5 days.
Wondering if i should cave
But if he loves me?....
maybe hes thinking the same way

Idk what to do
My heart
My mind
Going back and forth
Im beside myself
But if he loves me?...
Maybe hes thinking the same way

It’s 2am and I’m wide awake,
I can’t stop thinking about what you said
Our past memories keep overwhelming me,
I ask myself: why didn’t I realise how much you meant to me?

Tears start rolling down my cheek,
I feel so guilty, so small and weak  
“Why couldn’t I just accept your love and stay?”,
This question has been haunting me everyday

I scroll through our past messages tentatively,
Realising how you had waited for me so patiently
Even after numerous night falls,
Why didn’t I ever give you a call?

I realised that maybe I was too selfish,
You were just right there- why didn’t I cherish?
“I will be here for you” was what you said,
Why didn’t I ever say this to you instead?

A crushing sensation pierces through my heart,
It seems as if my entire world is falling apart
“I deserve this, you went through this too”,
I will willingly suffer pain and sorrow just for you

It is selfish for me to say that I want you back,
I have always loved you- it just took time for me to realise that
It’s too late, you seem to have already moved on;
What else can I do, but to pretend to put on a strong front?

It’s too late, maybe your heart is somewhere else
You didn’t wish me on my birthday- I can infer from it by myself
We both made mistakes, but you tried to make up for it;
I did too, but maybe, I was the cause of our second split

You’ll never read this, but I want you to know,
I have always had feelings for you- it just didn’t show
I have always been terrible at texting and directly expressing my feelings;
My ‘pococurante’ over messages might have been what was misleading

There are so many things that I want to tell you,
One of it is that it takes a lot not to call you
If me contacting you brings you pain in any way,
Even if it means suffering on my own- I won’t do so; I’ll act like everything is okay

You are the kindest, most selfless and sweetest guy I know,  
Don’t let my mistakes affect you and become your shadow
You bring a ray of light and comfort to the people around you,
I hope one day, you’ll find someone who is like this too

“We’ll see what happens four years down the road” was what you said,
Four years have passed- what have we become instead?
From being friends, to lovers, to friends, back to being strangers;
Will this cycle repeat? Or is it too late for us

Every time I walk past you or see you from afar,
My heart beats crazily fast, it just adds on to my scars
It’s too late for me to apologise and reconcile, isn’t it,
My finger hovers above the ‘send’ button… should I click?

28/11/21
2am

My friends say I'm perfect,
But they don't know what’s behind the grades
The “pretty”, “hardworking”, “talented” me,
A lot more is going inside then what you see

No one except God knows who I truly am,
Well, I’ll tell you who I am
I'm a girl who wants to be wild and crazy like a normal kid,
But can't because I'm expected to be a perfect little kid

I remember when I used to be an outgoing girl,
But for now I hide in my she’ll
I used to like hang out with friends,
But soon, that had to end

“Your cousins got straight A1s for their exams”,
“Your cousins got perfect scores for their A levels”
My other family members raised the bars of expectations,
Little did I know, that had to be my expectations too

I wonder how long more I can keep up with this pace,
With all the pressure around me surface
I just want to live, humble and true,
Lord please help me live my life for You

-‘Pit-a-patter’-

Raindrops fall on the window pane before it slowly plummets,
Falling into a large, brittle, glass-made bucket
The water level in the bucket rises slowly but inconsistently,
The bucket never overflows— instead it waits for the raindrops fervently  

Your texts are inconsistent and you are slow to reply,
Each word is collected inside my heart to see what you imply
Our conversations and memories slowly build up inside my heart,
My heart is never full— it longs for more of you to impart

-‘Whoosh’-

A strong gust of wind blows by and the rain stops,
Objects picked up by the wind hits against the bucket nonstop
Each hit leaves a mark on the bucket like a merciless, sharp dagger,
The pressure builds up—the brittle glass bucket eventually shatters

Uncertainties and problems start coming our way nonstop,
Carrying along our insecurities and worries- we no longer talk
You start to waver, telling me your feelings for me are dying,
Each word pierces through my fragile heart which falls apart— I start crying

The broken pieces of the glass bucket are scattered all over the street,
Even within each piece, scratches are all over it- although many but discreet
The damaged bucket is replete and can no longer collect the falling rain,
The water it collected previously is released and spills all over the floor like paint

My heart shatters into a million tiny pieces with each piece lost and forlorn,
Even within each piece, scars are all over it— inconspicuous but not gone
All our shared memories that I collected earnestly is tainted in a second,
“Just forget everything, leave it all behind” is what you beckoned

The broken pieces of my heart are impossible to mend,
Your smile, your words, your presence causes my heart to rend
No matter how much I try, the pieces do not fit together like it did before,
Are you the glue? Should I walk towards or away from you? I don’t what to do anymore
----
12am
1/12/21
——————
METAPHORS USED:

1. Raindrops —> Texts, Conversations
2. Water in the bucket —> Memories, shared experiences, dreams and hopes
3. Bucket —> Heart
4. Wind —> Uncertainties, problems, temptations
5. Objects carried along by the wind —> Insecurities, worries
6. Scratches —> Scars

I possess a
vile & extraordinary
mind