December is approaching
The date I dread is soon upon me
The date we should have celebrated
But its not Christmas
It your birthday, the one we stopped celebrating in 2009
My heart became empty that birthday of mine
The birthday your head started bleeding
Just a week apart, you and me
Forever linked in the same sign
Now tattooed on my arm to always have you with me
Dear Grandpa, I love you so

The saddest part to me,
Is that I never truly understood,
Why you did the things that you did,
And the choices that you made.

Even after all this time,
It’s been about two years or maybe three.
Things still seem so surreal,
I don't think things will ever truly go back to the way they used to be.

You were seized by a monster,
A monster that never let you escape,
That monster we call addiction,
It comes in many different forms.
Whether smoking, or drinking, or abusing, or lying,
It can be anywhere at any time.

We all knew you had a problem,
It wasn’t a secret kept hidden from view,
You were smoking and drinking and losing yourself,
And there was nothing I could do.
I learned quickly to avoid addictions,
And my teacher was you.

I don’t quite know how long you had done this,
All I know is that I saw a lot,
I wished and I hope that you would change,
That maybe one day you would stop.

I know that you tried,
You were in a fight that was near-impossible to win.
Deep down you were fighting your hardest,
At least that’s what I hope you did.

Sometimes I would ask you why,
Why you never just quit,
As if I thought it was easy,
Now I know that you dug yourself a pit,
A deep pit.

God has given me a blessing,
I can’t stand cigarette smoke at all,
If I inhale just a little,
It gives me a headache and makes me feel like I’ll fall.

Christmases came and gone,
We’d have fun but then you would cough,
And cough, and cough some more.
Another harsh reminder,
Of what was in store.

You never looked well.
You always looked sick in the face.
You would ***** and some days never get to eat.
You would even sometimes struggle to catch your breath.

Sometimes you would try to talk to me,
And I could tell that you were drunk,
I would just ignore you,
Probably wasn’t the best thing to do.

You used to say funny things,
As funny as they were stupid,
You could always put a smile on my face,
Sometimes I miss those things you used to say.

Sometimes I would look at you,
And I wouldn’t see the uncle that I knew,
It was some dark facade you had made up,
From your pain, the alcohol and the cigarettes too.
I wanted nothing to do with you,
I felt betrayed and angry,
How dare you throw your life away,
You have a mother, a sister, a brother that love you,
Not to mention your nephews and nieces.
I thought that you were selfish,
That you didn’t care enough to change,
Sometimes I hated and resented you,
But now that’s no longer the case.

You were gone,
In the hospital,
Your body had had enough.
Mommom was at the house alone,
Things never felt the same.

No more witty sayings,
No more funny lines,
No more playing games,
No more fun times,
All of it shadowed by a thick coat of gray,
And now it was far too late.

I remember there was a time when you came back,
Thought maybe now you would finally change,
You had seen death’s door,
I hoped you wouldn’t stay the same.

I think you got a bit better,
I thought you had learned your lesson,
Guess I was wrong.

One day they found you,
Lying over your bed,
Head bowed, hands and fingers joined like you were praying,
You were dead.

Mom and Mommom were crying,
I didn’t believe it at first.
How could you be gone?
My brother was crushed.
Dad came to take us away,
As the police came inside the home,
A tragedy that hurt us all,
But the worst thing was,
I thought it was coming all along.

Christmas came around,
No funny lines or remarks to be made.
I think that’s when it hit me the hardest,
That and the fact that the house was so quiet,
It was like a nightmare you could not wake from.
This wasn’t a fallacy it was reality,
And I wasn’t in control.

So many questions went through my mind.
Why didn’t you just quit?
Why did you leave us behind?
The biggest one that stood out like a sore thumb,
Why didn’t you even try?

Your funeral came around,
Another body lowered into the ground.
There was plenty of sorrow to be found,
And from your room, not a sound.

When summer came the removal began,
First was all of the comics and other books.
Then was your furniture and bed.
The rest of the stained carpet was removed.
It looked like a completely different room.
A new carpet was put in the place of the old one.
The walls got a fresh coat of paint.
Your room became a secondary room for fabric aplenty,
For all of the sewing projects Mommom would make.

When the room was clear,
Before all the fabric moved inside,
Sometimes I would go into the room,
And just stand.
I’d think of what it used to be,
The place where you formerly resided.
I’d think of what could have been,
Sometimes that’s all someone can do.
But this is the way it went,
The way that the story ended.

You were only human,
And you made a dumb mistake,
And you became addicted,
And you couldn’t get away.
I know that you tried.
As hard as you could,
I just wish you were still here,
And you did what you should.

I think you could have changed,
If only you had a bit more time
However, was the one thing,
That we didn’t have.
That’s the hardest thing to cope with.

I know that life will be hard,
And I know that it won’t always be easy,
But I know that there are better ways to cope,
Then tearing your life apart.

I know that you tried your hardest,
And I wish that you tried a bit harder,
And I hope that one day,
I’ll talk to you again,
The man freed from his burdens.

And if not…
I hope that you know,
Someway, somehow you know,
That your nephew loves you more…
Than he ever got to show,
And you ever got to know.

My neighbors to the right,
Every other day I would go to the fence.
So I could gaze at your house,
To see if I could figure out what was going on over there.
It always looked so secluded back in the corner.
It was quite the view.

I remember we would visit,
Once or twice every other week.
Maybe even more often than that.
My memories have begun to blur.
We would talk to you,
And I would listen to your stories.
Of how things were back then,
And I would fantasize about how things were in your time.

I would explore
The mysteries on your property
And my family would fish
In one of two ponds
Holidays were the best
Family all together
The days went flying by
And deep down in my heart
I loved my neighbors on the right

We called you by some nicknames
Couldn’t tell if you liked them or not
But I didn’t care

She would give us doughnuts
Of many different flavors
They were so delicious
That I forgot to savor the time we spent

He would tell us stories and tell us goodbye
Everytime we left he wanted to make sure we were told hi
The little things that made me happy all the time
From my neighbors to the right

Then time ticked on by
And before I knew it years had been left behind
You were getting slower and I was getting older
And we were running out of time

When he was gone I didn’t believe it
Time stood still
Then I began to notice
How empty things felt
And the deafening silence

We kept coming over to see your smiling face
And even though one was gone your joy never ceased
I could tell when we walked into the room it made your day as much as it made mine
But I knew it wouldn’t last forever
And time was running out

And time kept moving on
Things came and went with time
And deep down inside my heart I knew
I was losing my neighbors to the right
Time kept chasing me
And before I knew it years gone by
Middle school was coming to its end very quickly
And all I wanted to do was go back
And talk to my neighbors on the right

You started slowing down even more
And things started to sway far away from normal
To tell the truth it scared me greatly
I didn’t want to believe the worse
But I wasn’t naive enough to believe the best
Things went from bad to worse
Time started to go slower
I enjoyed every little visit
Every tiny conversation
But deep down in my heart
I’d fear that any one of those visits
Would have been the last
And eventually it was

Mom and Dad ran up to see you
But you were gone before they even made it there
But when they left
I felt that something wrong would happen
Turns out I was right
When Mom and Dad delivered the news
I couldn’t even think about what to do
That night was the hardest
Even though I thought I was ready
I was dead wrong
The loss finally hit me
And I fell apart
All the memories flashed over
And all the times that I passed up
Listening to all your stories
And all the times I decided to stay home
Instead of visiting with you two
Guilt was knocking at the back of my brain
All the time I wouldn’t get back
All the time I wasted
All the time I spent doing stupid things
Every little thing
Every Christmas where we would visit you
Would never happen again

Still didn’t believe it weeks later
Sometimes I would be in my room and randomly cry
I assumed the reason was
Because I thought about you again

Dad wanted to buy the house
The place where his memories lied
Mom knew we couldn’t
I never saw my Dad cry before
The family went by and grabbed all the stuff
Until the house was barren inside and out
All I wanted was a windmill
But it was already gone

And time ticked on by
Before you know it nine months have gone by
A new owner for the house you once lived in
My neighbors to the right

My family went fishing one last time
One last chance before it was too late
To enjoy ourselves in what once was
It didn’t work for me
I felt I had to leave
My Mom asked where I was going and I said to think
A lot of thinking I did
In hindsight I should have just stayed
I walked up to the front door and tried to get inside
It was locked so I checked the other doors
No luck so I sat down on the front porch and sighed
I wanted to kick down the door so bad
To see what had happened in the home I so adored
But it was futile I knew
So I just let my brain go of the rails
The memories began to flash back
And I felt a presence to my left and my right
Regret and guilt exploding in my mind as we watched the sun set
Before I knew it, it was time to go
So I said goodbye
The house set so still
As we drove into the night
As I looked back at the house
I felt something inside
A feeling of intense sadness
I think a part of my heart died

My Dad would talk about what he should have done
He should have bought the house
I feel conflicted because deep down in my heart
I feel just fine where I am
All I have ever known is in my house
While his is just to the right
A battle of memories
A fruitless fight
He knows it couldn’t have been done
And that is why I think it hurts him so much
He may think I may never understand
But I do
I envision this scenario every day in my head

Middle school came to a close
You weren’t there to say good job
High school was on the horizon
Before you know it I will be driving
What a scary thought that is

I never told you that I wanted to be a writer
Or that I already was
One of the many regrets
I bet you would have loved what I wrote

Time kept ticking on
As my memories began to blur
I forget the sound of your voices
I thought that I would get used to the pain
Eventually it starts to numb
Until you tear off the band-aid
Many nights in my room
Wishing you were still here
Wishes only get you so far
Especially when what you wish for isn’t real

My family saw a road leading into the property
A road that wasn’t there before
We went to investigate
We should have just drove on by
A bunch of lots eighteen in all
The property cut like a pie
Into a bunch of tiny little pieces
Like a nightmare come to life
I couldn’t believe what I was seeing
How could they do this, it wasn’t fair
But no matter what I thought or I wondered
The deal was already sealed


My neighbors to the right
I sometimes go to the fence
But what I see is not your house
It is a bad dream
I see the lots eighteen in all
As I gaze upon the property
I see construction vehicles sitting by
More like the ruination of precious memories
Not like the driver could care any less
They are clueless and blind to what I see

I miss the different flavored doughnuts
And the stories you’d tell
Oh you don’t know all that I’d give
Just for one more day
To tell you that I love you
MeMaw and PePaw though I bet you already know
Not a day goes by when I don’t think about you
Especially in December.

So my neighbors to the right
When I look over the fence, cover your eyes.
You don’t want to see what I see
Though you already do.
I hope somewhere out there
You're proud of what I have done.
Because no matter what
No matter how long time ticks on
You will always be
My neighbors to the right.

I am my father’s daughter.
His blood flows in mine.
I feel the cursed liquid run through my body,
with every beat of my heart.

It’s like gasoline,
slowly poisoning me –
as it did to him.
My clock reminds me,
with every tick –
“Not much time left!”

There is no escape.
The enemy is inside me,
hunting me down –
just another fallen soul in his way.

I watch myself in the mirror,
my father’s face looks back at me.
I hate what I see, just as much
as I hate him.

But he was just a child once too.
Feeling the same poison run,
through his fragile body.
I pity him.
But I do not forgive.

Grief is not something one simply “gets over.” It’s a profound and transformative process that we learn to carry with us, reshaping it into wisdom and strength. Through my own experiences; surviving a traumatic childhood, navigating a toxic divorce, losing a best friend, and enduring health battles; I’ve come to realize that grief is best navigated with the support of others, not in isolation.

There are essential needs we must honor when mourning: acknowledging the reality of loss, embracing the pain, and leaning on others to help carry the weight. Grief is not an experience to be rushed or solved, but rather a process of reconciliation; a deep acceptance that transforms us. Pain doesn’t vanish, but with time and support, we learn to live alongside it. I’ve walked this path, understanding that grief becomes a part of us, woven into the fabric of who we are, reshaping our identity.

I’ve been incredibly fortunate to have a circle of friends and family whose love has carried me through the darkest moments. My older sister and twin brother, in particular, have been my constant companions in this journey. They were there during my childhood, when trauma was a silent presence. They stood by me through my divorce, when I questioned my worth as a husband and father. And they held me up through the grief of losing my best friend and the challenges of facing health issues that left me questioning my own mortality.

In my journey as a 41-year-old single father to my beautiful 9-year-old daughter, I’ve come to understand the deep depths of grief and the importance of embracing vulnerability. Grief is not merely an experience to endure but a courageous path toward healing and authenticity. It has taught me that acknowledging our pain allows us to connect more deeply with ourselves and others, paving the way for genuine mourning.

Through my experiences in grieving past relationships, I’ve learned that vulnerability is a strength rather than a weakness. Recently, during a theater outing, my daughter witnessed my tears while watching Wild Robot. On our walk home, she courageously asked me which parts of the movie had affected me the most. We paused on a bench, sharing our feelings and reflecting on the moments that sparked emotion within us. Together, we grieved for the old goose Longneck, honoring his courage and bravery for a few quiet moments.

This experience not only deepened our bond but also illustrated to her that expressing emotions is a natural and valuable part of life. In those moments, I realized that fostering an environment where feelings can be shared freely helps nurture resilience and empathy in her. By embracing our vulnerabilities, we honor our grief and create space for love, connection, and understanding, reminding ourselves that mourning is an integral part of our shared humanity. In navigating my own grief, I hope to guide her in finding the courage to authentically experience her emotions as she grows, assuring her that it’s okay to feel deeply and openly in a world that often encourages the opposite.

What I’ve learned is that grief, in its purest form, is a communal experience. The presence of those who care for us is essential. It’s in their company that I’ve found solace, in their compassion that I’ve discovered the strength to keep moving forward. The relationships that have endured through these hardships have been my lifeline, helping me process not only the pain of loss but also the profound sense of survival and rebirth that follows.

In my support group, I’ve found a space where vulnerability is met with understanding, where shared experiences foster healing. These connections have reminded me that we are not meant to bear the weight of our grief alone. My siblings’ generosity and my friends’ loyalty have allowed me to reshape my pain into something meaningful. Through them, I’ve found the courage to keep walking this path, not in spite of the losses I’ve faced, but because of the love that surrounds me.

Grief may be inevitable, but it is not insurmountable. With time, with patience, and with the unwavering support of those who care for us, we can reconcile our losses and create a new understanding of who we are. In the end, it’s the love we receive that helps us carry the grief; and in that love, we find the strength to continue.

—

It’s as if you’ve spent a lifetime in pursuit, tirelessly honing your craft, only to meet the moment you’ve long awaited; and falter. In that instant, the prize you held so tightly slips through your fingers, drifting out of reach, lost forever.

Every step, every sacrifice, has led you here, only for the dream you chased so relentlessly to dissolve before your eyes. The weight of expectation presses down, and the failure burns deep, rending your heart in waves, relentless in its ache.

But at the end, where defeat seemed inevitable, something unexpected awaits. There, beyond the finish line, stand the ones you love most; cheering, smiling, their eyes bright with pride. Their applause whispers a truth louder than your loss: that second place is but a number. In their eyes, you have always been, and will always be, their champion.

— Sincerely, Boris

One sunny summer day.
In the middle of summer break.
A boy was pleasantly surprised to find,
A cat in his backyard.

The cat was frantic at first,
It hid under a vintage, rusted old car,
The boy’s father’s dream lying to waste.
But after some bribery, clean water, and pets,
The cat had gained a new friend.

The cat decided then that it would stick around,
So it was bound and determined to stay relevant.
The boy would take the cat on his nature walks,
Throughout the forest that sprawled all across the backyard.
The cat was loyal, it followed his every step,
And it never resisted when he reached down to pet it.
The purring helped put the boy’s mind at ease,
Something he desperately needed.
It distracted him,
From the pain in his heart.

You see his family of three,
Used to be of four,
But after five long happy years,
Fate came to settle the score.
The family had just begun to settle into their new normal,
When the cat came into their lives,
It was as if fate was apologizing for the way it treated them,
Or maybe that was a self-aware lie.

The cat and the boy bonded like siblings,
The boy would tell the cat what was on his mind,
It was so vivid he nearly tricked himself into believing,
That his late little brother was alive.
A few months later, school began,
And every day the boy would bid the cat farewell.
But something stirred within the cat,
Something told it that things weren’t “well”.

The boy was starting high school,
The weight of the world slowly pressed onto his back.
He never truly comprehended the full magnitude of the situation,
Till it was too late to go back.

The boy was bright amidst a flurry of distorted lights,
It was a shame that he was quiet.
So many ideas he had were laid to waste inside his mind,
Because he was afraid of being wrong instead of right.
But the boy had a major problem,
He was feeling overwhelmed.
His pain was boiling to a head,
And no one was there to comfort him.
How could they understand?
People were siphoning the joy from his life,
The glee he once shared with his brother and then the cat,
It all came to a close one winter night,
When the straw broke the camel’s back…

The cat saw a van covered in flashy lights,
It saw the boy being taken on a metal bed.
As the van sped away, and the boy’s parents followed,
The cat noticed the sky becoming gray.

Hours later, the parents returned,
But to the cat’s dismay,
Only two pairs of feet got out of the car,
As all the pieces fell into place.
And as the thunder boomed,
And the rain poured,
And the parents began to cry,
The cat finally realized:
That the boy had died.

The whole world started to mourn,
Because they knew they had lost a radiant light,
It would be a hard few days,
But nothing compared to that night.
The birds stopped singing,
The crickets stopped chirping,
The dogs stopped barking,
Even the predators stopped hunting,
The world stood still in succor,
Enigmatic bliss.

However in the wake of all the tragedy,
Something inconceivable occurred,
When the parents of the boy walked through their front door,
They left it open with intent.
The cat curiously meandered to the entrance,
As the parents motion for the cat to come in.
After all, the least that they could do was,
Give a home to a family friend…

Raising a daughter has been an unparalleled journey of learning, reflection, and growth. Through the stories of others, I’ve found wisdom that resonates with the deep responsibility and profound love that comes with being a father to my beautiful daughter. One of the greatest lessons I have embraced is that fatherhood is not about control but about nurturing independence. It’s about standing alongside her as she explores the world, offering guidance when she seeks it, and always making sure she knows that my love is her safe place, no matter where life leads her.

I’ve also learned that my role is to model emotional vulnerability. To show her that strength is not in silence, but in expressing her thoughts and feelings with clarity and confidence. This is especially important in a world that often tries to diminish the emotional depth of girls, pushing them to conform to shallow expectations. I want her to understand that her feelings matter, that she is not only allowed to take up space but encouraged to do so fully and unapologetically.

Patience, too, has revealed itself as a critical virtue. I’ve realized that our time together isn’t always about monumental moments but is instead composed of the quiet, steady presence I offer her. She doesn’t need me to be perfect; she needs me to be present. In those small, everyday interactions; the mundane conversations on our walks and on the swing sets, the shared laughter over a meal or movie; our bond grows, and so does her understanding of what a loving relationship looks like.

Finally, I’ve come to appreciate that teaching her resilience is perhaps my greatest duty. Not the kind of resilience that hardens, but the kind that allows her to rise after each fall with grace and strength. I want her to know that failure is never final, that setbacks are simply stepping stones, and that her worth is never defined by the obstacles she encounters. It is in her ability to rise, to face the world with compassion for herself and others, that she will find her true power.

As a single father, I strive to be the kind of man who mirrors these values; not just for her sake but for my own growth, too. Fatherhood is not a journey with a clear destination but a continuous process of becoming. I know that as I guide her, she is guiding me, both of us evolving together in this shared, sacred relationship.

—

I once believed my strength was my own,
Built through hardship and endurance.
But in you, I’ve realized
It’s your presence that keeps me moving forward.

In your laughter, I find hope,
And in your compassion, I understand
That kindness is where real strength lies.
You may be young, but you guide me,
Teaching lessons I didn’t know I needed.

You’ve shown me how to listen,
How to stay patient, and how to nurture growth.
Your resilience is clear in every challenge you face,
You get back up without hesitation.

I’m proud of how independent you’ve become,
Of the way you meet life head-on.
Watching you grow into your own
Is the greatest gift I could have.

You’ve given me strength I never thought I’d need,
And I’m better for having you by my side.

— Sincerely, Boris

You know
I’m still afraid of crowded places—  
My steps,  
Echoes,  
On the staircase,  
Past all those faces,  
But I couldn’t find yours.  

Bunny rabbits,  
I name after you,  
Visit in the summer.  

I should've found you,  

I dreamt of you again,
Sitting by the window,  
Reading newspapers, drinking coffee.  
My red dress, my broken heart,  
The end of a moment—  
Sunny skies, as bright as your eyes.  
I miss your laughter on the phone.  

You know,
I’m still scared of needles,  
But I loved your tattoos and piercings—  

It's a heavy heart,  
Hard to carry,  
Hard to bear these days.  

You baked bread inside of war,  
And somehow, it always tasted like home.  

Your drawings, my office—
Sunflowers and sunshine,  
As if secrets were shared with honeybees,  
Revealing:
How to grow in the dark,  
How to find better days.  

The card you made,  
Ripped to pieces, taped back together—  
All that’s left are shades of gray.  

When the wind rises,  
Do dandelions carry the soul?  

In February—  
When I sit and whisper affections  
To graves,  
I watch them grow.  

Someday,  
When the wind rises,  
Will dandelions carry my soul to you?