Written here lies Death
Stolen from thorny bed
To ohcre hills supreme
Listen, Hark his corny scream.

Where ist thy rest
Thy nest
Thou bubonic plague
Thou quenchless drought
Thou fierant rage

Speaks silent midst of hill
Least silent under my windowsill

Aught but light takes this cheery gill
Not Death’s wide spread
Despite it’s fevered ill
In many minds doth overtake
In simple minds, an earthquake.
But gathered in our princely arms..
Big F You to these ailing qualms.

I feel like there's a shard of glass puncturing my heart sinking deeper and deeper, with each resurfaced memory it bleeds more and more. I wonder if I'll ever stop crying, if this longing to talk to you, the desperation to make you change your mind will ever go away. I still love you, I wish I didn't. I want to forget, I would even settle for being numb but I feel things on a grand scale and I can't tie every memory of you into a box like I want to. You want to be my friend but when did you stop wanting to be my lover? I know deep down this is for the best but I don't know if I can live with this ache, this pain. I want to overcome my demons but this weight on my chest makes it hard to breathe, I'm drowning. I want you to love me again, please. I can't believe that you could just stop loving me just like that. What about everything we shared, everything we've been through?  I know you have your demons too but I'd help you if you let me. Reality is, we just weren't working out together anymore. You weren't my perfect fit for right now anymore. Somewhere along the way we lost touch, too consumed by our own problems. I let my guard down and you gave up. I'm in pieces, doing my best to pretend to be okay even though it feels like you're stabbing me every time you refer to me as your friend. I don't want to be your friend.  I don't think I can be your friend. I want to love you. But I can't. I know I have to love myself first but right now all I feel is pain. You caused it. You've dragged me down to hell and left me to face it on my own. Why? Why did you do this to me? You always said you wouldn't be fine and although you cried and said it wasn't easy for you either it seems like you have no cares in the world. You don't love me. I wish I could say the same. Someday, in time, I'm sure I will. But right now I can't see past everything I'm feeling. It's New Year's Eve, I should be going out with my friends, having a good time, forgetting about you. I know you will be forgetting about me. You probably already have. But I can't do it, I can't face my friends and tell them why you're not there. I can't lose myself in the sweet surrender of alcohol like most people. I wish, I wish, I wish. But wishing is pointless. Tomorrow is a new day, the new year and I will learn to let you go. The day will come and I won't cry anymore. I'll think of you and everything we had and I'll be happy. I'll be happy without you. Thinking about you won't feel like having a gun pointed at my head. I'll get better and I'll move on and maybe we'll be okay again.  I just wish it wasn't so hard for me to feel okay now.

thorns lay down in my arachnoid
membrane, splintering my scalp at the mere
memory of anxiety-
splicing and slicing into my brain
drawing blood, swirling pools
killing me slowly
not all at once,
not all too quickly,
but miserably constant
in a stream that never empties
poisonous venom.

when I am barely there,
awake nearly and turn
back in toward sleep
all yellow-black
and
and when my brain twitches
dogwise
in the yellow-black motes and
it’s Sunday morning
in the place
where my brain is choosing sleep
in that place my brain it will
pivot
through the globe and scheme of all things
wheel and vector the whereabouts
of where about you might be
in its little globe and little scheme
and just there below sleep it will
pivot
about your smell
there where it seeps up--
it will pivot
about you,
for you are still
the music and fulcrum of my sleep

Put me in a chokehold and press my face into goose feather
Pillows
stained with mascara tears, acid rain rolling down translucent
Cheeks
glowing and painted with rouge the color of
Fire
hot in my heart and pumping to the furthest reaches of my
Limbs
bound and held captive by smooth black ropes leaving me
Helpless
to go against your will, I am at the mercy of games we
Play
rough and don't treat me like I'm fragile I'm not meant to
Break
down barriers and ascend stairs toward the gates of
Heaven
Is found in leather and lace, cuffs, safe words and
Submission
resonates with angel wings beating as drums

Magical, ethereal
A dark angel tip toeing on heart strings and violins
Smoke and mist and vapor dancing something ancient and secretive
A siren on the shore and a mermaid at the depths
Darkness and light incarnate
Effervescent, eternal
A black hole imploding, a star death
Beautiful and mysterious
Unending
Infinite, enticing, intimidating.
Perfection to the core, perfection in and outward

Tripping over his feet like so many shoelaces he danced clumsily
Calloused hands holding loosely onto the featherweight of my neglected body
Breath
alcohol tainted and stained with years of nicotine inhalation
raises goose flesh on the whole of my being
My vision is doubling
the dogeared books decorating the walls of his room
pristine white candles glowing hot and soft on the altar
wine glasses silently radiating with a deep maroon
He spins me slowly round
I imagine I look like the ceramic dancer
inside a music box
Inside a fantasy world all my own
My head is getting dizzy from the alcohol from the smokes from the movement
and I stumble
Everything round me slows to an unsure crawl as the world shifts horizontally
Hands grasp the air as my feet pinwheel
Flowing fabric floats away from my body
an angel falling
Mouth opens and a soft gasp is allowed
This happens within the seemingly unending seconds
between leaving the relative and drunken safety of his arms and
Cracking my skull upon the altar adorned in so much white flame
Everything stills and again
There is silence
I do not
hear his screams as my heartbeat matches that of a hymnal I used to sing in church and
I overflow with the memory
As my blood pools beautifully
Complimenting the darkness of the wine stained crystal
I imagine
The altar had been built for me
The corners of books folded to please my eye
The drinks the music the melancholy all exist for
My epilogue
My epitaph
My eternity

I have been drowning in my stream.
Sinking deeper, descending to the bottom.
Fighting upstream all these years to find my happiness,
While realizing happiness does not exist in calm waters.
Chaos still persists in my tranquility of life.
Blissfullness only happens within myself.  
Looking for the brightness inside my darkened childhood.
A pile up of abuse and sadness,
Is it possible for darkness and radiance to coexist?
As the stream ultimately drives me to its foundation.
Grounded in the dark chilled soil.
My roots live in this mud.
Established here, this is who I am.
Rising up above, as I feel my freedom of inner peace soar above the hardships of life.
Traveling to water's surface.
All this time struggling to swim against the currents.
Searching for a fictitious serene place that only existed in my imagination.
I am no longer swimming to obtain peace.
I am accepting my essence planted in this stream.
Centered and ingrained to the life I was chosen for.
Gazing up as I comfortably hover up to the sun rays.
Beams piercing underneath sensing the heat of happiness  
Reaching the top, enlightened paradise waiting for me.
Opening my petals one by one; my process is slow and intricate.
The bright cloudless sky above me, soaking in the stillness.
Basking in this moment.
Until the dark sky falls upon me.
I restore myself below the surface, back to my roots.
Until a new day, a rejuvenated mind, another rise to the surface.
Experiencing joyfulness with each blossoming petal.
Embedded in my mud of life, finding delight regardless of where I am rooted.
Understanding that harmony is internally created by me.
Discovering my inner peace within the darkness I come from.
I am me, complicated yet simple.
Universal, yet rare
Fragile, yet strong
Broken, yet beautiful.
I am a lotus

© Jl 2015

Existing in this infinite stream.
Observing the towering waterfall above me.
Seeking a peaceful habitat,
liberation and re-birth anywhere except here.
This excessive baggage I bear,
fighting against the current.
Wondering why I started at the bottom of this waterfall,
while others, at the top.
Detained by unrelenting forceful water,
drowning me to the shadowed ground.
Rubble marking and defacing my skin.
Hiding and scared from the revolving threats.
Burdened by understanding my surroundings.
Currents throwing me around with availability.
Examining the colors of life sparkling through the reflection of my water.
Trapped in chaos,
Starved for happiness,
Losing hope in this dark stream.
One day I will see the calm sunlit waters,
I will swim past this abuse.

© Jl 2015