Was it my greed?
Did my desires get in the way?
I wanted it all, everything
The future, the hopes, the love
Your dreams, your desires, your thoughts
I want it all, give it all to me
All of you, the good and bad
The doubts and fears you have
The happiness and laughters
Let me devour it all, take it all
Anything of yours is mine now
Those smiles, eyes, kisses
Fill up my greed with all of you
But was my desire reckless?
All I ever wanted was you
Was that too much to ask for?
Was my greed for you too much?
All I ever wanted was everything
Everything with you, by you
I wanted to take it all
Because you had all of me
Your greed outmatched mine
So why was my own greed
The one that failed the most?
Why was your greed acceptable
When it took everything from me?

A heavy haze has once again
Settled down upon my mind
My feet stumble underneath
As if wrapped about by twine
Some sickness has befallen me
Through heavy lids I try to peer
But in front of all that I can see
Is a mirage, a foggy likeness of
She that has ensorcelled me
I wouldn’t dare to call this love
Yet I know some fools who would
It is some sort of an affliction
So heal myself of this I should
But I cannot, so helplessly I go
I crave the softness of her touch
As it soothes my lonesome soul
I crave the beauty of her smile
When it shines upon my being
I crave the melody of her voice
With which to me she’s speaking
I crave the mystery of her gaze
In those sultry eyes I find reprieve
And I suspect she doesn’t care
Though otherwise I still believe
If she would but tear my heart out
I’d regain the steadiness of my feet
But while my dream does yet survive
I drag myself along this rainy street

The kitchen smells like a secret I forgot to bury.
A peach gone soft, skin splitting like a bad promise.
The fruit flies know something I don’t;
they’re the last priests of a dying faith,
and they’re waiting for me to leak.

I tell myself I’m healing,
but last night I dreamt I had to eat your heart to survive.
It tasted like burnt sugar and nail polish remover.
I woke up gasping,
your name soldered to the roof of my mouth
like a curse I didn’t mean to cast.

I call it the trick of wanting:
how I keep looking for your fingerprints in places you never touched,
how I flinch when someone says my name in the dark,
how I let the mirror watch me shatter
and pretend I’m a stained glass window.

Here’s the part I shouldn’t post:
I liked it when you lied to me.
I liked it when you said this isn’t about love
and I let you mean it’s about power.

The fruit flies keep coming.
I pretend they’re a sign from God.
I pretend they’re angels. Or demons.
Never both.
I pretend they’re a reminder that sweetness
is just another word for rot.
I pretend the buzzing is the sound of my name-
fermenting in your guts,
putrefying in your chest,
decomposing in your memory like abandoned fruit.

I know I shouldn’t write this.
But I do.
Because I want you to see it.
Because I want you to flinch.

Because I want you to know:
I am the girl who would eat your heart if I could.
I would peel it open with my teeth,
lick the blood off my lips,
smile like a god in a red dress,
and call it love.

And you’d believe me.

how holy it is
to be the reason someone tastes like ruin.

I’ve been collecting you  
gathering up all your inkbled trinkets  
as if they were mine to collect  
as if you were whispering to me again  
the secrets of your blue-green skies  
like electric pillowtalk  
  
my soul slips like broken  
sand shards  
back  
into you  
into hazy eyed illuminations  
heartbeats rhythming through  
our pressed palms  
and you almost feel real  
  
until my eyes unsquint  
until all your splayed treasure  
has been treasured and  
I am love-lost all over

I don’t know why I’m writing this.
You won’t read it.
Maybe I just need to get it out before it eats me alive.

I can’t stop wanting you.
It’s pathetic, I know.
It’s been months.
Time stopped meaning anything when you left.

I still dream about you.
Sometimes I wake up and for a split second,
I forget that you’re gone.
I reach across the bed like an idiot,
and all I find is cold sheets and my own emptiness.

Why won’t you leave me?
Or maybe — why won’t you come back?
I don’t even know which one I want more anymore.

I replay everything.
Every message. Every glance. Every tiny moment.
Looking for the place where I could’ve made you stay.
But there’s nothing. Just the same ending, over and over.
You, gone. Me, still here.

I would ruin myself for you again.
I would break every promise I made to myself.
I would throw away every piece of healing just to feel you one more time.

God, I hate this.
I hate that I love you this much.
I hate that I need you like air I can’t breathe.

I don’t know how to stop.
I don’t even know if I want to.

If you came back tomorrow,
I would open the door.
No questions. No hesitation.
I’d let you in.
I’d let you wreck me all over again.