In the last of July 2021
It's started by comment on instagram
He know me from my friend
He living in other country.

We talk, we sharing about each other.
We decided to meet.

In the middle of August 2021
We continue to know each other more than before
We start to talk about our planning to meet.

Yet, its September 2021.
I decided to moving abroad in his country,
to get closer with him.
I decided to find job in Uzbekistan,
A country i never visit before.
We keep talk, we keep texting..
we keep our promise to hold on until we meet.
Sometimes..
we lack of conversation, we lack of communication..
we get bored..
we have dumb conversation..
and that's normal because we never meet.

I going back to my hometown to preparing everything to moving.
I got my first job there..
But now..

It's almost end of November..
But i'm still stuck in my city.
I haven't make my promise come true..
He's waiting...
We lost our communication..
I know it's hard to keep in talk cause we never meet before..
But
I wish that he know I'm waiting the right time to moving..
I wish that he understand moving abroad need a lot of preparation especially for financial..
I wish that he understand I'm trying my best to meet him..
I wish that he didn't falling in love with someone else when we struggle with our communication..
I wish that he know i'm waiting him,
everyday...
I wish that everything i pray for and i'm waiting for is worth it..

what is the percentage
that i miss you
that i reminisce us
what is the chance
that you miss me too
that you miss us
what is this feeling
that i thought of you
that i create an image of you
is this ninety-nine percent
confirming
believing
that we miss it
that we must kiss it
to close it
to end it
coz 1% is not ours
to take
to risk

xoxo

lots of laugh
lots of cries
lots of smiles
lots of frowns
in all the lows
and in all the highs
you are there
you are here
in my heart
in my mind
in my spirit
i know
location is far
but your
loyalty is on par
this is for a longtime
this is for the long haul
i like you
will lock this
look
definitely this is not lost
it is a sure found
LOVE

xoxo

some windows open
by force
by clicking
by checking
by pushing
by pulling
but this interface needs a user
the user is me
i open my window
i open my heart
i open everything
to experience again
to feel again
to love again
to be loved again
and this is one hell
of a user interface
this user interaction
is a
universe intersection
i found my red string
we found the You(U) and I
on each other
and i can't be grateful enough
for giving me the U in my I

xoxo

i  miss you
very much
very often
very frequently
it will never
vanish or even
vaporize
it will just
volumize
more and more
this is
voluntary
i surrender my
vulnerability
coz this love is
visible
this will be
viral
vocal
******
vital
vivacious
viable
even if just for now
it is just
virtual

xo

i thought i knew exactly what it meant
to have found a person who makes you feel whole
to want so badly for them to be near
to ache for their touch or a fleeting glance
or simply to hear their voice
i've written and sung and told tall tales
of love both lost and found
but nothing has ever come close
to the words i write for you


for you are magnificently strange, wonderfully infuriating,
absolutely maddening, and unconsciously kind
you consistently captivate every crevice of my soul
unknowingly pulling me closer and closer
and one day, i'm sure,
you'll pull me right into your arms
and all will be well

some days are worse than others. the tide pulls me under most times.

no buoy or life jacket to keep me afloat.

it's more like an anchor dragging me down into the depths.

some days I can hardly even breathe. my chest hurts from the moment I wake up to the moment I try to sleep.

but I'm just sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness I can never swim in.

i look in the mirror and the smile I see is not the one you gave me so long ago.

its just a ghost of a memory I can never get back.

i'm getting better at tricking the darkness into letting it's grip off of my heart.

i'm getting better at keeping my head above water.

i'm getting better at pretending it's all alright even though I'm constantly breaking inside.

i don't know how much more I can break.

i sure do miss you being here.

you were my life jacket that kept me safe from the most devastating hurricanes.

i don't know what I did to make it all go away.

please come home.