The undeniable truth
Is that I feel I'm the only one
In this questionable relationship
Really trying to make something work
I've been more heartache
So any excuse that you've been hurt
Wont affect me
I've been used just for ***
Played with and dragged along
Rag doll to her pretty little fingertips
The truth is I dont see us together
Much longer if we're together now
Ever if we're not
I see me getting hurt again
Being used and mislead
I see me just getting snagged
In your trap you call eyes
Its only me in this
I dont know about you
But I learned to dance with another person
Or ever danced at all when I was alone
The truth, you wanted it
Me and you would be pointless
You doubted me to begin with
I doubted myself then
Here I go again
Doing it all over
Just on repeat
Because I'm too scared to tell you myself
But what's to stop me from
Telling everyone here
The truth **** it
Is that I'm madly in love with you
States away and I'm trying
The fears and realizations
Factors and data
Spreadsheets and diagrams
How the hell am I supposed to believe it
That I'm losing the only ******* thing
That's ever meant something to me
I can't take this
Scars are reopening
Liver is getting abused
Lungs suffocating
I dont know what to do
I dont know how to react
What the **** is the point of trying
When everything seems to just fail
I am insane
I am ******* crazy
But **** it I dont need a reminder
I draw pictures for you
You haunt my mental state all hours of the day
Yet I dont want to be the one to only say
Good morning
Goodnight sweet dreams
I love you
I'll just go back to talking to myself
Ridding myself of all these emotions
Become a shell that doesn't give a ****
The truth my love
Is that everything seems pointless
And you can't put it in perspective
For me to understand
I try telling you
What's wrong with me
Why I'm so short with you
Why I'm distant for no apparent reason
This is why
Its all to no avail
But of course you'll never care
You'll never change
I'm the zero in your equation
Completely redundant and pointless
All I wanted was a life with you
A future that I could be proud of
Where you wont feel fear
Only know love and compassion
But now I see if all fading
That's expected when its only one person
Holding hands with his shadow
Just to find love that he shows

"I'm in trouble aren't I?"
"You have no idea..."

"Wanna know something?"

"Are you going to say the same thing,
Like you do every time?
You know.. if you hadn't done this...
Sort of thing?

"Save your breath mate,
I've heard it all before
Why don't you say something new,
Instead of parroting the same **** every time?"

"Like seriously,
Why are you even talking to me?
You wanna gloat don't you?
"Haha, you've been caught and I win".

"Well ******* *******,
I'm not hearing it
Why don't you leave me alone
And go choke on a bucket of ****."

The more I learn,
the more I see religion as a man-made idea
to make us feel that we are some how special
compared to all the other life on earth.
I think I'm scared to accept this
because without my fear of the afterlife,
what else is really keeping my spirit
tethered to this world?
Love?
My need to not present myself
as a burden to others?
i d k . . .

I used to write for a reason
Now I just write to strew useless words
Information no one will probably ever
Read, my voice never again ever heard.

I'm a little bit terrified that I'm
A real life
Manic pixie dream girl.

What if I only exist
To help others
Find their place in this world?

What if I'm doomed
To float in and out
Of depressive episodes?

Never having actually
Done much of anything.
A depthless side character

In my own life.