Take another drag off your cigarette and let the cancer invade your lungs like self inflicted bullet wounds and debate alone on your thoughts some more just like you do on the nights when you can't sleep because there's too much room in your bed.
You don't want to wake up having been destroyed yet again by a massive being who no longer holds any value to you only to roll over and rediscover that you're by yourself again tonight like you have been on multiple other occasions.
You don't want to stare at that empty space and wonder what could be so important at three in the morning that your Hope would have to be 30 miles away from you right now so you can't bury yourself six-feet-under the pain within his embrace so you don't have to feel like that again for a while.
But you do.
You do because that's how it works in horrorland and that ****** heart of yours pounding in your chest as you try to regulate your breathing again is only normal.
Although temporary, it doesn't mean it effects you any less. How could he have ****** you up so much anyway?
It's funny because no one knows the truth. They never knew what that monster was capable of.
No one knows he use to lay his hands on your throat and squeeze until you turned blue in the face while you begged him to stop and clawed at his hands with every last bit of oxygen remaining in your lungs.
And maybe that's why you started smoking again, you became so accustomed to not having enough clean air to breathe that the toxicity became a comfort to you.
No one knows that he was three times your size and would use it to his advantage when it came to endeavours of the bedroom.
And maybe that's why you wear so many layers of clothing, because it gives you the advantage of hiding your face under the weight of fabric as the shame came upon it instead of hiding beneath the forced weight of flesh, bone, and fat after you realize what you've gotten yourself into and couldn't pull yourself out of.
No one knows he use to coordinate verbal and physical abuse together against you, like one might mix pills and alcohol to end everything in question, any time you felt strong enough to stand up for yourself.
And maybe that's why you're so much more verbal about your faults now, because as soon as you were finally free of the chains he shackled you with you refused to be treated like anything less of a person with emotional needs like everyone else. Maybe that's why you're so afraid of someone hurting you again that you begin pulling away as soon as you find yourself becoming close.
But try to forget about that for once, forget that beast ever caused you any amount of discomfort in your fragile life and try to remember your Hope.
You've become the light in the dark, if you give up on yourself now after promising you'd never abandon him that would leave you as a liar and that's hardly the way you want to be recalled.
Set in your mind the instances you woke up in a panic, or he even woke you up, and he was there to help you back into a peaceful sleep you could receive beneficial rest from.
And maybe he's the reason everything will be okay again.
Maybe he's the reason you will be able to defend yourself in front of anyone and not just a select few.
Maybe he's the reason you will become quicker with wit.
Maybe he's the reason you'll change as a person, for the better, learning to protect and care for you and your own.
Maybe he's the reason you will be able to enjoy your life again, because he carefully removed the shell from your surface instead of constantly throwing you at the pavement waiting for you to open up.
Maybe he's the reason your guitar will no longer collect dust and the walls will open ears to the melodies you've decided to relearn all the strumming patterns to.
Maybe he's the reason your love of Tolkien will be renewed in a better light than it had been left.
Maybe he's the reason all the bad memories will finally dissipate from your shattered composure and you'll become the strong person everyone seems to believe you are.
Maybe he's the reason you will finally be able to burn those items you hold as recognition for the hands you are not to return yourself to.
Maybe he truly is the meaning of hope when there isn't any left, because he's instilled so much in you after you began losing it over the nights you woke up thinking the horrors would never end that you've begun to feel at peace with yourself.
Only time will tell the struggles or successes that the world leaves you both to face, but with those high hopes you find within each other you won't have to face it alone.
My Estel. My Hope.
I love you.