Dang,
it feels like you all want me to lose,
I thought you’d be relieved,
to know that I emerged victorious from the abuse,

it’s as if just surviving wasn’t enough,
but I also have to be humbled even more,
is having guns in your face and being beaten to a pulp,
not enough I need to be humiliated some more,

but that’s okay,

because sticks and stones may break my bones,
but words will never hurt me,
and I’ve been through a lot worse than some words,
so your opinions written in literary form will never hurt me,

don’t confuse my confidence with cockiness,
because if you do then it’s you that’s confused,
I should be celebrated not player hated,
it wasn’t easy and still isn’t easy getting through the abuse,

but many claim it’s ego,
like I should stay depressed just because I’ve been depressed,
as if I should lay over and give up,
as if I should curse everything for which I’ve been blessed,

what is it that disgusts you so much about success?

You don’t know what I’ve been through,
don’t confuse my being resilient as me being a Narcissist,
honestly I am more humble than you might think,
plus I know any moment I could go off into eternity,

nothing is permanent,
especially not the moment we are in currently,

so please stop throwing stones at my head,
because of some pre-conceived notions you red,
of some words that I said,
that were the result of some cuts that were bled,

I mean seriously what do you want me to do,
would you rather I just die in defeat than live in my truth,
would you rather I allow myself to be pushed of the edge,
than find a way to persevere and pull though?

See I’m as depressed as you I hurt too,
but the difference is I don’t want you to lose,
I want you to be victorious and write yourself into the light,
because Love over Hate is what I every time choose to choose,

Dang,
it feels like you all want me to lose,
I thought you’d be relieved,
to know that I emerged victorious from the abuse…

∆ LaLux ∆

Your eyes are like diamonds
Before they were compacted
Your lips are as soft as a peach
Pit cut in half
Your skin is as white and smooth as paper
After it has been crumpled and singed
Your body is as beautiful as
That of a manatee
Don’t worry, maybe you look like a mermaid

from a distance

sad to know that i could compliment you a thousand times, yet it takes one negative comment to wash that all away

when i was younger,
afternoons meant screaming matches;
sorry, i mean screaming
lectures, maybe
or sessions
never matches-
we were never allowed to reply
or she'd scream louder and
louder.

i grew up ashamed.
ashamed of my body
ashamed of my personality
ashamed of my quirks and ticks
ashamed of what made me, me
i hated them.
i wanted to strip them away,
peel off my skin,
bleach my face,
burn my hands,
remove anything
that made me her target.
to this day, i still
hold out hope
that i may one day
stop hating myself.

crying was a weakness
unworthy of comfort
i have no memory
of being comforted
or held
just
alone
my pillow and my stuffed animals
for company
oh, how i longed to be held
just once
just for a moment,
someone to hold me up
when i couldn't breathe.

she used to tell us
the reason she screamed so loudly
was because she had tried, in the past
to speak softly.
apparently, we never listened.

i don't remember her
ever speaking evenly
i don't remember a day
without screams
(oh the screams)
filling the house, my mind
and even if she had tried so hard
to be quiet with us, and failed,
aren't mothers supposed to be patient,
even if the children do not listen?

i hated the way she would scream, yes
but more than that i hated
the way she would tower over me
face inches from mine,
eyes alight with what i could only
describe as
pure hatred
the image still haunts me
i'm still scared of her eyes, sometimes.

she gets so mad, sometimes.
i'm convinced she is not aware,
she does not remember
the things she says
when she is taking out her anger
on me.
a blind rage.
isn't that all i am?
an outlet for her anger?
the antagonist to her lead character?
the useless child she has to drive to school
for two more years?
will i ever be anything but
the result of years of anger?
the target of her mockery?
the recipient of her insults?
will i ever be more than
ugly
*****
disgusting
manipulative
evil
fat
stupid
dumb
unca­ring
unloving
ungrateful
a monster
a brat
a demon
a pig
an animal
boring
antisocial
timid
unlikeable
unwanted?

i have only ever known her to be sharp
harsh
disgusted with anything i do
that's why it hurts
when she gives me brief hugs,
smiles,
tells me she only screams
because she loves me
because i know
her intentions are pure
if her actions
are knives slotted between
my ribs.

Throw your insults at me like I am being ******.
Don't expect someone to jump in.
Long ago, I was disowned.
No one will ask how I am or have been.

I stand in the middle of the town circle.
The whole town stares at me, aiming their rocks.
At me, they all shout and call.
This whole situation is somewhat of a paradox.

If it were one of them up here,
they would scream for help.
They would want to disappear.
Just like I, they would scream and whelp.

But since it isn't them needing someone,
they are hiding behind a huge mask.
I have literally no one.
Alienation is a hard enough task.

So why come after me?
What did I do?
I'd be much happier alone and hanging from a tree
rather than being the main attraction at the zoo.

I am sick of your degrading
Constant constricting critique
You take criticism way too far
Tired of the negative words you speak

So stand there in your self-righteous glow
Throw ugly insults in a slur
The burning words you know I despise
That I am a little too much like her..

Remember the flame,
How much it hurts,
It all seems the same,
But I’m not really sure.

Remember the pain,
How it can sting,
Recall the shame,
All of the things,

Breaking you down,
Taking your core,
Can’t make a sound,
As loud as the floor.

Remember the laughing,
Take home the insults,
This can’t be happening,
Unable to repulse.

Bring all your tears,
Lay them aside,
You know the fears,
But not all the lies.

Show all your scars,
Give them to me,
I’ll make them ours,
I’ll set you free.

I’ll heal your rashes,
Wear them instead,
I’ll hold your ashes,
Only if you lend.

Why the mockery ?
The insults ?

am i not enough ?

Why the shaming ?
The teasing ?

am i too different?

Why the abuse ?
The harassment ?

Why me ???
Scold me now !!
And be done with me...
Please...i beg of you...
no mas ...

"God you look horrid
Do something about your weight"

I find it kind of funny
How you can hurl the exact same insult

Before and after I shed 100 pounds