sticky walls hug my heart, forever closing in
I'm trapped inside, secretly I
never felt my skin

neither have I ever felt the entrails of another
the very core the center most
all just seem like covers

for some, of course, this isn't true, and great respect to that
but I have no word for myself
I simply am abstract

over time
aspects will adjust some
I never feel the same two days
never like the same two names
and thus, my gender's Custom

I refuse to be imprisoned by them;
Formed in a spring of meaning
And specificity;
Then gradually
Sculpted, sanded and smoothed
In the oppressive surf of banality.

Woman. Wife. Mother.
Genius. Fat. Beautiful.
Liberal. Conservative.

I won’t let them
Bend me at the waist
Bow my head
Contort my arms

Define me.

Instead I return to the spring

plunge in

dissolve


emerge



a mist.

I am the label,
The label isn't me

When a pop star dies people want to know who to blame
When a homeless person dies they are labelled insane

.


My ears still find their way
near mouths
who are likely to label me
as Beautiful,

Somehow
their opinion
makes it
more real;
believable,
I doubt my own sincerity
Am I not bound to be
partial
to myself?

Am I?
When half the time
I'm not myself
at all.

.

I can feel the oceans inside the skin under my eyes
I can feel the pain that tints my cheeks
I can feel the unsettling feeling of being lost
I can feel everything
but I understand nothing,
I feel lost
like I'm trapped under water
with a thin sheet of ice above me
and I'm trying to breathe
but it hurts
because my lungs are restricted by my blood
my roots making me sink even deeper
roots that have implanted me in the depths of the ocean
by faith
not by me
I kick with my feet and throw my weak fists in the bubbles created  by my deep breaths
and I try to scream but it echoes inside my lungs
its as if my body knows I'm already drowning
'there is no use', its as if it understands why no one should hear those screams
its like my body knows that I don't want to live in it
sometimes I feel like
when I kiss you
my hands tremble
and I sink deeper
I look into your eyes
I scream into my lungs
I should love you, why do I not love you?
why is my heart mistaken?
why am I still trapped under a label?
If I cant feel am I still human?