id like to think
that you never left

id like to think
that i didnt hear the reverberation of the door
closing in on the two of us.

ive made a fort
out of unwanted memories
i desperately try to keep at bay
but they keep on calling out to me like it was a graveyard
reaching for victims
bewitched by consternation

broken mirrors,
mangled sheets,
drive thrus in the ungodly hours, awkward silences,
cut outs of what we shared together —

those things
could never compare with
how i feel so at home
with another being's body before

all my life,
all i ever did
was give such tumultuous love
and receive none of it back.

so id like to pretend
even though
i am constantly marred by reality.

I don't know if you want to be more than beneficial friends
I don't really want to pretend
I've been told you just want to hit
But I don't think I'd mind if you missed
I used to never go with it
Sometimes I wish I could go back again
I never imagined it as a kid
That I'd go through a *** phase and regret what I did
And subsequently, I'd be bringing bad boys with
Ones I thought I would marry and then we'd get rich
Everything has changed, I am not the same
Now you probably think I'm telling a myth
I cannot tell you a reason for this
Summer is bringing temptations
Maybe I'm selfish and just want ****
Remembering all the times I spent in boys' basements

I know that's not what I want
Wish I could be what you need
But I can't see through all of your fronts
I don't know what you're trying to be
I do not think that there would be a problem with us
I just think there is a problem with me
I don't know if I can handle guessing anymore
I'm not the go-to *** anymore

I'm not sure what you want to be
But I'm not what you think
This is way more emotional than I thought I would be
I'm not what I introduced myself to be
I promised myself to be honest with you
And I want to do this with more integrity
Can't help but think that I'm being played
If that's the case then just tell me
I am always prepared for the truth
I'm telling myself your friends are right
But should I trust your friends more than you

Now my heart is stuck in the grayest of areas
Thinking back to when your friends said not to trust you
Remembering when they warned me not to
Thinking about how we might go to a party
And I will be there confused about what to do
I still take heed at the first words about you
And I do not think there is a way of preparing us
For the inevitable or so it seems
When you get a job and I chase a college dream
Eventually, you'll find a girl much more pretty
Someone that's better that I could never be
You're a guy with smarts and muscles
I don't smoke much and I don't drink much liquor
I want to know what you want, but you telling me I don't figure
You'll find a better girl, like the one you are talking too
Who's body and conversation is probably better

I should be getting myself focused again
Sometimes it feels like I don't really know
I know that we started as beneficial friends
But that type of bond has room to grow
But I don't want to pretend
I don't know if I'd have the emotional control
I don't know if I can handle guessing anymore
I don't know if I can be that go-to *** anymore

i don't think fate ever wanted us to end⁣
but we did ⁣
⁣
no you never loved me⁣
you and i were never real⁣
⁣
i'd say⁣
we were just kids who played pretend.