they told you to book it in the opposite direction
with your back turned
never glance behind.
but you didn’t run
your feet stayed stationed, loyal soldiers
digging into the never-yet conquered land.
i made myself smaller,
a beautiful thoughtless daydream for your sharp obtuse thinking
but you weren’t even vicious like i made it up plainly in my mind.
i exaggerated your feelings
now i’m the only one left reeling
with my brain a foreigner in my own skull.
they told you to run,
but you stayed and hoped i would change.
forgive me for loving you in a psychotic way
where i locked up my affection in a jail cell
and never let it see the light of day
for your crystal-shining eyes
to see my true stance on you and us.
forget me
for your life could blossom if you free yourself from my shade
that prevents your soil from bringing up flowers
construct me a tower where i can hide
and you’ll never have to see my revolting face ever again.
they had told you to book it,
to blast down the road
and never look back
but you turned around
and smiled,
showing pristine white teeth,
and said you wouldn’t be leaving
because you had realized you loved me.
you were too naive to assume that i would accept that kind of adoration for myself
so i left you under the flickering street light
and when i looked back,
i could just see you crying

I'm waiting on a number of things:
When will you reply, though I gave you wings
To fly away if you will, and you have the right;
I'm waiting for inspiration to strike me in the night
That I am again OK without you - I don't need to feel
My heart implode when I read my old poetry, to steel
Myself when I see apparitions of what I had desired,
To blush and reproach myself for being lost, uninspired,
And pining after you again like a whipped cur; When
You hold space for me IRL
And my messages aren't a URL
Of something that I thought would resonate with you, again
I lose myself, hoping I can gain because you gain, and then
It just feels like I'm throwing my love into a void, again.
I don't just give energy like that; I don't just give thoughts;
I was divinely inspired, and I thought your beauty grand
And lovely, and still those aren't the words, and still this Noughts
& Crosses is a stalemate; And you're cross, and I'm five grand
For nought, and flippin' babbling because I'm so, so lost
And I long for your presence and your voice for me, warm as toast,
Nourishing as honey, real like salt, alive for water, and eternal
And lavender. I can forget roses, even if you like them too; lavender, like you, is eternal.

'I don't want you waiting for me, that just breeds resentment and anger.'

I understand, I do

Where you were coming from when you broke up with me

I understand the fear that I might be waiting for you out of obligation, or cowardice

But now we're broken up, have been for over a month

I've said and done some stupid things since then

But only because I didn't want to accept

What I really think now

Is the truth

That I still want to wait for you

We aren't together, there's no obligation for me to wait for you any more

You've given me a ticket out, a door to escape through

After all the pain and suffering

And I've been standing on the threshold

And perhaps glimpses of what lies beyond the door have been tempting

But I'm closing the door now

Still on the same side as you

Because I'm choosing to wait

No strings attached

This is the choice I'm making

Perhaps it isn't the right one

But I don't think it's the wrong one

So I will sit here, and I will wait

And maybe one day, you'll want to try again as well

And we can build something new together

On the glittering ashes of what we had

Everyone is living their fairytale
While I’m living in hell
Come back to me already
Let's make this right
Mend this hole and close it tight
No one has to ever know
The deep cuts created
The harmful words spoke
Let’s go back to the way things were
Before you shattered my heart
Before everything between you and me fell apart

...
bitter stones in my eyes
dragging the ground
weighing heavy on my lacerated heart
Missing the sound
where the beating starts
where life, like the sun, shines
and pulls me into the day.
Instead, I wake
with a mind full of crimes
filtered into rhymes
Sadness still clinging
to the corners of my mouth
Eyes still stinging
from a conversation gone south
Sight flooded with doubt
Lies reaching to the skies
when I fake a smile
But my eyes can't hide
the toll of this trial.
4/15/15 ~ 8.22a