I hear a song and it takes me back
Back to a time when I was young
I didn’t realize it, but I was so free back then
I didn’t care about what people thought
The smoke in my lungs and the wind in my hair
Cruising down the interstate
I was young, wild and free!

just keep telling yourself
everything happens for a reason
in hopes that
the numbness
and longing
for connection
fades
i was stupid for thinking you could help me with that problem

I think she was always sad
I know this from the way she shut herself in.
Called me her home.
Never acknowledge how we were a part of a bigger hole.

I think she was always different
I know this from the way she pruned her imperfections.
Called me her cage.
Never said what made her hide herself away.

I think she once loved her brother
I know this from the way once came inside.
Called him in.
Never described him with distaste.

I know she will one day be okay
I think this because I can't take away the thing I once caged.
Called her human.
Never will be able to take away her pain.

when she tucks herself in-
under the fabric of her duvet
she forgets about her
unwritten essays-
as she is immersed in the
blue light of her phone-
she allows the pixels of
his face to seep into her own-
absorb in to her brain
until there is no room for
anything else-
and the clock races past two and
she lets it
she knows its only Monday
purple shadows cloud the skin under
her tired eyes but she can't stop
talking talking talking
the adrenaline of a notification
is too much -
the idea of sleep is put to rest-
at least not while he's awake-
now he's tired of her
he wants space
she's obsessing
he dissolves himself into the internet
away from her digital touch
to be disconnected

call ended.

Young teenage girl
She thinks she is in love at age 17
She is very kind
Heart like gold
Innocent thinking no boy can ever hurt her
She was wrong
She went through something she thought she can never get out of
She was scared
This boy broke the way she viewed herself
Because to him she was nothing
She was only pleasing to the eye
But not to be in love with emotionally
She now lives with the thoughts of how awful he was
He won't ever think about how he broke her
With his comments
With his actions
She cried in her room for hours
Afraid of everything
Thinking all men viewed her as nothing
But pleasing to the eye
She was just trying to be happy
If he was so unhappy with himself
Or if he knew he wasn't suitable for a girl like her
Why did he date her
Why did he not express to her his intentions in the first place
But no instead he decided to date a happy
Loving
Innocent women
Only to break her
You didn't deserve her
No apology can fix her
You did what you did
Now leave her alone
You are just upset she didn't feed into what you wanted
You made it hard for her to even let another man love her
But no you can go move on with your love life like normal
Because you don't live with any pain
Because she wasn't a hurtful person
But she met someone
A man that was willing to be patient with her
Knowing what she went through
He spent time loving her
Even if she wasn't very comfortable even with a hug
But no he loved her
She got what she deserved all along
A loving man
That is devoted to her
That will give her the entire world if he could
That would make sure she would never go through any pain
Ever again...

468 days till I'm out of this place
468 days till I graduate
468 days till I'm out of this space
468 days till I escape

This place that brought me rules to follow
This place that brought me expectations to exceed
This place that brought me wishes to fulfill
This place that brought me dreams to give up

This place that consistently tells me that I must act prim and proper
This place that consistently tells me that I must have perfect grades
This place that consistently tells me that I must be involved in activities
This place that consistently tells me that I must stand out

Stand out
Stand out but not in bad way
Let your voice be heard, but don’t speak too loud
Show your curves, but not too much because that degrades you
Be smart, but don’t be nerdy, dorky or quirky

This place that brought me tests every other week
This place that brought me heartaches and headaches
This place that brought me back stabs and betrayal
This place that brought me all nighters to makeup for my lazy group mates

This place that consistently tells me that I must not ***** up
This place that consistently tells me that I must not waste my time
This place that consistently tells me that I must not have too much fun
This place that consistently tells me that I must not have infatuations

Infatuation
Infatuation is just an observation with a cost
Love your friends but don’t get too close
Have hobbies but don’t waste too much time doing them instead of studying
Befriend everyone but not with any guys

This place that brought me tears
This place that brought me fears
This place that brought me cries
This place that brought me lies

But i might miss this

468 days till im going to miss this place
468 days till i graduate
468 days till i miss this space
468 days till i miss this place i underrate

This place that brought me inside jokes and goofy smiles
This place that brought me song lyrics and theater performances
This place that brought me fundraisers and field trips
This place that brought me late night conversations on calls

This place that constantly reassures me that I am not useless
This place that constantly reassures me that I am not what others define me as
This place that constantly reassures me that I am not unworthy of what i tried so hard to achieve
This place that constantly reassures me that I am doing well for someone who’s only seventeen

Seventeen
Seventeen might be too young
Too young but i know what i feel is real
All the nights talking about everything about nothing
The birthday gifts we shower each other with

This place that brought me happiness
This place that brought me those brown eyes and freckles on his smile
This place that brought me boys now we call ex
This place that brought me valuable lessons

This place that constantly reassures me that I don’t need man to be happy
This place that constantly reassures me that I am beautiful no matter what others think
This place that constantly reassures me that I will be alright
This place that constantly reassures me that I will be ready for when I leave

Leave
All we ever talk about is leaving
Run away, as far away from home
Can’t wait to get out, but soon I would look for every excuse to return
Just wanna run away but keep coming back to this place

This place

This place that brought me memories
This place that brought me laughter and joy
This place that brought me friends and love
No other place like this

I have thought hundreds of poems about you and you have sprayed my name across a town
We have talked throughout the nights and dreamt the days away
And my heart has melted every time your eyes lit up when you said my name

I have missed you so much that it hurts
Wished me away to that **** small town you're trapped within, the one that you longed to get out of, that you clung away from until you no longer existed

And I hate what it did to you

How it got you to color everything black and white,
Got you to stare throughout the nights and sleep the days away
Until your eyes no longer shined of wild dreams and hope
Until you no longer said my name

And if I had been brave enough, if you had let me, I would have taken you away from there,
I would have saved us,
before you became that stranger

And now you will always be the one who could have been but never will be

hey, everything will be alright.
don’t need to smoke secretly anymore
no need to cry in the bathtub,
and try to drown yourself everytime.
you will be happier, believe me.
noone will look at you differently,
they accept you now,
no need to cry after school anymore.
little one, no need to cut your hair off
believing that it will bring you luck.
you don’t need those sleeping meds
soon enough your insomnia will flee.
no more vomiting after every meal,
you will accept your body eitherway,
and you will love it more each day.
be strong, past me.
your depression won’t go away, im sorry.
there are no more summer rains
that you could dance in.
i still like sky ferreira, i swear.
you will bring peace to yourself,
with your big heart and tough soul.
no need to bleed for every little mistakes.
i promise you, right now, i am better.
little one, look at me.
you only have future you as a role model.
for you, i changed
please, no more sadness, no more blood
i swear, it gets better.

IT CHANGED EVERYTHING
IT CHANGED EVERYTHING

Random, primal, and perilous is life,
I a spring leaf falling with the breeze,
Day of Chaos, then adrenalin slashing strife,
Intense hidden desires, No, NO, no, I wheeze,

Impossible, shame, self-destruction, I lose,
Chains, despair, tears abound, run, run, run
Love and desire, too much I choose,
****** skin seeping, while weeping in the sun,

Desiring life, longing for love and honor,
Was a sudden insane flash, and the loss of one,
befell the other,
no longer, ever, am I my father’s son,

This foggy frozen life, cannot I endure,
My soul in chains, hand with knife,
a foolish endeavor, as the devil’s lure,
Yes dead, zombie, goodbye sinful life,

Copyright © Jim Wiggins | Year Posted 2017