I’m not blaming you for everything
You weren’t the only person who played a part in this
But you knowingly lit the first match
You set off a fire in my heart, but that wasn’t good because my heart was a fuse that connected to my soul, and my soul was a bomb
When my soul exploded I was gone
There was nothing else left
You’re not the only one at fault
I am at fault too for letting this go so far
You need to be careful where you go with that lighter, because not all girls are immune to fire
Some are like me and made of straw, while others are stronger and won’t catch fire at all
But some are made of water and won’t hesitate to put out your fire if you try to break them like you did to me
So goodbye.
I can leave now for two reasons:
The first is that I don’t have to be worried about breaking my own heart when I leave, because you made sure that once you were done with me there wouldn’t be anything left to break.
It’s hard to shatter broken glass
And the second reason?

I don’t care about your heart anymore.

When we ran,
I let my curiosity run with me.
Then I grew to wonder,
Why you ran with me,
After that little goal,
Which, in a way, drew you out,
Bringing me to suspect…
Is what they say true?

As I sat there,
Writing in my journal,
I wanted to pour out,
Alas, I did not,
Not yet, in the least.

Why am I feeling this again?
I have only scratched the surface,
Yet it feels like I know it all,
Like I have known you,
And you are just so familiar,
Alas, I cannot place my finger upon it,
So how can this be?

One day, you may see this and wonder,
But wonder no more,
For I will one day tell you,
So that your confusion may be put to rest,
Whist I hope this is all for the best,
Dear friend of mine.

- Jay M
September 6th, 2018

I want to recover.
I want to open up in therapy
and take my medication like I should.
I want to feel again.
I want this numbness to end.
I want to, I do.

but for that to happen,
my disorders and diagnoses
would have to go away.
I would be left to face
the real world all on my own.

this safe world that my disorders
have built around me would be gone.
I would no longer feel so
disconnected from my body.
I would no longer feel so
disconnected from the world around me.
my disorders would leave me.

I can’t lose any more friends.
I’m still hurt from those endings
that I never saw coming

and whether I like it or not,
these disorder are my best friends.
I can’t lose them yet.
I’m not strong enough.

you sit and eat cereal off my floor.
talk about the way it was before

I know your soul like I know no man's land
You know little about me.
you sit and eat cereal off my floor.
I talk about the things i want to be

ode to the peach tree,
sage leaves and chai tea,
to learning how to play guitar,
to undressed, endless summers
wherever you are.

"i think i'm over you. i still imagine telling you everything, but without an undercurrent of romantic love. in my mind's eye, innocent smiles replace the longing stares. hugs replace the imagined romance. honesty replaces the moments when my tongue was tucked away within my palm.
sometimes my mind sings a sad song, which sends chills through my body and cracks my heart in the right places. the pain seeps through, and it hurts to breathe.
yet as my eyes succumb to the quiet pull of slumber, i see the light. when i wake up the next morning, my mind is clear, and my heart is free."

i have always
lived in the past,
dragging around
this melancholy heart
looking for lost places
or past loves.
i guess i lost myself
a little too much
in you this time.

I know you like to be alone.
I know you like to do things on your own.
But some day, you're going to want a friend, so I was wondering,
Would you let me catch you
When you fall?
Would you let me be the one you'd call?
Would you let me help you end a fight?
Would you let me be the one
Who texts good night?
I know you don't want to rely on anyone,
But in the end,
Would you let me be your friend?

I have to say the silence is deafening yet the silence has a different sound to it.  

Silence keeps me from running my mouth where I shouldn't. Silence keeps me at peace.  

When you pull silence closer to you. The silence is no longer an enemy but the silence is a friend.

Silence can be more a friend than the people who say they're your friend. The silence helps calms me down as a baby who is calm being rocked and soothed to sleep.

The silence helps me heal into the person I'm supposed to be like how nature functions so naturally.

The silence breaks down walls that I never knew could be broken down.

The silence builds and keeps on building.

Silence can really be a person's best friend.