It happens imperceptibly
but you know it
when it’s in full effect –
Two’s company
three’s crowd.
It’s not
anyone’s fault,
not something
anyone decides,
just how it goes
sometimes.
Conversation
becomes
more and more
personal,
until it is clear:
You are not supposed to be here.
So you do
what you are good at doing.
You disappear.
-
See, disappearing?
You have it down
to a science.
Talk less and less
and then not at all.
Stare off into space,
perhaps fidget from time to time,
make small movements
to show that you
have not quite
turned to stone.
Take a while to leave.
It can’t be sudden -
you wouldn’t want to draw attention
to yourself.
[It’s awkward for everyone involved.]
Finally,
when you think you just
can’t
bear it,
get up to go to the bathroom
and never come back.
It’s easier than you think.
-
They will look for and address you
eventually:
oh good night, are you okay, you’re so quiet,
you should have said something, I’m sorry, sorry,
sorry.
The usual.
You will reassure them
when the time comes,
fold up your feelings
into a little origami crane
that you wish could just
fly away.
But for now
you can sit safely
in your invisibility.
-
You told your friend group earlier
that sometimes you thought
there was no point calling yourself
gay
because you just hated everyone.
It makes everyone laugh,
and even you find that you’re amused,
but
you don’t know if they heard
the hurt, the bitterness, the honesty of that statement
buried within your voice.
-
You watch
the way your two friends (with benefits)
are affectionate with each other,
the way one puts her head
in the other’s lap,
the way they play with each other’s hair
small kisses on small places,
the way they do these things
and see only each other,
as if all of this
is only obvious
to them.
It’s sweet.
You try to rouse yourself into
more feeling:
jealousy,
sadness,
hopefulness,
anything intense, but
everything boils down to
the same nothingness.
This is simply
another thing you
can’t/won’t/don’t have
[pick any verb, they’re all true].
-
And this is what
your life is:
trying to find ways
to make everything disappear.
Feelings – gone.
Desires – gone.
Expectations – gone.
Hopes – gone.
Communication – gone.
-
And this is what your life is:
Succeeding.
