Perplexed.
As I looked into his eyes, replaying the conversation in my mind...over and over again.
Studying his mouth curvature and ****** expressions, change from confidence to bewilderment. As I confronted his most recent "story".
Stumbling over words, not even remembering his own storyline, it all came to a head.
It's all a fog. The last 11 months of my life.
A tangled web of fulfillment..loss..love..pain..a seeming friendship..laughter..hurts..euphoria..
..Lies..love making..confiding..trust..deceit..
half truths..embellished stories..frustrations..
Anxiety..joys..thrills..adventures..irrit­ations..charm..
Dream making..intense loneliness.
He built walls...constructed of flowers, love notes, thoughtful gifts, candle lit baths with rose petals and love songs...all in hopes to keep me within the realm of his safety lines.
He lied to make me love him..I lied to myself into believing it was all real.
When lies become your reality..nothing stands against it..not even..the Truth.
Now I sit. Alone. In the center of the shambles of what we fabricated, fallen at my feet.
Eyes opened. Accepting the reality. Weaving through the confusion.
Hope in the unknown..the sun still continues to rise..hearts heal and Love still exists.

I've got a mark on my head from resting on the window
So high I can't control my skeleton
What am I good for?
Flies in my pockets and mind whirling through bounds
I believe for all my life, I've never heard the sound
They said,
"But what will you leave behind?" I guess I'm not afraid of death
I said,
"I'll leave behind love to the lives I was graced to touch."
I've got a mark on my skin for each time I find the blade
So lost to love that I migrate to pain
What am I good for?
Knives in my closet with blood let to loneliness
I believe for all my life, I've never heard the sound
They said,
"A permanent solution." But otherwise went their own.
I wrote,
"I'll leave behind the hate so that you may celebrate."

I've got a bag of nails and a mask upon my face
one extra for you and hammers for us two.
If you don't mind us taking turns, I know just the way to hell.
Maybe you don't believe in gods, but I believe they know us well.
Always laughing doubled over, watching from somewhere else.

Bells within
cause clangor,
drown
sounds that
currents make as
they boil past-
we go in
opposite.

White lie servants,
steering the wheel so
far south,
how could we not
go down?

No Captain to
guide.
And though this
vessel's shared,
We've proven only
mock shipmates.

Churning swifts keep all
aboard-
Ship clutch tenants
close.
All at once trapped
and
left behind.

Even my body
holds me
hostage-
Ribcage cell
barring
manic heart...

when walls won't
fall-
stoic fake brick facades
cling to
well-worn dive bar
foundations,

'Tis the bitter
finally cuts through-
slices past the
evergreen potency
of man-made
strength-

bellicose, forcing
its way in;
open up and
swallow-
tonic permeating
soulless through,
anchors to bottom
& crumbles youth.

I will never understand
How rocket science works,
How caterpillars become butterflies,
How languages evolve linguistically,
How genetics determine everything,
How faith is determined,
How hope is enduring,
How love is prevailing,
How any relationship works,
How I fit into my own life...
Stuff like that.

I will never understand
A lot of things,
But I'll be ******
If I don't make you think
I already do
Understand.

Letting other people's weaknesses, weaken you or you will remain weak; forever, positively; a negative.

Don't let other people's facades live vigorously through you, or end up missing out on your own.