. Hello, friend. I come before you to speak about a very serious matter. The matter concerning the near extinction of Trolls. Trolls, also known by their scientific name, Onlineous Egotistical Scumabageous, are a close relative of the Bully (Doucheyus Pieceashitish Moronus). Both misunderstood creatures, truly to be pitied, the Troll however is becoming a dying breed in recent years.
Yes, as sad as it may sound, Trolls are dying. Slowly, people online have been giving them less and less attention. Trolls, unlike other parasites, do not require food or water to survive. Instead, they require people to exchange banter back and forth with them, and must be able to put people down in order to sustain their ego, which in turn enables them to thrive. This defacement of other people is what sustains them. However, people are growing less and less susceptible to Trolls unwarranted attacks, and as a result, they are slowly vanishing from even the farthest depths of the Internet.
On top of depending upon these attacks to nourish them, Trolls also require this constant attention to breed. It is with this diarrhea of their mouth, spite, and contempt towards others that allows the Troll to reproduce. Being incapable of sexually reproducing, it is this cycle of antagonism that allows the Troll to spread their hateful ways, infect, and pass on their disease, which slowly corrupts the DNA of the host, and turns them into a Troll.
But, just how can you spot a Troll? That is an excellent question, friend. Please, defer to the guidelines below to see if you have a Troll in your midst.
1) If whenever you post something, and someone you've never even heard of on HP posts a rude, spiteful, demeaning, hateful, harmful, or otherwise ******* response, you may have a Troll. These remarks are actually the mating call of the Troll, and they depend on them to attract the attention of other Trolls. Together, Trolls have a better chance of infecting others and creating more Trolls.
2) If you notice that someone who posts hateful comments has another account that also does the same thing, they are more than likely a Troll. Trolls depend on multiple personas online, because in real life they may feel inadequate with who they really are. With this, they hope to create a persona where they feel powerful, and where they may leave their nasty remarks without the fear of being reprimanded. In real life, they are not able to do so, as they would more than likely have their ego ***** slapped out of them.
3) As well, Trolls have a tendency to not be able to recognize their actions as "wrong," "inappropriate," or "*******." From their convoluted nature has spawned an ego so immense, that its size is only rivaled by the size of Siberia. Their ego, of course, being the less stable environment capable of being made habitable, save for the lifeforms that have no need to eat or drink... such as the Troll or Bully.
Now that you are capable of picking Trolls out of the crowd, it is time we move on to the methods of how to nurture and sustain the fragile Troll.
1) It is important that you humor the Troll through debate, if you should be so unlucky as to be attacked by one. If they call your work "weak," or "petty," it is recommended that you engage them in debate. Without debate, they must soon retreat off to a more vulnerable target. Without this attention, the Trolls shall begin to shrivel away before long and must retreat back to the safety of Justin Bieber's ****, where they may once more wallow in excrement that resembles their actual life.
2) For less than the time that it takes to submit a poem of your own, it is recommended that you find a Troll and instead use the time to repost, add their work to a collection, and comment. Commenting is the most crucial. Compare them to Shakespeare, Poe, or Frost, no matter how atrocious their work is. This hype is critical to keeping their ego stable. Without it, the Troll grows uneasy and must resort to attacking others for attention.
3) If you are absolutely incapable of complimenting a Troll, please consider at least liking their works. Like pennies a day for abused dogs, just a few likes may be enough from keeping the Troll's ego from dying. When they see likes, their ego uses the visual image to stimulate various glands in their body, which produces endorphin. Similar to a high, these endorphins give the Troll disillusions of grandeur, superiority, and false confidence.
Please, friend. The Troll is a dying breed, Take pity on them. Without you to humor them, they will soon go extinct.
Another Public Service Announcement! I hope you guys enjoyed it, This was inspired by so many of the awesome Trolls on HP, that have for one reason or another, grown increasingly active once more. Thanks fr your guys support of the PSA series!