home is where it wasn’t home.

home. it felt more like a place but felt like home when leaving.

home is my brother and his blue eyes.

home is can you make me breakfast and watch TV with me?

home is the hot soup grandma makes.

home is Janis Joplin singing.

home is where birds are chirping dancing.

home is that door never closing.

home. is that door open anymore?

home is Venus… and my cosmos.

home is red and red was home.

home is where it wasn’t home.

home is where i wish was home.

home? where is home anymore?

If I saw my grandma today I’d hug her and tell her I understand
I understand why words of affection fell from your lips like young birds unequipped to fly
Why I the love yous were more gestures than genuine
Of courses it was there, it had to be.
that need to remind that you choose life was your receipt for its price
Cause it cost you your youth and taxed your marriage
You meant well, but when you’re a straight shooter there’s bound to be miscues
How can you expect a kid to sail across troubled waters when their sails are clipped by sharp deterring words
Your eyes distant with lack of recognition but you expect connection
A gaze filled with disgust cause you look in the mirror and you don’t like what you see.
A reflection of you that can’t be recognized
Grandma who hurt you?
I know who hurt my mom, but who hurt you?

To the woman who took me on as an extra grandkid when I lost my grandma and never got to say goodbye
I am sorry I couldn't say goodbye to you too.

To the woman who assured me I wasn't a failure and I could do anything I set my mind to
I am sorry I can't be strong right now.

To the woman i lived with for three years
I am sorry I haven't stopped by to visit again.


My heart is so heavy right now
without you I am struggling to breathe.


And even though I hate hugs, I grew to love your hugs.

Rest in Peace Mrs. Houde.

When we went to church
my grandma used to say
"Pray for the one next to you,
ask for his prayers to come true"

"But, grandma" I once asked her
"Why can't we ask for things for ourselves?"

"Because that's what prayer should be,"
she answered graciously
"ask for the safety of others,
for them to get home safe,
for them to never be hungry,
ask for God to love all of his children.

We can get by,
but you never know if others can too."

a man reads not for enjoyment but to pass the time.
the time that a woman is holding onto because of uncertainty.
the uncertainty of life that hangs like a blade in the air.
the air muddled and rotten with sickness.
the sickness spills over from one body to the next.
“let’s get soup after this”
anything warm, anything comforting.

I basked in the joy of the chord
In the vibrations of the perfection
Of harmonies that reverberated to my core
That sang deep to my soul

Those notes were familiar
The dynamics lowered and lifted
Me through the air in the lofted church
Ceiling and stained glass reflections

As my daughter sang from the mass of robes
I remembered singing from that same stage
On that same white marble stage where
I stood with my mom so many years ago

A smile and a tear leapt up from my heart
As I remember those chords with my mom
So happy she was to be looking down
At her granddaughter singing so sweet