When it finally hits me,
It’s no stunning realization.

Time,
People,
They both seem to ebb and flow around me.
Pushing, shoving, guiding, needing.
I’m in the current of life.

In this river of time and space,
I look for a life raft,
A float,
Anything to bring a spark back to my body,
To make me want to fight again.

But it is in the dead of the night,
In this current that continues to throw me around,
That I realize I am alone,
And no one is coming for me.

The sinking feeling of an anchor dropping down to the bottom of the sea
Hopelessness
Waves slamming you against the shore again and again, gasping for air and only getting lungs full of sand
A lifeless body being spit out by the ocean
The tide gently caressing it
Like you would caress a sick child
Only to pull it back in
Where it will be swallowed by the depth
Remembered no more

TW: suicide / cancer / brutal imagery

july isn't a good month for me
it is a collection of all the things
i have had taken away. it is a
bitter winter chill through a
summer i do not get to enjoy.
july is lonely.
it breaks apart all the other months
like a pack of werewolves; it is
their alpha and i have six months
before everyday is a full moon
and my legs are tired of running
from it. i have six months to
enjoy the fresh scent of crisp air,
to feel the iciness of snow without
shivering through my skin. i try
to break out of this body, try to
knit myself a new one out of
preloved sweaters hoping their
stories will become my own so that
i may have a july worth talking about.
suicide happens all year round but
your suicide happened in july and
has happened every month in my
mind since. i have lost count of the
way i try to contact you to say
i'm sorry.
maybe my spiritual journey wasn't
my own; i convince myself the
universe will show me your face again
one day and i hope it is not in july.
people suffer from cancer throughout
everyday of the year but you suffered
in july. i watched the sunset through
hospital windows, smelt more chemicals
than fresh flowers, held back more
tears than my throat knew how to
swallow. has anyone ever drowned
without being submerged in water?
i have.
i imagined cracking my skull off the
glass confining you to this ward, to
this smell of microwave meals and
this buzzing of machines echoing
like an emergency and my heart is
on standby, i imagined it would give
the ward some colour because i am
so sick of seeing white.
and this july
this july,
i hold your hand as your treatment
continues. i do not feel the sun on
my face because you cannot feel it
on yours. i watch the sunset through
windows. carry the bodybag of my
soul around in "i'm fine" and "i'm okay."
i don't think my voice could drip
with any more sadness as i envision the
words cascading down glass panels
hoping if i spell it out for the world
to see, someone will stop and ask me
why i hate july, or at least,
if i'm okay.

a withered husband,
failed by life
tells me the story
that keeps him
up at night-

thrown in jail
for showing his face
in a white neighbourhood
after light

while he was being
waterboarded for
his tardiness, his
wife was being
sodemised by
men in uniforms,
trashing their shack
and leaving her with a
child with blue eyes

-he was left with
ptsd and an infant
that was birthed
out of a crime

he now awaits for an
apocalyptic flood
to take him out of his
grief knowing that the
love of his life went
through hell knowing
he could’ve protected
her from such demise

he now screams to
the sky asking his
cancer-freed rib and
his adopted son
who left him in this
prison - where is
his rope or knife.

-t.m

I see the red but nothing happens
I look up, but I can't do that
I pinch myself, it didn't hurt
I'm not dreaming, am I?

I look outside, the neighbor's wall's too white
It stung my eyes, I thought I'd cry
Good thing I didn't, or they'll ask why
Please don't ask why

I turn the faucet on, nothing flows
I know I paid the bills
I'd pay the bills twice if I had to
I just need the faucet to work

I took a bath, the water's nice
I don't have a bath tub though
I wish I did, so I could see
How my sins would turn the water opaque

Let the water fall
I heard there's a waterfall
Somewhere there's a waterfall
I need to get there

I see the black but nothing happens.