It was fun for a while, but the fun just started to seem like everyone was covering up the empty feelings
But in the meantime I was thinking this was going to be the beginning of my healing
Somewhere deep down in my black heart of a soul
Are years of built up anger and untold secrets that have yet to unfold
I've started bad habits to keep all these feelings under control,
But keeping all this in, is just getting really old
I've tried counseling I've tried talking it out, but I still end up back to the same bad habits
They try to preach that cheesy **** saying my good days are so close i can almost grab it
Dang
Im just sitting here thinking things will never change
And that I'll continue to stay the same
Angry , unwanted , and often forgotten
Just someone on the side lines, who is not seen playing with others often
People like to pretend like they care ,
But then are often never there
Where was everyone in that tragic hour
I guess it was just easier to send some flowers
It's times like these when you start to build hate for people
When they pull **** like this, there intentions for being your friend just seem evil
Yea to you this statement might seem overly dramatic
But seriously where the **** was everyone when my family was in a confused panic
M. mother ******* I. A.
That's where the **** y'all were
Just going about your day , while we're crying for HER
But it's cool I knew know one would be there
Cause I've noticed that people are really bad at pretending to care
So Yes I am Angry and yes I feel unwanted and forgotten, and yes I will stay sitting on the sidelines because I refuse to play with souls that are ******* rotten

What can you do if your own head doesn't make sense
the silence maddening to sit through and the cacophony of every day leaving inside your mind an unholy stench
It feels like there's in my head next to the iPad a ******* monkey wrench
I guess I don't understand anymore what's going on why can't this make sense
Unless I write my head will snap open and the scars will be visible
But sometimes even among most of my friends I can't help but feel invisible
Ridiculed and the things I helped bring become dead and forgotten
God it's like I'm listening to myself give a review on that site with tomatoes that are rotten
I'm not scheming or plotting just looking for that lighthouse in the fog
Because I can't find inspiration in this mental planet of smog

I sit on the rooftop looking down. I look at my feet that dangle before me, traffic lights, cars and other motorists buzzing by, a mom pushing a stroller, kids frolicking in the grass because a new season has begun. I ponder about life itself. How can something be so excruciatingly invested in its own beauty but yet so atrocious at the same time? The daily news covers so much corruption throughout mankind but yet the view on the rooftop displays what is at peace with the world.

I feel as though we are governed by society, a caricature of how things should be and in this way some of us have grown to be cruel. One violently attacks another because of their religious beliefs, ****** orientation, physical appearance and race for reasons that i can't wrap my brain around. In this life, being different has become the elephant in the room, a label where society rears its ugly head.

It's upsetting how quickly some are to point fingers and publicly ridicule another without trying to put themselves in the victim's shoes. And maybe that's why I strive to be honest and embrace my difference. I feel for those who believe they are neglected by society and need to change who they are in order to fit in.          
       On the rooftop, i look for signs of humanity.

Fear, pain and rage
Go into the words on this page

Of blood spilt
The lack of guilt

You hate this
You hate that

Grab a gun
Pull the trigger

People die
People cry

The world won't change
Life is a game

Pray you don't die
Tell yourself that lie

Sad isn't it
To be ruled by hate

To destroy and smother
Others

Blood on the street
But no ones cleaning

Hiding behind the scenes
On computer screens

Opinions flow
But they will never

Fill the holes
In hearts or the dead

America please
End this disease

The crass
This **** act

Love is love
Stop this violence

No more silence
Screaming sirens

Begging
For this pain to end.

And I can be that woman.
I can be the person you want me to be,
But I will have to refuse that offer.

I could be the mother of your children,
Or your daughter at that,
But today I must refuse,

And step into my little box of nothing
And create a little world of my own.

I will carve a life out of the skins of the air surrounding us,
While holding on to the loneliness I choose to be in.

Therefore, I cannot accept,
Whether this is a gift or a curse or however you see it,
For there is a day for me to roam,
And a night for me to swim through.

Today, I refuse your offer.
For I have a life that I'm meant to pilot,
And no one can fly these wings but me.

outgoing?
I'd say outspoken
never been arbitrary
or overbearing-
just vocal

my passion runs deep
and pours out
excited
overflowing
when it finds
another soul to share it with

the energy
others direct towards me
I absorb
and like a mirror
reflect it back towards them

the energy
that rests inside me
is like water
waiting
for an outside force
to heat me up
excite
my molecules
or
to cool me down
mellow
the chaos inside me
making me stable
making me solid

if being an extrovert
makes me
popular and
domineering,
a fun-loving,
party animal
who lacks introspection,

tell me why
I always choose
to isolate myself

why
my few friends I do have
I keep at a distance
except when I force myself
to enjoy their company
once or twice
in a year

why
I am easily talked over
my words drowned out
ignored
like background noise
my input
apbrubtly halted
as others drive over it
making it no more
than the dust
their tires kick up
why I let them
talk over me
rather than raise my voice

why I would rather
read in solitude
than go to a party
or play a video game
rather than socialize
why
would I choose
to ponder existence
over
existing with others

extroverted
means I get my energy
from external events
rather than the internal

I am not a synonym
for gregariousness

Circling through this cavity I call a cranium
Cycling this radioactive water like uranium.

Splash a bit of color on this canvas called life.
Watch it jump out at you like bumps in the night.

Rattling fragment sentences with no complete thoughts.
Franticly thinking stupid, stuttering, ramblings, till I see dots.

Visions come quickly to my sanity bouncing back from reality.

Grasping onto my love for this one girl, is driving my life down in this porcelain swirl.

Sit back, relax, and drink this karma.

Her lips were so bitter sweet, dana could have made my heart skip a beat.

Fall asleep eyes, all night you have fought,
Keep your hostel mind at ease, hello deep thoughts....

Dear C,
For the last week
I've been feeling down
I didn't believe anything
And no conclusions could be found
And all I could think
is " what if life has no meaning?
what if the universe just wastes space?
what's the meaning of the human race?"

But somehow
inexplicably
listening to you rant on the bus home
about how your Harvard-trained substitute
"Can't ******* teach"
somehow
unexplainably
made my day
a little brighter
and pushed the system in my mind out
like the month-long rainstorm that just ended yesterday
I guess listening to someone vent
when you feel pent up
can make you feel a little more free

so thank you