to them means I have to care
But I'm done caring.

A little girl grew up too fast
drowning in secrets of the present and past.
Left with scars both visible and unseen,
voiceless and powerless to stand up and be who she should've been.

For all the gold in the world may be at my feet, why is it I am still unhappy?
For all the silver spoons I use to eat,
Why is it I am still unhappy?
For all the dresses I have to make every girl in my kingdom pretty,
Why is it that I long for more?
Maybe, I don't long for more but, I long for less, and less is in the disguise of more.

there is a dog
that barks
with such a
   hoarse,
   unhappy whimper

I only hear it
   from a distance
and wonder
what it wants
to say

Call #1:
I was excited. I was going to tell you about the new friend I'd made. She sits next to me in rehearsal and has a pretty laugh. And the girl two seats over who had long hair and funny jokes. Or the blonde on my right who had great music taste and a contagious smile. As soon as we had a break, I dialed your number. It rang three times, you didn't pick up.

Call #2:
We'd just finished rehearsal. I turned my phone back on, no new messages. But I wanted to tell you about our conductor with the sarcastic comments and the irrelevant analogies. I was going to tell you about the breakfast buffet or the church campus we were on. I dialed your number, it rang three times. You didn't pick up.

Call #3:
You called back! The conductor was calling us back inside, our break was already over. We exchanged mutual apologies and goodbyes. I promised I'd call back in a half hour. And I did.

Call #4:
We were finally out for lunch, I dialed your number. It rang three times. You didn't pick up.

Call #5:
I shouldn't have bothered. I had nothing left to tell you. I just wanted to hear your voice. I dialed your number. It rang three times. You didn't pick up.

Call #6:
It's dinner time now and I don't want to eat. I know it's late where you are and you're probably busy. This time I even stopped to listen to your voicemail greeting. It wasn't the same. I sat through dinner waiting for my phone to flash with a message, a missed call, a voicemail. Something to show you still cared.
And it did. I eagerly flipped my phone over, it wasn't from you.
I spent that day clinging to the hope that maybe you'd call, maybe you'd remember. You promised.

Call #7:
It's after midnight. I'm on the balcony. The air is cold and I'm crying. Even if you'd called, what could I have said? Would I tell you my ex girlfriend is a dropout? That my insomnia's come back? That I nearly fainted during rehearsal, or that I was actually proud of myself for only having four nervous breakdowns?

The one time I felt like I needed you most, you weren't there.
I waited all day for a call that never came.

I was going to leave a voicemail, on that last call. I had climbed onto the railing, looking down at the street. I wondered what would **** me first: the fall to the ground, or a broken heart. I called again. It didn't even ring.

If you'd answered...
Maybe I would've told you that I'd twisted my ankle when I finally came down from that railing. Maybe I would've told you that I couldn't eat at all that day because I was too hurt. I could barely fight the tears hard enough to choke back a glass of water. Maybe I would've told you how everyone stared when I spilled my coffee because I couldn't even see straight. Maybe I would've told you how stupid I felt that I was even crying over you. You're a friend, nothing more- so why the hell do I care so much?
Maybe I would've told you. But I didn't. You broke your promise.

And maybe I'm obsessive, maybe I'm annoying. But I called seven times, and on the last it didn't ring.