you were a wound that wouldn't stop bleeding, i was the gauze volunteering itself. i don't know why i never accepted that you only ever put yourself first; i guess i thought if i loved you fiercely enough you would see that i was worth placing at least second. i think of our softer moments and it takes all i have to keep from unravelling, even though they only lasted as long as the summer did. sitting beside you in your hospital bed late june, i know now that you just needed a distraction from your detox, and that it wouldn't have made a difference if I'd just stayed home.
it's 7:25 in the morning and i'm outside smoking a cigarette beside grass so cold that it appears blue. nothing will rid me of my thoughts reluctantly drifting to you. thought takes shape in the form of smoke clouds billowing out from my lungs on this quiet morning. i realize now what little concern i have for my own well-being. you never warned me of how abruptly you would change; i was the poor ******* who saw your flaws and decided to keep loving you anyway.
i think of the feeling of when we kiss and how i can almost taste your soul and so the breakdown begins. i loved you so tenderly. i remember the spring. i guess our moments were just moments to you, but to me, they were the beginning of our life together.