Ninah Dau May 2017
this place
this smell
had nothing to do with you
nor you had been here
nor had i
and i tried my best not to stain it
but i pictured you beside me
and that is how i let you haunt me
Ninah Dau Mar 2017
for so long
i pushed the last morsels of my wounded heart
on my tasteless mouth to chew like a toy.
resignation helped cease the grief
outside the seams of my racked enough brain,
but then
you rummaged through strings and dreams
trying to reach out to me, violently.
of course i kept fretting on the costs of your unwitting love
soon, illness and fatigue crept within me
my heart, careless of iniquities,
had finally embraced its meekly destiny
stored as a dusty shelf memory
but i, tottering on the brink of the grave
stood still, loving you

armorless, wistfully,
curiosity was born from isolation,
questioning myself why you keep running
but i cannot scape you;
perhaps the budding silence that exists
between the comely swears of my adoration
and the elated memory of who you once were
keeps my feebly soul attached to mortal expectations,
even when, quite frankly, we both know
the untold truths hidden within this fondness,
but still i hope i'm not as forgettable
as your silence is making me feel.

i hope to forgive myself one day,
when the sea strands collide with the vastness
of the chaotic ocean, to lay calmly,
safely, into the arms of whoever's devotion
they may fall.
for i pray this sadness to cease
but oh, who i am without this pain, my love.

certain i am for i am not yours,
neither am i the only one,
and i do not wish to step away
but neither do i know how to stay.
Ninah Dau Mar 2017
today, this dull city looked so beautiful surrounded by the foggy march rain. how lovely the smell of freshly cut out grass. i am not known to fancy sunlight but even a night creature would be fond in such a delight. the covers are no longer needed, although i still get caught under them at times. j, on this marvealous day, for once no bitterness lived within me, instead i sat down next to my window-pane to be amazed by uncertainty, i was left wondering if you would find yourself fond in the mesmerizing beauty of all the things we have yet to learn. dear, i hope this day greeted you well, with the sun shining through, for i fear you stay inside and let no light kiss you enough, for i hope you are well even if things may seem to have no way out at times.

written in my closed curtained room
smiling wide for you

Ninah Dau Nov 2016
for how long can i go
without loving you out loud
before my teeth break
for bitting down on themselves
before my soul aches
to message you late at night
looking for old answers
with the same old questions

for how long will my heart beat
without you loving me
before it stops, tears, and breaks,
snapping the pain away like ink spills
from the old pens i keep

fow how long can i breathe the smoke
(if i were ever to quit smoking
but i'm not)
before my dry lips crust to their very core
becoming a thirsty slave again
from your puddles drinking dirty water
prasing you like the god you are not

fow how long can i exist in this sliver
burying my brain into the depthness of nothingness
I made myself become
voided, meaningless, so proud of all the bitterness
i never planned it out to be like this
but  it is such a beautiful thing to be out of feelings
unpure feelinds, lonely feelings, loving feelings,
shallow feelings, with you feelings, anxious feelings

fow how long will my poems sing about you
without cutting you with its sharp tongue twisted knife
before i can not longer crawl back to you at night
because it's so late and you're so tired and the never ending pain
keeps growing within me; (i wonder if you have ever noticed
all the bad you have caused me just by existing near me
so far away from me, outgrowing me like bad weed)

for how long have i loved you now
for how long have you not cared
drowing in front of my eyes,
in front of the mirror my poems have made me out of
ought to confront the not only wrecking but defeating battle
of loving the unloving, you;
for you were never one to settle
and it was pathetic of me to think
you could ever love me
for how often i realize that someone like me
doesn't end up with someone like you

i suppose i can only fool myself long enough
until i forget why i need to
but even that is not long enough, apparently
Ninah Dau Sep 2016
it saddens me that this letter may not come as a surprise, even tho all my poems seem to promise you a last goodbye. i can't help being caught up in this game, it's been so long, it's now too late. i know. on the way home, in the long track that follows the subway, as both of us know, i find myself thinking of you. with the heat and the night covered windows, the only stars that light my way are blured houses, homes, and into that nostalgia my thoughts keep running back into you. i can't find the words that would express you in good fine detail how deeply sorry i am, but at least i can let you know i won't be forgetting you soon. it's been so long and you're so tired. i know. however my heart and hand are connected and in the perfect balance that they keep i must confess you my love once more, for if you ever doubt it, for if you never do: dear, i am so madly in love with you and i'm so close to my house, but home is far away, with you.

love letter to j
written on a subway,
on my way home at 8:45pm

Ninah Dau Sep 2016
everything reminds me of you
the dancing trees,
the warm summer breeze,
the falling leaves,
the long subway rides home
when i leave and when i come back
all those times i stood in your front door and left
that late night birthday call,
i was so scared you wouldn't pick up
and more so when you did
it's hard to talk to you when all i want to say is i love you
and it slips in every single poem
you seem to ignore for the best of us
i try to let go but you see
it's been so long and still
i can't i can't i can't
Ninah Dau Aug 2016
a quick chat long note
saying how much i loved you
from the very first poem

you found no words
'i need to see you' you said
but when i asked you to meet the very next day
'it's too early to meet up' you said

you say

but even that doesn't matter
because when i said i loved you
for the very last time
you held me tightly; there in between your arms
it was the only place where i did not belong
i belong deep in your memory
so you can look back on me
and tell other people
about how much i loved you
but how you could have never
loved me back
Ninah Dau Jul 2016
from everything we said
from everything we did
that one and only time you called me love
meant everything to me

you stepped back, smiling wide
i held my tongue from saying i loved you
you weren't ready to hear it; neither was i
i'm sure you felt it either way

but oh dear; words
how little they mean
when you're little too late

you love, my love
not me, your love
always you, my love
it was always about you

my love
my love
my love

you loved me once
never again

— The End —