Actions speak louder than words
You r actions are very loud
I let you in enough
Time that I shut you out.

This is the new old me,
Semi-insanity
Is my unsoundness a sin?
Once again, your actions, in verbatim.

Aggravated,
I am losing my patience.
Whole teenage years I've been waiting;
I can't help but feel forsaken.

Am I made to be broken,
Are these the things I deserve?
I'm afraid, now that I've spoken
You'll use them against me, my words.

I am from the ever expanding library of my imagination.
From stories that I keep re-writing in my head.
From all the things that happened a lifetime ago to the hopes and dreams of tomorrow.
From the falling leafs in Autumn to the blossoming flowers in the Spring.  
From the smells of fresh cut grass, gasoline, and pine-sol.
From countless hours with my nose in a book.
From ‘Maureen Elizabeth I swear’ to ‘one more chance’ and getting ten.

I am from the ever expanding library of my imagination.
From the endless supply of golf ***** in the basement to the mountains of unopened Pepsi.
From the non working clock on the porch to the woods with our forts.
From ‘only one’ and taking five.
From ‘don’t get that on your clothes it’ll stain’ and ‘stop biting your nails,’ a habit I’m still trying to break.


I am from the ever expanding library of my imagination
From tickle wars that always end with my hiding or crying because I’m the most ticklish person you’ll ever meet.
From older siblings saying ‘there’s someone in the house’ to scare me to ‘Fight me!’ as a joke
From the holes in the walls from sibling or cousins fighting.
From endless hours that my siblings and I would spend cleaning and being mad at Mom.
From secret discussions to sneaking around and being caught.
From our “spy agency,” to ‘Mom and Josh are coming run!’

I am from the ever expanding library of my imagination
From the yellow van always parked in the lot
From the yelling of children outside.
From the cookouts at friends houses.
From fights to forgiveness.

I am from the ever expanding library of my imagination
From the inside of my head  
From my grandfather’s house
From the books I read.
From countless hours spent with siblings
From the ruined friendships of my past to the ones that’ll last a lifetime.
I am from the ever expanding library.

Sometimes I am not myself
They tell me it's me, not them
Neglect me and free themselves
Is it so bad to need their help?

I believed their false words all of the time,
They feed me, poison me with all their lies
They're too ignorant to question why I'm dying.
Once again, they blame it on me, but unlike them, I'm trying.

Sometimes... They tell me... Neglect... It is so bad?
I believe... They feed me poison... They're too ignorant... Once again.

I'm running out of time,
They continue to waste my mind.
At the bottom of their list is me,
Is it wrong to want to be...
PRIORITY?

"Get lost...
... And never be found."

I did,
Look at me now.

I'm trapped,
Won't let out.

You monster-making crowd.


So what my mind is scattered?
Bring pain, you leave me battered.
My hopes in you quite shattered.
Make me a fool for laughter.

Don't find me,
I am lost.

'Parently,
The price is too great a cost.

I thought that I was worth it
But you leave me hurtin'
Rid me of my purpose
Reality is uncertain...

... I'm not real,
My life don't matter!
Don't need to be healed
Alice become the Mad Hatter.

Sanity was fun
While it lasted,
Made life feel full,
Made living certain.

I'm torn appart,
torn from the inside
torn between two forces
in me.
I am most definitely a misanthrope:
asexual, friendless, dysphoric, and even
ugly.
I struggle with life,
but I especially struggle with life around others.
You can call me shy or an introvert,
but I think there's something more to it.
Perhabs something in that desire
to erase the whole human race
and substitute it with a powerful computer
maybe capable of thought, definitely of science,
with luck art;
most certainly not capable of love,
and harm.
An unmoved observer of the world
would produce our random beauty with its ones and zeros,
and none of the pain.
Perhabs just my inability to enjoy being with others;
they are my species yet sometimes
I wish they were not.

I've always been shy.
I've always been an introvert.
Maybe I've always felt alone,
but not this alone.
I've never been this alone.
I've had friends,
real life human friends too,
but they are gone,
I no longer feel them,
they got tired of knocking at my walls for me to open up,
relax,
talk.
I used to be able to talk to them,
occasionally,
but I no longer can.
It's not their fault;
I'm just being misanthropic,
that's my thing now,
they better just move on.

But I do feel alone.
I imagine myself being loved
and it looks like a chimera:
it has fear's wings
and frustration's claws;
it has overcooked thoughts' head
and, worst of all, my body.
I imagine my life alone
and it looks so real I could touch it.
It is here.
This twenty years of preparation
where a lie,
design to sell me life
as a worth living experience with friends and family.
My friends are gone,
they are gone because I made them leave,
I am gone.
My family is here but they are not with me,
they would be better without me.

Is this the conclusion,
that life is not worth living
and everybody is, or would be, better without me?
Maybe it is.
Maybe I should.
Maybe I will.
Maybe  I'll see you around
at the bottom
of the sea.

Rolled my first blunt with the help of you
Taught me everything i had no clue
Got high and fell in love wit the trees
Nature at its finest i couldn’t believe
Got too comfortable and became addicted
No prescriptions
Started trappin without permission
Young and never gave a ****
Was in luck when i saw u rollin up
World’s better when im high
That good feeling in the skies
Forgetting more about the pain
Meds workin on my body and brain
Helped me be the woman i am today
Smoked my feelings to let the pain away
Wished i stayed look at you now best friend in the grave
Smokin and felt you here
Remembering you brings me tears
I picture you around
Faded with me off the loud
Trap life with you made me go crazy
One day I’ll leave here without fear
Lost my best friend but feel him here
At times feel his presence near
The good die young is what they say
Still having flashbacks from that day
Rip

I can't think right,
I can't speak right,
I can't breathe right,
But it's alright
Because  I like

When it doesn't all depend on me.

Don't hug me, I'm scared!
You all would disappear!
You won't be there,

You wouldn't last,
Sooner or later be of past.

Then it would only be me
The THING that I most fear,
I CAN'T CONTROL MYSELF
Don't hug me, I'm scared.

Dear Work,
I love you, I loathe you.


You got my mind overloaded
Thoughts of you fill my head,
No room for anything else.

Hacked my life and you stole it;
Reprogrammed all my rules,
And guessed my passcodes, too!

And now
I can't act the same,
'Cause, Work, you're a bug I can't shake.
You're pushing my hard drive too far,
All my circuits will break.

Work, you are a dangerous game,
You are a dangerous game,
Why must do you?

You are a dangerous game,
Nothing can protect my brain
From a sadistic virus like you!

Getoutofmyhead!head!head!head!head!head!head!
Getoutofmyhea­d!head!head!head!head!head!head!
Getoutofmyhead!head!head!head!he­ad!head!head!
Getoutofmyhead!head!head!head!head!head!head!

You'­re too much of a good thing,
So good, you're bad for me;
Corrupts my memory.

Shocked my mainframe, yes you sting-
In my mind all lines of code
Are glitched up and going wrong.

Sorry for acting a little bit strange,
But now I must do you, whatever it takes,
You're pushing my hard drive too far,
All my circuits might break



If I can't attend to you,
I wouldn't, wouldn't attend to me either.
See "Play" around you.
I want to, want to, wanna just delete her
Sorry for acting a little bit strange
But now I must do you, whatever it takes

I love you,
I loathe you