I can not grasp the ******* perception of time
It seems that I do not understand present from past
And it kills me inside
Slowly ripping my mind apart
Numb heart, it feels every thing at once and nothing at all.
All of it is felt outside
Am I even here?
Not dreaming, dark circles. Never asleep but not fully awake.

She doesn't know me, nor recognize me anymore,
as if the trees have changed shades of blue they never were
and dandelions have melted into an orange color.
She stood back in a shocked unacknowledgement
a painful stare right through my flustered skull
taking notice to every little ant but silly old me;
the chilled sizzles in her passionate eyes
passing by my attention seeking debonair,
easier than skipping stairs on her way
out of work every Friday afternoon.
she sometimes speaks to me, but the tides are shallow,
and our depths couldn't even bathe a babe.
Red flakes of the greatest nothing
incapable of breathing the slightest spark in her mind,
but her blazing hair has caught my attention.
Flaking embers that have sprinkled thousands of burnt marks
upon my coarse skin
like freckles stained to my body unable to be brushed off.
Her burnt heart is on my sleeve but I'm afraid not in my arms;
a fire pulsing through my veins like a slightly more addictive ******
because she is my little red, of course, from afar
and that is all I could ask for
no more, no less
because she is my little red

.
She sits for most of the time,
in a metal chair with wheels.
Counting out the value of life
with an injury that never heals.

She waits for most of the time,
to confirm that she is really there.
But how many people notice her
sat down in her wheel-chair.

She's invisible for most of the time,
she is there but nobody spies.
So she spreads her tiny wings
and floats unnoticed to the skies.

She cried for most of the time,
always alone and lonely in a crowd.
Now flying free her spirit rises,
there's no discrimination in the clouds.


© Pagan Paul (25/12/16)

A girl sits alone on worn, cracked steps
Not seen by any, but seeing of all
She sees the beauty, and lovely things
She sees the ugly, and tragic things

People pass by the worn steps, isolated from all
They need to see, she thinks
To see the beautiful and lovely things
To see the ugly and tragic things

Pen in hand, paper on lap
Chewing on lip, taking a breath

She writes of tenderness,
A cheeky child grinning as he embraces his mother

She writes of adrenaline,
A reckless teen screaming as he jumps off a waterfall

She writes of anguish,
An old man sobbing as he holds his lifeless dog

She writes of loneliness,
A girl sitting alone on worn, cracked steps

Dear life,
Let these closings of long battles
And roads of new exploration be my new path for a new serene normalcy.
May these paths lead to answers,
Answers of who I am.
It's been so long since I've been the real me it hurts to a pain staking degree.
Trying to remember what once was me.
Nothings normal, all I once knew is now forgotten and gone.
You cannot expect to accomplish a new road in life, without having the knowledge of how to overcome its new and demanding challenges.  Simply its obstacles are to great to exceed without knowledge. And even scarier to face. Not knowing the unknowing being thrown to survive in the Lions den.
As a writer I write,  my thoughts, feelings and dreams.
I feel like a caged animal
At a zoo, behind glass
Looking at my once life
Now held captive
From this disease.
I miss my old life, I progressed so far.
Able to challenge my strength of mind,body and soul
Each and every day.
Now that is gone.
Grateful yes I am
Sad and *******?
You better bet.
Although grateful, I am not in good standing with the life I lead  now.
I never asked for this change, I loved my then life and only pleaded for the healthiest body. So I may be the best I could be in all strengths from muscular to mental.
I would love to see the old me and old life I once had.
I would apologize with all my might for whatever I did for it to stop accepting me.
Then maybe I would learn how to live this new resistant relationship I am in.
It's hard to accept that your own body is fighting its every move and with its every move it is literally chipping a little by little of your life and freedom away.
All you can do is wonder why and watch it pay severe tolls each day.
If I cannot return to the past then please may my future be at a level of any normalcy that my present future lacks.
For the sake of my mind and all who are a very important part of it.

You're gold?
Yeah gold plated
What's underneath your skin?
Abbreviated
Silence longing
Life sold cheap
You reap what you know
Selling yourself
Where is it getting your mental health?
To be a make up covered scar
Instead of a star
Chain smoking to fill your time
Life is lived through the eyes of grime
We are in your little band
Miserable we still don't understand
Life in conflict makes a good story
You tell yourself I don't want to be ordinary
Debt ridden though and poor
You're fighting your invisible war
and yet the people and the politicians don't care anymore
You tell yourself it'll get better
The glass half full to aspire
Lights your fire
are you burning bright
Or burning away

This feeling persists
A ghostly feeling like I don’t exist
A hollow wall of ash and dust
Punched through with an iron fist
A haunted house, an empty room
Packed to the rim with a rusty mist
Ladies and gentlemen, riddle me this…
If a tree falls among the crowd,
If the tree breaks but makes no sound,
Does it even exist?

http://convozine.com/ominous/39513

I sit here crying tears for hours, tears no one ever sees
I scream words no one ever hears
I sing my sorrows no one ever seems to comprehend
I shout my anger but no one ever cares
It's almost as if I'm invisible
Here in this dark abyss
With no one to protect me
I'm bare...
cold...
and alone...

Invisible

Muted by the silence that I chose

Paralyzed by the fear of acting for myself

Trapped in a cage of my creation

I die in every way I try to live

Pain made me numb

Being numb renders my emotions absent

Like a dog patiently waiting for his owner that died

Like a child without a home

Like a cigarette lit but not smoked

Like a star who's light could never reach our eyes

I feel like all these things

Sad, lonely, pointless and invisible

Like I've always been.

Like I'll always be.