If someone would've told me last year,
that I'd be where I am now,
and that this year would change my life forever,
I probably wouldn't have believed you.
And I know what you're probably thinking.
"This whole virus has changed everyone".
But that's not what I'm talking about.
I was a germaphobe and anti social before the pandemic.
What changed my life was the loss of two friends.
They were 22 and 23.
One took his life on March 16th.
The other took his life on June 1st but passed away on the 2nd.
Both went the same way,
but knew nothing about the other.
Both shared in the same struggled,
but had no idea that someone else who understood was out there.
After their deaths,
I realized my life was forever changed.
The word suicide broke my heart anytime I heard it,
and it just brought back the pain of what I wasn't able to prevent.
I take depression more seriously now.
I've started asking people if they are okay,
to the point that it's probably annoying.
But I can't help it.
I've started wanting to just help others.
I think every day that if I could just save one person,
my life would be complete.
I just want to help someone.
I think about who I was a year ago,
and how she had no idea what would happen,
to the boy she met in middle school,
or the guy she had just become friends with.
I think about how innocent she was,
to not know this pain.
How lucky she was,
to not have this hole in her chest.
But I also think of how blind she was,
to the way others felt.
And how I will never be blind like her,
ever again.
If you are thinking of taking your own life or hurting yourself in any way, please stop and ask SOMEONE for help. I don't know you, but I love you and I want you to know that you matter. After losing my friends, I realized how much hurt comes after a suicide. When someone who is hurting takes their own life, the pain doesn't go away. It just gets passed on to everyone who ever loved them. Please... I beg you.. don't leave this world. Keep breathing. If I could go back in time and tell my friends any thing I would tell them they are loved and I'd beg them to stay alive. But I can't... so I watch their families struggle with the pain they left behind...I can't imagine what they feel, because I know just as a friend the pain is so unbearable some days. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. And although I'm hopeful that my new found pain can help someone who is struggling, I'd do anything to get my friends back. To see their smiles again. To hear their dumb jokes and goofy laughs. I just want them back on this earth.
