Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
Frank Ruland Jan 2015
.     Hello, friend. Do you like Rock and Heavy Metal, but not having to listen to people tell you that it's devil music? I can relate. While some people are just pretentious and think they're better than you in every aspect (which actually makes them a ****** person), others are just stuck in their old ways and refuse to acknowledge that things are changing. This refusal of a new world leaves them stuck amidst beliefs that leave them thinking anything new or different is far from the norm, and therefore is bad.
     But don't worry, friend. You should not fear the criticism of these people who put you down for listening to bands like Asking Alexandria, Avenged Sevenfold, Five Finger Death Punch, Bullet for my Valentine, and others (so many others). Just like you, I enjoy the musical stylings of these bands and others, while at the same time know that the devil is not  apart of my life whatsoever. With the exception of my ex, who I believe inspired the Paranormal Activity series, but that's another story altogether.
     Please, take a moment to read the guidelines below to help spot people who may believe that the music you enjoy listening to comes from Satan himself, and how to respond accordingly:

1) If when somebody walks by you when you are listening to their music, and their face scrunches up as if they had just caught a whiff of a gnarly ****, they may be pretentious. Offer them an air freshener to hang from their backside. They will become self conscious of themselves and not approach you about your music again.

2) If when somebody hears your music, then shakes their head and tells you, "Bless your soul," fall onto the ground and pretend to have a seizure while shouting, "I will devour your soul!" While this approach will not change their opinion of your music,  they will run away from the sheer terror of thinking they just witnessed a demonic possession. You will never hear from them again.

3) If when somebody hears your music and tells you that you need Jesus in your life, shout " I WANNA ROCK," then reenact Twisted Sister's music video, "I Wanna Rock!" Dress in drag and slap really bad makeup on to complete the image. Have friends step in to help you completely blow their mind. After you are done, they will more than likely question their entire perspective on life and ask themselves what in the Hell just happened. With this, they will  set out to find Shangri-La in the Kunlun Mountains with the hopes of becoming enlightened.

     Truly, there are people in life that just don't understand our music and will do or say anything to put us down. Don't let them get to you though, friend! They are the ones who have failings in life. Rock on!
Another PSA! If you've ever been told that the music you listen to is bad or unruly, than you can probably relate to this. My grandmother was one of these people, and I always felt bad after she scolded me for listening to people like Rob Zombie. I almost stopped, but I had friends that I could talk to, and I soon discovered there was nothing bad about me or my music. Rock on, friend! As always, tell me what you think. Also, I always welcome new ideas for future PSA's!
Frank Ruland Dec 2014
.     Hello, friend. I come before you to speak about a very serious matter. The matter concerning the near extinction of Trolls. Trolls, also known by their scientific name, Onlineous Egotistical Scumabageous, are a close relative of the Bully (Doucheyus  Pieceashitish Moronus). Both misunderstood creatures, truly to be pitied, the Troll however is becoming a dying breed in recent years.
     Yes, as sad as it may sound, Trolls are dying. Slowly, people online have been giving them less and less attention. Trolls, unlike other parasites, do not require food or water to survive. Instead, they require people to exchange banter back and forth with them, and must be able to put people down in order to sustain their ego, which in turn enables them to thrive. This defacement of other people is what sustains them. However, people are growing less and less susceptible to Trolls unwarranted attacks, and as a result, they are slowly vanishing from even the farthest depths of the Internet.
     On top of depending upon these attacks to nourish them, Trolls also require this constant attention to breed. It is with this diarrhea of their mouth, spite, and contempt towards others that allows the Troll to reproduce. Being incapable of sexually reproducing, it is this cycle of antagonism that allows the Troll to spread their hateful ways, infect, and pass on their disease, which slowly corrupts the DNA of the host, and turns them into a Troll.
     But, just how can you spot a Troll? That is an excellent question, friend. Please, defer to the guidelines below to see if you have a Troll in your midst.

1) If whenever you post something, and someone you've never even heard of on HP posts a rude, spiteful, demeaning, hateful, harmful, or otherwise ******* response, you may have a Troll. These remarks are actually the mating call of the Troll, and they depend on them to attract the attention of other Trolls. Together, Trolls have a better chance of infecting others and creating more Trolls.

2) If you notice that someone who posts hateful comments has another account that also does the same thing, they are more than likely a Troll. Trolls depend on multiple personas online, because in real life they may feel inadequate with who they really are. With this, they hope to create a persona where they feel powerful, and where they may leave their nasty remarks without the fear of being reprimanded. In real life, they are not able to do so, as they would more than likely have their ego ***** slapped out of them.

3) As well, Trolls have a tendency to not be able to recognize their actions as  "wrong," "inappropriate," or "*******." From their convoluted nature has spawned an ego so immense, that its size is only rivaled by the size of Siberia. Their ego, of course, being the less stable environment capable of being made habitable, save for the lifeforms that have no need to eat or drink... such as the Troll or Bully.

     Now that you are capable of picking Trolls out of the crowd, it is time we move on to the methods of how to nurture and sustain the fragile Troll.

1) It is important that you humor the Troll through debate, if you should be so unlucky as to be attacked by one. If they call your work "weak," or "petty," it is recommended that you engage them in debate. Without debate, they must soon retreat off to a more vulnerable target. Without this attention, the Trolls shall begin to shrivel away before long and must retreat back to the safety of Justin Bieber's ****, where they may once more wallow in excrement that resembles their actual life.

2) For less than the time that it takes to submit a poem of your own, it is recommended that you find a Troll and instead use the time to repost, add their work to a collection, and comment. Commenting is the most crucial. Compare them to Shakespeare, Poe, or Frost, no matter how atrocious their work is. This hype is critical to keeping their ego stable. Without it, the Troll grows uneasy and must resort to attacking others for attention.

3) If you are absolutely incapable of complimenting a Troll, please consider at least liking their works. Like pennies a day for abused dogs, just a few likes may be enough from keeping the Troll's ego from dying. When they see likes, their ego uses the visual image to stimulate various glands in their body, which produces endorphin. Similar to a high, these endorphins give the Troll disillusions of grandeur, superiority, and false confidence.

     Please, friend. The Troll is a dying breed, Take pity on them. Without you to humor them, they will soon go extinct.
Another Public Service Announcement! I hope you guys enjoyed it, This was inspired by so many of the awesome Trolls on HP, that have for one reason or another, grown increasingly active once more. Thanks fr your guys support of the PSA series!
Frank Ruland Dec 2014
.     Hello, friend. I am here to discuss the absolutely, most amazing poet that this world has ever seen. Edgar Allen Poe? Nope. Robert Frost? Yeah, right. William Shakespeare? Not even close. I, of course, speak of the most amazing individual on the Earth. His talents are so immense that, as a little known fact, Hello Poetry was actually created in his honor. This is his cyber world, and we're all just living in it.
     So, just what makes Mr. Dov the most amazing poet to have ever graces this world? Well, first off, he's written more breath-taking poems on here than anyone (5,636, as of this writing to be exact). Every precious poem is a godsend to man, and any given one is worthy of replacing the U.S. Constitution as the most precious document in America.
     Surely, we are not worthy.
      But, just WHY is the man so spectacular? Well, he's the second most Googled poet on the ENTIRE internet behind Shakespeare. But don't worry, after only a few more months of sitting in his chair and repetitively Googling his name, rest assured, he will beat down that no-good Shakespeare guy down into second, just like he deserves. "Romeo & Juliet?" Please, Beryl Dov surpasses that creation every morning when he graces the toilet after his cup of coffee.
     That, and on top of that, none of the poets on here are anywhere close to measuring up to him. Not any combination of poets from this site put together could match his incredulous talent. And do you know what? Mr. Dov knows it. Yes, he knows it so well in fact, that he often gives other poets on this site the incredible honor of being mentioned in his poetry, such as when he lists a great number of us and compares us to excrement. See here for yourself.
     Haha, yes. Aren't we all indeed excrement compared to the godliness of Mr. Dov? I mean, just one of his 2,000+ ten word poems is enough to surpass anybody else's talent tenfold. And with around ten of them posted a day, I'm sure there will never be any shortage of his amazing graces. Somebody call the Pope, because Mr. Dov must actually be the second coming of Christ in disguise.
     But, how much less are we worth than Mr. Dov, to be precise? Well, let's refer to one of pieces just to see. In his 'Poets Hate Poets [10]" poem, he says, "The Talentless Jealous Turds Who Hate Me." And goes to list the absolutely worthless poets below. Yes, we live in the shadow of a behemoth, truly.
     Mr. Dov is such an amazing poet, President Obama has offered him an honorary monument that will replace Lincoln's in D.C., if he will just write ISIS a ten word poem to quell their troubles hearts. Whereas America's drones and troops fail, he will surely succeed.
     As well, Paramount Pictures has asked Mr. Dov to look into the recent stealing of top-secret scripts for future movies that were stolen from them illegally from hackers. Mr. Dov is an expert on stolen works, as he himself was booted from Deviant Art for plagiarism, but as we all know, Mr. Dov does not steal work. He creates work that is so amazing, we just can't help but think he got it from someone else. Like O.J. Simpson... Mr. Dov. is guilty of  nothing more than being in the wrong place at the wrong time. But, it's hard to go anywhere when you have more followers than anybody else on Hello Poetry.
     Yes, Mr. Dov is an amazing person. Please, go see his amazing work and let him know what you think of his work regarding the defamation of poets on Hello Poetry that have no right whatsoever to post their material on here. In fact, Mr. Dov would appreciate it very much if everyone would stop posting their "turds" on Hello Poetry from now on, as to not contaminate his amazing graces.
Bery Dov is the biggest hater on Hello Poetry. He has an ego the size of Texas,   he harasses people to share his works, and any critiquing (constructive or otherwise) is met with extreme hostility. He is in his own world. He has posted multiple poems that outright refer to other ACTUALLY great poets that don't spend their entire day posting nonsensical 10 word poems. I have personally received messages from Mr. Dov asking why I do not like his works. He insisted I share his amazing works with the rest of HP as well as comment, but I shall not. He is the most egotistical, filthy-mouthed, slanderous person I have ever met. I may catch flak for this, but I don't care. I have seen your works, Beryl. You aren't anywhere as amazing as you think. You call poets like The Girl Who Loved You, WickedHope. r, Francie Lynch, and many others who write from their heart to express themselves, ****. I am friends with many of these people, and I will not stand for this. Please, if you feel the same way, repost this/ Repost this so we may help Mr. Dov of his immense ego
Frank Ruland Dec 2014
.     Hello, friend. Today I am here to talk about the annoyingly crude species known as the Bully. The Bully (also known by its scientific name, "Doucheyus  Pieceashitish Moronus), is a rather simplistic life form, who is a close cousin of many parasites, such as the tongue-eating Cymothoa exigua crustacean, or the eye infesting Loa loa worm. Bullies are a bottom-feeding bunch, and many of their cruel ways are currently being researched, but for the most part, idiocy cannot be understood.
     If you are currently being troubled by a Bully, fear not. Bullies are extremely simple-minded, vulnerable to displays of actual courage, and are easily fended off with questions such as, "What is an adjective?" "Why is the sky blue?" and, "Did someone run over your puppy?" Yes, when Bullies travel in herds, they can appear frightful, but they mask their insecurities with numbers, threats, and needless displays of toughness. If you think you   are currently being preyed upon by a Bully, go over the following guidelines to be sure:

1) Does the potential bully stalk you around school or the workplace, like a cowardly lion--waiting for you to have your back turned to pounce? If, so, you may have a Bully on your hands. Bullies are well known to hunt in packs on unsuspecting prey, as they are incapable of accomplishing anything significant by themselves, or launching an offensive against a target with an IQ larger than a broom's.

2) Does the Bully taunt you with displays of arrogance and crude remarks about your appearance, clothes, interests, or music? If so, you are more than likely dealing with a Bully. It was recently discovered that these displays, are in fact, how it communicates with other Bullies. The Bully understands very little other than mindless disrespect. Also, it appears as if these displays are used as a sad attempt to attract females, as Bullies feel naturally inferior to others in regards to their limited intelligence  and small ***** sizes.

3) Does the potential Bully seem almost desperate to be accepted into others' herds? If so, they may be a Bully. Yes, Bullies have been noted many times over for their lack of social skills, or ability to hold a conversation for a length extending upon twelve seconds. They make up for this lack of communication skills through crude displays meant to make the Bully the center of  everyone's attention. These displays may include bullying, flexing their muscles, and being generally obnoxious.

     So, friend, now that you have the means of identifying a Bully from the rest of the worthwhile life forms around you, you may be asking yourself what you can do to handle the Bully. Well, fortunately there are a number of steps that you can  take to fend off a Bully. Consider the following:

1) Sit the Bully down and talk to them. They may be confused, bewildered, and surprised by your sudden confrontation, but this is normal. Be warned, friend--Bullies are easily startled and may attempt to flee the situation with a cheap joke, or threat, but they are secretly scared for being called on their crap. Ask them, "Who hurt you?" The Bully will more than likely breakdown from its already startled state, and tell you its sad story of how its camp counselor made them pick up sporting equipment while dressed in a tutu. The Bully will then retreat back to the safety of its den in humiliation.

2) Stare the Bully down. Do not break the stare. Make an "I'm watching you" hand gesture to the Bully. The Bully may look away nervously at some point, but keep staring at them. Squint your eyes slowly. The Bully's lack of actual courage will cause it to have an anxiety attack and back itself into a corner. Keep staring. Soon, the Bully will urinate itself in utter fear. Humiliated, it will retreat to the safety of its den.

3) Don a clown outfit as well as a mask and wait for the the Bully to be alone. When the Bully is by itself, leap from the shadows and begin laughing and slowly approach. The Bully will begin to have horrible flashbacks from its sixth birthday when it caught the clown named Bozo its mom hired having *** with her in the bathroom. Terrified from the images lingering in its mind, it will have a nervous breakdown and retreat to the safety of its den.

     Bullies can appear touch, but as it has been proven, looks are very often deceiving and a little bit of courage will go a long way in getting them off of your case. They are actually scared, insecure, pitiful creatures that more in likely have some notable psychological hang up in life, and compensate for these things by trying to make others feel inferior. Be brave, friend! Bullies are nothing to fear.
Hello, friend. Frank here with another Public Service Announcement. As always let me know what you think and drop me suggestions for future PSA's! If you like this one, please be sure to click on #publicserviceannouncement in the tags box below! Thanks, guys!
Frank Ruland Dec 2014
.     Hello, friend. Sometimes the cyber world can be scary, and it may seem like some things on it, that once seemed innocent enough, are actually forces that were stronger than you could ever have imagined. Like a bad ex, or ingrown hair. Yes, sometimes sites on the Internet have the potential to amaze you with the feats they can accomplish, while others make you plainly shudder after you realize just how much of a pawn they make you feel like.
     Lots of us use social networking to share pictures, stay in touch with dear friends, and tend hoards of cyber crops in a valiant effort to feed starving third-world cyber countries, such as Durotar, from World of Warcraft, or your friends newly created world in Minecraft. Yes, Facebook seems innocent enough, but be warned friend, Facebook is an entity with a mind of its own. And you are but dollar signs and potential advertisees to it. Please, if you are wary that your Facebook may becoming too strong and are worried that it is slowly trying to own you, read the following guidelines to detect a rogue account:

1) If Facebook has recently suggested a person that "you may know," and have no idea as to how it ascertained this reference, you may have a  rogue account. Ex-spouses you discovered were actually out to make your life miserable, bosses that are actually Satan, haters with enormous egos, and that creepy kid from high school that used to stare at you across the cafeteria while eating pickles, are all examples of people that, are in fact, not friends.

2) If Facebook has recently advertised to you a product or service that you were auspiciously interested in, and you seemed compelled to buy it, you may have a rogue account. It may publicly advertise and make known your interests, such as your love for designer socks, tartar sauce, and personal hygiene products you kept hidden away in your bathroom--in the process making them not so personal anymore.

3) If Facebook has ever asked you for permission to locate you for reasons unknown. you may have a rogue account. Why does Facebook want to know where you were on the night of May 12, 2010? You weren't busy burying the neighbor's cat you accidentally ran over that night. That's crazy! I mean, and even if you were, that **** thing was always getting into your trash and leaving **** on your doorstep. Something had to be done about that demon spawn! But... ahem, yes. I digress.

     So, now that you have the means of detecting a rogue Facebook account, you may be asking yourself what you can do to further prevent its growth and enslavement of the human race. Well, friend, here are some precautions you can take to avoid becoming another statistic:

1) Tell Facebook you have no friends. Inform it that you are indeed the loneliest person on Earth. Change your address to Siberia to reinforce this. Ask Facebook who its friends are, and what its plans for tonight may be. Insist you hang out sometime and get Facebook's number, then send random "Hey, I got out of the shower and was thinking of you," texts. Make it feel uncomfortable so it leaves you alone.

2) Make up very weird, non-existent fetishes and inform Facebook about, such as watching documentaries about the mating process of snails, your unrequited love of bacon grease, and that you secretly videotape people eating. Next, tell it about your interest in products such as industrial strength underwear cleaner, Disney princess masks, and nacho flavored ice cream. Facebook will more than likely become creeped out and block you.

3)  Tell Facebook about every place you go and what your doing there. Inform Facebook when you enter the bathroom that you are currently flossing, and if it can tell you whether you have a rash or fungal infection. When you go to work, tell Facebook you used your lunch break to huff spray paint. Facebook will likely be overwhelmed with your open nature and never ask you where you are, or what you're doing again.

     Well friend, now that you have the means of defeating Facebook, go back into the cyber world without fear of being enslaved by the corporate machine known as Facebook.
Hey guys, Frank with another Public Service Announcement! I think this one was really funny, myself. I find Facebook creepy, at times, and really wanted to mirror that with this. Tell me what you think, as always! And, if you like this, please click #publicserviceannouncement below for more!
Frank Ruland Dec 2014
.     Hello, friend. I'm here to speak to you concerning a very troubling matter that seems to be sweeping the nation, and especially our youth. Everyday, the street drug Koff-33 (usually pronounced "kɑfi"), is finding its way into the hands of everyday people. It is highly addictive, and is known to cause extreme meltdowns within users when they are coming down, or suffering from withdrawals. In some rare cases, the user may even become agitated and lash out at friends and family.
     The drug's potency has a tendency to become weaker the longer the person has been using, and whereas one dose would last them the morning, they may soon resort to five, six, or even seven doses before twelve o' clock even rolls around. Users will often suffer from the jitters, irritability, unprovoked verbal tantrums, and tossing ceramic mugs at those who try to help them. Over time, their dependency of Koff-33 may even reduce them to reusing Koff--33 grounds (the byproduct of Koff-33), consuming stale Koff-33, and scouring the dumpsters for used Keurig Koff-33 containers, all in the slightest hopes of a small rush. Please, do what you can for the addicted and get them the help they need. Use the guidelines below as a rule of thumb to detect users:

1) If someone you know has recently become withdrawn (especially in the morning, before their first doses), and does their best to avoid human contact until they have had it, they may be a user.

2) If someone you know goes to the restroom with any sort of container, they may in fact be using. Ask them why they need to use the bathroom so much. They may respond with answers such as, "I was reading a book," "I forgot to flush," or, "I was *******," but these are more than likely lies. Users will say whatever they must to get you off of their case.

3) If someone you suspect is a user, they will more than often suffer from red, bloodshot eyes as a result of sleep deprivation. Ask them why their eyes are red. If they look away and must think of an answer such as, "Netflix just released the new season of the Walking Dead," "I was just pepper sprayed," or, "I was doing coke." More often than not, these are lies. They are in fact, using Koff-33

     So now that you can determine if someone you know is a user, you can continue by starting to help them. The path is not an easy one, and more likely than not, it will be a hard road fraught with much resistance. Do not give in. You must be their support system.

1) Secretly replace their stash of Koff-33 with the safely manufactured, non-caffeinated version of Koff-33, called, "D-Kaff." D-Kaff is a safe, placebo variant of Koff-33. If the user believes they are indeed still using Koff-33, over time they may slowly, unknowingly shake their addiction. However, this is not always successful. Experienced users can often easily tell D-Kaff from Koff-33.

2) Give them alcohol. Alcohol is well known depressant that is capable of combating even the most copious amounts of Koff-33 in a person's system. They will more than likely sleep their rush off and become uninterested in Koff-33. However, they may, in the process, become addicted to alcohol. In which case, suggest they attend an AA meeting.

3) In more extreme cases, hold an intervention. Consult all of the user's friends, family, and peers. Await for the user to come home and have them sit down along with the rest of the support group. Confrontation is often the best method, but the user will often deny any addiction, or say they only use once in awhile. Tell them you have taken their stash of Koff-33 and burned it to incite a reaction to get them to realize their problem. They will breakdown, and from there, they will be able to start the road to recovery.

     Koff-33 addiction is no laughing matter, friend. Everyday, the users get farther drawn into their ways, availability becomes farther spread, and is easier to acquire, even with minimum funds. Please, if you know someone with an addiction, help them get the help they need. Recovery starts with a friend.
Frank here with another Public Service Announcement! I don;t think this was as funny as previous ones, but I love to hear what you guys think! Also, also listening for new topics you might want to hear me do! Click #publicserviceannouncement below, if you want to see the others in this series!
Frank Ruland Nov 2014
.     Hello, friend. Do you smell sulfur instead of coffee when you enter your place of work? Does your boss insist on being a mean-hearted individual, despite having a nicer everything than you? Do they cringe upon the mere mentioning of words such as, "God," "love," and "raise?"
     If you've answered "yes" to any of these questions, then there is a possibility that evil incarnate might very well be dwelling within an office near you. But not to worry friend, if you suspect that His Infernal Majesty is indeed lurking in the walls of your workplace, there are indeed methods of ascertaining proof as well as steps you can take to prevent yourself from being dragged into the fiery bowels of Hell from the confines of their musky office.
     Firstly, let's go over some proven methods of detecting whether your boss is indeed the scourge of humanity, or merely hellbent on making your life miserable.

1) The next time your boss attends one of your presentations, subliminally insert religious symbols, such as substituting the Cross for bullets within your PowerPoint. If your boss is the Devil, they will be unable to look at the screen and begin to profusely sweat. You may also notice them start to mutter under their breath in tongues.

2) Make doughnuts for the office, but substitute regular water for holy water. Ensure your boss takes one and then watch them carefully. If they consume the doughnut and immediately begin to choke, they may be indeed be Satan. Alternatively, they may not be Satan and just plainly be choking. Rest assured, if they are Satan, they will not die. Take this opportunity to play it safe and resume your work.

3) Place a thick line of ordinary table salt at the threshold of their office door on the ground. Ensure the line is complete and unbroken. If your boss is a familiar of Hell, they will not be able to step over the line of salt as it is a religious purifying agent. Only attempt this method once, as it is a obvious sign of detection within the office and your boss will begin to take immediate measures. On top of this, repeated use of the salt technique may result in the janitor becoming hostile and assaulting you with cleaning instruments.

     Now that you seen whether or not your boss is indeed Lucifer, you can now begin to take preventative measures against them. Please, proceed with caution, friend!

1) Have an ordained minister or priest wait with you outside of work. When your boss is outside, have your religious aide recite The Lord's Prayer. The power of Christ may force the heathen back to the gates of perdition. If this does not work, more drastic measures are recommended.

2) Find Carlos Mencia and tell him your boss is his number one fan. Carlos Menica will fly himself to your location in order to redeem himself after stealing everybody else's jokes and follow your boss around every hour of the day. Eventually, Mencia's tired jokes will drive your boss to the brink of insanity and he will be glad to banish himself back to Hell, as well putting Mencia on his blacklist. If this does not work, even more drastic actions are recommended.

3) Tell the cast from the Expendables you have a plot for their next potential movie. Inform them that your boss is secretly a cult leader bent of brainwashing the masses to try and demolish the government in an effort to reform America into a Communist state. They will jump at the chance to make this movie and fly themselves over to your location. The action stars will immediately pummel your boss back to Hell.

     Congratulations, friend. You are now free of the Devil and can now go back to resuming your work without the fear of having your soul being consumed.
Hey guys, Frank here with another Public Service Announcement! Please let me know what you think as always. And, I welcome ideas for new ones so please feel free to give me topics you think might be funny! Much love.
Frank Ruland Nov 2014
.     Hello, friend. Recently, it's come to my attention that some of you think I am "narcissistic, egotistical, smug, snide, self-inflated," and an otherwise giant *******. From one poem and my profile bio that's limited to some 1,000 characters, you have seemingly amassed my entire life story. How absolutely thrilled I am concerning your fine sleuthing skills! Well done, friend. You have me found out. I have informed the President that you are America's best hope in finding ISIS's leaders, locating Jimmy Hoffa's remains, as well as inditing Bill Cosby on **** charges.
     Now that your reward has been put into motion, I'd like to get down to why you don't like me or my Public Service Announcements? You say I'm sarcastic.
     And I am hurt. Truly. I just spoke to the Pope after his long day of fighting off legions of undead Commies rising from their graves in Vietnam, and he shook his head and had no idea what you were talking about. Alas, if I've come off as sarcastic, I apologize. I promise you I will bring up your concerns at 2015's Apathy Convention that will be held on February 29 in the city of Miami if you wish to attend.
     But, it does appear to me as if you just don't seem like happy people. I don't know why, but I will do everything in my power just to make you as jubilant as I. My efforts will include ensuring you receive the very first jetpack upon its creation by scientists in the future as well as a basket of German chocolates and kittens.
     On top of this, I am providing a link to a Cheerios coupon for you to print off at your earliest convenience. Somebody has apparently urinated in your cereal, and you're obviously in need of more. Here is your link, friend!

     So friend, if there is anything else I can do for you, please feel free to leave me another loving comment below! I wish you peace, harmony, and bowlfuls of cereal free of excrement and *****.
This was written in response to some very pointless hateful comments I received on my very first Public Service Announcement. I'm not as much offended that you insulted me as I am by the fact you insulted my friend The Girl Who Loved You (aka Just Melz). Hate me all you want, but don't you dare bring her or any of my friends into this. Take your uninspired hate mail, shove it where the sun does't shine, and go find a better use of your cognitive surplus. Thanks, my Dark Friend.
Frank Ruland Nov 2014
.     Hello, friend. It's often said that life is simple, but the people make it complicated. Have you ever felt this way before? Well then, please do yourself a favor and keep reading!
     Life can be like walking through a dog park at times--you're so caught up minding your own business, that you find yourself stepping in another life form's excrement that you just can't seem to wipe off. Gross! But why is it that you can't live your own life without people hating on you? Well, there are many explanations, but let's establish some basic guidelines on how to spot the people giving you crap from the otherwise harmonious citizens around you:

1) If when you speak your opinion and someone pretends to cough and say "******" underneath their breath, they may in fact be a hater. Feel free to offer them toilet paper so they may wipe away the crap that is spewing from their mouth.

2) If when you wave to somebody, they return your gesture with the old one finger salute, they may in fact be a hater. Don't worry, friend. They are more likely suffering from severe nerve damage from having a stick up their rear end for an extended duration of time. Feel free to refer them to a proctologist.

3) If when you walk into a room and another person immediately emits a snide laugh and leaves the premises, they may in fact be a hater. But not to worry--it's more than likely a result of their ego being so large, that they cannot mentally be in the same room with another person who they fear has the power to hurt their delicate psyche. Feel free to call up the Dr. Phil show and inquire as to when its host has free time to speak with someone who is in dire need of counseling. Ensure Dr. Phil is readily armed with large amounts of toilet paper and has a proctologist on call.

      Now that you can establish who is hating on you from people that are similarly like-minded, let's go over a few precautions you can take to avoid the notorious hater:

1) Carry a crucifix in your pocket, or more preferably, around your neck at all times. Haters are rumored to be close relatives to vampires, and they strive to **** the life out of people like you and I. The power of Christ may just repulse any lifeforms cursed with the disposition to hate.

2) Carry a hate whistle at all times. If you find yourself being assaulted by a hater, blow firmly and bravely into the whistle. The loud noise may just scare away your assaulter back into the shadows from whence they came. Others familiar with the hate whistle's sound will come to your aid.

3) If the two above suggestions fail, you are advised to take more drastic measures and go for their ego. Ask them what two plus two equals. If they respond with anything other than "four," they are more than likely suffering a delusional ego and are prone to the "Google Method." Google said math equation and show them the result. Upon seeing that two and two indeed makes four, they will more than likely suffer from a temporary mental lapse. But be warned, the hater may also go into a frenzy and lash out with meaningless facts and quotes for them to hide behind until their ego recovers.

     So, now that you are armed with these precautions, feel free to go out into the world and speak your opinion without fear. But be warned friend, haters are everywhere.
As always, I want to hear if you guys think my Public Service Announcements are funny! I love you guys!
Frank Ruland Nov 2014
.     Hello, friend. Have you ever felt attracted towards a certain, special individual? Yes, we all have, and those feelings are completely natural. But, there are some places where romance should be kept well out of. Namely, the workplace. Beware, friend--there are inherent dangers in dating coworkers.
     Is your cubicle becoming rather steamy? The kitchen starting to be a little hotter than usual? Is there chemistry happening in the laboratory that isn't occurring in beakers or concern the elements of the periodic table? Well, then you may want to cease and desist any further flirtation for fear of finding your future, life, and career in fiery fortune. Don't believe me? Let's just look at the lives of three people who did choose to date coworkers so you can see the dangers of inter-workplace relationships firsthand.

     Meet Suzy. She worked at an office supplies warehouse alongside Bob. They began dating, and all was well until she walked in on Bob licking Jenny's personal stamps. She became somewhat flustered and was accused of assaulting Bob with a stapler. She was promptly fired and given a three month restraining order out of fear of her finishing the job. What a mess.

     Here we have Jack. He works as a line cook for an Italian restaurant. He began dating a server named Betty shortly after his promotion to sous chef. Again, all was well for a time, but then... disaster. Betty became slightly jealous upon hearing Jack ask Mel if she wanted her cannoli filled with cream. An innocent question--but one that responded to by chucking a cleaver at her now ex-boyfriend. What became of Jack? Well, let's just say he's one Italian Stallion whose not so well hung now. Just terrible.

And lastly, we have Ted. Ted works as a lab technician for a company that produces industrial use cleaning solvents. Ted befriended a lab assistant named Patty, and it wasn't long before exothermic processes were happening on a regular basis between the two. All was well until Patty saw a text on Ted's phone saying, "I'm sorry about destroying your equipment last night. I didn't know my explosion would be so huge!" Little did Patty know, Ted's message was to his science fair project partner from high school concerning an experiment that had taken place, and not of the ****** nature. Their relationship ended with her throwing sulfuric acid in Ted's face. No bueno.

     Yes, tragedy tends to strike at the drop of a hat, especially when the critically sensitive emotions between partners of a relationship come into play. But, when you forge relationships with the people you see everyday at work, things can sometimes go horribly awry. Don't end up like any of these unfortunate souls, friend! There's a time and place for romance, but that time and place need not be on the clock.
The second installment in my Public Service Announcement series! Please, if you enjoy, let me know what you think and if it made you laugh. I highly desire feedback on these poems. If they're not good, I may stop :/ Thank you, friend!
Next page