I think I’m in love.
A dangerous longing one.
The one that holds me against my will
Leaves me begging by myself.
All alone ’til my sanity decides to rip.
One by one by one. All alone.
Were you really the one?
The one I’ve been waiting for
The one I’ve been drowning here for
Slipping under the waves of desperation
With a side ordered prescription of hope
Excuse me, allow me to make a correction,
A prescription of hopelessness.
Filled to the brim, overfilled with feelings
Mainly of distress.
Someone came to save me,
I’m not quite sure I remember
Where I’m supposed to be.
I turned them away, all is alright.
Everything is fine.
This is way things are,
The way they have always been.
I lie to myself.
The truth is far too explosive to let out.
My hopes are rising, dependent on you.
And you alone.
I suppose they always were.
The realization comes blowing in
Or maybe that’s just because
I left the window open
And in fact, it’s a gust of cold air
Still. I miss the thought
Of you and me,
Together, to be together.
How foolish was I to believe
To invest my being in your
Nonexistent living
I don’t want to wait any more.
I don’t want to be here behind this door.
Trapped.
In fear of my own shadow,
Sacrificing my life, and my nights
For your comfort, for your ego.
I refuse, once again. I refuse.
Louder this time, echoing throughout the hall.
How are you supposed to get the best of me?
In what reality does that constitute
A fair ending for me.
I love you.
But do you even know?
Have you been paying attention...
I miss you
Maybe, not you specifically
But the idea of you
I’m craving for you, for your touch.
The way my body requires oxygen.
So does my mind with
Who I think you are to me.
Why is this reality so difficult
Perhaps this isn’t really love.
Perhaps it’s just another
One of my unhealthy obsessions.
I'm terrified of being alone,
Being by myself, that must be it.
Companionship seems to be
My only escape.
Perhaps, though I’m wrong
And it's worse than I realize
Worse than what I can see
With my own eyes.
And in fact,
Perhaps, I need you.
Better when read aloud, I'm still trying to come back to who I was. Hopefully it won't be long now.
June 25, 2018.
