If I were to bottle this it would be

Fleeting moments of such deep joy it’s hard to recollect the moments of utter misery,
Of which there were more.

It would be bitter loneliness without the sweet tang of friends,
The ache of realising alienation isn’t about being alone.

It would be waves
Crashing into rocks after washing over us
Curling our ankles on pebbles
Tripping but running headfirst anyway
Toes in the sea.
It would smell like sun cream  
With the coarseness of sand
Salt and sun and summer.

It would sound like jazz time on a friday afternoon
Blues, show tunes and improv.
Empty balconies,
Wind
Leaves
LMTs
Conversions I listen into but don’t join.
Thunderous silence.

It’s white walls awash with laughter,
Paint fumes and flying
Fresh puddles
Stifled tears
The longing for something more.

I thought I knew what was best for Me
Everyone always told me I had great potential
Even though I kept messing up
and it wasn't what I wanted to hear

Everyone always told me I had great potential
If I would only work a little harder
That wasn't what I wanted to hear
My motivation only grew weaker

If I could only work harder
I didn't know what direction to go in
My motivation growing weaker
How could I ever make it in this world?

I have no clue what direction to go in
I'm hopeless, everything I planned was wrong
I can't make it here, in this world
Something has to change

I'm hopeless, everything I planned was wrong
I keep messing up
Something has to change
I don't know what's best for me