I am over this "happiness is a mindset"-"find a love that makes you forget you were ever depressed"-"medication changes your personality"-"just think happy thoughts"-"have you tried yoga?" *******.
Nowadays, everyone has self diagnosed depression- and won't shut up about it.
And now when I say "I've had manic-depression and was diagnosed with it when I was 9." what most people think I mean was "I need attention, and I have to be like everybody else."- tumblr is my life- *******.
Happiness is a mindset that I was never wired to have, and I am not in control of changing the programming from the inside. I cannot forget that I was ever depressed, when I have known depression since I took my first breath of fresh air out of the womb- as if it's woven into the very fabric of my skin- and I know my skin about as well as I know myself and I've been stuck with both my entire life- an invisible twin that I never ******* asked for. Sure, medication changes my personality-. It makes me function like a normal human being, instead of one that wants to swallow all of those pills and stop breathing- for no reason other than a lack of the same chemicals you can find in that pill that I take into my mouth and swallow every day as if it is my soul that I am swallowing, and not a chalky, white tablet. I cannot think happy thoughts when that it a language that I do not speak and no matter how I have tried to learn, I just can't seem to get the grammatical structure correct- don't even get me started about conjugating verbs because my depression prevents me from doing a ******* thing anyways. I cannot just do some ******* yoga, because all that does is make my body stronger- it cannot alter and rewire my brain to suddenly do something it's never done, and I cannot begin to tell you all of the ways my therapist and I have tried to figure out a way to wave a magical ******* wand and suddenly I'm cured, and how my therapist definitely is not a ******* fairy, and my psychiatrist is really just my potions master, how I've been on **** near every kind of pill, how those pills have kept me alive, how if I miss even one dose, suddenly I imagine how jumping off of a building is the exact way that I want to end this agony- but with no reason to jump, nothing pushing me. Except maybe the fact that having manic depression, gives me more depression- like a never ending plant that just is.. always in ******* season, and boy do I have some ******* allergies.
I cannot begin to tell you how it felt to be 9 years old when my father sat me down and asked me point blank "Honey- you look sad, all the time. Why are you sad?" and bursting into tears like a water fountain bursting a pipe and saying "Daddy, I don't know. I just am. I always am."

Sometimes my mind runs,
so my feet walk.
My brain is an unsorted file,
and my body is a disconnected server.
There are moments in life where I am so in love with it all that I cry.
Moments when I am so upset, I laugh.
I can not fully understand the loops that my mind takes
over and over.
But I still ride along them.
When I was younger, I use to be so scared of the mess in my brain.
But the truth is,
I am full of clutter.
I am the home of loved objects that is messy,
and lived in.
I am a cloud of multiple thoughts
that lead me to sing at the wrong times.
Love harder than I should.
Feel every emotion at once.
We are all cluttered boxes.
I promise you,
you are messy
but full of love.
And I promise you,
we will all be pulled
from the attic
and taken
back home.

well it actually happened
i guess i fell in love
but everything seems to be messed up

you see my lovers a demon
with sugar flavored lips
shes poison and treasure
is hidden right below her hips

im crazy for craving her
and her perfume of nicotine
im crazy for loving her
because she isnt what she seems

up and down and back again
rollercoaster of euphoria
hot and cold and warm again
drowing in hysteria

my love,
her name is mania

time is choking me
I can feel it all around me and I want out
Time is just man made but time is a snake sent by God to wrap and squeeze out your life
No matter how much makeup you put on, the masks you wear, time is all around you
Why won't it let go
Sometimes it squeezes so hard you *****
And your hands are numb but feeling was never important
Because what is feeling to time
You wake up every night because you can't breath,
Time lays beside you, but it never sleeps
Time holds a screen in your face and calls it memory
It's really just a movie that you never really liked anyway
One with him touching you and you touching her, making sure time doesn't let you forget about him like you have
Nobody in this world ends a sentence for you unless you do it yourself so do it yourself
With the knife you hold, you could **** time
I feel so sick
Do doctors have medicines for time because I don't want too anymore, I can't want too, I can't, I don't, I won't
Eventually he's going to quiet my heart, and nobody will hear me

I rarely dream.
I used to,
quite often--black and white--
rose petals and elephants with wings.
Now it takes hours.
Not to dream,
but to sleep--mind racing--
with mania of over-excitable excitement.
Then I'm in darkness.
As if I'm dead,
lying in a coffin--I'm the corpse bride--
only wishing for a dream of angelic giants.
Perhaps I'm now a ghost.
Not evil with psychosis,
but destroying my sheets--to make every morning--
as if dancing with my social phobia of shyness.
But this night.
The darkness is,
not just manic--it is mixed with depression--
summer to winter and too much and too little.
I listen to my heart.
Rather than dream,
thump, thump--a beating ***** suffices--thump--
my heart screams awake and I catch myself in falling.
In a jolt.
I'm over-calmed with,
nothingness--darkening dream--thump, thump--
dream of manic nothingness.