I had forgotten him until he appeared in a dream - he so qualified me so average - and I awakened barely recalling him but the shame attacked me with a fury and has not loosened its grip even in the late afternoon. And I thought I became a different person after twenty years, even in the last five years. Am I still shackled to that old self with scars like ex-slaves carried from the chains and whips? It seems people fade but feelings rarely do.
I was once afraid By doing all i want By showing my emotions And expressing my feelings. I was a weak woman That has a fragile heart I was afraid to feel the hurt From the ****** knife of rejection But then one day I became tired Of being scared While doing nothing. I discovered something Inside of me I heard the voice From my better version. I decided to change my mind and heart I chose happiness Than a life of regrets I buried my old self And my own pain I finally found the love That is brighter than my fears.
Sometimes I look at the old photographs Pressed between worn out pages Of times I do not remember, For the times I keep guarded I keep no mark of. So I stare at that little girl Whose eyes are same as mine And has seen the same wars as I, Because the damage was done When I was a kid. From then to now The wars have ceased, That little girl has seen too much for her age Than now I ever will. I wonder when I look at her face, I fail to connect That's how I stay away from people. I wonder if she thought of the future ahead How her strength then would let her live? If she knew why she continued to fight , If she ever had any hope at all, Or she thought she couldn't simply die? Because all I can think now Is ending it here. I have hope, I really do But I look at her decades back And I don't see the point. She was so scared, all the time She had her walls so high She, the moment she understood Spent her time wishing to save others. Her life contained days That belonged to everyone around, Her fight thereupon easier. I guess the problem ensued When she started to have her own. I look at her, I look at her She doesn't look anything like me, I don't feel anything at all But pain. I want to tell her That is all she will ever feel, That pain she thought would go away Would bury itself in her soul And she will never feel alive again. I never really recognize her by her looks It's always how she makes me feel, I stare at her And the sadness has remained, The fear still lines up And happiness for some people Is a momentary event That simply intensifies the pain.